***Dating a Typical Cheater or Someone Else***

[Maddie82]

He said, "I just don't want to hurt her"

 

Classic line. He's lying.

[Ruby Slippers]

You are jumping into another disaster relationship.

 

Why after your abusive relationship would you go after a man who has a girlfriend? Why is your self worth so low?

 

You need counselling before you enter any relationship, you are on a destructive path which you have the power to stop.

 

You can think "**** her, I don't care about anyone." But that attitude will only last so long before the consequence hit you.

Seriously. You're moving on to a guy exactly like your recent ex - in a relationship that isn't working, but not strong and capable enough to do what he needs to do and move on.

 

On top of this, you're creating horrible karma for yourself by messing with a guy who has a girlfriend and is cheating on her with you.

 

You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You're creating a huge amount of chaos and drama that you could easily avoid with a little common sense and caution.

 

Deep down, you know you're better than this and this is a terrible path to take.

 

Please pull back from this and get yourself together. You're clearly in no shape whatsoever to be involved in anything romantic or sexual right now.

[Amethyst68]

An authentic msn wouldn't be lying and cheating in the first place! This MM has given you all the most common reasons in the 'cheater's handbook'.

 

You are definitely entitled to be happy, you're not entitled to do this at the expense of someone else. That's not independence it's spiteful and selfish.

[heartwhole2]

The biggest red flag to me is his passive approach to his current relationship. "Maybe if we don't have sex for a year she'll do something to improve our relationship. Obviously me saying, 'Let's discuss our relationship' is entirely out of the question."

 

It takes two to make a dysfunctional relationship. He's lacking self-awareness, follow-through, and ownership. And of course boundaries.

[anika99]

And before the LS crowd pounces on him, what if this is the 1 in 100 type of cheating guys that's telling the truth. What he he's being honest about not wanting to hurt her and being numb from depression (which he has) so he just lets his life pass him by all for the sake of trying not to make waves? And then he meets me, and I make him feel alive again, and he cheats.

 

The above paragraph actually describes most cheaters. Most of them are conflict avoidant men with their own issues, ie depression, who lack the integrity and honesty to deal with their problems like mature adults. Rather than having an honest discussion with their partner and where they say let's fix this relationship or end it, they instead choose to cheat while selfishly keeping their partner trapped in the relationship with their dishonesty.

 

If this MM was truly an empathetic, caring, authentic individual then he would care enough about his partner to set her free and stop wasting her life on a man who doesn't even love her. What he is doing now is very dishonorable and shows a lack of character. Amazing that you have tried to twist this guys despicable behavior into something heroic.

[Allupinnit]

Dis - please don't be "that girl" who sleeps with someone's live-in boyfriend. You won't like yourself.

 

And if your posting history is any indication, you won't be able to stay in a casual headspace for very long.

[ABernie]

I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had insisted divorce proceedings were started. I was told that it was talked about and that BW was having an affair (both lies according to BW).

 

I wish I let them clean up their own relationship with out me being involved. Because in the end, if we were ever to end up together (which we will not), I would always be the "whore" that broke the family up. Graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc

 

I also think it would have forced him to make a decision and there would have been a lot less heartbreak for me when he chose to stay.

[heartwhole2]

I also wonder if his girlfriend isn't bringing up sex because she knows he's depressed and doesn't want to cause him stress. Of course, there's no way for us to know because we're not in the relationship, which is pretty much the whole point.

[Blind-Sided]

Others here have already said it. You see yourself in a nice, blossoming relationship. I know you are saying you aren't looking for anything serious... but you are here talking about it, and hoping he is that 1%'er. BUT... here are the facts........

 

 

1) You see him as a nice guy... but he is cheating on someone to be with you. (not nice)

 

 

2) You think he's honest... but he's willing to lie to either you or his current GF to be with you. (has no problem lying)

 

 

3) Tells you he hasn't had sex in a year with his GF. Honestly... if that was the case, and it's important to him... and she is only his GF... why would he want to stay?

 

 

4) Look at yourself... you have no issues taking someone away from someone else. Put yourself in her place... would you want to be treated this way?

 

 

5) If you've asked him to leave her, and he can't (especially if she is just a GF)... then this is nothing other than a conquest for him.

 

 

I really don't want to sound harsh... but the truth is in what you are already writing. He's a typical cheater.

[Starswillshine]

Sounds exactly how my xWH would have been described by all his xOWs. He is just REALLY good at deception. He's that guy that listens and really cares; except he doesn't, he just knows that women want to be heard. He just capitalizes on what most men aren't willing to do, and women are putty in his hands. Instantly, they just believe he is such an awesome man and his wife (now exwife) must be horrible. Actually, not accurate. That man doesn't have one empathic bone in his body. Everything is faked. Every emotion is for the benefit of whoever he is trying to use.

 

Agreed with the previous poster, what is the fun in sleeping with someone else's partner. If you find fun in that, you may need to look further into yourself as to why.

[mark clemson]

If he's so likable as your safe beta-ish guy, you'll probably develop real feelings for him. And how about his feelings for you?

 

I don't think he's the "1%" of cheaters who aren't sociopaths/users. (I think it's a loy higher than 1%, maybe more like 50% who aren't, but who knows.) I think he's a man who's unhappy in his relationship but unready to leave it. He's no different that a LOT of cheaters in this way.

 

At the moment, you're making his life a little easier while he stays stuck in that unhappy relationship. That's all this is right now, IMO. What it will turn into and whether it "blows up his life" or not remains to be seen.

 

You might consider what a breakup would look like. That may be the ride he's on with you if his GF ever finds out about this.

 

Right now this feels like you're doing each other a favor. I think you've done enough reading around here to know otherwise. You're ON the garden path/slippery slope.

 

 

Just cleaned up my prior post to make it pertinent to your situation D373. I hope you realize folks around here are just trying to help steer you away from helping this guy make a mess out of his life (one that you'll probably need to help with cleaning up) and doing something that just postpones your ability to have something better.

[Kamille]

You’re setting yourself up for another abusive relationship.

 

He’s using you.

 

1. He’s using you to make his current relationship comfortable
   
2. He’s possibly using you to get out of that relationship
   

 

Others have said you’re setting the bar low. You’re also repeating a pattern.