TheFinalWord Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 It wasn't a psychoanalysis in the least, merely a suggestion... one directed at anyone in general in any case. Nothing personal. You do you, mang. Fair enough. I apologize if I misinterpreted. Regarding social circle, I didn't post links to various articles and what not. But I was basing this not just off my personal experience, but the experiences of many Americans. Average American Hasn't Made A New Friend in Five Years, Study Finds I've always thought the best way to meet someone was through friends and social circle. But, as this chart shows, while meeting through friends used to be the most common way to meet someone, that method took a nose dive right around the time social media and dating apps hit the scene: This Graph Showing How Couples Meet Is A Reflection Of How Wild The Modern Dating World Is She has to do things for that man to produce a ring and take it to the next stage. None of this nonsense of Men just giving to women and the women just soaking it all up for nothing. Fully agree. It has to make sense, economically. Personally, until marriage laws change, I would opt for a private wedding that provides the public declaration of commitment and romance, but without the requirement to enter into a financial contract with the state. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mr_ybor Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) Regarding social circle, I didn't post links to various articles and what not. But I was basing this not just off my personal experience, but the experiences of many Americans. Average American Hasn't Made A New Friend in Five Years, Study Finds I dunno. Personally, I haven't had much trouble making new friends and I just moved to a new state in the last year-and-a-half. It's become easier in recent years, if anything... and I don't even have any social media save for LinkedIn for professional reasons (if someone's looking me up and whatnot). I had a good bit of that stuff five-years or so back, Facebook and whatnot (was an early adopter actually), but found it useless in general in recent years, and quit it all. I'll tell you what though, it's exclusively been Millennials that I've connected with. A lot to aging people looooooooove to bag on them, and how their generation has eroded conventional socializing, but the Gen X'ers (I'm at the tail end of that generation) haven't been any part of new experiences for me. In my previous locations, I'd always have at least few friends a good bit my senior as part of my life (I've always had friends all over the age spectrum), but in recent years, it's that exact cross section that's turned up absent being out there trying to find new people. IME, if social media is making anyone more lame, it's the Gen X'ers and the Boomers, not Millennials. Fair enough. I apologize if I misinterpreted. I've always thought the best way to meet someone was through friends and social circle. But, as this chart shows, while meeting through friends used to be the most common way to meet someone, that method took a nose dive right around the time social media and dating apps hit the scene: This Graph Showing How Couples Meet Is A Reflection Of How Wild The Modern Dating World Is Interesting as well, but that 'met online' part of the graph has soooooooooo not been my experience (flip that over!). Admittedly, I have historically been utterly & absolutely inept at figuring out the dating app world, no matter how long I've been at it (and only gotten worse at it somehow), but then again, I never met anyone "through friends", either. I've met girls through the scene, which friends and acquaintances were part of... but that's more akin to meeting at a bar (also an uptick on that graph), just the right bars or whatever that people in that respective scene might hang out at. Maybe I'll figure out the online thing one of these days. Edited October 10, 2019 by mr_ybor Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 5) Your social circle. If I could redo one thing in life, I would have went the traditional college route and actively sought a spouse. There is no other time in life where you will have access to a group of adults that are the same age, on the same life trajectory, and have zero to no baggage. Otherwise, as you get older, your social circles shrink. You're mostly relegated to online and the probability of finding someone with OLD is slim. It can happen, but it's rare. That and you're dealing with adults that have a lot of baggage. Usually divorces and kids. And second marriage divorce rates are even higher than first time divorce rates. Just creates more hurdles to overcome. Although I AM an example of a university marriage (grad school technically, but still) I actually think there's more to it than online, esp. IF you live near a major urban area. For example, I sometimes go to meetups and there seem to be interested single women. Some will flirt, etc even though I have my wedding ring on. Clearly they are looking. I don't go to bars or churches regularly, but I suspect it would be similar there. So, I do think there's hope for non-online approaches IF other things are good (social fluency etc). I have no intention of divorcing, but if I did I suspect I'd be able to date/pair up reasonably quickly via things like this, based on these experiences. I will admit that I'm not particularly fussy and don't mind "baggage" (such as children/exes) that some men might not accept. Link to post Share on other sites
mr_ybor Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I sometimes go to meetups and there seem to be interested single women. What Meetups are those? All the ones I've ever gone to have been utter trash so far as meeting single girls go. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 If you’re having trouble dating and finding someone to the degree expressed throughout this thread I don’t believe simple answers can help, and what more can one expect to get in a forum? You’d also be lucky in life to have a close friend who has enough insight and objectivity to coach and guide you. Such a coach or a match maker seems the way to go if possible. That seems fair. I know for me it isnt simple. Even people who know me in real life only give simple answers. Honestly, I think I'm far gone at this point. Most people can't relate to being dumped almost everytime. People say keep trying. For what? If I want to be miserable, I can do something else. I've never met a man who was ride or die like me. I've dealt with so much crap, but then they get up and leave for another woman. I think at this point I'd need a coach and a therapist for some cbt. Shame, I've become more conventionally attractive, but the desire to date isn't there. I get now the kind of attention I needed as a teen or young adult. Frankly, I looked like I hadn't gone through puberty. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 What Meetups are those? All the ones I've ever gone to have been utter trash so far as meeting single girls go. Yeah I would be interested what those meet ups were for as I haven’t done meet up but am planning to do a trawl through the groups in my area, primarily to expand my social circle and also for dating if the opportunity arises...however I have heard that the actual singles Meet ups and even some of the less “specialised” groups that don’t require a specific skill or interest so just anyone can rock up (ie group hikes) end up a proper sausage fest where a load of horny guys turn up with the express intent of hitting on the women making it a poor experience for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 My insight on meetups .... Went on one this past weekend - first one in a year. Keep in mind this one is specifically a 60+ hike. Same old, same old. Eleven women, two guys counting me. No women who could keep up with me (I paced myself to the group and 'swept'). None attractive. Plenty of friendly banter but no flirting in either direction. I've been doing meetups for six years. It will be a (pleasant) surprise if any romantic potential materializes. Then again, it could just be the age of the people in the group. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 No women who could keep up with me Surely that was not the point of the meet-up. Does she actually NEED to be that physically fit? Is it not more important to find a companion rather than an athlete? Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 At the end of the day a lot of dating we don't have control over, we cant control how we look to a large degree and that's the fundamental start to dating. We can control our manner, our general approach, the way we interact to some degree. I for one don't believe in fairy tales of people getting married, everyone having a partner because logically this doesn't really happen to everyone. Honestly my own experience suggests if you look for very generic qualities it might be easier to date but you then need to be generic yourself. Do generic things, sort of just be like everyone else. If you cant meet people socially you aren't going to be able to date anyone, I realised this one recently which in some respects just wiped out a lot of disappointment and resentment I had toward dating because I don't meet people so getting a date wouldn't be possible. I don't look good enough so cant attract anyone on Tinder or any other app. Being unsuccessful at dating is more manageable if one knows why, there is a certain sense of "ok this is why' and then you either change it or you accept it. Part of me wonders if its not simply better to be happy alone than unhappy chasing dates. Maybe its better to be socially anonymous. Link to post Share on other sites
Envy123 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Part of me wonders if its not simply better to be happy alone than unhappy chasing dates. Maybe its better to be socially anonymous. Romance only ever happened when I was happy being single. Pretty much like banks give you a loan when you least need it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 ^^^ Perhaps when you are "seeking" you are giving off the too interested right off the bat vibe? IMO this scares women off. It's a fairly subtle difference between the casual glances of a guy who's available but not mentally focused on "looking for women" and one who is. Slightly longer eye contact and/or looking at the woman, slight tension in the cheekbones, turning a bit more towards her as if in preparation to say something but then not engaging. It's subtle but it's there. Women tend to be sensitive to body language and this sort of thing and so pick up on it. Perhaps try to get good at "pretending" you're not looking even if you are? Shorter glances, a more "just going about your business" attitude projected. Then they feel less nervous. Overall I've found it's best to wait for a signal of some kind (such as a smile) before showing anything more than the barest hint of interest other than general openness, friendliness and positive mood. Link to post Share on other sites
Londy Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 At the end of the day a lot of dating we don't have control over, we cant control how we look to a large degree and that's the fundamental start to dating. If that were true, ugly guys would never get dates. They do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 If that were true, ugly guys would never get dates. They do. Are they dating people they want to date or simply settling for whoever will date them. To me there is a vast difference and personally if I cant date the sort of person I want to date then I'd rather not bother and not settle for someone just on the basis that well they show interest in me. Right about now someone will be alone to tell me "oh but its personality that matters and there are lots of ugly guys with pretty ladies" and yes the earth is flat too. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 .... Right about now someone will be alone to tell me "oh but its personality that matters and there are lots of ugly guys with pretty ladies" and yes the earth is flat too. lol. Who said “lots”? Exaggeration doesn’t prove anything. Charisma goes a long, long way. Though will say what a guy may consider ugly women might consider rugged or a face having character. Now the opposite of charisma, kind of like a cranial rectal inversion or a trollish personality, can undo a whole bunch of good looks and money. Link to post Share on other sites
Envy123 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 ^^^ Perhaps when you are "seeking" you are giving off the too interested right off the bat vibe? IMO this scares women off. Yes, this has scared off several women, including some in my recent workplace. Acting neutral was more welcomed. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Of course neutral is welcomed as that woman is essentially a stranger. Excessive interest is thus perceived as immediately disingenuous. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 How should it be for all of us that are single. Should I be dating up a storm. Sleeping with a lot of women between the ages of 27 to 57 which is sort of my age range. I think for a lot of us. Showing interest and not showing interest gets used against us. Why can't everything be chill. If we single guys ask out a woman. Its not like we are harping to have sex with them that night. I don't think I would entertain that until at least month 2 of steady seeing each other. Also, I would not try to ask out a woman that I have no repore with. I am going to gym and to see a band tonight. Unless a woman is talking up a storm to me tonight and she drops that she does not have a BF/Husband. She complements me somehow. That is the only way I am going to ask for her number and set something up. No way would I go home with a strange woman that I don't know. I think that for some of us. We have to be good at reading social cues and let love come our way. I have plenty of thing to do in the mean time. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Mysterious You might be putting to much work on her. If you get into a fun back and forth conversation that is THE signal (there’s likely body language to) Ask her out. If at a band would be good if you had another in mind like...hey next week x is playing at y, lets go together...or something like that. Just a suggestion Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts