Important

[David]

I and my girlfriend get along very well when we are together, we both show so much affection towards each other, it seems we are inseparable. But on the phone sometimes we get in fights and arguments and sometimes we put each other down, actually it happens very frequently. Lately we have doubted whether our affection towards each other is deceiving since we do not get along very well unless we are with each other physically?

 

What is going on? Could it be that we just miss each other too much and subconsciously we are angry at each other that we are not together??

[Tony T]

Phone chemistry is much different from in-person chemistry. The two of you should probably work to minimize your phone contact.

 

Seeing in person adds a lot of dimensions to the iteraction that are absent in a telephone exchange. Although most people probably don't have the type of problem the two of you do or to that extent, I think most people probably are better of interacting in person.

 

There are relationships that are the other way around as well. Some do great on the telephone or online but get along terribly in person.

 

I think if the two of you are mature about this, you can work on the telephone conversations to keep them civil. There's no rational reason why you can't work around this and do better as time goes along.

 

Now your speculation that subconsciously you have some issues with each other does have merit. On the telephone, it is much easier to argue or to bring up unpleasant topics than it is in person. The phone seems to give a measure ot bravery to people...just like alcohol. Both of you need to explore this area very closely to see if there are unresolved conflicts, issues and communication that need to be addressed. Only the two of you will know.

 

If that's the case, learn positive conflict resolution. Learn to express your feelings, both positive and negative, in a civil manner and discuss things.

 

I don't think you need to throw away this relationship because of this. It can be worked out pretty simply if both of you will come down to earth and cooperate with each other.

[Taressa]

Hi David,

 

Tony makes a good point about missing a large part of interpersonal communication in conversations over the phone. The same lack of visual feedback in phone conversations also makes it much easier to be honest over the phone - - the fear of unacceptance decreases when we're in the safety of our own home or room.

 

Perhaps you and your girlfriend find it easier to voice your opinions and preferences when you're out of the other's presence. Thus, subjects avoided when you are together are ungracefully handled over the phone.

 

I don't recommend resurrecting an argument between the two but it may be wise to consider what has been said that stirred up the argument. Are there important matters you have been ignoring as a couple? Do you hesitate to speak your mind when you are together?

 

Whatever the cause, respect and kindness go a long way. You will overcome this with a little work.