For some of us is it our destiny to be alone and single?

[Redguitar35]

I’ve just been reflecting on the fact that nothing I ever did to find a long term relationship worked. When I was still going out (it’s been a couple years because I just did online dating) everyone I met was already in a relationship. Not that I was asking out everyone, it would just slip out in the course of conversation.

 

And when I did online dating I had a few flings, one night stands, even a couple of threesomes. But no relationships.

 

I feel like the universe has been telling me that I’m just not cut out for relationships or it’s just not in the cards for me and it’s my destiny to be single forever and I’ve just been fighting the inevitable.

[lurker74]

I sometimes feel this way about myself...that I will have a string of brief relationships, sometimes weeks, sometimes maybe months...maybe even a year or two...but that they will eventually expire.

 

Then I remember the most important life lesson I've ever learned. That nothing in this life ever stays the same. When things are going poorly, they will get better, so I have to remember to hold on. When things are going well, they will get worse, so I have to remember to enjoy the good times. And when I think I will be alone forever, I may eventually meet the one.

 

So my advice...hold on and let life change before your eyes.

[Gaeta]

You are responsible for shaping your life, no one else. If you want a relationship then do what it takes to get one. I don't believe in a destiny in which you have no saying. I lost everything twice and rebuilt myself, I was obese and lost all the weight, I was single for years then found an amazing man. I made it happen...no one else, no one helped, no one did it for me, destiny had nothing to do with it. I sweat every bit of it and got it done.

[alphamale]

dude i'm single by choice...trust me, relationships are way overrated

[LuckyM]

I feel the same way as the OP, but you can't generalize to say that relationships are overrated. That's sour grapes. Some are and some are not.

 

Destiny? Who knows, you mean fate?. Your choices develop from the sort of person that you have become, from your own free choices and how you were raised, your looks, where you live and circumstances we know nothing about. It is complicated, and every person is unique in that way, there are as many answers as their are lonely souls.

 

This claim is illogical: If I was meant to find love, I would have found it.

I did not find love.

Thus, I was not meant to find love.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Destiny? I don't know. A purpose, maybe. A few people I know who never married, or married very late (late forties) did such great things in the world for other people that they otherwise would not have been able to do if they were partnered up.

[an0nym0us123]

I always believed I would die alone, and despite having one very serious relationship which I thought would go the distance, I still believe I will end up alone.

 

Good looking women hit on me in real life through my 20's. Im averaging 7 matches on tinder a day right now but getting anything going with anyone seems almost impossible so I suspect Im right in my thinking. I hope you have better luck OP

[Foxhall]

Yes I wonder why have you not liked any of your previous flings enough to marry any of them,

 

I guess at some point you could "settle for someone", although I dont agree with that approach generally

 

if its not happening perhaps cast your net wider,dating different nationalities and so on, you might find the special one,

 

its not our destiny to remain single unless you make the decisive decision to remain single,

 

what we feel today can be much different to what we feel in 6 months time,

 

if you keep looking but perhaps a little more creatively, you should find what your looking for.

[The Outlaw]

I agree with alpha. But sometimes it's just better to be alone than in the wrong relationship and miserable. Relationships aren't everything and while they're great, you don't necessarily need one to be happy. That's a choice YOU make. I'm content flying solo.

[Twizzlestick]

There’s no such thing as fate. Nothing is predetermined. It goes against science and and if it’s your thing - most religions ( free will etc). So apart from the saccharine, empty fatalistic meme’s my ex loves posting on social media there’s not a lot supporting it as a concept.

 

Feel empowered from that. You’re not being held down and everything can change. Honestly, it can

[elaine567]

That's a choice YOU make.

But that is the issue. Being alone is not the choice he is making, he feels it is the choice that is being made for him.

Hence the unhappiness.

 

BUT -

And when I did online dating I had a few flings, one night stands, even a couple of threesomes.

OK but these are obviously NOT relationship type women.

You won't find a diamond scrabbling about in a coal mine...

[ZA Dater]

I think it depends on a multitude of factors but its also how you approach it. I have chased a relationship for the majority of my adult life, been on make overs, changed abc and generally tried but honestly I am not closer now than I was 15 years ago.

 

The only thing you can do is accept that this is something you actually don't have much control over, sure make yourself marketable and hope for the best.

 

Whether the end result is worth the chase I don't know....little evidence I have seen around me suggests it is.

[mr_ybor]

dude i'm single by choice...trust me, relationships are way overrated

 

I disagree wholeheartedly. I don't regret a single one of them. I maybe/probably/certainly stayed in a few a little too long, but that aside, I got into them in the first place for all the right reasons. I had a choice from the beginning, and I was there because it was a good situation.

 

If your relationships were bad throughout, that's probably on you, your picker, and your inability to cut loose when things weren't working anymore. Wise up.

[SumGuy]

Closer you can get to this the better you will be in all aspects of life, IMHO

 

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

 

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

 

IF by Rudyard Kipling

[chillii]

l don't think it's so much a destiny thing . My observation is most people either just get lucky orrrrr, they just know how to go get what they want when it's time.

The later just know how to set themselves up into positions of finding it recognizing it when it's in front of them and just grabbing it. Or just putting themselves into the right places , seen it many times, just hunting it down somehow.

Where as the ones that struggle or don't find it just don't have those senses and instincts.

l know 3 or 4 people 50s now single mostly 30yrs or more and they all have two things in common been seeing it in them for years.

The first thing is they all have personality things and ways that l could see with two even back when we were all in our teens , would just never work as a couple. And none of them ever have.

They just don't have those instincts either of just knowing how to go and make it happen , or just the luck of right place right time. l dunno what you'd call it tbh l'm just trying to describe something that is a whole combo of things really.

But l know what it is and you can see it in a lot of the struggling threads too. l could tell you which ones will find what they want.

 

The personality thing is impossible to explain but again it's easy to see. l've known 3 of the 4 all these years just couldn't even comprehend how things in real relationships are or between two people and what happens and they just have these weird uncouple like personalities, no comprehension . They turn up at your place your with your woman and they just don't get it. It's kinda like say people that've never had kids never get what families are and what they go through or their life , they think they do observing from dropping in or being around others and stuff but really they couldn't even imagine.

 

l don;t think it is written in stone though, there's always the chance no matter what they still might just get lucky stumble over the right person and of it goes.

Saw this with a friend of my sisters, literally a walking man repellent couldn't stand this woman and never knew another guy that could either.

She was 4o and still had never had anything except a few flings her whole life.

Buttt, she got lucky and just stumbled across this guy that gelled with her ways and personality they married kids been together 15yrs and own a beautiful horse property, they sound really happy.

Edited September 26, 2019 by chillii

[hotpotato]

I feel as though it's my destiny to be single. I've barely dated and been dumped everytime. Now I've become very comfortable in being single.

 

I was different from the start. I barely dated in high school or college. When I did date during in those years it wasn't a classmate. I always had to go out and get a boyfriend.

 

I do have my quirks. Sometimes I become obsessed with something which is annoying to the other person. I'm not girly, bubbly, nor talkative. Being single has been freeing. I can be myself.

 

Maybe you'll have better luck, OP.

[chillii]

Personally l think a lot could change what they might think is their destiny anyway with some self awareness .

Ya gotta be able to see yourself in love too , not only other people.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm a scientist but I do think it's destiny.

 

 

Some people go to take out their trash and find their next husband. Most had never had to expand even 2% of the effort some people on this site do. As for looks/personality I can't say that there is a pattern. Through my job, I meet a lot of "On the spectrum" folks who are all married with children. I also know a lot of bat**** insane people who are never single. There is no evidence that mentally ill have lower rate of marriage. So if not destiny then what?

 

 

Surely by trying it shouldn't have to be exhausting yourself with 200 online dates with no results.

