how often do you speak to MM or MW?

[BaileyB]

it doesn’t mean I have to settle for less than a basic text to see how I am every now and then. It’s not about who is first or second, it’s about respect and having consideration for me. I am also risking myself and placing myself in a compromised position, if one can’t give some acknowledgement after 3/4 days it’s not worth it.

 

But, it is about who is first and who is second because this is an affair, not a legit relationship. He has a wife at home who places demands on him, tells him to take the garbage out, makes him go to her family dinners, and listen to her problems at work. It’s doubtful that he is going to appreciate an affair partner who makes more demands on him.

 

Like any relationship, if you don’t like what he offers... then, you are not obligated to stay with him.

 

It’s not worth feeling used worthless and of low value

 

No, it’s not. If you don’t want to feel this way, you should not be engaged in an affair. Everyone here is saying - this is what you should expect, if you chose to be with a married man. If you don’t like it, make a different decision.

 

If he was to call you everyday and whisper sweet nothings on the phone... Or send you texts telling you how beautiful you are and how you have changed his life - it wouldn’t actually change anything. He could turn your head and put a smile on your face such that you actually forget the reality of the situation. The fact that he hasn’t done that makes it harder to ignore the fact that he is using you - you are using each other for a variety of different reasons - nothing more and nothing less.

Edited September 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is there a reason you don't want to be the primary object of someone's affection?

[lindt1111]

 

If he was to call you everyday and whisper sweet nothings on the phone... Or send you texts telling you how beautiful you are and how you have changed his life - it wouldn’t actually change anything. He could turn your head and put a smile on your face such that you actually forget the reality of the situation. The fact that he hasn’t done that makes it harder to ignore the fact that he is using you - you are using each other for a variety of different reasons - nothing more and nothing less.

 

I think that’s what makes it harder is that he doesn’t even bother doing that, he doesn’t even give that little of a f*** for me.

[lindt1111]

 

If he was to call you everyday and whisper sweet nothings on the phone... Or send you texts telling you how beautiful you are and how you have changed his life - it wouldn’t actually change anything. He could turn your head and put a smile on your face such that you actually forget the reality of the situation. The fact that he hasn’t done that makes it harder to ignore the fact that he is using you - you are using each other for a variety of different reasons - nothing more and nothing less.

 

I think that’s what makes it harder is that he doesn’t even bother doing that, he doesn’t even give that little of a f*** for me. That what makes it feel so much worse. It’s the most frustrating horrible sad lovely feeling ever

[BlindsidedTwice]

If he was to call you everyday and whisper sweet nothings on the phone... Or send you texts telling you how beautiful you are and how you have changed his life - it wouldn’t actually change anything. He could turn your head and put a smile on your face such that you actually forget the reality of the situation.

 

I just want to echo this. Even though this is the part that is hurting you right now, ultimately, it just makes things so much worse when it’s over. My xAP did and said all this crap - I was convinced that he was in love with me - and he still dropped me as fast as he could once dday arrived. I invested three years into a fake relationship that ruined my self esteem, my morals, my values, and my character. I stupidly thought I was making all these new amazing memories with this person I loved so much... and now it’s painfully obvious that it was just a total waste of time.

 

I am also a MW, which makes things more twisted and gross, but also gives me the perspective of the cheater. No matter how often we talked, mostly, it was lies. I lied a lot. I told him how funny he was, how good he was in bed, how strong and fit he was... etc and it didn’t matter if it was true or not because he wasn’t mine to deal with. I could boost his confidence and keep him around without actually having to follow through. I’d like to say I didn’t realize I was doing that, but deep down, I think I did. He was funny, but in a mean pessimistic rude way. He was good in bed, but only because we were having secret illicit affair sex. (We actually had slept together years and years prior and I walked away from him because the sex was so boring!) I had wanted him to believe he was getting stronger and fitter so that he would want to keep working out with me all the time. The point I’m making is... it’s all fake. Whether you’re getting 20 calls a day or one call every 20 days, it’s all fake. It is not worth your time, energy, or character.

 

I hope you will follow everyone’s advice here. Walk away. You can still save yourself.

