merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 I have an odd conundrum that's developed as fallout from my husband's affair with my sister-in-law seven years ago. We've been completely NC with her. The problem is the family land that we still own together because my brother died leaving it all to her and my nephews. I have a trust that handles my part as things come up. There are mineral rights and new business ventures, stuff like that. The problem is the family "cabin" was left to my brother by my parents, so now it's hers. She pays taxes and someone to keep up the outside but structurally the house is deteriorating. Two of my kids want to go there because it's beautiful, fun and relaxing. The nephews remember family get-togethers that they hope will be relived. (I'm confident she did not tell them the whole story.) The real catch is that stupidly my father buried my mother's ashes there and put a memorial bench over it, then his sister's with a plaque. Of course, we did the same thing when he died and my brother. It's a regular graveyard. I tried to contact SIL a month ago and became a blabbering idiot when I tried to leave a message. My psychologist niece says it's normal behavior when someone with PTSD has to speak to the perpetrator for the first time. SIL is now married to a control freak and wrote me two emails to schedule a phone call. I couldn't do the times she offered but then she would just drop the chain and never write back. My nephew and I are close and he tells me she's never dealt with his father's death and when the subject of the cabin comes up, she becomes catatonic. He said she was contacted by her high school boyfriend the month my brother died and they were married six months later. That is definitely not dealing with things. But what I know for a fact is that what she did not deal with is the fact of her affair with her brother-in-law which she insisted was "mostly" friendship. That denial was not just a word in her case. It was deep and kind of creepy. She has psychological problems and has been in counseling for years. I did not realize how messed up she is until all of that happened. And I do not want to know. I was happy having zero to do with her. So I'm okay with pulling out of the family conversation and never joining their reunions. My children can negotiate terms of to use the facility with her. One suggestion was my lawyer son and her lawyer highness hash it out. Good plan except that's the one offspring that doesn't care about the cabin. It's the other two that are interested. Whatever. She's now sending me documentation about the other land that we do own together because my trustee tends to be slightly if not colossally incompetent and fails to sign things for years and years. So that's helpful. Probably I should see about getting another trustee but don't know quite how to go about it. I was hoping at one point I could muster up the courage to talk to SIL about that. My question is do I REALLY need to put myself through ANY kind of contact with her at all? I have no one else who knows what's going on with the land and the trust officer. My other brother is also co-owner but he's business disabled, as I call it. He helps me not at all because he doesn't know what he's talking about. He's rich without working at it and lets the wife keep the investments going. I'm poor without working at it and do need advice. I'm putting this in the Infidelity forum because that's all I know and this situation is absolutely 1000% traumatizing precisely BECAUSE of its origins in that murky nastiness all those years ago. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Author Share Posted September 23, 2019 Anyway, my heartrate is going up just writing about it and I feel like crying. No, nevermind. I've answered my own question. I'd rather die penniless and spend all my trust than ever endure her demeaning treatment of me. It's how she dealt with her guilt. She cannot be honest with me because she is not honest with herself. She NEEDS to disrespect me to feel better about herself. Fortunately, her erratic contact indicates it is difficult for her, too. I think that I don't have to do this. No contact is there for a reason. This is it. It probably will never change. You can't just decide it's okay one day. It's not a decision. It's a state of being. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 The problem is the family "cabin" was left to my brother by my parents, so now it's hers. There is no problem, the "cabin" is hers, thus despite "family history", she can do as she pleases with it. Your brother inherited it from your parents and she is now the joint owner, with her son. Your nephew will no doubt be sole owner once she dies, so you and your kids have no claim to anything. It is all just "sentimental" nostalgia for a time gone by. If your parents had envisaged your children using it as a relaxing retreat they would not have left it to your brother. If it is falling to bits that is up to your SIL and your nephew, they can actually demolish it if they want, they own it. Yes, it is more complicated as she was your husband's OW, but if there is any blame for the family cabin ending up outwith your and your children's control, then it lies solely with your parents. The "cabin" is now nothing to do with you or your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 I agree with elaine567, the cabin is hers so there is nothing you can do about it. If she wont allow your kids there then that's her right. You don't need to have anything to do with her and you don't need to talk to her. Rent out your land or something and move away if it bothers you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Author Share Posted September 23, 2019 Right. I actually liked it like that but my kids want to negotiate with her. My nephew wants us all to be there together just like old times. This is why I'm sure she couldn't have told him the truth. There was even talk of trading my share of the co-owned land for the cabin, but my brother said she herself didn't think it would be fair to me. Of