Writing Here Instead of Spiraling or Breaking NC

[scooby-philly]

Happy to chat with anyone about my or their problems. But just felt like writing something in a somewhat public setting.

 

---There were times I was impatient with you and the world

---There were times I got angry and said or did things I shouldn't have

---There were times when I hurt you with what I said or did

---There were times I upset you because I didn't understand where you were coming from

---There were times I was needy and was not there for you

---There were times I shut down instead of opening up and communicating

---There were times I just sucked as a boyfriend

 

And yet

---I didn't leave when you threw a hissy fit and packed up and threatened to leave on our first vacation together

---I didn't leave when you threw a hissy fit and did the same thing on our second vacation a year later

---I didn't leave when you did it a few weeks later on my birthday

---And now you broke my heart a fourth time

 

---I was kind, patient, understanding, and supportive 99.9% of the time

---I listened to you rant about stupid, inconsequential things

---I was your rock and your shoulder when things went badly

---I was your only real friend. The only person who knew the real you, the only person who you opened up with.

---I helped you, gave you perspective, calmed you, reassured you

---I shaped my whole schedule around you and your life

---I gave up asking for sexy time on video because you never initiated

---I gave up asking to do specific things because you never seemed interested and/or you never seemed anything

---I never made you feel bad because of your situation, your family, your income, etc.

---I told you every day how much I love you, how beautiful you were, and how awesome you are

 

 

You said you didn't have time for a relationship now. But you're on the same site where we met. So what are you telling those guys? What are you looking for?

 

You left without having the courage to confront me face to face.

 

You left as if 2 years didn't matter to you. As if I hadn't made a huge investment and quasi put my life on hold.

 

I thought I had learned the lesson to live my life and people would come into it who were meant to be. I thought you were part of that and that I was being challenged to be calm, not rush, and demonstrate my ability to stay the course with someone who said they would not give up on me.

 

I realize now you're just immature. You never had a real relationship, your family is dysfunctional at best, toxic at worst, you're uncomfortable with yourself and your wants/needs, you hide things from people, you don't open up, and you never showered me with the love and affection I did to you - at least not after 3 months.

 

It was my fault. I should have left at 7 months. I should have left at a year. I should have left when the signs starting popping up that whatever love you had left in you for me wasn't as strong as your desire to avoid confrontation with your family. I should have realized that for all your "niceness" and gentleness, underneath was hiding a selfish, inexperienced, and malicious person. I guess I feel this bad after a month because I was totally committed to you and I guess partly because I feel ashamed. Ashamed it didn't work out and that I'm here, 38, single again. But, I cannot control you. I cannot control your choices, your emotions, or your love. All I can control is me. ANd I gave you my all, tried my best, and stuck it out (probably way past when I should have).

 

I needed to learn that just because two people like each other, maybe even love each other, both parties need to make a commitment. Both parties need to be mature and serious. And had I been more forceful about my needs earlier, been less then generous with my schedule, it probably would have ended sooner - because as the saying goes - if the shoe was on the other foot - you would not have done the same for me.

 

I don't wish you ill, though a part of me is still very mad/angry and a lot of me is still sad. But I hope your journey is difficult and I know, even if it takes 40 years, it will be - for you have a lot to learn if you really want to attract and keep a good man. You need to work on your self-worth, you need to learn to just live your life. And you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself. I still think you're more beautiful without makeup then the 2lbs you put on every day. And the fact that you could simply walk away with no goodbye, no honesty, no remorse - demonstrates that I am the better person and I deserve better.

[scooby-philly]

Posting again. Despite reading stuff on here every day - broke the NC rule and snooped on her on the dating site where we met. WHy? My heart is almost over her. Almost. Not back to 100% but getting there. It's my mind. I'm an analyzer by nature and it's tough for me to accept how someone could be lovey dovey one day and want to end things and not even do so in person or talk about being friends the next. I guess part of it is me not living my own life. Had I lived my own life and been clearer about things then it would have ended sooner. And I dove into fear of losing her (attachment disorder) not recognizing if she truly loved me she would stay and if she didn't I deserve better. I'm not perfect, but man, other people would probably cringe at what I put up with. And if folks knew what she did to me on several occasions, knew how she ended things, and knew how little her actions matched her words, her "good girl" persona would be ruined and she would be beyond despair. And if I did any of the things she did to me - she would have been gone in a heartbeat.

 

I'm sorry for the times I failed or made mistakes. But I did not do anything "wrong" and I am trying to learn the lessons I can from this and slowly move on. The fact that you just cut it all off without the courage to do it face to face just goes to show you aren't as nice or loving or considerate as you claim to be. But that's fine. It's almost my fault for not leaving when my needs weren't being met and when you proved the first time you weren't mature enough and ready for a life with me.