For some of us is it our destiny to be alone and single?

[c1nderella]

I feel the same. Idk I just feel like I’m doomed when it comes to long term relationships or any romantic relationship for that matter. Ive been dating my current boyfriend for a little over 9 months now which isnt very long but my previous “relationships” never made it past 3-4 months the most lol

 

My longest relationship of 5 years which was my high school sweetheart ..left me very drained after all the cheating and mental abuse. After that, I never felt 100% secure and still with my bf don’t feel secure in the relationship. I constantly feel that he’s going to cheat or just disappear out of my life without any explanation. I know I have abandonment and attachment issues which come play and it’s very exhausting to the point I feel safer and less stressed when I’m single. I fall way too hard and get attached quickly.

 

So yeah I think I’m going to die single with no kids lol

[some_username1]

The premise that one needs to be mentally healthy or neurotypical to procure or maintain a romantic relationship is false.

 

In a literal sense yes, but the point of that advice is more that being mentally healthy is a good place to be in for you. It will never detract from your life only enhance it. Further, being mentally healthy should be your first concern and a relationship secondary. Too many of the people who struggle seem to put a relationship as the number one goal in their life no matter how dysfunctional their habits and behaviours and whilst they might be successful in achieving a relationship it will be unsustainable because their (or their partners) dysfunction will inevitable catch up.

[ZA Dater]

Too many of the people who struggle seem to put a relationship as the number one goal in their life no matter how dysfunctional their habits and behaviours and whilst they might be successful in achieving a relationship it will be unsustainable because their (or their partners) dysfunction will inevitable catch up.

 

Maybe true to an extent. Which basically leaves those people in the land of no opportunity.

 

Fundamentally I think there is a disconnect that occurs at some point when people experience rejection after rejection and so a cycle starts, I believe everyone mostly starts the dating game as fairly equal but how much success you get in your teens probably lays the ground work for how much you might experience later because you gain positive affirmation, whereas people are rejected young get none of that positivity, instead they are stuck in the negative void.

 

Unfortunately we as people are mostly extremely intolerant of difference, intolerant of individuality because familiarity is comforting whereas someone who thinks differently is an unknown.

 

The stone cold reality is I can be the best I can and still not be good enough for what I want which then begs the question, why play the game at all?

 

Maybe its all connection? Maybe its all physical attraction? Maybe its all material? Whatever it is some of us probably wont ever know what works because the more I try the less I understand.

 

People say "adjust your standards", well I like pasta so I am not going to eat Asian food, why should I do the same with dating?

 

In my view the whole thing is a competition, biggest wallet win, best looks win, best personality, best whatever you need to in the eyes of someone else have the best of something. All you can do is try find that person but while you try find them, try become good at something that makes you just a bit better than your competition.

 

Maybe the best fulfilment for people who continually get rejected is to simply be a good person. Be better than that player at a bar, be better than that crass guy describing who he bedded this week and be better than the emperor boasting about things has but doesn't have.

 

Find out what impresses you in life, work out if you think you can accomplish it and try, I'd rather fail at that than succeed at something that doesn't impress or excite me.

Edited October 4, 2019 by ZA Dater

[chillii]

Nothing wrong with different , different's good, it's a bonus , it stands out in a heard.

l'm very different , so what, l go for different, all is well.

But different back them self, believe in whom they are, then stand back and just watch people notice.

Ride it all the way to the bank and leave the competing up to the sheeple .

 

l know that'll fall on deaf ears as l've said it a few times buttttt, anyway.

[chillii]

Although , you say you've got nothing to draw on because you haven't had any luck so l suppose you've never learnt how to use being different.

Although , most of it is about observation and awareness.

[elaine567]

...Too many of the people who struggle seem to put a relationship as the number one goal in their life no matter how dysfunctional their habits and behaviours and whilst they might be successful in achieving a relationship it will be unsustainable because their (or their partners) dysfunction will inevitable catch up.

For some the drive is to be seen as "normal", to be accepted, to be loved... Achieving that through the acquisition of a partner can be an easy fix, easier than trying to unravel or repair the reasons why they are so dysfunctional anyway...

[ZA Dater]

Although , you say you've got nothing to draw on because you haven't had any luck so l suppose you've never learnt how to use being different.

