how often do you speak to MM or MW?

[mark clemson]

Note I am going to see him every day at work also

 

What do you guys suggest

 

 

Try to get your desk moved or take other actions to avoid seeing him as this is likely to keep triggering you. Seriously consider getting moved to a different site or finding a new job if this is feasible.

 

"Never waste a crisis" - using this as an opportunity to seek a better job/career advancement to simultaneously avoid him AND improve your circumstances in other ways is something you might consider.

[darkbloom]

Wow, on his wedding day? That was very insensitive of him

 

I was at the wedding which was even worse.

[Beendaredonedat]

But, since you aren't ok with that, he will move on to someone who will accept even less of him than you did, all the while still going home to climb into bed with his unsuspecting wife.

Or, he will just stay away until he's pretty certain that you are so in want of him that you will readily jump back into his arms and do him yet again.

 

Don't be his plaything, take back your personal power from his hands and stay strong and gone. Eventually your emotions will simmer down and you'll shake your head in frustration for allowing so little for yourself.

 

Get a new job if that is what it takes for you to move on. Failing that, get yourself into counselling to help you process that latent fear of commitment that may very well have led you into the mess in the first place. Those of us who actually want the love and commitment of a good man don't allow ourselves to get with someone who is virtually unable to commit to us.

[Beendaredonedat]

I was at the wedding which was even worse.

Especially if you actually responded to that text. If people wouldn't enable people to cheat then there would be no cheating...

[NomiMalone]

Option 2. Definitely. I remember doing option 1 several years ago, and the response I got was "There's nothing to end". Which hurt like HELL, considering he had been chasing me over a year, come on super strong, and I was under the (clearly mistaken) impression that we had something going. I felt like such a fool.

 

 

@gettinoverit:

 

“There is nothing to end”

 

These are the words of a vindictive man who’s hurt and wanted to hurt you back. Of course he knew it was far from the truth. He just wanted to hurt you cos you were the one who ended it, which hurt him.

[darkbloom]

Especially if you actually responded to that text. If people wouldn't enable people to cheat then there would be no cheating...

 

I disagree with this. We were friends long before it turned into an affair. We were always close and then we crossed the line. Relationships are not as black and white as we want them to be. I’m not condoning cheating, but it has nothing to do with enabling.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, even though you're in pain, this really needed to happen.

 

Why? It is clear you thought this was much more than it really was, on an emotional level. You expected he cared (to some extent, anyway) and was interested in you beyond being some sex and thrills on the side. You were getting invested and it's pretty obvious that he wasn't. He was fine with seeing you and getting his rocks off when it suited him, and then going back home to his wife. He wasn't in it for an actual relationship-style affair; this was physical for him. Some excitement. But nothing emotional. He doesn't really care what you do day-to-day, if you're having a bad day, and so on. I don't say this to be harsh, but rather to encourage you to stop engaging with someone who doesn't really give a zoom.

 

It is better you came to this realization now than several more months down the road, when you were even more attached and hurting than you presently are.

[lindt1111]

I am devastated this morning I cant stop crying and haven't left bed. I tried to speak with him yesterday adn explained why I was upset about his lack of efforts. He said he stayed away because of the look I gave him at work he wasnt sure if I was happy the way things were going and wasnt sure, he said he would ring me later and discuss but I havent heard from him since and he hasnt responded to my messages.

 

If you are going to come down heavy and say "I told you so" or "this is what you get" please dont, I am way too fragile for that today.

 

I am heart broken and I dont want to leave things like this with him. Its not good. We still have to work together. I am so hurt he would just ignore me like that and not give a s*** for me. He knows how upset I am yet ignores me. I want to tell him how I feel how upset I am with him how angry disappointed I am. I just want to speak with him. I regret saying anything now and feel all this is my fault that I pushed him away.

 

How can I make this right and at very least just speak to him?

[Maddie82]

Stop. You were told not to contact him and to just leave it. Now because you have done the opposite of what you were advised, you are feeling worse. I guarantee that he is not feeling like this. He is not feeling the slightest bit bothered. It's no skin off his nose if he loses his OW because he still has his wife and family. He doesn't care and is avoiding the drama. Don't contact him. Delete and block his number as advised. There is going to have to be a sacrifice with the work situation. This is exactly why i advise people NOT to get involved with work colleagues.

Edited September 30, 2019 by Maddie82

[elaine567]

Have you read a single thing anyone has had to say on this thread?

 

Many MM are in affairs for fun and sex, not love, angst and hassle.

The last thing they want is some "emotional" woman, upsetting his life, he probably has one of those at home.

If you agree to be the OW, you need to know your place.

You are pushing him for "more",more than he is willing to give, so he is shutting you down.

Once you get desperate and learn the rules of the game he may decide to pick you up again, or not if he sees you as too much of a risk.

He needs a compliant, discreet and calm OW who accepts the way things are, not a loose cannon...

 

This is extramarital sex, it is NOT singles dating.

[NomiMalone]

Oh Lindt. I’m sorry to hear it’s come to this. Chin up and make a resolve to go NC right now. DO NOT text or call him anymore and do not reply to any attempts he makes to communicate with you outside of work. He doesn’t deserve it. Please have enough respect for yourself to do this.

 

At work, be cordial and professional with him whilst you start looking for another job ASAP. Do not let him see how upset he’s made you. He’s history now. Please focus on yourself, on moving forward with your life, and see a counsellor about why you’ve allowed yourself to be treated like this.

[lindt1111]

Thanks once again for your replies and feedback.

I would like to request moderator please lock this thread from further comments. Thanks.

[gettinoverit]

I am devastated this morning I cant stop crying and haven't left bed. I tried to speak with him yesterday adn explained why I was upset about his lack of efforts. He said he stayed away because of the look I gave him at work he wasnt sure if I was happy the way things were going and wasnt sure, he said he would ring me later and discuss but I havent heard from him since and he hasnt responded to my messages.

 

If you are going to come down heavy and say "I told you so" or "this is what you get" please dont, I am way too fragile for that today.

 

I am heart broken and I dont want to leave things like this with him. Its not good. We still have to work together. I am so hurt he would just ignore me like that and not give a s*** for me. He knows how upset I am yet ignores me. I want to tell him how I feel how upset I am with him how angry disappointed I am. I just want to speak with him. I regret saying anything now and feel all this is my fault that I pushed him away.

 

How can I make this right and at very least just speak to him?

 

OP - when people show you who they are: believe them. He has shown you by his words (and lack thereof) and actions who he is and what he feels. There is NOTHING he can say to do now, or you to him, that will make you feel better in all this.

I understand that knee jerk reaction to want to "put things right" when you feel like he's angry or upset. I went through that many times. The fact is: it is not your job to fix this, or anything else. HE did this, not you. You have every right to feel angry or hurt and to express those feelings, just as he has every right to ignore them, hide, react how he chooses. We may not like the reaction, but it is HIS reaction, his decision, and all it does is tell you who he really is.

 

PLEASE now - you've stuck your hand in the fire, and got burned. It is time now to stop going near the fire. Keep well away, maintain your dignity and self respect by having nothing to do with him, and leave him to handle things however he chooses. Go silent and let him wonder what's going on with you for a change, because I guarantee you, speaking to him some more is not going to get you the answers or the closure you are craving. That closure can only come from you.