My husband does not get along with our son

[BlindsidedTwice]

My husband is/was the most easy-going, laid-back, fun, funny, kind, generous person I know. Pretty much all the reasons why I married him!

 

When we got pregnant with our son, we both believed he would be the “fun parent” and I would be the disciplinary. However, it is completely opposite and I’m struggling with seeing them fight all the time.

 

My husband’s discipline strategy is to scream and yell. He channels all his anxiety and frustrations into conversations with a 4-year-old. I feel that these means of communicating are confusing and scary, especially for a young child. My discipline strategy is a bit gentler - quiet talking first, then time out, then a raised voice if those aren’t working.

 

For example, last night, our son hit a chair because he was mad. My husband screamed at him, “DO IT AGAIN”. He meant “if you do that again, you will be punished” but instead he just screams “DO IT AGAIN”. How confusing is that!?

 

When they fight, my ears physically sting and burn. So last night while they were screaming at each other, I went outside and read a book. My husband came out fuming at me for not helping him. But... I do not support the way he disciplines so I don’t feel as though I should have to endure it. Why should I have to mediate fights between a 4-year-old and a 34-year-old?

 

In addition, they do not do fun things together. My husband does not ever take him out to ride his bike, or throw/catch a ball, or take him to his favorite library... etc. Sometimes I will give him suggestions and sometimes he listens but I’m not sure he even enjoys any of it. It’s really sad because when our son was an infant, my husband had all these dreams and ideas of things they could do together.

 

I have told him over and over again that I NEED my husband and my son to get along, but nothing is getting better. The fighting is picking up in frequency and intensity. I am worried they are creating permanent damage to their relationship. My husband says it’s worse when I’m around (maybe competing for my attention? maybe because we aren’t coming across as a team? easier to divide and conquer?) but I don’t want us to have to parent separately.

 

Any thoughts/advice? I don’t believe my husband is handling himself appropriately, but I need help on how to best help him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry to hear this . Having little kids can be so difficult and wear on your patience like crazy. He isn't handling it well.

 

My son was extremely challenging when he was a baby/toddler/young child, and I did my fair share of yelling and had many exasperated moments (some huddled in a ball crying in my bathroom). I regret it all and your husband will too someday .

 

I guess my son was about 5 or 6 when I attended one of these free live events/seminars: https://www.celebratecalm.com/

 

This guy is REALLY good. Yes, the free events are a sales pitch for an expensive set of audio materials, but even if you never order them (I did not), the seminar is worth it, the newsletter is worth it, the Facebook page/group..... And my son is now almost 17 so I imagine they've only gotten better in the last 10 years.

 

Take a look at the events tab and, if you're in the USA, see if they are coming to your area.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thank you so much for this recommendation. It looks like there are some events close(ish) to us in October and November! I think it could be really productive for my husband to hear these things from a professional/company, rather than just his wife. Do you think he should go alone or it is something we should attend together?

[elaine567]

Is there a chance your husband knows about your affair?

Seems he went from "an easy-going, laid-back, fun, funny, kind, generous person " to an angry and anxious, screamer and yeller and he takes all his ire out on your son.

 

If he knows about or strongly suspects then that may explain his marked change of personality and if he suspects your son is not his, then that may explain a lot too.

 

Even if he doesn't actually know, 3 years living with a wife whose main focus of attention was elsewhere, must have been hard.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you so much for this recommendation. It looks like there are some events close(ish) to us in October and November! I think it could be really productive for my husband to hear these things from a professional/company, rather than just his wife. Do you think he should go alone or it is something we should attend together?

 

I definitely think you both should go. I think the fact that the speaker is a MAN talking about the struggles he had with his SON (as opposed to the mother/child relationship) will really be impactful for your husband. But the seminars are really just great for all parents (and educators).

[BlindsidedTwice]

Is there a chance your husband knows about your affair?

Seems he went from "an easy-going, laid-back, fun, funny, kind, generous person " to an angry and anxious, screamer and yeller and he takes all his ire out on your son.

 

If he knows about or strongly suspects then that may explain his marked change of personality and if he suspects your son is not his, then that may explain a lot too.

 

Even if he doesn't actually know, 3 years living with a wife whose main focus of attention was elsewhere, must have been hard.

 

It is entirely possible that his mood shift is a result of me being distant from him. It’s also possible that his mood shift is why I went looking (very inappropriately) for an escape from it. I am working through this in therapy.

Edited September 24, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It is entirely possible that his mood shift is a result of me being distant from him. It’s also possible that his mood shift is why I went looking (very inappropriately) for an escape from it. I am working through this in therapy.

 

Well, no matter what the reason, the child is the most important soul in this current equation and it's still early enough in his life to fix the dynamic.

