***Dating a Typical Cheater or Someone Else***

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

Years back, when I was young and dumb, I dated the nicest guy I've ever met. We clicked like we were meant for each other. I made a thread about him. Vertically Challenged Magic. Talked for hours, kissed like fireworks went off in the background. But, because he didn't have a lot of confidence and wasn't the, 'bad boy' type I always went for, I called things off...3 times.

 

3 years went by and we both partnered up. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago. And him? He's still living with his. He told me they never really clicked, they kind of fell into the relationship. That he was never really attracted to her. They haven't had sex in a year. Sleep in different rooms. Yes, yes, all the things cheaters tell you.

 

But this guy? He's empathetic, cares for others more than he cares for himself. He's a special education teacher. He wants to know me, everything about me, all the gritty details..not the pretty fluff. He's the kind of guy who gets nervous around a pretty girl. The kind of guy who admits he doesnt have confidence and says, "What are you doing with me?" He gets intimidated by me. He's gentle and kind.

 

We went out last night and picked up right where we left off. We talked for hours and madeout after. He's authentic, humble and cares about me in a way that a someone only close to me would.

 

And before the LS crowd pounces on him, what if this is the 1 in 100 type of cheating guys that's telling the truth. What he he's being honest about not wanting to hurt her and being numb from depression (which he has) so he just lets his life pass him by all for the sake of trying not to make waves? And then he meets me, and I make him feel alive again, and he cheats.

 

I asked him, "Why not tell her you're not feeling it anymore?" He said, "If you and your partner hasn't had sex in a year, wouldn't you know? i just don't want to hurt her" Sex with my ex and I dropped off so badly. I was on that lile white on rice. Even made a thread about it. And ya, some cheaters say those things to gain empathy and to make justifications. But I can't stress this enough...that's not who he is.

 

And what do I feel? Well, I've kind of turned into a different person since my break up. I do what I want. Talk to who I want. And don't feel like I owe anyone anything. I went from being a, 'talk to one person at a time and needinggg someone so badly' to 'talking to lot's of guys and doing what I please on my own' type of person.

 

So is he the 1% of cheaters who has a good heart and doesn't have the guts to end it? Or is he the 99% who spews lies like it's his job?

 

Your thoughts?

[frus69]

do you plan to be his secret the whole life?

if not then he's gonna have to grow some balls right?

[Dis]

do you plan to be his secret the whole life?

if not then he's gonna have to grow some balls right?

 

 

It's a casual thing for me. I don't want anything serious right now

 

Hard to imagine something serious with a dude who's still living with his gf.

 

Never know though...don't really care either way

[frus69]

if you dont really care, then why ask if he's just like any other cheater?

[Dis]

if you dont really care, then why ask if he's just like any other cheater?

 

For LS analysis, of course

[frus69]

So you dont really have an issue? Just a general discussion?

 

well LS readers dont live in his head so who knows what he's up to.But if you ain't afraid of karma I say enjoy your ride.

[Dis]

So you dont really have an issue? Just a general discussion?

 

well LS readers dont live in his head so who knows what he's up to.But if you ain't afraid of karma I say enjoy your ride.

 

You're always so sassy, frus

 

Missed you girl

[frus69]

straight to the point, aint got no time for sugar coating

[Dis]

straight to the point, aint got no time for sugar coating

 

Always!

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

So is he the 1% of cheaters who has a good heart and doesn't have the guts to end it? Or is he the 99% who spews lies like it's his job?

 

Your thoughts?

 

TBH, I don't trust people in a situation like this. You can be a nice person and still break up w/someone. I broke it off w/my ex because we weren't a fit and I'm not a mean person. He has feelings for her, esp since he isn't letting her go. I'd say find someone who isn't in a relationship or hanging on to an ex.

[snowboy91]

I couldn't say whether he is one or the other, but this isn't great either way you look at it.

 

Let's say he's being truthful about his situation in his current relationship. He is naturally a kind and caring person, but he doesn't like to be the one to rock the boat. He just naturally assumes his partner feels the same way he does (that the relationship is almost dead in the water), and she will make that call. Which means that he does whatever it takes to avoid upsetting anyone and maintain the status quo - to the detriment of his own needs. Is that the kind of person you want? Do you really think you could trust someone like this long term?

 

Now let's say he isn't being truthful and he's just saying the typical cheater things to have some fun with you. Again, would he be someone you could trust?

[damni]

You are jumping into another disaster relationship.

 

Why after your abusive relationship would you go after a man who has a girlfriend? Why is your self worth so low?

 

You need counselling before you enter any relationship, you are on a destructive path which you have the power to stop.

 

You can think "**** her, I don't care about anyone." But that attitude will only last so long before the consequence hit you.

[FMW]

I don't believe he stays in a dead relationship, especially if he is able to connect with other women (you in particular at this moment), simply because he doesn't want to hurt her.