[BaileyB]

I think that’s what makes it harder is that he doesn’t even bother doing that, he doesn’t even give that little of a f*** for me.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

With respect, not knowing anything about your affair, I wonder if you are making the classic mistake of believing that men think as women do. You are looking at his lack of communication from an emotional lens - “if he loved me, he would text me. The fact that he doesn’t means he doesn’t give a **** for me.” That may or may not be true, but men tend to look at things - affairs included - differently. My boyfriend thinks texting is a total waste of time. He doesn’t understand why I want him to text me goodnight and tell me that he loves me. He doesn’t understand why I want him to say “I’m so sorry” if I’m having a hard day. That said, men on this site will say time and again that they don’t think the same way in affairs. They surely enjoy the time they spend with you, but then they go home to their family. They re-engage with their wives, their children, their work. It’s not that you are forgotten or even that they don’t care, they have just moved on to other things...

 

Again, if you want a man who gives a ****, you would be wise to find yourself a boyfriend, not a married man. He has no obligation to make you happy or offer any kind of emotional support.

 

Or perhaps, you should be looking to your husband to meet these needs. (assuming you are married too).

[lindt1111]

I feel awful, almost close to tears.

I just seen him at work and insta toy missed him. He attempted to talk to me but I completely blanked him, barely looked at Him and mumbled a ‘hi’. I feel awful for doing this, he looked shocked when I done it but I didn’t want to engage or be nice to him only for him to think it’s all ok happy days.

I feel like crying now. Half of me feels like I shouldn’t care and should let him go, the other half feels bad for behaving like an idiot and for potentially pushing him away. I feel so confused right now and I’m questioning my decision to end things

[BaileyB]

My xAP did and said all this crap - I was convinced that he was in love with me - and he still dropped me as fast as he could once dday arrived. I invested three years into a fake relationship that ruined my self esteem, my morals, my values, and my character. I stupidly thought I was making all these new amazing memories with this person I loved so much... and now it’s painfully obvious that it was just a total waste of time..[/b]

 

Exactly. Be glad OP that your guy is at least being honest with you. He’s not promising the moon and then failing to deliver time and again, keeping you stuck in a dead end relationship for years as so many have experienced on this site.

 

At least you have the information to make a decision. I would much rather that than a man who says all the right words and still treats me badly.

[lindt1111]

I feel awful now

[Allupinnit]

I feel awful, almost close to tears.

I just seen him at work and insta toy missed him. He attempted to talk to me but I completely blanked him, barely looked at Him and mumbled a ‘hi’. I feel awful for doing this, he looked shocked when I done it but I didn’t want to engage or be nice to him only for him to think it’s all ok happy days.

I feel like crying now. Half of me feels like I shouldn’t care and should let him go, the other half feels bad for behaving like an idiot and for potentially pushing him away. I feel so confused right now and I’m questioning my decision to end things

 

He probably has no idea why you're upset and giving him the cold shoulder. He has no idea that you want more contact from him - given the nature of your relationship. Are you also married?

 

And it's a work place affair? Ugh. This is going to be a long, hard road for you, I'm afraid.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel awful now

 

How long has this affair been going on? If it only recently started, I'd get used to feeling this way if I were you. It goes hand in hand with affairs.

[lindt1111]

He probably has no idea why you're upset and giving him the cold shoulder. He has no idea that you want more contact from him - given the nature of your relationship. Are you also married?

 

And it's a work place affair? Ugh. This is going to be a long, hard road for you, I'm afraid.

 

He actually does know we spoke about this the last time I seen him. And he hasn’t contacted me since. Not even after he seen me upset today he didn’t care to even query why

[Prudence V]

Thank you. Irrespective of whether I am the other woman or not I still have values and I am still a human being with feelings I shouldn’t have to accept disrespect from anyone despite the situation.

 

Absolutely! There is no reason for you to accept such treatment. It is not inherent in the situation - some MM treat their APs terribly, while others treat them with respect and care. My fAP (now H) always made sure my needs were well met, ensured I knew I was the priority in his life, and treated me far better than some random SG would have done. And that’s key. If you’re single, you have a world of choice as to who you choose to involve yourself with. If you’re choosing him, he needs to earn it - to live up to your demands and more. You have many more options than he does, after all.

 

There is no reason to accept any worse treatment from a MM than you would from a SG. State your demands and expectations, and if he can’t meet them, dump him and find someone who will. Him hiding behind his married status is a farce - he’s already demonstrating that he feels feathers for his marriage by embarking on the EMR, so pretending to prioritise his BW is a joke. If he really loved or respected her, he wouldn’t be stepping out. So why not demand of him that he prioritise your needs? He can’t claim it both ways in all honesty.

 

Do not accept this treatment. If he senses you are willing to put up with so little, that’s the most you’ll ever get from him. If he can’t meet your barest minimum, he’s not the man for you. Put him out with the recycling and find someone better.

[lindt1111]

Guys I’m so so confused right now. Seeing him today I wanted him and missed him. I truly feel awful for being so rude and ignorant to him. It’s not the person I am to treat anyone like that. The look on his face makes me upset.

 

On the other hand I’m angry that he hasn’t made more effort to speak with me outside work. I discussed this with him last time we met how I always contact him first he said he’d change.

 

I’m so confused. I know he won’t leave her I know I can’t have him the way I want him but all I want is him and to spend time with him. I’ve never felt so confused.

 

And no I am not married I was seeing someone but have ultimately lost interest

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

On the other hand I’m angry that he hasn’t made more effort to speak with me outside work.

 

This is probably because he doesn't want to get caught.

[elaine567]

He blanked you for 3 days first, and you were not rude and definitely not ignorant.

You sussed out his little game of doing the absolute minimum to keep you on the hook.

 

Seems to me many MM lay it on thick at the start.

They schmooze and woo you and make you feel great.

OWs are hard to find for most MM, so he puts in the effort.

Once he feels he has "got" you, he can ramp back the effort.

Effort = risk for him, so he then wants to minimise risk for the same gain.

 

You are is dirty little secret at work, he doesn't want to increase the risk by seeing or speaking to you outside of work, if he can help it.

[BaileyB]

Is this a sexual affair? Where do you usually meet and how often?

[mark clemson]

People tend to think they're "in control" of their feelings and so expect it from others. I think this is much less true than people tend to think (just look at all the road rage incidents and other stupidity that get people into such trouble). Right now unfortunately your limbic system is a bit "hooked" on the MM, so you're feeling all this emotion that gets triggered, e.g. when you see him. The more logical/rational part of your brain knows what to do, but the more emotional part doesn't just shut off. Unfortunately you are likely to have this struggle for some time, although the intensity will probably die down.

[BTDT2012]

I’m so confused. I know he won’t leave her I know I can’t have him the way I want him but all I want is him and to spend time with him. I’ve never felt so confused.

 

 

You need a good therapist.

[lindt1111]

You need a good therapist.

 

Not particularly I’m quiet confident many women and men feel the same confusion based on other threads alone

[lindt1111]

Absolutely! There is no reason for you to accept such treatment. It is not inherent in the situation - some MM treat their APs terribly, while others treat them with respect and care. My fAP (now H) always made sure my needs were well met, ensured I knew I was the priority in his life, and treated me far better than some random SG would have done. And that’s key. If you’re single, you have a world of choice as to who you choose to involve yourself with. If you’re choosing him, he needs to earn it - to live up to your demands and more. You have many more options than he does, after all.

 

Thank you very much for your empathy kindness and understanding toward the situation I appreciate it

Edited September 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[pepperbird]

op

you really need to stop projecting your feelings on to him. Otherwise, you will be badly hurt over and over.

 

I know it;s not fair, but to some guys, their OW isn't deserving of respect because to them, she isn't respecting herself. They, and they may not even realize it, search for low hanging fruit

[Starswillshine]

OP, sure, everyone is entitled to respect; however, you will only get it when you respect yourself. You cannot will someone to respect you or do what you want. If you have expressed your feelings, and he has done nothing to fix it, the only option you have is to walk away.

 

I agree with others; at the very least, he has shown you what effort he is willing to make instead of lying and making all sorts of false promises. You either take it or leave. And this is true of any relationship. Period.

[lindt1111]

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

[Abetterme]

OP - I hope you will do the best thing for yourself, and just move on. How long have you been involved with MM? You really owe him nothing, as you’ve stated, he has shown you little respect. This cycle with continue as long as you let it. Of course he looked confused when you didn’t “fall in his arms” today. He’s been going cold on you in past, and a few sweet words and you’re right back where he wants you. Be strong!

 

I am not judging or trying to be harsh. I was in a 3 y A and dealt with immense highs and lows from the same pattern. It will hurt today, but day 1 is one day closer to breaking free. I would echo Marks comments on researching limerance. It is tough to break, but when you have a better understanding of the chemicals involved you can hopefully view the whole A more objectively and do what’s best for you. I wish you the best.