[Mr. Lucky]

He channels all his anxiety and frustrations into conversations with a 4-year-old.

 

Never negotiate with terrorists .

 

If one definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results, your H is not of his right mind. It's also disturbing the disconnect you describe in their activities together.

 

Is this something he'd discuss with an IC? Seems to be an awful lot going on beneath the surface here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

Actually, what is happening between your husband and son is quite disturbing. Your son is only four years old - what is a grown man doing shouting and screaming at him. I am surprised you left them to it - as his mother, I would have been protecting my young son from such treatment.

 

Your husband is obviously not the laid-back guy you thought he was. He sounds very angry. Does he have a lot of stress at work or something? What is driving this anger? Is your son very badly behaved? I struggle to understand why a grown man would be so angry with a little boy.

 

I think you both need to take some parenting classes, to seek professional help over this. It is not easy looking after a young child and they do test parents to the limits. It sounds like your husband is only giving your son attention when he behaves badly. This can result in a negative spiral downwards where bad behaviour and negative attention leaves little time or motivation for the fun things in life.

 

Why does your husband not try to do nice things with your son? Have you asked him? I feel there is some serious problem here and you all need help. Please consult with child behaviour experts and see if there are counsellors available who can work with you both to improve things for all of you.

 

In the short term, can you not intervene when this screaming is going on and remove your son from your husband's presence? It sounds like they need separating! I know this puts you in a 'parent' role for both of them but they are clearly not in control of this situation and someone could get hurt.

[anika99]

I'm amazed at how you refer to your husband and your 4yr old son as if they are somehow on a level playing field and are equally contributing to the state of their relationship.

 

You keep referring their fighting, but normal mature adult men don't fight with 4yr olds. THEY are not creating permanent damage to THIER relationship. You're husband is doing that all by himself. Your 4yr old is just being a 4yr old. Your husband must come across as very scary to your little boy. No you shouldn't have to mediate fights between a 4yr old and a 34yr old because that's not a fight, it's your husband doing emotional damage to your son. Stop calling it fighting, it's emotional abuse, and you darn well better be getting in there and doing something about it. Not just going outside to ignore it.

 

Sounds to me like your husband has not bonded with the boy and possibly does not love him. Could have something to do with your child being a boy. How are your husband's other same sex relationships? Does he get along with his father? Siblings?

Edited September 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[BlindsidedTwice]

Never negotiate with terrorists .

 

If one definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results, your H is not of his right mind. It's also disturbing the disconnect you describe in their activities together.

 

Is this something he'd discuss with an IC? Seems to be an awful lot going on beneath the surface here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes he is willing to go to IC and for that I am incredibly grateful. There are definitely some other things going on... especially his relationship with his parents and sister.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I am surprised you left them to it - as his mother, I would have been protecting my young son from such treatment.

 

Your husband is obviously not the laid-back guy you thought he was. He sounds very angry. Does he have a lot of stress at work or something? What is driving this anger? Is your son very badly behaved? I struggle to understand why a grown man would be so angry with a little boy.

 

In the short term, can you not intervene when this screaming is going on and remove your son from your husband's presence? It sounds like they need separating! I know this puts you in a 'parent' role for both of them but they are clearly not in control of this situation and someone could get hurt.

 

I used to intervene but my husband would get angry at me for undermining him. He (and I) want to be a united front.

 

One time I actually said to them, “you go over to this corner and you go over to that corner” to separate them. They both listened to me but I hated doing that.

 

He comes home very angry from work. Weekends feel somewhat different. I know he loves his job, but his attitude after work is very different from his attitude on weekends. It’s not night and day, but it is a noticeable difference.

 

Do you think I should go back to intervening and separating and parenting them? I don’t want to undermine my husband, but I do want to protect my son.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Sounds to me like your husband has not bonded with the boy and possibly does not love him. Could have something to do with your child being a boy. How are your husband's other same sex relationships? Does he get along with his father? Siblings?

 

That is heart breaking for me to read, but I’m posting here for all the opinions, so yes, I suppose it’s possible that he doesn’t love him.

 

I miscarried my first pregnancy, which was a girl, so admittedly, I was sad when I found out we wouldn’t be getting a daughter. My husband though was thrilled we were having a boy!! He said he knew it the whole time and was so excited, he went out and bought a football onesie for the baby the day we found out.

 

My husband gets along great with other men. He does not have a brother. He has a couple of very close male friends from when he was younger and he makes new friends easily. Everyone loves him.

 

He does not get along with his older sister - his parents basically let her parent him and boss him around. She still tries to do it. He gets along well with his dad, although I feel like his parents did not teach him some basic skills needed (like how to do laundry or manage a bank account.)

