how often do you speak to MM or MW?

[Beendaredonedat]

I feel awful now

 

You feel awful most days because you're trying to control your romantic life and you are failing at it. You MUST ask yourself why you have put yourself in this position. You must take him down off the pedestal you've got him on. You must go zero contact so you can rehab from your addiction to him and so that you become free in heart and mind of him so you can find a man that is actually free to be with you.

 

If you won't do all those musts then I will venture to say that you are sorely afraid of commitment so you hang onto your addiction to this man because sub consciously, you know he's unable to commit so he's safe to you.

 

I don't think "understanding and empathy" are what you need here. What you need is a wake up call to get you jump started into a better state then what you're currently in.

 

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

SMH. No you should not contact him. You should block and delete him after you've told him to leave you the *&^% alone and never contact you again. Step off of the merry-go-round and start respecting yourself and start looking after your own heart because he sure aint doing it. Edited September 24, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Beendaredonedat]

Not particularly I’m quiet confident many women and men feel the same confusion based on other threads alone

 

Yes, and no disrespect intended but they all could use a good therapist to figure out why they allow such little for themselves. There is no shame in getting help to figure out why you tore down personal boundaries to be with someone you know will not commit to you. If you have an addiction to the up and down emotional drama, then seek help to overcome that addiction.

[BaileyB]

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

 

What’s your best case scenario? You tell him how you are feeling and why you are upset - he apologizes, tells you that he will do better, contacts you more often and feeds your ego with words of love and adoration... all while continuing to dishonour his wife and yourself by saying one thing and then doing something entirely differently - betraying his wife and using you to meet his own needs. Is that a win for you? What would make you happy? All is right with the world again?

 

What would happen if you just walked away? You don’t need to offer any explanations. Would the world come to a stop? Would he be angry and upset? Would he even care at all? Does it really matter to you what he thinks in your life journey...

[Maddie82]

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

 

No. You don't owe him anything. He obviously doesn't care about you the way you do about him, if at all, and the sooner you realize this the better. Leave it. Don't contact him. He is a cheater, happily cosying up to and sleeping with his wife while you're sat worrying about ignoring him. He doesnt care. That's all you have to remember. Don't contact him. Block him. Move on. Trust me, you'll feel allot better in time and will feel glad you put an end to it.

[NomiMalone]

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

 

For your sake of tying up loose ends and for some sense of closure, I’d send him one last text, telling him you can’t do this anymore, you deserve better, and you wish him well. Spell it out and ask him to PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT YOU AGAIN as you will not be replying.

 

Then go NC.

 

I’m not going to make it sound easy or sugar coat anything. NC with MM will make you feel absolutely broken. For me it was the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life. In the early days I‘d keep it together at work, count down the hours until my lunch break, then go home at lunch to lie in bed and cry. Then go back to work and count down till home time, and repeat.

 

HOWEVER the pain of NC is temporary, but the pain of remaining in the A and accepting the fewer and fewer crumbs, is forever. Please get out of this situation lindt, please learn to want better for yourself.

 

Like the others said, you need to figure out (perhaps with counselling), why you’re ok with being the OW on the side (as long as MM is attentive enough.)

[lindt1111]

Thank you again for the replies. I have read them all and will take all the advice on board. I agree with you all.

 

I feel low this morning, even after yesterday's clear indication I wasnt happy he still made no effort. Today is day 5. In my opinion If he had any interest or desire or anything for me he would want to talk to me, about anything, have some contact or connection with me in between meetings. Should that not be the norm, the basic? Irrespective of the circumstances should he not have some drive to keep in contact. Is is he really that stupid to think I would actually be ok with this.

 

I am probably repeating my self a little however this is the only place I can voice how I feel as I cant talk to anyone else about this

[lindt1111]

For your sake of tying up loose ends and for some sense of closure, I’d send him one last text, telling him you can’t do this anymore, you deserve better, and you wish him well. Spell it out and ask him to PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT YOU AGAIN as you will not be replying.

 

Then go NC.

 

 

I feel like I have already started NC to be honest so I am going to keep going ie I wont be messaging him. However I am afraid I will get weak if he does reach out to me and I will end up speaking to him and telling him how I feel

[pepperbird]

What should I do now then? Contact him and explain why I acted today and tell him how I feel as stated here or leave him until and if he contacts me?

 

 

In my opinion, you need to take back your power, and the first step is to create some distance between you and the MM.

 

I say that because your words lack clarity. It's almost like he's got you on some sort of hamster wheel, and you try and try and, and each time he lets you down, you try a little bit harder and your self esteem drops a little bit lower.

