Boyfriend's Lie Destorying the Relationship

[LynnLisa]

Alright, this is my first time ever on any site like this, but I am slowly going crazy. My boyfriend and I have had a great relationship for 3 years, until recently. We had build a strong foundation of trust and respect for one another.

 

However, a few months ago my boyfriend was questioning the fact if he wanted to have a child with me or not. (See, he's 32 and I'm 23 and he's got 2 kids already who live with us full-time). He was no longer sure if he wanted another, even though in the past he has always said he did. So this was a huge shock for me. I want a baby of my own in the future and if he didn't I knew I could not stay with him. So .... one weekend during this dilemma he calls me at work to say he's going away for the weekend to a solitude place to think (he's gone to this place in the past). I was upset because I felt abandoned, but since he wanted to think about the baby, I said alright.

 

3 weeks after that I realize how I haven't seen his camera in awhile. I knew he took it with him that weekend because he told me how it was so nice there - the mountains and waterfalls. I didn't doubt it until I asked to borrow the camera for work and he said he didn't know where it was. I found that funny, and I found it funny that he had never shown me the waterfall pictures as we both have a passion for water.

 

So,the next night I looked for the camera, thinking he misplaced it. I found it, hidden under his motorcycle helmet and there were pictures of another woman I did not know. No one else was in the pics, just some random shots of and then of him...in a car, a house, on a mountain. I was furious. We agrued for a long time and I finally found out that that weekend he stayed at her place, she was a friend from his school that I had never heard about. He slept on the couch and nothing happened, he says.

 

So after much talk, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And he said he wouldn't even be friends with her anymore because of what it did to our relationship. He seemed sincerely sorry and regretful of breaking our trust. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get upset and worry.

 

I was really hurt but it was the first real lie in 3 years so I decided to give it another chance. However after I found out he was still talking to her, but have no proof if he had actually seen her outside of school. It still bothers me that he was able to do that to me.

 

Now the other day he had school on a monday night so I watched the kids. He told me he'd be home by 8:30pm. His cell was off all night and he was out till midnight. I was furious because he's done that before, decide to do something and not call me when I was home with the kids. He had even promised me he'd never do that again, not tell me where he is or call.

 

I find it disrespectful and in no way is it a help to rebuild our trust. Now we are fighting and on the verge of breaking up. I try to talk to him but we argue and he just seems ready to give up. That hurts me because I always though we were strong and would fight to make it work. He just seems to think that if I can't trust him he has no reason to try. But how can I trust him when he broke the trust, lied to me, and stays out all night with his cell phone off, when I am with his kids.

 

I may not be perfect, and i have my flaws. But I have never lied to him about where I am, who I am with and I have always called him if my plans changed.

 

I am so angry that he could put the blame on me saying that my mistrust in him makes him scared to tell me anything. He's the one who caused it!

 

Is this enough to end a relationship? We live together, my name is on the lease, we're paying off furniture together, and I've been with those kids for 3 years! I feel I invested so much. But it hurts me to see him blame me, and to so easily say that it might be over.

[Iluvsiamese]

Sounds like he has gone beyond having second thoughts and has moved right into having a fling without having to worry about the kids. How convenient for him.

 

Yes, this is potentially relationship-ending stuff. Tell him you have serious issues with his behaviour and try to get counselling, at the very least. As for his blaming you, well, he feels guilty and the best defense here is an offense. He is trying to get you to back off and let him do what he wants.

 

So you have three years invested in this--letting that go would be painful, especially where there are kids involved even if they are only his. He knows this. However, how will it help to invest another 3, 5 or 10 years here? Personally, I would tell him to shape up and if he didn't in a hurry, I would cut my losses now before they cut any deeper. Often we, as women, are so busy protecting and looking after everyone else that we fail to protect ourselves. It's time that you looked after you here.

[JadeStar]

Sounds like you're his baby sitter for his kids while hes off trying to decide what to do about the baby situation. Hes not thinking of wheather he wants another baby or not hun, hes off having fun with another woman. Hes not trustworthy at this point. He lied about the camera, he lied about the time he would be home etc. I say do whatever you feel you need to do. I just think right now until he can regain your trust if you decide to stay with him, put having a baby with him way on the back burner.

 

 

 

Jade

[slubberdegullion]

I'll have to agree with JadeStar & Iluvsiamese: From what I've read here, it seems pretty clear to me that he's getting a little on the side.

 

Not only is this extremely damaging to your relationship, there are also potential health issues that you should be concerned about.

 

IMO, you may be best off to start extricating yourself from your combined financial affairs first, before you actually send him packing.

 

Good luck.

[LynnLisa]

Thanks for reading and responding guys, I know that was a long post! I agree with you, because no matter what has happened since he lied to me about that weekend, I just cannot trust him. And I can't see myself staying with someone who is capable of looking me in the face and lieing to me, or who thinks its okay to not call me when he decides to hang out till midnight when I am watching his kids. I think the only real reason I hung on so far is those kids. We are the only stable home they have had since their mother has problems. I love them and it's going to kill me to explain to them that I am going.

 

I believe I should leave, I just hope I have the strength to do so. I do not want to regret staying a few years down the line. I think I've given him enough chances to see my side of it.

 

I just can't take the disrespect anymore

[tanbark813]

I agree with the other posters. If he lied about the camera, lied about where he was going and what he was doing that weekend, and lied about ceasing communication with her, then what are the odds he's telling the truth about sleeping on the couch and nothing happening that weekend? If it were innocent, there would be little reason to lie.

 

Believe me, I've dealt with plenty of liars and one thing they all have in common is they'll always try to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty once you've called them on a lie.

[NiCoLe20]

yea i agree with everyone else... i would definitly get out of that house and start all over again.. theres no point of being with someone you cant trust... find someone better

[EchoedMemory]

Sweetie...C'mon. You're a woman. I know you have that intuition thing goin' on. You KNOW that he cheated. I mean....who the HELL would sleep on the couch then LIE about it??? He cheated on you...with her...and he's doing it over and over because you're letting him. Get the HELL out of that relationship. I know that's easier said than done but ya know what? You deserve a LOT more than that! Go live with your parents, friends, anything. Do NOT continue this relationship! You'll only be hurting yourself (and those kids) in the long run. Truse me on this, ok? Get out now.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Lynlisa,

I totally agree with everyone on this post sounds like to me that he is using you so he can do his thing and he is having his cake and eating it too.. i would ask him what you mean to him and if he can't commit to you i think it is time to move on because you deserve better who is to say he hasn't been seeing this woman the whole time you two have been together..