 

I know he sees my discipline strategies as somewhat passive. I agree that I take a softer approach (although it works!) and he has said that he has to make up for what I don’t do.

 

I’m trying to give a full picture here in hopes you will see something between the lines that I am just not seeing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I doubt this is an issue of your husband not loving his son, but more of an issue of him A. forgetting he's a child and will act his age -- like a child (which is very annoying sometimes!) and not an adult and B. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean he gets to be "tougher" with him than he would be with a girl.

"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos."

 

It's very good your husband is willing to do IC. How about family therapy to address these issues?

[major_merrick]

Step one is to solve any issues that are between you and your husband. If he's stressed out and there's something between you, solving your differences will yield a lot of fruit. The husband and wife are the bedrock of the household, and the marriage relationship is the most important of all. I know that is contrary to what most people will tell you, but it makes sense if you think about it. If you have calm together, you can share that calm. If you have conflict between you, you'll be sharing that instead.

 

Step two is to separate your husband and your son so that both of them have a chance to be away from each other for a bit. A four-year-old is not going to be very logical, which means your husband has to have space so that he can act with the logic he already knows how to use.

 

My husband has children about your son's age. His first step to any discipline is to control the situation by separation. Any discipline he takes that has to go beyond a brief word is somewhat delayed so that it can be done with absolute calm. He rarely has to raise his voice - he has the skills to be very firm without volume. Much of this is done by body language. For example, when he wants to make a point, there's a way that he stands with his shoulders square and feet slightly apart that makes him look larger and VERY solid.

 

An important step that your husband is definitely missing is the "restoration phase" after any kind of discipline is complete. After a timeout, spanking, or whatever, there has to be a loving moment where the relationship is restored and the child knows that the parent doesn't harbor any negative emotions. My husband will explicitly tell his kids that "actions have consequences" and that he loves them before, during, and after they get to face those consequences. It separates the concept of discipline from the idea that "Dad's mad at me."

 

I would echo the idea that your husband needs some assistance with parenting techniques, and I'm glad that he is willing to put in some effort.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think the key them in MM's post is calm.....calm discipline.....I agree with everything she said.

[BaileyB]

I'm amazed at how you refer to your husband and your 4yr old son as if they are somehow on a level playing field and are equally contributing to the state of their relationship.

 

You keep referring their fighting, but normal mature adult men don't fight with 4yr olds.

 

Sounds to me like your husband has not bonded with the boy and possibly does not love him.

 

This is so wise. You child hasn’t developed self control because he is a child and his brain has not matured. As an adult, one would expect that your husband has developed some self control but he certainly isn’t showing it. Adult men do not fight with four year olds. Sure, we all lose our cool when tested from time to time - but your husband needs to get his anger under control.

 

Would he attend some parenting classes. He needs to learn some better strategies to teach, guide, and negotiate with your child, should a conflict arise. He needs to understand the basics - the first being that you never want to engage in a power struggle with a preschooler because you will never win.

 

I also think individual counselling or family counselling would be in order. Perhaps your husband hasn’t bonded with your child. If that is the case, you will need professional guidance to build that relationship. More likely, I think there is something else under the surface, especially as you describe that your husband has changed. The affair - be it a cause or a symptom - appears to be having a significant effect on your family... and again, you may well need professional guidance to heal the problems in your marriage/family.

 

Good luck. For the sake of your child, I hope your husband is able to make some serious changes.

Edited September 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[basil67]

As a mother who's got a bit of experience in 'extreme parenting', I'm wondering if your son is being a regular 4yo or if he's got behaviour which would test the patience of a saint. If it's the latter, I would recommend all three of you go to a child psychologist and get some help in the best way to guide him.

 

Hubby and I found that when we were at a stalemate of different opinions, having a professional guide us made a world of difference and enabled us to work as a team with the same strategy.

[BlindsidedTwice]

An important step that your husband is definitely missing is the "restoration phase" after any kind of discipline is complete. After a timeout, spanking, or whatever, there has to be a loving moment where the relationship is restored and the child knows that the parent doesn't harbor any negative emotions. My husband will explicitly tell his kids that "actions have consequences" and that he loves them before, during, and after they get to face those consequences. It separates the concept of discipline from the idea that "Dad's mad at me."

 

I would echo the idea that your husband needs some assistance with parenting techniques, and I'm glad that he is willing to put in some effort.

 

Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful response. You’ve hit the nail on the head with everything you said. The missing “restoration phase” is really standing out to me.

 

My dad used to yell at me when I was a child, but I never felt scared or that he didn’t love me. I couldn’t figure out why my husband’s yelling felt so different. But my dad always made sure that I understood the lesson behind his disciplining and that he loved me no matter what. That does make a huge difference.