 

Stop! He's not worth it. I know it may not seem like it, but you have so many options, and he shouldn't even be in your top ten.

 

Why not make a deal with yourself? Tell yourself you are going to go X amount of time without contacting him in any way. No calls, texts, emails, in person meetings, whatever. Give yourself some time to "detox" and then, when you feel ready to look at the relationship with some objectivity, ask yourself if it was really making you happy and if it's worth it to you to stay with him.

 

 

 

If he's a jerk, he's a jerk, and being married is no excuse for that.

[Maddie82]

Personally i wouldn't talk to him again. He has made no effort whatsoever. Make a clean break and block/delete his number. He may have already taken the hint when you ignored him. Think about you now, not him. You deserve better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Irrespective of the circumstances should he not have some drive to keep in contact.

 

Yes, if he is interested in sustaining a relationship with you, he should have some drive to kee in contact. He was probably expecting it to be easier with you, that you would accept whatever bread crumbs he offers you, and not require more attention. But, since you aren't ok with that, he will move on to someone who will accept even less of him than you did, all the while still going home to climb into bed with his unsuspecting wife.

[NomiMalone]

Thank you again for the replies. I have read them all and will take all the advice on board. I agree with you all.

 

I feel low this morning, even after yesterday's clear indication I wasnt happy he still made no effort. Today is day 5. In my opinion If he had any interest or desire or anything for me he would want to talk to me, about anything, have some contact or connection with me in between meetings. Should that not be the norm, the basic? Irrespective of the circumstances should he not have some drive to keep in contact. Is is he really that stupid to think I would actually be ok with this.

 

I am probably repeating my self a little however this is the only place I can voice how I feel as I cant talk to anyone else about this

 

Lindt, unfortunately you cannot force him to make an effort when he doesn’t want to. You cannot force someone to want to talk to you. You cannot change someone. You can only walk away.

 

You need to get out of this space of denial and accept the situation for what it really is.

[lindt1111]

Lindt, unfortunately you cannot force him to make an effort when he doesn’t want to. You cannot force someone to want to talk to you. You cannot change someone. You can only walk away.

 

You need to get out of this space of denial and accept the situation for what it really is.

 

100% know I can’t force him. My point is if he had any consideration or if I meant anything to him then he would want to at least talk to me and show some interest in my life. Heck some Mm or guys in general don’t even care about another’s life but still show some interest. The fact he can’t even do that speaks volumes really

[lindt1111]

Yes, if he is interested in sustaining a relationship with you, he should have some drive to kee in contact. He was probably expecting it to be easier with you, that you would accept whatever bread crumbs he offers you, and not require more attention. But, since you aren't ok with that, he will move on to someone who will accept even less of him than you did, all the while still going home to climb into bed with his unsuspecting wife.

 

Everything you have written here is on the spot, you are 100% right and have given me the most accurate analysis of the situation. I have decided not to reach out to him. If he reaches out to me I will deal with accordingly but I am not accepting this s*** treatment, regardless of whether I am OW or with a single guy I shouldn’t have to be treated this badly

[anika99]

Lindt, unfortunately you cannot force him to make an effort when he doesn’t want to. You cannot force someone to want to talk to you. You cannot change someone. You can only walk away.

 

You need to get out of this space of denial and accept the situation for what it really is.

 

This is so true and it applies to any relationship, not just affairs.

 

I had a longterm relationship with an alcoholic man and during the last eighteen months of our relationship it seemed that we constantly fought over his inattentiveness to me. He had no interest in spending time with me or meeting any of my emotional needs. One day it finally hit me. I realized that the reason he didn't spend time with me or pay attention to me was simply because he didn't want to. Then I thought why the hell am I chasing a man or crying over a man who clearly doesn't even want me? Once I faced reality it was easy to walk away. I mean it was still painful to end a longterm relationship but easy in the sense that I knew it was the right choice.

[ABernie]

My fAP and I started out as friends. When I met him, I never would have thought it would turn into what it did.

 

He messaged me a question one day and it turned into at least 100 messages a day until DD#1.

 

After that it was a few messages a day or maybe every other day.

 

After DD#2 it was every week or a few weeks.

 

After DD#3 there has been NC.

 

I do know that some people are texters and some people are not. I am and I want my partner to be one. It just makes me think that they are thinking about me.

 

 

If you are only a week in, I urge you to get out. The pain you will feel now will be nothing compared to the pain after you fall and MM woos you into thinking there is a future. He may believe everything he says, but push comes to shove, men rarely leave.