Although , most of it is about observation and awareness.

 

Well I think beyond a certain age inexperienced does count against a person, much like you wouldn't employ a 33yo with no experience you wouldn't date one either if you can have someone who does have relationship experience.

 

Its the cold hard reality of the situation I think. A lady friend of mine openly told me this and she also said most ladies can tell a guy has been rejected over and over, they wont go for that guy either.

 

So there is being different good and being different bad and mostly I think guys who resign themselves to being alone are the latter to most ladies, they want warmth which most of those guys cant give them, they want "good sex" which an inexperienced guy cannot give them, they want a social circle which mostly that guy cant give them either so when the plusses and minuses are added up a guy like that has little going for him when he is competing with guys who can provide all those things.

 

I do think and in hindsight this was definitely true of me, if you cant get a girlfriend in high school you will struggle later on because if nothing else you get some sort of experience and sure this isn't everything, if the years add up then you find yourself in a niche market with very little demand then you need to try get yourself out of that market but the very thing you need is the thing you cannot find: a person to give you experience.

 

So no whilst there is some destiny involved I think its a combination of decisions and circumstance which conspire to leave people alone and never finding mutual attraction, which at the end of the day is what everyone wants: mutual attraction.

 

If you resign yourself to a loss then its about playing that loss situation in my opinion, somehow making the best of it, I go have lunch at a trend health restaurant, full of very attractive ladies, none talk to me and I don't talk to them but at least I know there are people I do find physically attractive even if I wont ever be able to date any of them.

[chillii]

Yeah , l mean l see where your coming from and it's neg effect understandably.

But l don't know tbh. l would say l've def' known some people though l'd think, would still be happy to give him a chance l know l would it being vise verse .

 

l'd think if you were to find somebody where your both just into each other , if it's any consolation l couldn't see that stopping her.

l def wouldn't lose all hope for a long while just yet.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah , l mean l see where your coming from and it's neg effect understandably.

But l don't know tbh. l would say l've def' known some people though l'd think, would still be happy to give him a chance l know l would it being vise verse .

 

l'd think if you were to find somebody where your both just into each other , if it's any consolation l couldn't see that stopping her.

l def wouldn't lose all hope for a long while just yet.

 

I think generally speaking people who end up alone and single are just people who generally don't click with others. Chances are rare, lets be honest why would a lady give a constantly rejected guy a chance unless she herself had a very limited pool to shop from?

 

Life is so short to really get bogged down with things we cant really change on our own, dating really does take two to tango, one can be great but unless you find that meeting of minds its very difficult.

Edited October 4, 2019 by ZA Dater

[SmartDude]

The thought of spending my life with only one person...sounds horrific. There are so many great women in the world. I think that perhaps in the future, strict monogamous relationships will be a thing of the past. Hysterical bonding is great at first but gets old.

[Envy123]

I've had the interest from a few good women. But I decided to remain single because I never felt anything for them, beyond friendship.

 

Better to be single than be in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to.

[mr_ybor]

The thought of spending my life with only one person...sounds horrific. There are so many great women in the world. I think that perhaps in the future, strict monogamous relationships will be a thing of the past. Hysterical bonding is great at first but gets old.

 

I've personally found it neigh impossible to have sex on the regular with this mindset. I think it works if you're a good combination of really conventionally good looking + charming + extraverted, which I have marginal scores in all three of those categories at best. I'm a somewhat decent looking 42 year old metalhead hipster with super intermittent charm that I have no control over, and an ambivert that tips more introvert by the year. In other words, most women think I'm repulsive trash.

 

Even then, if you're rolling like that you (probably should) be hitting it up with condoms... which I abhor. Then there's all the time and money spent out trying meet those women to begin with. I hate doing so to even find a girlfriend.

 

Give me a solid LTR any day of the week!

Edited October 5, 2019 by mr_ybor

[Mysterio]

I can't imagine going from woman to woman for the rest of my life. That just seems tiered. Too much work. I would rather have one great woman that loves me and I love her and we work on our relationship.

[Mysterio]

No woman is going to mess with my self worth. I am having a great life. I get to see a lot of bands. I get complmented on my weight loss. I have great family and friends. If she wants to join in the fun and she treats me well and I do the same for her. All is well.

