Just been ghosted - venting

[Alamo657]

Ghosting : How in modern dating we are just disposable commodities.

 

From big declarations, promises and passion to sudden silence and indifference.

 

Even when we can guess the why’s, it’s no less difficult to cope with.

 

I ghosted you back, because there is not much else to do against the easiest breakup scheme.

 

I guess at some point you'll send a msg to ask me "why i disappeared", and that "you were waiting for me to call you", and "now it's too late".

Been there, done that already.

 

Back to square one.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry that happened. Good for your for knowing your own worth & knowing that if the person comes crawling back you will not be receptive.

[Soak]

I'm not sure what ghosting is, but i'm guessing it's a slow, sudden disappearance without an explanation?

 

How i see it is, if somebody didn't value you enough to hang around or communicate with you, then they are not worth your time. That is, if nothing bad has happened to them (hence the reason they may not be contacting?).

 

I say go NC if they have cut you off without an explanation. It's a survival mechanism and i think you need to practise this.

 

Do not feel bad about it.. Realise that it is an important aspect of self care and you deserved to be respected.

 

Cut this person off, they are not worth your time or energy.

[Alamo657]

She eventually came out of the wood to justify herself and try to make me "not angry" at her.

 

I got all the textbook reasons:

- not ready to be in a relationship

- need to be with herself alone

- want us to be civil and even friendly when crossing paths

 

She totally love-bombed me in the beginning, then she withdrew her affection but was available for sex, then she flipped out, went silent, then came back to justify herself.

 

I have never been love-bombed before so I had to read on it to understand what happened to me.

 

It hurts because my mental state was to find a life partner; so she created great expectations in my head, that she apparently could not handle.

 

I have a hunch that because she is in a very unstable period of her life, that she felt attracted to another guy (won't go into details but that's a speculation based on things I know happened), thus simply walked out of us to be free for something else. I was a rebound, which I failed to accept because of the feelings I thought we shared for each other. Love made me blind.

 

I'm completely sad and desperate about it because it felt so good, I was in a bliss, and my dope was brutally taken away from me.

 

Dating is not for the faint of heart indeed.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Alamo657

[The Outlaw]

I can relate, but the best thing to do is brush it off the best you can and walk away. That's what I had to do. I was given the same false sense of hope and then in the blink of an eye, she was gone. No reason given. It isn't ever easy, but people such as that are best left forgotten. But I can promise you that it will get better.

[Cersei]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. I have been there in the past too and I have never felt so hurt in my life. It's unexpected and unexplained.

 

Don't be afraid to feel all that you are feeling then let it go when you are ready.

 

You did nothing wrong....they did! It is better now that you know their true character instead of 5 years down the road.

 

Block, delete, unfriend everything and go into full non contact. You don't want to know what is going on with them.

[scooby-philly]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. I have been there in the past too and I have never felt so hurt in my life. It's unexpected and unexplained.

 

Don't be afraid to feel all that you are feeling then let it go when you are ready.

 

You did nothing wrong....they did! It is better now that you know their true character instead of 5 years down the road.

Block, delete, unfriend everything and go into full non contact. You don't want to know what is going on with them.

 

This right there - that part I bolded in the quote. Cersei hit the nail on the head - ghosting or any other type of break up where someone doesn't have the courage to tell you to your face proves their character. Sure, maybe they will change in 10 or 20 years. But for now, remind yourself - if it was a normal, quasi healthy relationship and they professed love, at least they could have the courage to talk and the courage to do it in person. Don't beat yourself up and don't let your mind spiral with "why?".

 

And to her other great point - don't fight the feelings - any feelings - when they come. Okay, if you don't want to cry at work that's understandable - but if you can sneak off into the bathroom or somewhere else private to let the tears go - do it. The toughest men I know - business leaders, Marine Corp Colonels, Army Generals, Spiritual Leaders - have emotions and crying is healthy. And so is getting angry and so is mild depression. Just make sure you lean on some close friends and/or family to help you however you need it.

[Cora]

I understand completely! I never felt more alone or hurt in my life when I was ghosted after six months of dating. It sucks, and has caused me to be less trusting, but it does get better. It takes some time, but I promise it does get better! Hang in there.

[Alamo657]

I have a hunch that because she is in a very unstable period of her life, that she felt attracted to another guy (won't go into details but that's a speculation based on things I know happened), thus simply walked out of us to be free for something else. I was a rebound

 

Well just to add to the story, my little birds gave me confirmation that she was indeed cheating on me.