[darkbloom]

I’ve been NC for awhile now.

 

But when we did speak is was multiple times a day everyday. The only time we didn’t speak is when we were mad. He even texted me on his wedding day. Communicating doesn’t really mean anything other than to keep you trapped in the cycle of dysfunction. He always initiated and I always responded.

 

If you are hurting now it gets worse the deeper you get.

[Maddie82]

He even texted me on his wedding day.

 

Wow, on his wedding day? That was very insensitive of him

[elaine567]

My point is if he had any consideration or if I meant anything to him then he would want to at least talk to me and show some interest in my life.

 

So what does the fact he doesn't talk or take interest tell you?

 

He no doubt got a little titillation and an ego boost from seeing you, he may even have unburdened some of his sorry life story onto you, but once he got his fill he was satisfied.

He wasn't thinking of you, in fact he may have zoned out when you told him your problems. This is an affair, fun and laughter and an escape he doesn't want to hear any of your problems.

This is NOT singles dating.

MM are often conflict avoidant too, it is why they are in an affair and not getting a divorce. They rug sweep, they paper over the cracks and cheat

Any "issues" and he just doesn't want to hear about them...

Lalalaa - fingers in the ears....

[lindt1111]

It tells me he has no respect for me , he’s self centred, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t value me, he’s only using me

[lindt1111]

I have made my decision that I am worth more than this. I am worth so much more. But how should I proceed now. I’m torn between

1) contacting him in a few days and telling him it’s over draw a line under it get closure take back some control and move in or

2) leave it let him go maintain nc. However I am conscious that this option will let him think he still has me only to contact me when it suits him and ultimately devalues me more. On the other hand if that happens I always have the choice not to reply.

 

Note I am going to see him every day at work also

 

What do you guys suggest

[Maddie82]

What do you guys suggest

 

Many have already told you what to do. Don't contact him again. Block and delete his number. Continue ignoring him at work (unless its work related). He has likely already gotten the hint by now anyway. That fact that you still mention about contacting him shows you are struggling to actually let go.

[gettinoverit]

Wow, on his wedding day? That was very insensitive of him

 

My husband did the same thing to me with his OW, I found out later. But the point of lack of communication and the reasons behind it is a key answer we just don't want to acknowledge. We twist and turn and make excuses and slice it any which way we can: he's busy, he's stressed, he's got other demands right now, he's nervous, he's shy, he's this or that. But at the end of the day, it really is quite simple: if they wanted to speak to us, see us, know us, find out what's going on with us, be a part of our lives - they would. It is that simple. And if they're not reaching out we have our answer, whether we like it or not.

[gettinoverit]

I have made my decision that I am worth more than this. I am worth so much more. But how should I proceed now. I’m torn between

1) contacting him in a few days and telling him it’s over draw a line under it get closure take back some control and move in or

2) leave it let him go maintain nc. However I am conscious that this option will let him think he still has me only to contact me when it suits him and ultimately devalues me more. On the other hand if that happens I always have the choice not to reply.

 

Note I am going to see him every day at work also

 

What do you guys suggest

 

Option 2. Definitely. I remember doing option 1 several years ago, and the response I got was "There's nothing to end". Which hurt like HELL, considering he had been chasing me over a year, come on super strong, and I was under the (clearly mistaken) impression that we had something going. I felt like such a fool.

Leave it. Maintain NC. In your head it's over. Don't even bother telling him. Why should you? He hasn't been communicating with you at all, so why should you extend him that courtesy? He'll get the message. You DO have the choice to ignore him when he contacts you. Of course, you won't, because you will feel rude, or mean, or some other such thing. So make a pact with yourself that you will only answer if it is a work thing. Or you will answer only after a certain period of time and only if you can answer in less than 2 words. Something like that, so you don't feel rude, but at the same time you are not engaging. This guy thinks he can pick you up and put you down whenever he feels like it. Show him he can't.

[ABernie]

Leave it. Maintain NC. In your head it's over. Don't even bother telling him. Why should you? He hasn't been communicating with you at all, so why should you extend him that courtesy? He'll get the message. You DO have the choice to ignore him when he contacts you. Of course, you won't, because you will feel rude, or mean, or some other such thing. So make a pact with yourself that you will only answer if it is a work thing. Or you will answer only after a certain period of time and only if you can answer in less than 2 words. Something like that, so you don't feel rude, but at the same time you are not engaging. This guy thinks he can pick you up and put you down whenever he feels like it. Show him he can't.

 

I think this is a great plan.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What do you guys suggest

 

How long has the affair been going on?