My husband does not get along with our son

[BlindsidedTwice]

Yes, you need to both be in counseling. And you both need to attend the same parenting class so you can agree to get on the same page with discipline.

 

Do you know where I can find parenting classes? Community colleges or rec centers or somewhere else??

 

CautiouslyOptimistic gave me a link for a free seminar, which I am already making plans for us to attend. A class would be even more helpful.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then my husband said I was undermining him.

 

Have you considered your H may be taking out on you son some misdirected anger at you over your 3-year detachment from the marriage? And that might also partially explain his disconnect from the child?

 

This just seems like it's about more than parenting techniques...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Do you know where I can find parenting classes? Community colleges or rec centers or somewhere else??

 

CautiouslyOptimistic gave me a link for a free seminar, which I am already making plans for us to attend. A class would be even more helpful.

 

First place I would ask is your psychologist you are in counselling with. I would go to Google looking if she has no recommendation. The key is you BOTH need to go and both get on the same page. It will help both of you. Your psychologist might recommend a child psychologist if there's no classes. I know it's a lot to go through, but if he's willing, that's good. He shouldn't be full on yelling or slamming things around. The boy will just copy that. He needs an expert to tell him that since he's not taking your word for it.

 

Just now when I googled "parenting classes," (I am in Dallas a big town) it came up with "court approved parenting classes" and also ones from family shelters and an organization for parenting education, as well as there are online ones. But if possible, go to actual in person classes so you can ask questions and get them answered and explain your certain situation. Since the court does order parenting classes, I am going to guess they have them available in most urban places.

[Rayce]

This is abuse and it totally uncalled for. Your 4 year old son is being seriously damaged. When will you intervene? When your husband starts beating him because your son it learning to fight back at such an early age? Or do you plan on just turning a blind eye for your sons entire childhood?

[beatcuff]

oh, if it was just that simple: fix this one area, as if relationships consisted of independent/non-dependent actions. You are avoiding H went from:

 

My husband is/was the most easy-going, laid-back, fun, funny, kind, generous person I know.

and this:

when our son was an infant, my husband had all these dreams and ideas of things they could do together.

to this:

...to scream and yell[at our son]. He channels all his anxiety and frustrations into conversations with a 4-year-old.

we have to hunt down you just ended an A... it appears there is frustration 'everywhere'

... our son hit a chair because he was mad

it appears you are unwilling to do your job:

One time I actually said to them, “you go over to this corner and you go over to that corner” to separate them. They both listened to me but I hated doing that.

where to start... i will avoid the A, because well you know what you have to do. i am having trouble getting past how a '4 yo' is allowed to 'yell' back, but i will put that aside for another day. i think the best immediate approach would be to to have a conversation (which it appears you have not) with your H. i would stress the chair incident by pointing out C is acting out from a learned behavior --- H. that we (H & W) need to work together to change this path as it will only become more difficult as C ages (and gets bigger). ask H does he realize his current style is not working. ask H should you take the lead.

bottom line - he knows something is wrong between you and him and he is absolutely petrified of what it is. so he is pushing it down, but C does something that causes the pressure to release --- in the wrong way.

[Artdeco]

I doubt anybody would call CPS about yelling, unless the child is physically abused, and if CPS get involved, I doubt they would do anything, unless the house and the kid are a mess, and there’s no food in the fridge.

 

However, the OP acts like the child and the H are equals. They are not. One is a full grown adult man, and one is 4. So don’t say they “don’t get along”. You can say that when your son is 30, and his dad is 60.

 

Your H is unable to raise his child properly, he’s apparently been unable to bond with the child, and he sounds frustrated. He needs to make an effort. But that depends on whether or not he wants to. You can make him sit in a parenting class, maybe, but if there are underlying issues (like holding a grudge against you for whatever he thinks you did, and maybe punishing you by being an ass around you and your son), then they should be addressed first and foremost. If he has pent-up anger a parenting class won’t do anything.

 

I also cannot understand how you don’t want to get involved. You should be there to protect your son, and no matter how much guilt you may be feeling about your A (or whatever else), don’t let that hold you back. If he doesn’t change his ways, I think a separation/D is in order. You’re not “undermining” him, if you tell him to stop yelling and take your son out of a volatile situation.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thank you all for the responses and for helping me formulate a plan to start moving forward...

 

1) Get involved again. Even if it bothers my husband that I interrupt, I can’t let him unleash on our child.

 

2) Find more professional help. I am in therapy. My husband set up a therapy appointment for this weekend. It’s a big step for him. I am very grateful.

 

3) Parenting classes! Duh!! How did I not think of this!? I googled (thanks preraph!) for classes in our area and there are tons.

 

4) Look into child psychologist and/or family counseling. I don’t know how much therapy my insurance can take but we all need it right now.

 

And one more...

 

5) Yes I had an affair and I’m sure that has contributed to all of this. I know I am a guilty party here. I am working every moment of every day to try to be a better person. I love my son more than anything in the world and I will do anything to make sure he always feels safe and loved. That’s why I reached out here, and now I have a plan. Thank you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Two thoughts:

 

Yes, get involved, get in between your husband and your son when things escalate. I think a simple, "It is NOT OK talk to MY SON that way" will suffice.

 

Court-ordered parenting classes are not what you are looking for in my opinion. I mean I really think these cater to the lowest hanging fruit in terms of parenting abilities - like not to put Mountain Dew in a baby's bottle and not to physically assault your baby mama. Just my opinion.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I had an affair and I’m sure that has contributed to all of this. I know I am a guilty party here.