 

He's getting something out of staying with her - money, stability, security - who knows.

[elaine567]

In order to flourish within a relationship where you are the other woman, you need to be strong and resilient, a bit narcissistic, lack empathy and do not care a damn about anyone or anything.

Otherwise the OW gets involved, she ends up wanting "more". He says he loves her, but he is not leaving his wife/gf/kids and she gets increasingly damaged and heart broken, waiting...

He WILL choose her, she is SO superior to the gf/wife/partner, that is until he doesn't...

 

After the abuse you have manged to extricate yourself from, the last thing you need is this.

You already sound like you love him...

[clia]

And ya, some cheaters say those things to gain empathy and to make justifications. But I can't stress this enough...that's not who he is.

 

With all due respect, you do not have the best track record for judging a man's character.

 

Honestly, given your history of being cheated on, it's kind of shocking to me that you would knowingly go on a date with a man who is living with another woman. Why? Who cares why he's cheating on her or if he's too scared to leave her or whatever -- he's a cheater. Why even get involved in this mess?

[mark clemson]

It's a casual thing for me. I don't want anything serious right now

 

 

But once you do? You've now got this other mini-mess to clean up (IF it's still "mini" by then).

 

If he's so likable as your safe beta-ish guy, you'll probably develop real feelings for him. And how about his feelings for you?

 

I don't think he's the "1%" of cheaters who aren't sociopaths/users. (I think it's a loy higher than 1%, maybe more like 50% who aren't, but who knows.) I think he's a man who's unhappy in his marriage but unready to leave it. He's no different that a LOT of cheaters in this way.

 

At the moment, you're making his life a little easier while he stays stuck in that unhappy marriage. That's all this is right now, IMO. What it will turn into and whether it "blows up his life" or not remains to be seen.

 

You might consider talking to a family attorney to see what divorce might look like economically for him in your state. That may be the ride he's on with you if his wife ever finds out about this.

 

Right now this feels like you're doing each other a favor. I think you've done enough reading around her to know otherwise. You're ON the garden path/slippery slope, D373.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's a casual thing for me. I don't want anything serious right now

 

But isn't that how all serious relationships start out, as casual interactions?

 

OP, none of this reflects well on you. If you're just passing the time with him, why do something so clearly at someone else's expense? His GF is a real person too, not sure why you're so dismissive of the obvious boundary issues involved here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Ah - is he married or not, D373?

[Timshel]

Hard to imagine something serious with a dude who's still living with his gf.

 

 

It's 'hypothetically' easier to leave a gf than a wife.

[Lorenza]

Sorry to say, but you're on a destructive path... Jumping into another mess just to prove yourself you're able to "not care", "do what you want", "f--- with no feelings". I somehow got an impression that this isn't you. This won't erase your dating history where you've been hurt time after time, only acceptance, coming to terms and moving on from it will make it easier...

And something I encourage the least is to knowingly make yourself into a OW. That bar is low and you can do better, much much better.

[Dis]

Before everyone had a chance to pop off I probably should've mentiomed a key piece of info

 

I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, including this guy

 

Just having fun and doing my own thing. This is actually the first time I haven't wanted a relationship. Feeling good being by myself.

[Timshel]

I'm not dating anyone seriously right now, including this guy

 

 

Ok Dis, but he is living with someone, right now. She is a real person, like you.

There is no excuse he can't leave her, really. Except that he can have sex with you and go home and lie to her. Not your circus, that is a matter of opinion.

At least have yourself checked for STI's and know that you are clean and I'm sure I do not need to say birth control. SMH.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is actually the first time I haven't wanted a relationship.

 

This should make his GF happy, at least she keeps her roommate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

op,

whatever your back story may be, are you sure being with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else a good fit for you and who you are at heart?

 

Unless you are somehow capable of dehumanizing his gf and convincing yourself that she somehow deserves to be cheated on, this will all come back to bite you in the behind. You'll either start feeling guilty and be unhappy, or you'll change into the kind of person who goes through life feeling like the world owes them something so it's okay to hurt others, so long as you get what you want.

I'm not getting the feeling that you'd be happy in either position. Why set the bar so low?

 

 

Oh and one more thing- don't mistake quietness and genteelness for a good person. nice guys don't treat their commited partners like this, They either own up to them that they aren't happy and end the relationship, or they do what they need to do to at least try and make it work. They aren't out kissing other woman while bitching about their girlfriend at home.

[elaine567]

I have a feeling that some women, "unlucky in love", get some satisfaction from messing around with another woman's man. It is a form of revenge against the married, the happy, the content...

"Why should SHE have what I always wanted?

 

"You thought you were happy, cosy and safe in your lovely marriage, you thought you were in a fairy tale... But I know better... your man cannot get enough of me..."