I [32/M] was used as a rebound by my now-ex [30/F] but I can't stop blaming myself.

[North by Southeast]

Apologies for the long post. Yes, I'm aware it's a long post about a month-long relationship, but there's a reason I'm so torn up about it. Thanks to all who read and reply.

 

I met this great girl a couple months ago - instant chemistry and intense attraction. We decided to be a couple within about a couple weeks of when we first started talking, there was mutual excitement, no one pushed anyone into anything.

 

However our relationship lasted only about a month before she dumped me.

 

When we met she was about a month out of an LTR that apparently had a very bad ending, she was dumped (for the first time in her life according to her...hmm) by a guy who lost his **** at her because he suspected her of cheating - according to her this stemmed from insecurity issues he had. Situation culminated in him kicking her out. Although she wasn't planning on going back to him due to how he treated her and her now living on the other side of the country, she told me she thought she'd found "her person" and was thinking about marrying him before it all ended.

 

Looking back on our relationship, I realized it met some of the classic "rebound relationship" patterns. She was willing to jump into something quickly with me, she talked about her ex a ton (I was supportive), it burned super-hot to begin with but she clearly wasn't over the baggage from her other relationship.

 

However, I'm REALLY struggling with self-blame even though a lot of her baggage had nothing to do with me. Part of me still feels like I screwed things up with her.

 

We had a couple of disagreements - one was one night when we were both drinking and I was worried I'd said something wrong and was visibly very anxious about it. She got annoyed with me for being dramatic - note I was never mad or unpleasant with her, just anxious.

 

The other disagreement was over sex, the relationship started with us being very sexual with each other, but we went on a short trip where her libido suddenly dropped off quite a bit. Again, I wasn't angry or pissy or acting entitled to sex, I was legitimately just trying to see if something was wrong, and it turned into an argument - although she admitted she was being weird about it due to some issues in past relationships with mismatched sex drives and some abuse she suffered some years prior, neither of which I had any idea about.

 

We settled both misunderstandings and didn't talk about them again. However, my mind keeps going back to them even though she swore up and down that it wasn't anything I did and the reasons she were breaking up with me were 1) it being too soon since her last relationship and 2) her mental health, she told me very shortly before we broke up she had major depressive disorder (and possibly bipolar?) and was having a depressive episode and wild mood swings. Wasn't on meds or in therapy at the time.

 

There WERE also multiple times where she was very distant with me with nothing prompting it, no fights or anything like that. She told me that all those times were due to her having a bad day with not being over her ex. One of those times, she expressed SERIOUS doubts about staying together and I was worried I was asking too much of her. She replied with "The things you want are normal relationship things - I just don't know if I can give them to you and I don't want to lead you on."

 

But still I wonder, especially as the conversation where she dumped me stemmed from me being disappointed she was "too busy" to see me. It wasn't because I was so needy that I couldn't wait a couple days to see her. It was the utter apathy in her voice, I could tell she just didn't care anymore (and she lives EXTREMELY close by) - I tried to explain this to her. I guess I'm just concerned I gave off this impression I needed tons of stuff from her when all I wanted was to stick with her through her mental health stuff and her trying to sort through what happened with her ex.

 

Obviously I needed time together, sex, communication - the things you get in a relationship, but my attitude was never "get over your ex right now and give me all of these things constantly." Not to mention she was really sweet with me for most of the relationship, seemed to miss me when I was gone, and initially was not shy about sharing her sexuality with me. Even texted me telling me how much she wanted to have sex two days before the breakup because she was so appreciative about how supportive I was and she missed me so much.

 

She apologized to me multiple times when she got distant with me and for causing arguments and even told me just two days before her depressive episode hit that she was worried she messed something up with us. She was also being super sweet and affectionate and sexual when I comforted her. Two days later it was like a switch just flipped - she became cold, distant, and any questions I had about her mental state were apparently inappropriate and offensive. She seemed angry with me for saying simple things like "I just want to work with you through this," she replied in an annoyed voice with "well that makes me feel like a project."

 

And the fact she got back on online dating just makes it worse. She told me she did it since she's new in town and wants to meet people and isn't in the right place for anything serious - which is fair, but of course the fact she said her libido was gone from depression confused me. Not saying she's going out sleeping with tons of people, but man, it hurts so much to think about.

 

Although I knew she was struggling for a while with her past breakup, the way she just TURNED on me was fairly abrupt and I'm having an incredibly hard time dealing with it and with the self-blame. I'm not a bad looking dude and I have a good job, I've dated around enough, I don't usually get so upset when things this short end, but I REALLY liked this girl. The kind of chemistry, attraction, and life-goal compatibility we had is very hard to find, and although she left the door open to us seeing each other in maybe a less-serious capacity at some point, I don't know if that's going to happen and I'm terrified of not finding a partner like her again or not getting another shot with her.