 

I don't think anyone here has tried to make you feel guilty or judged. But there is an overlap between your marital difficulties and your husband's parenting issues. IMHO, addressing one without the other doesn't move this forward in the way you want.

 

I love my son more than anything in the world and I will do anything to make sure he always feels safe and loved.

 

Nice to hear, but I don't remember anywhere in the thread you discussing similar feelings for your husband?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlindsidedTwice]

I don't think anyone here has tried to make you feel guilty or judged. But there is an overlap between your marital difficulties and your husband's parenting issues. IMHO, addressing one without the other doesn't move this forward in the way you want.

 

Nice to hear, but I don't remember anywhere in the thread you discussing similar feelings for your husband?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Pretty sure someone here said my husband wishes I was dead.

 

I love my husband. I love my son too, and if I felt as though my son was not safe with my husband, I would get us away from him in whatever way necessary. I am doing everything I can think of to move forward in a healthier way.

[elaine567]

I knew a guy who was badly treated by his father, "tough iove", beaten up, as he got older, they got into actual physical fights.

BUT once truly adult, he grew up to have a respect for his father, but he hated his mother who never laid a finger on him.

 

He hated her as he felt she never protected him as a child and that was he felt a mother's job to do and she didn't do it.

[Maddie82]

I donÂ’t want to undermine my husband but I do want to protect my son. I honestly donÂ’t know which is better/worse.

 

He's 4 years old. He's a baby and very impressionable at that age. Your husband is a grown man and screaming at a child. You do NOT let that happen. It's not undermining your husband. It's doing whats right. Your husband is doing it wrong. You both are. Screaming at a child is just going to make him grow up angry and think it's OK to treat people like that when it isn't. You walking away is going to make him think you don't care what his dad does. You are all so dysfunctional.

[Maddie82]

For the people wondering, my son is my husband’s. My 3 year affair could not and did not result in a 4 year old child.

 

Are you absolutely 100% sure about? 3 year affair and the 9 months of carrying the child. I'd say it adds up.

[elaine567]

Child is four.

How could he possibly be the result of a 3y affair which ended in July 2019?

[Maddie82]

Was he born before the affair? Don't forget that she's had multiple affairs.

[elaine567]

Don't forget that she's had multiple affairs.

Where does she say that?

[Maddie82]

Other commentors have said it. I haven't read all of her posts but others have, and they bring up the fact that she is a serial cheater because she has had multiple affairs.

[elaine567]

Other commentators may be determined to paint her in a bad light but on this thread she has said she is NOT a serial cheater and on another thread she outlined her story.

 

Basically

Old bf when younger, he ended it, met again 10 years later both married. Affair developed, lasted 3 years till July 2019 when he ended it, again... hence "blindsided twice".

 

For OP this was love, so it maybe explains her laissez faire attitude to husband and son fighting, she is still grieving her loss...

[elaine567]

Also whilst the husband knowing about the affair may explain his reaction, the OP has never mentioned the affair to her husband.

He may still be in the dark.

He may in fact be upset about something else, finances, work pressure, marital issues, little sex perhaps, mid life crisis, mental illness... etc. or may even be having his own affair for all we know...

 

I guess living with a person grieving for another is no fun, even when he does not know the full story...

Edited September 26, 2019 by elaine567

[Maddie82]

True. I imagine that she has created a difficult living environment while coping with her 'grief' that she brought on herself (which i have no sympathy for) but her husband should not take his frustrations out on a small 4 your old boy, and she should not just walk away and let that abuse happen.

[BaileyB]

Then my husband said I was undermining him. That our son would never take him seriously if I always interjected. So that’s why I started walking away while it happens.

 

I don’t want to undermine my husband but I do want to protect my son. I honestly don’t know which is better/worse.

 

You have a responsibility to protect your child - even if it is from his father. Currently, he is learning that dad isn’t a safe place. He is also learning that mom isn’t a safe place either because she knows that he is being hurt by his father and she does nothing.

 

Your husband is a big boy. He can take care of himself. Your son needs you. And simply “loving him” while your husband yells at him and terrorizes him is not good enough. Sorry.

 

Your son will never take your husband seriously if he doesn’t invest in the relationship and attempts to rule the family home with an iron fist. Many people seem to believe that they can demand respect from others. It simply doesn’t work that way, this kind of behavior stems from weakness and ignorance. Your husband gains control by instilling fear in your child. That is not ok. It may work when he is younger, but it’s not a successful long term strategy. If you husband wants the respect of your son, he needs to earn it. And, it starts by treating your son with the respect and kindness deserving of any man, woman, or child.

Edited September 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

Pretty sure someone here said my husband wishes I was dead.

 

BlindsidedTwice, asking for feedback here is like judging Olympic figure skating. You throw out the high and low posts and pay attention to the consensus in the middle. Ask me how I know ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Has a dna test been done to prove to your husband that the child is his?

It’s possible he thinks the child is biologically another man’s child.

How does she bring that one up?

[spiderowl]

How does she bring that one up?

 

If the police can get DNA tests done on hair and from toothbrushes, then maybe she doesn't need to. She get can a test done quietly.

[BaileyB]

If the police can get DNA tests done on hair and from toothbrushes, then maybe she doesn't need to. She get can a test done quietly.

 

She has said that she has no doubt about the child’s paternity.

 

She has not disclosed the affair to her husband. Not saying he doesn’t suspect that his wife has been distant, or even that she is cheating... but correct me if I’m wrong OP - much of this discussion is pure conjecture.