[LuckyM]

I have known guys who had nothing going for them: no job, no skills, no money, no ambition, no good looks either and still married at a young age.

One was borderline gay.

 

Then others have everything it seems, and find no one steady. Good looks, money, decent job, ambition, okay in bed, and wind up in a deadend.

 

So maybe some things were meant to be and others are not. Some people never look around and meet their spouse right away, like in high school and others like me go through an entire life, wind up on loveshack or pining over some gal you can't get.

[Mysterio]

Lonely and Alone to me is No Family/Friends only. Maybe no Pets as well.

 

Not having a SO in my life for the long haul. That is not lonely and alone to me. I think a lot of us have to get out of the mindset that we are less than without a SO.

 

I am phasing out of the I must have a SO in my life for happiness. The actual search and trying to make it happen has got to go. I can't enter my 50's and going forward, tortured trying to make a Love Connection happen.

[chillii]

l think if l was expecting it just wasn't gonna happen then fk it, l'd go build my dream life or follow my dreams whatever, instead and forget about it..

[hotpotato]

Maybe true to an extent. Which basically leaves those people in the land of no opportunity.

 

Fundamentally I think there is a disconnect that occurs at some point when people experience rejection after rejection and so a cycle starts, I believe everyone mostly starts the dating game as fairly equal but how much success you get in your teens probably lays the ground work for how much you might experience later because you gain positive affirmation, whereas people are rejected young get none of that positivity, instead they are stuck in the negative void.

 

Unfortunately we as people are mostly extremely intolerant of difference, intolerant of individuality because familiarity is comforting whereas someone who thinks differently is an unknown.

 

The stone cold reality is I can be the best I can and still not be good enough for what I want which then begs the question, why play the game at all?

 

Maybe its all connection? Maybe its all physical attraction? Maybe its all material? Whatever it is some of us probably wont ever know what works because the more I try the less I understand.

 

People say "adjust your standards", well I like pasta so I am not going to eat Asian food, why should I do the same with dating?

 

In my view the whole thing is a competition, biggest wallet win, best looks win, best personality, best whatever you need to in the eyes of someone else have the best of something. All you can do is try find that person but while you try find them, try become good at something that makes you just a bit better than your competition.

 

Maybe the best fulfilment for people who continually get rejected is to simply be a good person. Be better than that player at a bar, be better than that crass guy describing who he bedded this week and be better than the emperor boasting about things has but doesn't have.

 

Find out what impresses you in life, work out if you think you can accomplish it and try, I'd rather fail at that than succeed at something that doesn't impress or excite me.

 

Well I think beyond a certain age inexperienced does count against a person, much like you wouldn't employ a 33yo with no experience you wouldn't date one either if you can have someone who does have relationship experience.

 

Its the cold hard reality of the situation I think. A lady friend of mine openly told me this and she also said most ladies can tell a guy has been rejected over and over, they wont go for that guy either.

 

So there is being different good and being different bad and mostly I think guys who resign themselves to being alone are the latter to most ladies, they want warmth which most of those guys cant give them, they want "good sex" which an inexperienced guy cannot give them, they want a social circle which mostly that guy cant give them either so when the plusses and minuses are added up a guy like that has little going for him when he is competing with guys who can provide all those things.

 

I do think and in hindsight this was definitely true of me, if you cant get a girlfriend in high school you will struggle later on because if nothing else you get some sort of experience and sure this isn't everything, if the years add up then you find yourself in a niche market with very little demand then you need to try get yourself out of that market but the very thing you need is the thing you cannot find: a person to give you experience.

 

So no whilst there is some destiny involved I think its a combination of decisions and circumstance which conspire to leave people alone and never finding mutual attraction, which at the end of the day is what everyone wants: mutual attraction.

 

If you resign yourself to a loss then its about playing that loss situation in my opinion, somehow making the best of it, I go have lunch at a trend health restaurant, full of very attractive ladies, none talk to me and I don't talk to them but at least I know there are people I do find physically attractive even if I wont ever be able to date any of them.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I didn't have a high school sweetheart. I had a boyfriend for like 5 days lol. Most other girls had a steady boyfriend. Many girls married a high school sweetheart. One of my cousins is in her early 20s and had a boyfriend for years. My first long term boyfriend was abusive. Mostly, ive had to go out and find boyfriends. It was never as simple as dating a coworker or classmate.