 

I'm devastated and hurting so much right now. I want to hang.

[scooby-philly]

Well just to add to the story, my little birds gave me confirmation that she was indeed cheating on me.

 

I'm devastated and hurting so much right now. I want to hang.

 

NO MATTER WHAT OP - IT"S ON THE OTHER PERSON, NOT YOU. It's not easy to go through life as a giver, a lover, a supporter, a real genuine person. But at the end of the day you need to accept yourself and accept the fact that you cannot control anyone else and that you cannot stop yourself from being hurt.

 

As I sit here right now I am 38 and just had the worst heartbreak of my life happen 6.5 weeks ago. I thought I turned a corner last week by find myself lost this past weekend and today. And yet despite the fact that I'm depressed, sad, lonely, and hurt - I know that I can get through this and will emerge smarter, stronger, and a better version of myself for having loved, for having tried, and hopefully I'll emerge with better skills to get rid of people who aren't meant to be in my life forever quicker and to stay positive so I can find love.

 

You do not need to feel sorry for yourself. Love is blind as you said yourself. But at least it happened now and not in another month, another year, in ten years. May seem like shallow words, but being in the situation I'm in, let me tell you, the pain only gets worse the longer the relationship goes so smile and know that at least you're not even further invested.

[preraph]

Everyone in OLD and dating is likely to start off hoping you are the person they would like to be with. But in both scenarious, the longer they interact with you, the better they know you, they lose the idealism and hope and realize you're not it (unless you happen to be it, which is rare).

[Alamo657]

Everyone in OLD and dating is likely to start off hoping you are the person they would like to be with. But in both scenarious, the longer they interact with you, the better they know you, they lose the idealism and hope and realize you're not it (unless you happen to be it, which is rare).

 

Of course.

 

But.

 

Let me give some more detail.

 

Before she went into ghosting we had an evening at friends; no one knew we were dating yet (it was recent and a secret), one guy furiously flirted with her; he had an interest in her for a long time. She basically didn't act like she was taken and basically flirted back. She then spent 20 minutes discussing with the guy on the parking lot while i was chatting with other people. Then we went to her home.

The day after, we spent the day together and all seemed fine.

Then, she went into very very low contact and eventually went silent.

 

My deduction skills and information from another person deduced that she spent at least one night with him during that time.

 

When she came back out of ghosting to justify the breakup, that she already established we were done, and that i accepted it, then i asked straight to her face if she was hiding something from me that she wanted to say here and now for the sake of honesty before we part ways.

 

She immediately answered "are you seriously talking about XXXX?"

 

I confirmed my question, and got the "he's a friend" answer.

 

Of course, should i expect a cheater to disclose her cheating... never gonna happen, but yet i hoped...

 

But then again, i also wanted confirmation that she's just a liar, and somehow it hurts ALOT. That someone you were close to, even after a civil conversation where i basically didn't resist the breakup, was unable to give me that last shot of honesty that would have allowed me to hate her treason, and not her treason AND lies.

[scooby-philly]

Of course.

 

But.

 

Let me give some more detail.

 

Before she went into ghosting we had an evening at friends; no one knew we were dating yet (it was recent and a secret), one guy furiously flirted with her; he had an interest in her for a long time. She basically didn't act like she was taken and basically flirted back. She then spent 20 minutes discussing with the guy on the parking lot while i was chatting with other people. Then we went to her home.

The day after, we spent the day together and all seemed fine.

Then, she went into very very low contact and eventually went silent.

 

My deduction skills and information from another person deduced that she spent at least one night with him during that time.

 

When she came back out of ghosting to justify the breakup, that she already established we were done, and that i accepted it, then i asked straight to her face if she was hiding something from me that she wanted to say here and now for the sake of honesty before we part ways.

 

She immediately answered "are you seriously talking about XXXX?"

 

I confirmed my question, and got the "he's a friend" answer.

 

Of course, should i expect a cheater to disclose her cheating... never gonna happen, but yet i hoped...

 

But then again, i also wanted confirmation that she's just a liar, and somehow it hurts ALOT. That someone you were close to, even after a civil conversation where i basically didn't resist the breakup, was unable to give me that last shot of honesty that would have allowed me to hate her treason, and not her treason AND lies.

 

We have all this technology and all this knowledge and we're still emotionally immature creatures. Good for you that you didn't act out (i might have gone a bit mad) and that you gave her a chance to tell you the truth. It proves you deserve better and while the pain must be killer, remember that you deserve someone who loves you and is honest with you.