 

I’m not sure my husband will incorporate the restoration piece just because I ask him to. I will try of course, but it feels as though we often have rational conversations about parenting but then when he’s in the moment, he forgets it all. BUT we reached out to a couple of therapists today, and he is very open to it, so that feels like at least a small step in the right direction.

[major_merrick]

I'm glad your husband is open to change. Given an appropriate direction, your efforts as a couple will succeed. And it is super important.

I've noticed in life how much we imitate our parents, unless we truly strive to be different. My husband has had to sort out the good and the bad in his relationship with his father. And apparently his father learned his way from his grandfather. My husband remembers his father would be quite angry when he was young, but toned it town later on. He's made a very conscious effort to be firm, but incredibly calm with his kids. The result? His kids are well behaved and responsible, even when very little. "Yes sir, no sir" and that sort of thing.

 

One thing I'll mention is that a parent has got to notice the difference between simply being loud and misbehavior. My husband lets his kids be loud sometimes. I tend to find that annoying, but I'm learning to deal with it. He lets them run and shout and make messes, as long as there's boundaries and things get cleaned up. Kids need to have an outlet for their energy, especially if you've got a large number of kids like we have. And parents, especially fathers, ought to participate and make it clear when it is a good time to cut loose, run, and have mud-ball battles in the yard.

 

My husband has a teaching degree (among others) and he says that reducing/eliminating recess is a huge mistake in elementary schools, and our society is paying a high price for it. Lack of play and lack of outlets for youthful energy will lead to misbehavior, bad attitude, and mental/emotional issues.

[Maddie82]

Under no circumstance should he be treating a child like that. It's a form of child abuse and with you walking away while it happens is going to teach him that 1. screaming at people is ok and 2. his mom doesn't care because she just walks away and lets his dad do that to him. You need to stop your husband doing this. Your son is only 4 and children learn from their parents and he's going to grow up screaming at people because that's what he was taught.

[anika99]

I doubt this is an issue of your husband not loving his son, but more of an issue of him A. forgetting he's a child and will act his age -- like a child (which is very annoying sometimes!) and not an adult and B. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean he gets to be "tougher" with him than he would be with a girl.

"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos."

 

It's very good your husband is willing to do IC. How about family therapy to address these issues?

 

It's not that the husband just loses his temper with the little boy, it's that plus the fact that he doesn't ever want to spend time with the child or do fun father/son activities with him that makes me wonder if dad loves or has bonded with his son. He sounds like a man who resents his child.

 

I also agree with major Merrick. Discipline is an important part of raising a child but it can be done in a loving calm manner, not by throwing a temper tantrum. Kids, sometimes especially boys, do have an incredible amount of stored up energy that has to come out one way or another.

[preraph]

First, if there's any reason for your husband to doubt this is his son, you should go get DNA tests and put that to rest. If it isn't his son, you maybe should share custody with whoever's it is to minimize time with your husband.

 

It does sound like your husband is venting a lot of anger from other places and a four year old ban be maximally exasperating, so it's probably a steady stream of misdirecting opportunities.

 

Yes, you need to both be in counseling. And you both need to attend the same parenting class so you can agree to get on the same page with discipline. Your husband is likely oblivious that how he acts is how is boy will act because he is his primary role model.

 

Now, you say maybe you had the affair because of how your husband was acting, but at the same time, if this is indeed his son, then you apparently chose to have a child with him anyway, so stop making excuses and acting like this is all out of your control. Get in counseling together and parenting classes together if he's willing. Get on the same page and counseling may give both of you an outlet for your frustrations. Good luck.

[BlindsidedTwice]

For the people wondering, my son is my husband’s. My 3 year affair could not and did not result in a 4 year old child.

 

I am not a serial cheater. I made horrible decisions and believed I was in love with my AP. I am in therapy now and working through the many many many issues I have - including being self-centered and a liar.

 

Additionally, I am not here to play victim. I’m worried about my son and I am simply asking for help.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Under no circumstance should he be treating a child like that. It's a form of child abuse and with you walking away while it happens is going to teach him that 1. screaming at people is ok and 2. his mom doesn't care because she just walks away and lets his dad do that to him. You need to stop your husband doing this. Your son is only 4 and children learn from their parents and he's going to grow up screaming at people because that's what he was taught.

 

I used to get in between them and stop it. I would give my husband ideas of what to say instead and I would try to give him the perspective of the 4 year old.

 

One time I even separated them like they were two little boys who needed to sit in separate corners.

 

Then my husband said I was undermining him. That our son would never take him seriously if I always interjected. So that’s why I started walking away while it happens.

 

I don’t want to undermine my husband but I do want to protect my son. I honestly don’t know which is better/worse.