 

I've been told to settle as well. Im just not into certain things. People push for sex very quickly nowadays so it's hard not to look at people objectively. I can't love someone for what's on the inside if I don't know them yet.

 

People mostly have simple answers. The more rejection Ive had the less clear it is what works. "Do this, do that." Well, I did those things and still got dumped! Or the guy didn't date me at all.

 

I think my faults are more difficult to hide. I imagine that some women know very well how to hide their faults until a certain point. Im different, and apparently, not in a good way. I say and do weird things. I'm introverted and not bubbly. The next woman might be physically and emotionally abusive, but a guy won't see that side full throttle immediately.

[SumGuy]

If you’re having trouble dating and finding someone to the degree expressed throughout this thread I don’t believe simple answers can help, and what more can one expect to get in a forum? You’d also be lucky in life to have a close friend who has enough insight and objectivity to coach and guide you.

Such a coach or a match maker seems the way to go if possible.

[ZA Dater]

I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I didn't have a high school sweetheart. I had a boyfriend for like 5 days lol. Most other girls had a steady boyfriend. Many girls married a high school sweetheart. One of my cousins is in her early 20s and had a boyfriend for years. My first long term boyfriend was abusive. Mostly, ive had to go out and find boyfriends. It was never as simple as dating a coworker or classmate.

 

I've been told to settle as well. Im just not into certain things. People push for sex very quickly nowadays so it's hard not to look at people objectively. I can't love someone for what's on the inside if I don't know them yet.

 

People mostly have simple answers. The more rejection Ive had the less clear it is what works. "Do this, do that." Well, I did those things and still got dumped! Or the guy didn't date me at all.

 

 

 

My advice to you is value yourself no matter what people say about you. Be happy being you, even if you isn't seemingly what others want. I tried many things but doing those things didn't make me a happier or better person, it was me trying to conform to what I thought people wanted, they didn't want that me either.

 

 

Be the version of yourself which makes you most happy, when you strip the emotive aspect of dating all it really is an arrangement based on compromise, how much you want to compromise is the question. I for one wont settle for someone I don't like. I'd rather chase what I like if I don't get it, well then at least I am happy to the extent I chased what I really wanted.

[TheFinalWord]

I feel like the universe has been telling me that I’m just not cut out for relationships or it’s just not in the cards for me and it’s my destiny to be single forever and I’ve just been fighting the inevitable.

 

I think there are a variety of factors that determine success in dating and relationships:

 

1) Your upbringing: for example, my mom chased my dad and my mom was his first and only girlfriend. He had no experience dating and did not teach me anything about women. What little I know, I had to learn myself and by studying psychology, reading dating forums. That can be hit or miss, but won't be the same as your dad teaching you how to date, encouraging you to ask women out, teaching you how to get over heart break and all the rest.

 

Also, if you grew up in a home that was broken, you have not seen a healthy relationship modeled so you will have to rely on your own experiences to figure out how to make it work. There's a reason, wife beaters come from a family where his dad beat his mom. Or, a girl with daddy issues. Considering the number of single parent households, it's no surprise that this perpetuates more and more broken families.

 

2) Your choices: I could be married right now. I had a steady girlfriend at the "right" age in life to get married, but I broke it off. The reason is I did not like her mother and I knew she would be a constant thorn in my side and my life would be miserable (her mom had no job and planned on buying a house next to us; they were wealthy so if we did divorce, her mom would bankrupt me due to their bottomless pockets, way too risky). When you marry, you're not just marrying your partner, but their family as well. And if your potential spouse will not stand up to her family, it can make for a low quality marriage. If I don't see a relationship or marriage making my life better, what is the point? I'd rather be single.

 

But the point is, I could have gotten married and had kids, but I didn't like the odds of success. Generally, most people have had a chance to have a relationship or partner, but there is some standard or set of standards the person holds that they won't compromise on. Maybe those standards make sense, maybe they don't. Some people, actually, A LOT of people, compromise and settle. That's why the divorce rate is so high. But some people will simply not compromise and depending on what their list looks like, they may never meet a person that fits everything they want.

 

3) Your experiences. A lot of people don't really reflect after a relationship ends to examine what they did wrong. It gets easy to focus on the other person. That's why you see people basically dating the same kind of person over and over again, and all their relationships ending for the same reasons. But your experience can definitely impact things. The people talking about guys with nothing going for themselves that still seem to have women chasing them. It's the bad boy phenomenon. It's the reason you will see some women marrying inmates. Men won't really intentionally chase women with counter-culture traits, but a lot of men will overlook red flags depending on how the woman looks. Eventually, it wears off though.

 

4) The changing culture: relationships and marriages even 80 years ago were based on necessity. Women and men no longer need each other to survive, so relationships are based purely on choice. A lot of people view relationships more like a hobby, and if the person doesn't do everything right, they dump and go to the next. So they may have a lot of relationships, but they're all pretty short term. Then they come into a marriage not knowing how to take a relationship seriously and with tons of emotional baggage.

 

Even though men and women don't need each other to survive, the biological drive to have children is so strong, that people often marry and start families with people that they know they are incompatible with, but go through it anyway, and then end up divorced. And that's my main fear. Without getting into the marriage laws and how that is for men, the last thing I want to do is marry, start a family, and get divorced. I've just never met a woman that has shown me she is a ride or die. A girl that, no matter what, barring abuse or cheating, would not divorce. Relationships are a risk, yes, but they should be a calculated risk.

 

5) Your social circle. If I could redo one thing in life, I would have went the traditional college route and actively sought a spouse. There is no other time in life where you will have access to a group of adults that are the same age, on the same life trajectory, and have zero to no baggage. Otherwise, as you get older, your social circles shrink. You're mostly relegated to online and the probability of finding someone with OLD is slim. It can happen, but it's rare. That and you're dealing with adults that have a lot of baggage. Usually divorces and kids. And second marriage divorce rates are even higher than first time divorce rates. Just creates more hurdles to overcome.

Edited October 9, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[mr_ybor]

Your social circle. If I could redo one thing in life, I would have went the traditional college route and actively sought a spouse. There is no other time in life where you will have access to a group of adults that are the same age, on the same life trajectory, and have zero to no baggage. Otherwise, as you get older, your social circles shrink.

 

Speak for yourself. Mine have only grown. Just hang out with younger people (or whomever fits, regardless of age). You can sit there and define yourself by your age and think that's supposed to mean something profound, or you can define yourself on where you're at in life, and what your interests are and what fits it (which probably isn't taking kids to ball practice, doing family cookouts with your married friends, and so on, if that's not your headspace).

 

You're mostly relegated to online and the probability of finding someone with OLD is slim. It can happen, but it's rare. That and you're dealing with adults that have a lot of baggage. Usually divorces and kids. And second marriage divorce rates are even higher than first time divorce rates. Just creates more hurdles to overcome.

 

Just don't message and match people with baggage. Simple as that. Skip over them. I mean, sitting around and acting all defeatist about things is so stupid, IMO. Just the same, if you're divorced and have two kids and you're taking care of most of the time, don't be chasing professionals without that, and the time on their side to travel and spontaneously live life... even if you're 25. It's not an age thing. You have two kids.

[TheFinalWord]

Just don't message and match people with baggage. Simple as that.

 

You're a good case study in the type of person I should avoid. Thanks for providing me with an illustration. I would not want to deal with a know it all that thinks he can psychoanalyze me based on one post.

Edited October 10, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[mr_ybor]

You're a good case study in the type of person I should avoid. Thanks for providing me with an illustration. I would not want to deal with a know it all that thinks he can psychoanalyze me based on one post.

 

It wasn't a psychoanalysis in the least, merely a suggestion... one directed at anyone in general in any case. Nothing personal. You do you, mang.

Edited October 10, 2019 by mr_ybor

[Mysterio]

Final Word.

 

Looking at your post. I think that most Men should just have a GF. If the GF wants to be married Then she has to do things for that man to produce a ring and take it to the next stage.

 

None of this nonsense of Men just giving to women and the women just soaking it all up for nothing.