Connecting with Ex-fiancé

[BMI03]

I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I suppose it’s more of a vent because the two halves of my brain are in disagreement as to how to feel about it.

 

Some context that may or may not matter:

 

My wife and I have been married for two years, dating two before that, in our late 30s. She is a professional from Latin America, and I born and raised in North America (in case people thing cultural context adds anything to this).

 

Her most recent boyfriend before that was a 6-7 year relationship after having moved to North America with someone from the middle east. He harmed her physically, but she loved him and stayed. She looks back now and says that because he was the first person she was with sexually, she had an ingrown feeling that she was supposed to be with him. During the first year after their break up, and into the first year of our dating, she lied to me about being in contact with him. Nothing happened as they were at a distance, but definitely still emotionally charged conversations. All stuff cleaned up now, but context on why I may have a little PTSD around her and ex-boyfriends.

 

She has been open with me about the ex boyfriend relationships she has. One was from her home country when she was 13 that lasted 7 years. He is a friend of family, and still talks to him today. I don’t mind because it’s all been in the open and shared, etc. No risk factor in my assessment, and I naturally feel comfortable. Others, similar, but no real contact except things in her profession that make sense to me. No issue.

 

One other ex she has, was someone she was with for maybe 2 years, at a time her mother was diagnosed with a serious disease and died a year later. He was there for her during some traumatically hard times, doing things to help that he had no need to do. A hero in her eyes at the time I am sure. Some time after her mother died, he proposed. She said yes (telling me since, that it was because it was done in front of people). None the less, she moved to North America. He visited once, things got hard, he made some accusations, she took offense and they broke up. She stayed in North America. This was about 12 years ago.

 

When her and her last ex broke up, they reconnected. He suggested that she come meat him in Europe where he now lives. She said that in the end she decided not to because it was a step back into the past vs. forward. He has now been dating someone for a couple of years. He and my wife have connected over text a few other times. Once because his mother was sick, and she was close to my wife when her own mother was sick; another when she heard his father was sick and he heard she was engaged and congratulated her; and again to congratulate her on our son’s birth last year. She offered to show me all the texts if I wanted to. I scanned some, but because they were in Spanish there was only some things I could pick out. One piece I picked up on, and translated on my own I didn’t like. In asking my wife how the wedding planning was going, she said “yo ya ni queria hacer nada. no necesito ese estres. Pero (my name) es el que quiere q haya patin.”, which google translated to me to “I didn't even want to do anything anymore. I don't need that stress. But (my name) is the one who wants skating.”. I read this as downplaying her desire to marry me in front of him which didn’t taste good.

 

Now, a year later, my wife and I are travelling to the European country he lives in for a wedding. She has several friends from her home country there, and they have been casually helpful in planning. This week, we had a flight to make, to a location from where we will make our Europe trip. My wife pulled an all nightery packing and cleaning before our early morning flight. She tells me on the plane that she asked her ex for good ideas on places to visit, and he gave her a whole bunch of places. She said we should meet he and his girlfriend for dinner. She can tell I am thrown off.

 

We talk about it in detail later in the day, and I think we landed on the idea that we look at exs differently. For her, this is someone who was in her life in one way or another prior to being a boyfriend / fiancé because of home country / profession, and was a close friend throughout. They were never intimate and so to her it was a friend she dated a while, but the friendship is the stronger context than the dating, especially with all he did to help her with her mother. She loved him, but was not a good match for marriage with him.

 

To me, exs are something to cut away from completely. This may be cold, but to put in perspectives why I think we are at other end of the pendulum on this one, I dated a woman for two years in early 20s. I loved her. Two months after we broke up over mutual terms based on distance that would exist for some time, I stopped communicating with her. Two more months later, I started dating someone else. Eight months after my break up with the prior girlfriend, she emailed me asking if she could talk…her father had died. I didn’t answer the email, nor the one she sent four days later apologizing for reaching out. That’s how strongly I felt that it was unfair to my currently girlfriend for me to be hanging onto those emotionally charged relationships that I view an ex as. I don’t believe they can ever go back to normal, and while some can be normalized as much as possible through sharing and openness with your current partner, others will always feel off if you feel third party to the shared intimacy of their own friendship.

 

So, and I apologies again because I think I am writing this out to land on my own feelings; So, I don’t believe she loves him. I don’t believe she loves me any less. I don’t believe this will develop into anything or she will want to do anything I am uncomfortable with. But I also don’t want to control / manipulate my wife through my feelings of hurt just because I don’t feel the same way about exs as she does. I don’t want her to think my jealousy is threatening a part of nostalgia she feels that also may very well be connected to the memory of her mother. Because I don’t think she is wrong in what she does…I think it’s me who has a different take on what is proper or not. Or perhaps better said, I have a hard time seeing myself carry out the same actions so it in turn bothers me to see her in this type of contact with him.

 

I don’t know…I don’t think I am asking for anything specific…perhaps commentary on my line of thinking if you think I am off on anything, etc. Just sharing some feelings to get some feedback perhaps.

