Trying to cope

[SomeDude007]

My mind is a mess right now.

 

I am anxious, depressed, and feel like there's no hope for me. I've always had anxiety issues, but right now it's at the worst it's been in years. I feel like all I want to do is sleep all day to escape. None of my usual activities (i.e. going to the gym) seem worthwhile, and I’ve been having some passive suicidal thoughts. Not anything that I would act on, but they’re there. I very strongly suspect I have what called “Pure” OCD, or Purely Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and so my thoughts and mind are constantly warped by whatever “obsession” I have at the moment. Going to see a psychologist on October 4th, so I wanted to sort of write stuff down so I can reference it during my session(s) in case I needed to. Any thoughts or comments are also welcome.

 

I had a phone conversation with my sister last night and we were discussing how we both feel. She's also been feeling the same way. The topic of our childhood came up and we talked about how we think it affected us.

 

My mom, while a very kind and generous person, has some issues. She's diagnosed as bipolar and is a very emotional person. Anything happens, and it's a catastrophe. She overreacts, exaggerates stories (although not as much anymore), and can't understand what she does is harmful. She can't keep secrets and gets over-involved in situations instead of just lending an ear for listening. She listens to answer, instead of listening to listen. I talked to her the other day, and twice I had to forcefully tell her "mom, you're not LISTENING. Please just LISTEN." She’s very smothering because of this, and as such I don’t react well to overly emotional events or emotionally charged situations. There was a period of time when I was a small kid where my mom was severely depressed. She basically just laid in bed for a year. My mom says that I used to climb onto the bed and talk to her, ask her how her day was going. Read to her. I don’t really remember this, except for one or two instances. But she says I was her “gooey” kid, soft and caring.

 

My dad is a gruff and silent man. He loves his kids, that I know, but I can't remember the last time he told me he loves me. In fact if he said it to me now I'd probably feel awkward instead of warm and fuzzy. We do things together when I visit home (i.e. we love going to the movies), but it still feels "awkward". I've never had a deep, fatherly conversation with him. Again, he's not a bad person, just sort of silent and stoic. He also has a temper (although I've never ever felt physically threatened) and a low frustration tolerance. But the other day he reached out to me and asked me how I was doing. And it made me realize that, in all of the family stuff that’s been happening lately (lots of family drama), I’ve never really asked him how he was doing either. It goes both ways. So, I guess I can’t complain. It was a little awkward when he reached out, but also touching.

 

My mom is still the go to person whenever I need serious advice, and I usually end up crying when I do lol. But idk, sometimes I feel like I don’t love my family enough. I don’t have that relationship where my family are my best friends. And I get envious of people that do sometimes. I just don’t have that “feeling” I guess. I feel closer with my best friends than I do with my family, and it makes me feel guilty. Growing up I was a lot closer to my family than I am now, but towards the end of high school/community college I just wanted to get the F outta dodge. My home was just constant tension and anxiety for me, and I just wanted to escape. Couple that with the normal mix of teenage hormones, and it meant that as a high schooler I was both shy and loud, irritable, boisterous at times. I’ve mostly outgrown that behavior, but I do still see some of it inside me. I can be jealous and envious, want to lash out at people, but I do feel remorse afterwards. And will apologize when I get called out for it, or when I get self-aware of my behavior and realize I’m being a little ****. I can be there for friends/family when people really need me, but I get so anxious. And it’s exhausting.

 

There was a lot of tension in the house while I was a kid, especially as I grew into my teen years. I was always anxious because my parents fought a lot (again, never physical, mostly bickering but at times full blown loud arguments). My mom would be manic sometimes and would clean the house at early hours in the morning and would explode and yell if she thought we weren’t helping enough. Or drive out to find us when we were out with kids. Crazy things like that. She’s calmed down some through years. Growing up I had good friends that I've never had a serious fight with; I've known my two best friends since kindergarten and while I've grown apart from one of them a little since our childhood (I'm now 28), they're still my best friends. I also have friends from undergrad that I still keep in contact with and visit whenever I can. So I know I can maintain contacts and friendships.

 

Idk. I just don’t particularly like the person that I am. I’m unhappy with myself. I want to change, but don’t know how. Or feel like I can’t. I know that I suffer from low self-esteem (obviously lol). I’m always wondering if I’m just annoying people, I carefully word emails so as to not offend anyone, all that stuff that comes with low self-esteem. I sometimes worry that I don’t love anyone, and that scares the **** out of me. I just want to be a kind, caring, empathetic person. Someone who feels and cares deeply for others. Sometimes I feel like I am that person, but most of the time no. But I know that NO ONE is like that ALL THE TIME. Everyone has times where they feel jealous, mean, spiteful, etc. So maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Idk.

 

Writing this has helped and I actually feel sort of calm right now. But I know my anxieties can come back at any moment. October 4th can't come fast enough

[Mr. Lucky]

SomeDude007, simply put, your issues are beyond the reach of an online forum. You don't say how old you are, but FOO issues are tough to overcome as they bind us to a certain way of thinking.

 

My advice? See your therapist and follow their instructions. Hope things improve...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Foxhall]

good that you are prepared to be open about the relationship with your parents as I imagine that is where the psychologist will go with you,

 

you have managed to make and maintain long-term friendships, that suggests to me that you are doing something right.

you can start dealing with all this by liking yourself for that achievement.

[d0nnivain]

Glad you have an appointment! Unburdening yourself will help.

 

For now keep going to the gym, even when you want to crawl back in bed. Journal. think about things you are grateful for. Learn meditation & deep breathing techniques. Watch a TEDTalk or two about dealing with anxiety if nothing else. Try prayer; that helped me a lot.

[alphamale]

when you go to the appt. be honest and don't hold anything back, good luck

[SomeDude007]

Thanks for the responses everyone, as scary as it was to write it out and read responses I'm really grateful.

 

It's definitely not all bad in my life, I think I just need to figure this out and heal whatever it is I need to heal and hopefully be at peace with myself.