course, this becomes a straightforward appraisal question, no loveshack input needed. But she never said this to me — because we don't speak! It's not really that I care about the things. I do hate that she hates having to deal with my family's freaking buried ashes. But frankly my parents would say just that — good grief, that's why they wanted to be cremated in the first place. Nope, I can let that go, too. It's not the people that are there. No, it's the idea that I need to speak to her about the trust management, the land development or any of it. Stuff needs to be talked about, but I think putting my son on it is going to be fine. He'll feel important. Yep, I always come back to this and that is a true thing. My parents did this and it's so done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Author Share Posted September 23, 2019 My husband gets so annoying about it when the subject comes up, too. He makes a big deal out of saying he's not helping restore the cabin (He built it and maintained it for years), but it always sounds a little too loud and little too dramatic - like he's hoping he'll be begged to do it. The problem is that no one really understands except my daughter that their affair is not just something to be forgiven and forgotten. My son actually said that to me once: You have to forgive dad and get on with things and that he resented not being able to invite her to his wedding. NC. You don't talk about or remember these things with NC. Apparently she preferred it, too, since she hasn't thought to try another email - which is a relief. Nevermind. Maybe this is just late-night molehill obsession. There's nothing to do and no reason to think about this any more. It's a non-entity. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Why cant you let it go? If she wont allow your kids then are you going to fight it? Is it even worth it? Doesn't sound like to me and you wont get anywhere. It sounds like this doesn't really have anything to do with the cabin but more to do with their affair. You have become obsessive over a cabin that belongs to HER. Nothing you can do about that but you sound hellbent on using something of hers because she used something of yours (your husband). Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 23, 2019 Author Share Posted September 23, 2019 Ugh, not really. No, I DON'T want to do it. It's my kids that want it and I kept thinking I ought to be able to talk to her by now for their sakes. I'm agreeing with you. I'm not feeling very gracious about it maybe, but I'm saying, yes, you are both right and it reinforces what my policy has been. My brother suggested asking her about the trade-off of land, but I think even that has to come from her. I'm glad I articulated it and voiced what I already was saying and doing. Which was nothing. It's not about the cabin. It's about having to deal with her and there's not much that would make that tenable. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Nah, after what she did, i'd be encouraging my kids to not have anything to do with her or her cabin. I wouldn't talk to her full stop. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 IIRC, is this not the same cabin your husband and the SIL conducted most of their long term affair in? Why would your sons want to go anywhere near that place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 merrmeade, You can always hire or get a third party to represent your interests in the property. How about your kids? Also, some type of visit could be arranged where you can go and pay your respects to you BIL, and others with out her being there. Your kids will and seems have to deal with the OW, but that is on them, and you should not make them go NC, as they have to work with her. Your husband should remain NC in any case. So, in a nut shell, put in a buffer between her and you. Do not mind what others say. Some wounds, just go too deep. I wish you luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Sounds like an ugly situation all the way around. If it were me I would just forget the cabin and as you say... let your kids deal with it if they so want to go visit. As for the joint property I think I would be looking for a way to unload it and walk away with a pile of cash that I could use for something else and be done with the OW once and for all. Just an idea.... I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 It's not about the cabin. It's about having to deal with her and there's not much that would make that tenable. I'm not sure both sides of your brain are on the same page here. One, for reasons of its own, seems to be pulling you towards as the other rational side sensibly pushes you away. Assuming your kids are adults, let them make their own fully-informed choices. There's no reason any time spent with her side of the family needs to involve you and you can simply state you're not interested in any of the details. The land deal is a similarly simple fix. Get a competent trustee that provides a buffer between parties and go on with your life. This only gets messy if you have some unrecognized need to make it so. Sounds like you've done the hard work and made substantial progress, I wouldn't willingly surrender any of that over something as trivial as this. Live well, that's how the good guys win... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 24, 2019 Author Share Posted September 24, 2019 IIRC, is this not the same cabin your husband and the SIL conducted most of their long term affair in? Why would your sons want to go anywhere near that place?what is IIRC? Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 24, 2019 Share Posted September 24, 2019 what is IIRC? If I recall correctly. Aren’t your kids adults? If so, let them deal with their cousins/aunt. You don’t need to get involved. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted September 25, 2019 Author Share Posted September 25, 2019 Yes, it’s true. They can talk to her without me regarding the cabin. Link to post Share on other sites
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