I feel really friendzoned by my LDR connection. How should I react about it?

[Fleiss]

Hi, yesterday I really felt friend-zoned by my LDR contact, whom I have known for about 11 months.

(Well, I have posted about this 3 months ago, but the update wasn't possible on that thread. So here's again a quick background and update..)

We're almost of the same age, have texted and videochatted quite a bit, while met only one in January, when he visited my town. We have talked about me visiting him in his hometown [a 2-hour or so flight] in upcoming May, when he would return home from his 1-year duty abroad.

After meeting up in person - and having sex, as well - I told him that I also felt a bit for him. He reacted well, saying that he likes me, too, with both of us agreeing that time would tell. He's the one texting me first more often, just as being the one more inconsistent in terms of a reasonably timely response..

 

Anyway, considering the situation, I haven't been expecting much from the whole thing, and been simultaneously dating other men. Yesterday, while chatting, he asked me how good I've been at seeking love in other men. My response was: "Hahaha, what a million-dollar question."

No further words from us till now...And I don't really know how to react from now on, should he get in touch again...

 

Am I right about feeling hit by him below the belt? I mean, what's the point of asking such a question under our circumstances?!

 

Should I play it down and send him {unrequested} pics of me with upcoming dates, in order to intentionally "provoke" him? Or just let the incident go?

 

[i also feel like blocking him, putting thus an end to our connection for good, but it seems to me that I would be overreacting, which also might boomerang on me missing him (more)..]

 

Thanks..

[d0nnivain]

WHAT?!! You make zero sense.

 

You have some sort of an LDR interaction with a guy you met once & had sex with. You are actively dating other men but expecting to see this guy again in May 2020. He's stupid enough to ask you about other men & you give a cryptic response. Then you get all pissy at him & want to stop talking to him.

 

Honey, he's looking for reassurance that you care. If in the spirit of honestly you could not say you had been faithful, you should have at least assured him that if you had a more conventional arrangement & if you ever close the gap you'd be committed.

 

You're chosen response is to hurt him more by throwing these other guys in his face. How freakin' cruel are you?

 

Yes it was a mistake to ask you about the others. He didn't ask because he only wanted to be your friend. He asked because he wanted reassurance that you cared about him.

[Fleiss]

First of all, we're not in an exclusive relationship. So, I can hardly believe he has been saving himself for me either. Now, regarding his question to me [about other men], if he cares about me in the way you're suggesting, then I find it a bit too indirect/elusive. Also, he has almost always given me to understand that he likes me only as a friend - this maybe due to the circumstances/distance - with a slim chance of the connection evolving into a relationship, even though he knows it very well that I like him a lot..

 

Anyway, I stand corrected. Should I ask him what he really meant by it?

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[d0nnivain]

I know you are not exclusive. He does too. That is why he was wrong to ask. You can only get in more trouble by talking about this. If you lie, he'll be upset that you lied. If you tell him the truth that there have been other dates, he will be hurt that there were other dates. The only way this conversation "works" is not to have it until you are both in a position to become exclusive. Given the distance I suspect you don't want exclusive under the present circumstances but his ill advised Q was probably a ham-handed attempt to change the status quo or relieve his guilt about other women but I suspect it's the former.

 

IMO you should ignore the Q as if it had never been asked. If he's dumb enough to brooch the subject again before the distance closes my answer would be something along the lines of:

 

While we're apart it's unrealistic to hold the other to promises. I'd just as soon not talk about this. You're gonna do what you're gonna do & I'

m

gonna do what I'

m

gonna do & if we don't talk about it we can just live in a happy little bubble of ignorance. Now if you want to talk about closing the distance, that is a conversation I'

m

willing to have.

See what that gets you.

[justwhoiam]

Hi, yesterday I really felt friend-zoned by my LDR contact

Weird. Aren't you friendzoning him by dating other guys?

We're almost of the same age

Two men aged 37 & 38 (just to give posters here some more context).

After meeting up in person - and having sex, as well - I told him that I also felt a bit for him. He reacted well, saying that he likes me, too, with both of us agreeing that time would tell.

In your other thread, you mentioned texting him that you like him a lot, and he said he feels the same way about you. But the question is... what does that really mean to you? Because I know that if I have a crush on someone, I don't feel like hooking up with other guys. While I guess that these past 8 months after meeting him in person, keeping in touch with him and developing an emotional bond, you still feel like hooking up with other guys. And I'm not sure if it's to fulfill your urges/needs, or if it's to look around and see if you can find anyone better than him, or to fill the void because he's not there with you and you need physical affection whomever that might come from, or if it's just for fun or out of boredom. Which exactly is your case? Why are you in a relationship forum if you want casual hookups and some thrill and not a real relationship? Or you're thinking ahead when you and this guy might be in a real relationship?

The temporary distance might justify postponing commitment or starting a relationship, but you sound as if you want the relationship without being in one, which is very confusing.

Anyway, considering the situation, I haven't been expecting much from the whole thing, and been simultaneously dating other men. Yesterday, while chatting, he asked me how good I've been at seeking love in other men. My response was: "Hahaha, what a million-dollar question."

