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how often do you speak to MM or MW?


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In the past I saw her most weekdays. Pure EA, and *only* saw her at her place of work, so might not be a good representation of what you're looking for.

 

(Now am full NC due to her job change and the accompanying return of some semblance of sanity on both our parts.)

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somanymistakes

When we were in the tormented questioning affair territory, we tried to keep it to a few times a week, otherwise we'd both be too distracted to get our jobs done.

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Im thinking of calling it off because I feel like ****. I’m sure some of you can relate.

 

Basically, he contacts me very little. We met three days ago and he hasn’t messaged me since. It is very frustrating. I spoke to him about it he said he would improve but he hasn’t. Yes I know it’s all part of being the ‘other woman’ nevertheless it makes me feel disrespected and ultimately worthless and like ****

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Im thinking of calling it off because I feel like ****. I’m sure some of you can relate.

 

Basically, he contacts me very little. We met three days ago and he hasn’t messaged me since. It is very frustrating. I spoke to him about it he said he would improve but he hasn’t. Yes I know it’s all part of being the ‘other woman’ nevertheless it makes me feel disrespected and ultimately worthless and like ****

 

If you decide to stay with him you can expect feeling like this most of the time. It's not worth it. Run far and fast!

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I honestly feel I deserve more and better than a few shabby messages twice a week, despite the position I have placed myself in

 

Oh honey. Just wait til his wife finds out and he completely ghosts you!

 

It happens allllll the time - just read around. His main priority is not you, it's keeping what he's got going on at home running smoothly. You're the side dish he can pick up and put back when he's done. You have to have zero expectations if you're going to play this game.

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Like I have read on other threads in this forum how their mm or mw contact them almost daily. I honestly feel I deserve more and better than a few shabby messages twice a week, despite the position I have placed myself in. Irrespective of being the other woman I still feel disrespected and worthless.

I think it’s time to walk away with whatever bit of dignity I have left

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BlindsidedTwice

While in the affair, we messaged 5-7 days a week and saw each other 1-4 times a week. Now it is 0. I haven't seen or heard from him in 2 months.

 

If you're just starting to get involved with a MM, I'd say RUN AWAY as fast as you can. It feels like a weird wonderful addicting happy fantasy... until it's over. Then it's just you trying to put your shattered life back together.

 

If it's not too late, save yourself this heartache.

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BlindsidedTwice
Oh honey. Just wait til his wife finds out and he completely ghosts you!

 

It happens allllll the time - just read around. His main priority is not you, it's keeping what he's got going on at home running smoothly. You're the side dish he can pick up and put back when he's done. You have to have zero expectations if you're going to play this game.

 

From experience, I SECOND THIS!!!

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Im thinking of calling it off because I feel like ****. I’m sure some of you can relate.

 

Basically, he contacts me very little. it makes me feel disrespected and ultimately worthless and like ****

 

No man is ever worth feeling this way - single, married. It doesn’t matter.. If you find that you have to give up your self respect and happiness to be in a relationship - any relationship - it’s not worth it.

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Before the breakup MM would text me all day, call me whenever he got the chance, and would come see me after work a few times a week. After the breakup in February I gradually heard less and less from him. There came a time in May when he started to miss me and went back to speaking to me everyday but that only lasted a few weeks. His erratic behavior was part of that roller coaster ride everyone here talks about, one day he’s hot and another he’s cold. The MM/MW set these expectations to remind you that you are the lowest of their priorities. I haven’t seen or heard from MM since June 29th, he’s ghosted me completely. Doesn’t help that I’ve sent a few nasty emails out of frustration lol. Avoid the heartache, drop him and don’t look back.

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Thank you. Irrespective of whether I am the other woman or not I still have values and I am still a human being with feelings I shouldn’t have to accept disrespect from anyone despite the situation. Three days not one message or call, in addition it was a sad and significant family event over the weekend he knew about and I’m so disappointed he didn’t reach out. To me actions speak louder than words and his words are full of ****

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Beendaredonedat
Im thinking of calling it off because I feel like ****. I’m sure some of you can relate.

 

Basically, he contacts me very little. We met three days ago and he hasn’t messaged me since. It is very frustrating. I spoke to him about it he said he would improve but he hasn’t. Yes I know it’s all part of being the ‘other woman’ nevertheless it makes me feel disrespected and ultimately worthless and like ****

 

That's about right.

 

Why did you put yourself in that position?

 

I honestly feel I deserve more and better than a few shabby messages twice a week, despite the position I have placed myself in

 

Why do you expect more for yourself when you are not the primary partner? You are best to stop seeing him and going zero contact because you are unable to dial back your expectations, unreasonable expectations thinking that a cheater knows how to show respect to the women he dallies with. He disrespects both you and his wife and sadly you are disrespecting yourself by putting yourself in the OW position. You would do well to ask yourself what is missing in you that you would allow this for yourself.

Edited by Beendaredonedat
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I think it’s time to walk away with whatever bit of dignity I have left

 

 

That would be wise. It will probably be painful, so be ready for that. Also be prepared for him to suddenly "chase" once it's clear he's losing you.

 

You'll get through it with time. As pointed out, little will change, so the sooner you do this, the sooner you can have something much better in your life.

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I honestly feel I deserve more and better than a few shabby messages twice a week, despite the position I have placed myself in

 

Don’t bother hoping it will change and he will one day become more attentive. In fact, his few shabby texts will become even more and more infrequent as the limerance period naturally comes to and end, and he also realised how little effort he can put it to keep you on the hook. For you the pain would get much, much worse. IT NEVER GETS BETTER, so as painful as it will be, better get out of the A now.

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Being the other woman or other man is an inherit position of disrespect.

 

It's taking at least second (If not third forth etc) position.

 

It's being an option, it's not being the first choice. It's being convenient, it's fulfilling needs when yours aren't.

 

I say this as someone who has cheated and who has been with "MM".

 

It's not a path to happiness. It's not the foundation of a healthy relationship. You have to ask yourself how long you will accept being number 2.

 

You also have to ask yourself why you pine for someone who treats you this way.

 

Learn from this and break free

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While I completely agree that you are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect, I think your expectations are unreasonable.

 

If you want someone who is available to contact you everyday and if you are looking for someone who can offer you emotional support - you would be better served to find a boyfriend, not a married man. I’m sorry to be the harsh voice of reality, but he can not be who you want him to be because he is already obligated to another woman. If anyone is entitled to his time and his love and support, it is his wife.

 

As his affair partner, you are essentially agreeing to be in a relationship where you are only ever going to be the “first runner up.” By it’s very nature, it is a one sided relationship and he dictates the terms of the relationship. If this is not enough for you, then you always have the ability to vote with your feet.

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While I completely agree that you are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect, I think your expectations are unreasonable.

 

As his affair partner, you are essentially agreeing to be in a relationship where you are only ever going to be the “first runner up.” By it’s very nature, it is a one sided relationship and he dictates the terms of the relationship. If this is not enough for you, then you always have the ability to vote with your feet.

 

I LOVE the way you put this! Especially the bit about "voting with your feet" - it gives back the control to the AP.

 

OP - I'm so sorry. I went through what you are going through now, and it used to really p*** me off too! I went through the highs and lows and the feelings of being used, picked up and put down at will, taken for granted that a few sweet words flung in my direction would bring me to heel if I ever showed signs of walking away, etc etc. It DOESN'T get better. I can say that without even knowing how long you have been in this. If this is the beginning - you are already being "managed down". If this has been going on a long time, he is still not considering you or your feelings in all this. And you are RIGHT - no matter what position you are in, as a human being you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. Problem is, you are trying to extract that from someone who I think either doesn't feel those things, or at least has a different view of what they mean compared to your own view of them.

And then just when you decide you've had enough and you are walking, you then flip the other way and feel like you have no right to demand anything! I know, I've been there too!

 

The very best advice I can give is to walk away. Please. Do it now before a D-Day, before any more pain, before you get in even deeper. Because I can guarantee you, if you stick with this, all you are in for is more of the same. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this, but there IS a way out.

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

I am not naive when it comes to expectations I fully understand the circumstances. Nevertheless it doesn’t mean I have to settle for less than a basic text to see how I am every now and then. It’s not about who is first or second, it’s about respect and having consideration for me. I am also risking myself and placing myself in a compromised position, if one can’t give some acknowledgement after 3/4 days when it’s not worth it.

 

It’s not worth feeling used worthless and of low value

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Basically, he contacts me very little. We met three days ago and he hasn’t messaged me since. It is very frustrating. I spoke to him about it he said he would improve but he hasn’t. Yes I know it’s all part of being the ‘other woman’ nevertheless it makes me feel disrespected and ultimately worthless and like ****

 

There are many posts in this sub that can probably help you. Being the OW is never a good thing to be. I've never been the OW but I've read many peoples experiences on here and what I've learned is that the MM will NEVER leave his wife and family. He will tell you want you want to hear to keep you invested. In your case its seems he's stopped caring about keeping you invested. Your decision to call this off would be a wise one, especially if all this is doing is making you feel crap. It's not worth it.

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I have read a lot of the threads here and a lot of how I feel resonates in them.

I thought the whole point of the affair was the desire to be with someone similar to feelings of being in a relationship with obvious baggage attached. If he is not making any effort to keep in contact, reach out at obvious difficult times then what is the point. It hurts even more reading people’s experiences on here when they say they talk to their MM or MW daily

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Op,

I know his wife isn't on your radar, but she should be. I say that because, if you want to understand who and what he is, look at how he's treating his wife.

She is a someone he made a formal commitment to, someone who he sees and talks to every day. He looks her in the eyes and flat out lies to her, no compunction about it.

THAT is who he is. That is how he feels comfortable treating people. If he'll be that disrespectful to her it's no wonder he'll treat you poorly too.

 

Think of it this way. Say his wife was a good friend of yours and you found out he had been having an affair. What would you think of him for doing that? Would you still make excuses for him?

 

His actions towards both you and his wife show what kind of treatment he feels is acceptable to someone he's in a relationship with. If you ever want to be happy with him, you are going to have to tone your expectations waaaayyyyyy down. You've allowed him to have most of the "power" in your relationship and now you're not happy. either you need to tone down your expectations and be happy with the kibbles he gives you, or you'll need to stand up for yourself and be willing to walk away if he doesn't begin treating you better. He is who he is. You can't change that. I can guarantee you he's not sitting around pining because he isn't getting texts from you. He's right where he wants to be. He's got a wife at home, he's got you on the side and he's sitting right smack int he middle like the cat who ate the canary, likely with some huge dumb ass grin on his face because hes been able to get at least two women ( or more) to feed his ego.

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I thought the whole point of the affair was the desire to be with someone similar to feelings of being in a relationship with obvious baggage attached.

 

Are you single or attached/married?

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