 

Thanks for your time.

[schlumpy]

I think part of your problem is your inability to understand Spanish. I'm sure you can order green beans in a restaurant but all the small nuances in a language that native speakers can relay to one another is probably going over your head and it makes you suspicious.

 

Frankly, I don't see what your wife is doing to get you over your suspicions. She shows you the texts but they are in Spanish which she knows you don't have command of the language. It's not good for any woman to stay in touch with Exes when married. Why should they desire it? I think it shows some degree of disrespect for you and the marriage.

 

If this behavior ramps up in the future you better tell her what your boundaries are and be capable of backing up what you say with consequences.

 

Many wives have lulled their husbands to sleep by conditioning them to accept the old boyfriend as just a friend. Once you say yes to the situation it's damned hard to say no later on without looking like a paranoid fool.

 

I have to tell you my infidelity risk alarm went off while reading your post but it's your life and your call.

[S2B]

Does she have plans to meet him when you travel?

 

That’s the important question - and if she does - did she ask you to go with her to meet up with him?

[BMI03]

I think part of your problem is your inability to understand Spanish. I'm sure you can order green beans in a restaurant but all the small nuances in a language that native speakers can relay to one another is probably going over your head and it makes you suspicious.

 

Frankly, I don't see what your wife is doing to get you over your suspicions. She shows you the texts but they are in Spanish which she knows you don't have command of the language. It's not good for any woman to stay in touch with Exes when married. Why should they desire it? I think it shows some degree of disrespect for you and the marriage.

 

If this behavior ramps up in the future you better tell her what your boundaries are and be capable of backing up what you say with consequences.

 

Many wives have lulled their husbands to sleep by conditioning them to accept the old boyfriend as just a friend. Once you say yes to the situation it's damned hard to say no later on without looking like a paranoid fool.

 

I have to tell you my infidelity risk alarm went off while reading your post but it's your life and your call.

 

Thanks for the insight. I think part of my internal battle is that when it comes to drawing lines in the sand, or giving clear boundaries, I feel like if I have to then I have already lost. What I mean is, I believe she will completely align to any boundaries I set within reason. If I told her today that I can't stomach her speaking with him in any manner, it would stop. She's given me such clarity, and expressed that my feelings relate to our marriage, and so are her priority. But, I find it difficult to find contentment in that outcome because I feel that puts me in a position to have to 'lay the law' for what I consider the right thing to happen. I don't take comfort in her doing it in response to a line in the sand that I set, because I care more about what's in her heart than whether she will stick to rules. So that's the position I find myself in...wanting something to happen naturally which isn't, but feeling reluctant to force it out of concern that it will dilute the value of it if I feel her true intention would have been otherwise. It feels like there is no solution to that paradox.

[BMI03]

Does she have plans to meet him when you travel?

 

That’s the important question - and if she does - did she ask you to go with her to meet up with him?

 

He suggested that we all meet for dinner when there, my wife and I, with him and his girlfriend.

 

I told my wife that I am not sure I could handle that. I told her that I would be in a constant state of over analysis. It's bad enough I am in that state now over a text conversation...in person I would be dissecting every facial muscle movement, etc.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told my wife that I am not sure I could handle that.

 

This really isn't about right or wrong, you feel the way you feel and, in a general sense, your boundaries are reasonable. My wife has a few similar quirks about people and relationships and I've honored them, not the hill I'd choose to die on.

 

I think you should simply tell your wife "I prefer we didn't meet them" and stand your ground from there. In the overall scheme, doesn't seem like a huge ask ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Sinceyou feel uncomfortable meeting up - I certainly expect your wife will understand when you both decline the offer.

 

You can simply say your schedule with time doesn’t allow it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks for the insight. I think part of my internal battle is that when it comes to drawing lines in the sand, or giving clear boundaries, I feel like if I have to then I have already lost. What I mean is, I believe she will completely align to any boundaries I set within reason. If I told her today that I can't stomach her speaking with him in any manner, it would stop.

 

You know, 99 percent of the post here is about you narrating the details of your wife's previous love affairs. I'm at a lost as to how her love affairs have become the issue in your marriage. Something is off here.

 

I think you're trying too hard to make excuses for her continuing attachments with her exes. You're deep into trying to understand and explain her behavior.

 

Sorry, that doesn't work. You want to be with someone whose behavior creates trust--not someone you find yourself analyzing like this. And now you've talked yourself into a corner where to set a boundary is somehow a defeat for you.

 

Are you sure this is someone you're compatible with. I'm sorry, I couldn't get past the initial lying she did when you guys started dating. That was your big mistake there--and it's one that is very easy to make.

 

By not dumping her for lying, here's what she learned: you'll put up with anything she does. Anything she does is negotiable. You'll basically shut up and deal with it. You're off on such a bad foot here.

 

Seriously, is this the way you want to spend your life? No shame in admitting a mistake and stopping this madness. And yes, I hate to tell you: you have to assume she is lying about something now. Why not? She lied and you didn't reject her in the past? Why would she stop lying about seeing exes?