 

 

I do agree that you have a lot of power to change your life on education/career front. But there is so much that hinges on being in the right place in the right time when it comes to meeting the right person. Even then, you only really hold 50% of the power. So if destiny is a factor in one area of life, this is it. Sort of like people who live healthy lives and get cancer and die young. Life is not fair, that's a well known fact. Its healthier to admit this then to comfort yourself with thoughts that everything is within your power.

[elaine567]

Through my job, I meet a lot of "On the spectrum" folks who are all married with children. I also know a lot of bat**** insane people who are never single. There is no evidence that mentally ill have lower rate of marriage. So if not destiny then what?

 

The premise that one needs to be mentally healthy or neurotypical to procure or maintain a romantic relationship is false.

[chillii]

For sure , all kinds of crazy out there in relationships.

And yeah l agree lucks big too and often trying too hard messes with luck and the senses, instead it forces.

This stuff always reminds me of business, works the same. Started my first business 23 from ground up , by 29 l was very comfortable , l spotted something went for it, knew there was money there.

 

But l really worked and in 30yrs since hard times , easier , good choices bad but over all not too shabby. But a few things l've learned is that l'm not so lucky as such. l do have to work for it, but not too hard or that backfires, just does. And things don't go my way in business easily, l have to smell them hunt them down and jump at the right time.

Where as l've had friends in business can't put a foot wrong, not only can they smell a deal 10kl away they just think it and it all falls into shape , it's like they can not put a foot wrong they literally just attract money,and everything just comes to them somehow. Known others try their ass off, too hard, try to be perfect, struggle non stop, work like dogs.

For me l know l don't have the luck of the others but l do know l have the eye and with a bit of work l can usually make it happen.

Sorta what l was saying about the awareness thing.Know your areas and use them.

Edited September 28, 2019 by chillii

[mr_ybor]

Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do is put an inordinate amount of time into it. Getting out there is really all you can do. Other people are out there looking, but boy do they suck at actually connecting. Shortcuts like dating apps sound good in theory, but it's mostly just screaming into the void.

[mr_ybor]

For the vast majority of us, being alone and single is a choice. People aren't willing to do what it takes to find someone, so they just blame destiny.

 

 

Why aren't you willing to do what it takes to find someone?

[littleblackheart]

Not destiny - either deliberate, conscious choice, different priorities or residual self-esteem related 'baggage' (too much self-esteem = no one is good enough for me / or too little of it = I'm not good enough for anyone).

 

Personally, being single is a full on choice. I don't want to deal with the inevitable little day-to-day dramas that come with being in a relationship, I feel like I have a good support system, and regular sex is not enough of an incentive to give up my peace.

 

I get that lots of people are happily coupled up and I'm happy for them. I also wish society in general would accept that us singles can be happy and fulfilled too.

[Mysterio]

I have a friend that has a GF and his sister/brother don't have any major functional relationship with him and I see him as alone more than having it made.

 

Loneliness to me is more a state of mind. If I never have a major GF for the rest of my life. I won't think I am missing out. Thats the state of mind that I heading towards now. I think that a lot of us put women into this higher state that does not work for us.

 

A special unique woman can find me and charm me into being in a LTR with her. I don't need or feel I have to date a bunch of women to date in the meantime.

[Mysterio]

I think the search is futile. There is no major incentive for Men to always be on the hunt for women. I have had it better when it happens, when the woman is into me and trying to get me into her romantically.

 

I just don't feel like I am missing out. I see lots of women in my life and I don't know if they were into me. If I would go for it. I have a female co-worker that I think is physically attractive. She broke up with her Daughters father. They are fighting. She has a Boyfriend and I see him as not having it made, because she is fighting with her Ex and talking about it on Facebook. I can't imagine him having a great time with all of that going on. The guy is only dating her is because he was thirsty. He is not looking at her as a whole.

 

I hope they can make it. Thats why Romantically mating is hard for me. I think way to much and look at the angles of relationships.

 

My basic thing is a woman that looks great and making an effort towards me. She is physically affectionate and sweet towards me. Single and Childless. In the end thats what I think will work for me. I can't imagine having a great relationship with a woman that has 4 kids with two different fathers like my buddy BD has with his ex. No way is that happening for me.