 

I guess I'm just afraid that me causing or contributing to ANY kind of discord caused her to run away - even if it was due to her baggage and didn't have much to do with me, I still feel like I was stupid for those couple misunderstandings and perhaps unknowingly putting pressure on her in some way when she was clearly worried about being hurt again (eg, did I project insecurity because I was disappointed she didn't want to see me that last week? Did it remind her of her ex in some way?).

 

I'm not at all perfect, but I KNOW I was very supportive and kind to her throughout the relationship and she certainly made her own mistakes too. I still want to be with her, though, and I'm absolutely crushed at how this turned out. I feel like I've lost the girl I've been waiting to meet for a really long time - and yes I know it was a short relationship, but it's more about losing something that seemed like was going to be wonderful. When things just turn that suddenly, it's hard not to blame yourself. She worried a lot about disappointing me, but I don't think I expressed disappointment very much in front of her.

 

Is this all just "stuff that happens in a rebound" (on top of her depression) and I should stop thinking I was the problem? Or did I commit some kind of terrible mistake I'm not realizing? I've also been lied to in the recent past about why a different relationship ended so maybe that's part of why I feel so confused.

 

Should I reach out again after giving her space? I haven't talked to her in about two weeks.

 

TLDR: Pretty sure girl I really liked used me as a rebound but I can't stop thinking our relationship's demise was my fault.

Edited September 23, 2019 by North by Southeast

[Morello]

Yes, it's a pretty classic textbook rebound situation and I don't believe anything you could have done differently would have an impact.

 

Her erratic behaviour probably led you to act a bit insecure too and it's probably leading you to think it was your fault. You really had no fault, except for getting emtionally involved with someone straight out of a relationship. Next time, make that a dealbreaker and you will avoid getting hurt.

 

Also, you may want to check how your self-esteem is going, because you seemed to be ok with walking over eggshells and accomodating a bad situation (dating someone who is still pinning over her ex) that most people with self respect would avoid in the first place.

 

PS: I had a very similar experience. It took a major hit on my self-esteem for a lot of reasons and took awhile to recover. But I did, and it thankfully led to many changes in my life style and overall understanding of how relationships should work. You should never sign up for a 'project' like that. It introduces a power imbalance that will only led to big hurt.

Edited September 24, 2019 by Morello

[assertives]

A relationship with her will be wrought with LOADS of instability, heartaches and anxiety especially if she does indeed have bipolar and is not actively taking measures to control it. Coupled with not being over a long term ex, she's just not ready for any form of serious committed meaningful relationships. Which she has told you as much. There's nothing wrong with you, so stop thinking it's your fault, I don't think there's anything you could have done differently that would have made a difference in the outcome. She's not capable of engaging, nurturing and navigating relationships in a healthy way. She's probably only looking for casual flings.

 

I would say leave this one behind, don't contact her. Considering how it's only been a month, leave when you still can. I've seen many people suffer for DECADES with this type of hot and cold, push and pull behaviour from their SOs especially with uncontrolled bipolar.

Edited September 24, 2019 by assertives

[North by Southeast]

Yes, it's a pretty classic textbook rebound situation and I don't believe anything you could have done differently would have an impact.

 

Her erratic behaviour probably led you to act a bit insecure too and it's probably leading you to think it was your fault. You really had no fault, except for getting emtionally involved with someone straight out of a relationship. Next time, make that a dealbreaker and you will avoid getting hurt.

 

Also, you may want to check how your self-esteem is going, because you seemed to be ok with walking over eggshells and accomodating a bad situation (dating someone who is still pinning over her ex) that most people with self respect would avoid in the first place.

 

PS: I had a very similar experience. It took a major hit on my self-esteem for a lot of reasons and took awhile to recover. But I did, and it thankfully led to many changes in my life style and overall understanding of how relationships should work. You should never sign up for a 'project' like that. It introduces a power imbalance that will only led to big hurt.

 

I really appreciate the feedback here. Thank you.

 

She definitely was hot and cold with me toward the end. She moved in very close to me, the next day we had a great day together but the day after that she was very distant and nearly stormed out after I asked her what was wrong - that's when she said the bit about "normal relationship things" and not wanting to lead me on.

 

As far as the self-esteem bit goes, I think it definitely contributed - however the situation was confusing. I'm not sure how much she was pining over him, but she definitely may have been on the inside. Every time she spoke about him, it was to criticize the person he had turned into.

 

But of course according to her they were very close once. And I've dated other women over the past year that I've found attractive, but I wasn't too upset when those things ended because they weren't right for me. I looked past all of her baggage because it seemed like she'd be such a good fit for me in terms of chemistry, attraction, and our life goals.

 

However I'm going to be a little more careful in the future if I find out someone is newly single. I fell hard very fast, though I didn't really mean to, and she seemed to be on the same page.

 

She WAS very unpleasant to me at the end. Although she kept saying I was great and it wasn't my fault, she was abrasive, cold, and quick to take things I said the wrong way - the opposite of the person I met. I think part of it was the depression, but I really didn't appreciate being treated that way - I know that I did nothing to deserve it. I kept on giving her breaks in my head but really I'm wondering how much she actually deserved them.

[North by Southeast]

A relationship with her will be wrought with LOADS of instability, heartaches and anxiety especially if she does indeed have bipolar and is not actively taking measures to control it. Coupled with not being over a long term ex, she's just not ready for any form of serious committed meaningful relationships. Which she has told you as much. There's nothing wrong with you, so stop thinking it's your fault, I don't think there's anything you could have done differently that would have made a difference in the outcome. She's not capable of engaging, nurturing and navigating relationships in a healthy way. She's probably only looking for casual flings.

 

I would say leave this one behind, don't contact her. Considering how it's only been a month, leave when you still can. I've seen many people suffer for DECADES with this type of hot and cold, push and pull behaviour from their SOs especially with uncontrolled bipolar.

 

Really appreciate the perspective here, thanks.

 

One of the confusing bits was her dating profile went on about how she wanted someone kind (and I'm not anywhere near perfect, but I was very kind to her) and how she wanted a real connection, not just a physical one.

 

We had tons of sex the first couple times we met up, and she was actually concerned that I mostly liked her for the physical bit of it, and I assured her that wasn't the case - I was telling her the truth, I really liked the connection we had mentally and emotionally.

 

Point is she gave off lots of signs that she wanted something more than casual, even though she said she's done casual relationships in the past with no issues. Then of course she freaked out and left, and now I think she IS looking for more casual dating.

 

She seems like a confused person that isn't sure what she wants right now. I get that coming off an LTR that ended messily combined with mental health issues must be very difficult, but she was pretty reckless with me.

 

There was a cruel irony in that her social posts showed that she was clearly hurt over her ex using her as a punching bag for his own emotional issues. Funny how she turned around and did something very similar to me.

Edited September 24, 2019 by North by Southeast

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship was never going to last, OP, no matter how great you were. She is absolutely rebounding.

 

Your mistake was naively assuming the role of "supporter" through her lingering feelings for her ex, and believing you could help her "sort" that out. You can't. You should have been gone the moment she started talking about her ex. He's taking up too much space in her heart and mind and she really shouldn't be dating until she is much more over him.

 

You're blaming yourself because it gives you the (false) impression that you have some control in this situation, and thus if you could just fix X issue, she might come back. But that's not how it works in these situations. She isn't over her ex, and there is nothing you could have done about that.

 

Was she being reckless with you? To an extent, yes. But you need to take some accountability here too. You stuck around despite some pretty big red flags; it is your job to protect yourself, which will involve better identifying the warning signs that someone is not in the right place to date you, regardless of what pretty words they might say. Watch their actions. Don't overlook the Danger! signs. I understand why you are hurt, don't get me wrong, but you need to do a better job pacing yourself and getting to really know someone before committing to them.

[North by Southeast]

This relationship was never going to last, OP, no matter how great you were. She is absolutely rebounding.

 

Your mistake was naively assuming the role of "supporter" through her lingering feelings for her ex, and believing you could help her "sort" that out. You can't. You should have been gone the moment she started talking about her ex. He's taking up too much space in her heart and mind and she really shouldn't be dating until she is much more over him.

 

You're blaming yourself because it gives you the (false) impression that you have some control in this situation, and thus if you could just fix X issue, she might come back. But that's not how it works in these situations. She isn't over her ex, and there is nothing you could have done about that.

 

Was she being reckless with you? To an extent, yes. But you need to take some accountability here too. You stuck around despite some pretty big red flags; it is your job to protect yourself, which will involve better identifying the warning signs that someone is not in the right place to date you, regardless of what pretty words they might say. Watch their actions. Don't overlook the Danger! signs. I understand why you are hurt, don't get me wrong, but you need to do a better job pacing yourself and getting to really know someone before committing to them.

 

These are all good points, thanks. I'm definitely going to think harder on this in the future.

 

A big issue for me is that I don't really understand the psychology of rebounds.

 

Although I'm 32, I've never been used as someone's rebound before (that I know of) and I've never done it to anyone, either. I guess I don't just get running away from someone over an ex you're never going to go back to.

[Maddie82]

Should I reach out again after giving her space? I haven't talked to her in about two weeks.

 

No, definitely do NOT reach out to her. You were 100% just a rebound. She used you as a distraction from her pain of being dumped by the guy she wanted to marry.

No, you didn't do anything wrong at all. You were good to her but her head and heart was never with you.

No, it wasn't your fault.

 

These things happen. You learn from it and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

A big issue for me is that I don't really understand the psychology of rebounds.

 

Although I'm 32, I've never been used as someone's rebound before (that I know of) and I've never done it to anyone, either. I guess I don't just get running away from someone over an ex you're never going to go back to.

 

It's because they are looking for someone to fill the void, to minimize the pain left by their break-up. They're lonely and sad, and mistakenly think a new person will be just the ticket.

 

Until they realize it's not. They are not ready to open up and let someone else in. So, they bail. It doesn't have anything to do with the likelihood of returning to the ex; it is about their inability to maintain a new relationship beyond anything light and casual. They miss their ex too much too feel comfortable with someone new. The new person might be lovely, but it doesn't matter when they're not yet over the ex.

[schlumpy]

Rebound relationship? All the classic signs but something more is a foot.

 

She hasn't told you the truth about her past and that would have doomed you eventually even if she had got past the rebound.

 

She blinded you with sex and failed to give you a true picture of who you were with.

[North by Southeast]

It's because they are looking for someone to fill the void, to minimize the pain left by their break-up. They're lonely and sad, and mistakenly think a new person will be just the ticket.

 

Until they realize it's not. They are not ready to open up and let someone else in. So, they bail. It doesn't have anything to do with the likelihood of returning to the ex; it is about their inability to maintain a new relationship beyond anything light and casual. They miss their ex too much too feel comfortable with someone new. The new person might be lovely, but it doesn't matter when they're not yet over the ex.

 

I would have been fine with something casual but she made it seem like she wanted something more serious:

 

- Dating profile mentioned "a real connection, not just a physical one"

- When I asked her to be a couple she was enthusiastic and happy about it

- Was concerned that I was blinded by the physical part of it

- Made plans for trips in the future with me

- Said how supportive I was being meant the world to her

- When the cracks started to show, she said she still had real feelings for me and didn't at all want to stop seeing me

 

I really wish she had just told me straight out that she wanted something more casual. She had chances to. I think maybe she just didn't realize at the time what she was getting into.

 

While she did say "I wasn't SPECIFICALLY looking to jump into anything serious", she did anyway and it really didn't seem like she was looking for a "let's just have sex without much emotional investment" kind of situation either.

 

Of course going BACK to casual now would be difficult. But I do really miss her. I wish we could have slowed down instead of just ending things completely.

 

I guess I'm wondering if she would have stuck around if I would have kept her more at a distance...but she did also pursue me some, too. I don't know...

Edited September 24, 2019 by North by Southeast

[ExpatInItaly]

She probably would not have stuck around anyway, no.

 

Most rebounders don’t even realize they’re not ready for something serious until things actually start to head that way.

 

That’s why it’s up to you to stay away from the recently-dumped and those who are openly still struggling to process a break-up. Your mistake was not stepping away when you saw those glaring warning signs.

[North by Southeast]

She probably would not have stuck around anyway, no.

 

Most rebounders don’t even realize they’re not ready for something serious until things actually start to head that way.

 

That’s why it’s up to you to stay away from the recently-dumped and those who are openly still struggling to process a break-up. Your mistake was not stepping away when you saw those glaring warning signs.

 

This is a good point.

 

I don't think she did this stuff maliciously or on purpose. And I guess things would have headed in a more "serious" direction regardless at some point, as much as she seemed to like me...then she would have bailed. The impression I got from her toward the end was that working through her breakup baggage plus her mental health issues wasn't going to be a short process.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's disappointing, but it's better that it came to end so soon rather than a few months from now when you were even more invested.

 

The upside of all of this? In the future, you will be better-equipped to filter out women like this.

[North by Southeast]

Rebound relationship? All the classic signs but something more is a foot.

 

She hasn't told you the truth about her past and that would have doomed you eventually even if she had got past the rebound.

 

She blinded you with sex and failed to give you a true picture of who you were with.

 

Not at all saying you're wrong, but in what way do you think she wasn't truthful with me about her past?

[schlumpy]

From what I gathered from your post she tried to focus you on the moment so that you wouldn't look at anything but surface details.

 

The sex was great. Why rock the boat?

 

How many brothers and sisters does she have? Where did she go school and did she graduate? Where was she born? Is her mom and dad alive or deceased? Did she talk about her hopes for the future? What does she like on a hamburger? What's her favorite color? Does she take sugar in her coffee?

 

What I listed are details that are not very deep below the surface.

 

She carefully controlled the information flow and that means there are things you were not meant to find out about.

 

In my humble opinion.