That would just make me think you don't know your feelings. And in fact, you have mixed feelings about this guy, as he doesn't answer your texts as promptly as you'd wish. But instead of having an honest conversation with him, you left it up in the air as in: who knows if I feel anything for you. I like you... but I can like other guys as much.

No further words from us till now...And I don't really know how to react from now on, should he get in touch again...

How about being straightforward and not beating about the bush? It looks like you saw potential with him after all.

Am I right about feeling hit by him below the belt?

No, you're not.

I mean, what's the point of asking such a question under our circumstances?!

Because he wants to know if you found anyone else with whom you felt a connection aka chemistry? He was testing the water to see if he got replaced?

Should I play it down and send him {unrequested} pics of me with upcoming dates, in order to intentionally "provoke" him?

I'm not sure if that's an exciting game between gays, but to me - like some other poster said - sounds evilly b--chy, especially between two grown men almost in their 40s. What is it that you really want with this man?

[i also feel like blocking him, putting thus an end to our connection for good

I'm not really sure what he did wrong in your mind. I think that you feel like he's playing with you. But again, you're two grown men, why is it so difficult to have a conversation about what each of you is looking for? Just think of this: you knew he was leaving for a year, but that didn't stop you from meeting him after 2 months of online chatting and from having sex with him. You could have asked him to resume contact once back, but no, you didn't. And now you're complaining about him not being fully there for you, while you are having sex with other guys, so the emotional bond is kind of messed up, when you let others in.

but it seems to me that I would be overreacting, which also might boomerang on me missing him (more)..

Definitely an overreaction. Find the answers to all the questions above and you'll have a clearer picture of the situation.

First of all, we're not in an exclusive relationship

Is it possible to have an open relationship with someone you only met once? Or would you better define that arrangement as FWB? From here, it sounds more like a repeatable one-night stand (where you keep in touch in the event the experience can be repeated to mutual benefit).

I can hardly believe he has been saving himself for me

Does everyone know he's gay in his work environment? What do you know about that? You're just assuming stuff, apparently, based on who knows what.

he has almost always given me to understand that he likes me only as a friend

How? Did it ever occur to you to ask him? Like, do you like me as just a friend or are you really attracted to me? Edited September 24, 2019 by justwhoiam

[Fleiss]

Again, we got to know each other on a dating site.. We had been chatting for 2 or 3 months, when he came to my town by the end of January, and met in person. We spent 2 days together, and then he returned home. In May he went on a 1-year duty in another European country.}

 

When I told him that I found it disrespectful about his occasionally responding unreasonably late to my texts, once - I guess 3 months ago - he replied saying that he didn't intend to rush things, and what matters is that we wouldn't be losing touch, after all. To which I replied saying that it wasn't about rushing things, but there should be a timely reaction to a question asked, at least. Or no reaction at all!

 

I've made it clear to him early on that I like him a lot, and he's well aware of it, but he's much more elusive and evasive than me. On the one hand, I would like a relationship with him, but I also know - just as he does - that distance takes its toll, plus, he has maybe always considered me just as friend. Once, I said to him "You have so many friends. You don't need me." To which, he replied saying I was really important to him.

 

All things considered, I have often wondered that he was basically just looking for my attention. True, I have been dating other guys, and maybe he, as well. The thing is that we have never talked about it, which was something of "don't ask, don't tell".

 

 

You're saying he was testing waters? Is that an effective way of doing it, instead of being more straightforward about his feelings and asking for my reassurance?? Sorry, but why do I see this just a way to "officially" friend-zone me?!

 

(He's really masculine, and out to nobody at work.)

 

 

***Update..***

 

I texted him at 11 pm last night, saying there was most probably some misunderstanding between us, while asking him to tell me what he really meant by that question. It appears that he read the message at 03:30 am - he also works night shift. He was online 10 min ago, but no reaction so far.

 

Is there anything else I can do?

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would let it go... It’s quite clear that you are more invested than he is at this time.

 

The chances that you will be able to establish a long term relationship with a man when you are long distance and you have met once in over a year are slim to none...

[Fleiss]

Another update...He responded saying that he was curious whether I had met someone nice, and fallen in love. I said no. He was in the same state of affairs. When I asked about his interest in me, he told me he considered me to be "a very good friend, and more." I didn't ask him if by "more" he meant just sex, or also something emotional. Anyway, becoming more aware of the distance, recently I have been able to better keep my feelings in check - i.e. not missing him that much - by placing the required emphasis on practicality, in order to protect myself against the unnecessary emotional investment.

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[preraph]

Well, you've already responded, and it was as good as any because he's not your girlfriend/confident and we both know he doesn't want to hear about other men. If it comes up again, I would say, "Why don't you let me worry about my social life and you worry about your own until such a time as we are both in the same location."

[d0nnivain]

What are the chances the distance can be closed & when? Until you address these two things, all the rest is pie in the sky

[Fleiss]

I'm not harboring the idea of having an intimate relationship with him. Not gearing feelings toward this, until we're both sure that we can't live without each other. On top of that, for me this would be twice as difficult, with regard to finding employment, and so on..

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed