Why women often don't remarry

[HappySenior]

Many times men seem to women to be a lot of trouble, especially in retirement when they are home full time. My group of senior women talked about marriage the other day and all but one said they would never consider it again. Mostly gave the reason that it is because too many men are too much trouble. It has nothing to do with liking sex - several of those women have boyfriends and do love the sex.

 

I'm separated and we are divorcing - for several reasons, but the primary reason I moved out was his anger issues. But we are also dating at the moment at least, because I DO like the sex, and as long as he is working on the anger issues, I have no problem dating him because we still have the attraction.

 

As for other partners, I'm not even considering such a thing because there are things in my life I haven't experienced enough of, and a full time partner would seriously impede those things.

 

Such as sleep. I never experienced "enough" sleep in this marriage what with being touched in early am hours when it had taken me an hour to finally get to sleep. Or being wakened by having the covers pulled off my rear when he rolls over. Or his adult child being noisy in the middle of the night. I experienced all of those and was consistently overtired - while he expected me to be full time "on perky" while he could get grumpy and verbally abusive.

 

Time to work on projects without interruption. I'm a creative person and find lots of things to work on. I wouldn't mind if a partner sauntered in and said "here's a cup of coffee and a kiss"; but the inevitable "lets go here and do this" interruptions meant I could never get much done on a project. Which means lack of creative self-development left a hunger for uninterrupted time.

 

Cleaning up after him. He would set the dishes on the counter and not rinse them. He would claim he "cleaned up the dishes" but 90% of the time I was cleaning up for both of us. He just didn't notice, while I tend to notice everything. Being retired, he was home all the time and would mess up the newly tidied kitchen with crumbs, dirty knife and several plates. His son's girlfriend is doing a lot of the cleaning these days - she has no idea what she's getting into...

 

So I have my group of friends who have something to do almost every day to enjoy together. This morning I was totally overtired due to making the mistake of trying to sleep at his house. I experienced all the sleep problems above again last night and was too tired to be very "perky" with my group this morning.

 

So it's not just low libido that makes women want to be independent... Some want the freedom to travel, some are just tired of cleaning up after others, some want to make their own decisions for the first time in their lives. Some, like myself want all of those things and a peaceful home besides.

[Els]

I'm not trying to convince you otherwise, but personally I've not found marriage (or living in the same house, really, which seems to be what you're talking about) to have any of the negative effects you've mentioned.

 

- Sleep: He doesn't wake me up. Covers used to be a problem until we discovered hotel-style covers, no issues since.

 

- Time: He has no issues with me needing to work on a project sometimes, and I enjoy spending time with him otherwise. One of the best things in the world IMO!

 

- Cleaning up: Okay, he does clean less than I do, but pays for a cleaner to cover his share.

 

- Travel: I love traveling together, but on occasion he has no problems with me traveling with friends/family or solo.

 

Now, having kids WOULD have all of the aforementioned negative effects on me, and more. I think it's just about what the individual person wants and values, as well as compatibility, the man you married, etc. Nothing wrong with choosing either way.

[schlumpy]

My wife and I have been retired four years now and I've not grown tired of having her around and she still smiles when she sees me. I'm a somewhat creative person and I still manage to satisfy that need.

 

I think the problems you are describing come from basic incompatibility between spouses that tend to come to the forefront once the kids are gone or the spouses retire and spend more time together.

 

Liking sex isn't enough. It's only one aspect to the relationship although of greater or lesser importance depending on the individuals. You must like one another.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some, like myself want all of those things and a peaceful home besides.

 

There's a difference between a partner and a selfish partner. Were your H just your roommate, you'd be equally dissatisfied with his approach to cleaning, insensitivity and general cluelessness.

 

Doesn't really have much to do with marriage or gender roles...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree with all those points. Being single is a bliss.

[Artdeco]

Totally agree with OP, and eternal sunshine.

I love my current partner, and I don’t think i’d ever find a better match, but I’m the happiest when I have my own space. Sharing a home 24/7 - that’s just not me. So my preference is: relationship and two homes (even LDR would be fine), or if that’s not an option —-> single

 

I think many women feel this way, esp when they get older

[notbroken]

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I've been married, single, dating, and lived together. All of them definitely have their pluses and minuses.

 

In the beginning at least, being single is fantastic. Do what you want when you want. Catch up on projects, watch what you want on tv, you know whose mess it is, etc. After a while you may find the silence can be deafening though. Loneliness and even the quiet can contribute to depression if you aren't careful.

 

To each their own, but I wonder if you won't be lonely in a couple of years. I'd like to have an update as time goes on and hope being single is everything you think it is. Best wishes and good luck.

[FMW]

I was married for 23 years before divorcing and I have absolutely no desire to ever marry again.

 

I like men, I enjoy their company, and I most definitely have a fully functioning libido.

 

I'm financially independent. I enjoy living alone, I enjoy spending time alone. I have a lot of girlfriends I hang out with and several platonic guy friends. I currently have a FWB that I enjoy very much.

 

I would like to have a "real" relationship again at some point, but even if I meet a really great guy I'm compatible with, I'm not sure I would want to live with him, much less marry him.

[RecentChange]

I have been with my husband for 19 years now, and I couldn't imagine life without him.

 

Like Ells points out, we don't want children, so in many ways our lives are less complicated.

 

I have never had problems with sleeping - I miss having him in my bed when he is away. Or when our schedules are off, he will humor me and go to bed with me till I fall asleep. I just feel so much more at home cuddled up next to him.

 

And likely due to the fact we don't have kids, we have plenty of time for our own interests and hobbies - and respect each other's "me time". Heck I spend an average of 20 hours a week out at the stables riding my horse etc - and he has never bothered me about it. He has mountain biking, band practice and all sorts of stuff that keeps him busy as well.

 

I have all the freedoms I want. While I enjoy traveling with him immensely, I have also traveled by myself which I find fun. He has traveled solo as well - although I find that we end up texting each other constantly "I found this amazing place! Wish you could see / taste / hear it" or lots of "we have to come back here again together".

 

I also prefer the company of men rather than hanging out with my girlfriends..... Perhaps it's because I grew up a tom boy and always had more male friends than female friends.

 

My husband is an extreme extrovert and I really like many of his friends and count them as my own. For socializing we usually go out together and hang with his crowd. I don't have a group of girls I retreat to. It's usually out with "our friends" or I tell him to go enjoy himself and I appreciate my alone time.

[S2B]

Any new husband who need to be totally independent of me.

 

I tend to go where I want - with whoever I want - for as long as I want.

 

He would need to add something amazing to my life that I don’t have now.

 

I do like the freedom! I was with my exH 27 years. I fully love living life now instead of being obligated to someone!

[HappySenior]

There's a difference between a partner and a selfish partner. Were your H just your roommate, you'd be equally dissatisfied with his approach to cleaning, insensitivity and general cluelessnes

 

You're very likely right, yet it remains that we are more compatible not living with each other than together in the same house. It has been difficult to find suitable partners in my age group. I enjoy the dates we have and it is easier to deal with the above problems when I can saunter off to my own quiet place. But the women my age I talk to have generally had similar experiences with men our age, and come off as jaded - even women that I consider to have "sweet" personalities.

 

He's totally different as a date than as a husband and it mystifies me...

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HappySenior]

 

To each their own, but I wonder if you won't be lonely in a couple of years. I'd like to have an update as time goes on and hope being single is everything you think it is. Best wishes and good luck.

 

Well, I worried about being alone. However my group meets almost every day for some event and thus I am with them half the time on trips or gatherings. We all exchange hugs freely and have lots of conversations; kind of a big family. So I don't really feel all that much alone. And then there's church on the weekends.

 

Some days I spend very little time at home.

And there is always Alexa to talk to... lol!

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AMarriedMan]

I think one of the reasons why women don't remarry is also that at middle age or particularly at old age, suitable partners are not easy to find for women. Those women who would like to remarry have slim pickings at old age simply because men tend to die younger. Also, when it comes to men's marriage market value, the wheat has been pretty much separated by middle-age. The financially well off men who have their life together are more often than not in stable marriages and off the market, leaving mostly 1) divorced men with heavy financial obligations toward their ex-spouses and children, 2) men not eligible for marriage (poor, unhealthy, too many personal problems) in the first place, or 3) men who have never wanted to get married in the first place. While it should still be possible to easily find bed warmers, that's not what most women who want male companionship are typically after.

 

Men who wish to remarry are often burdened by having to pay alimony (at least in some countries) and child support (as they should). Also, the women willing to remarry tend to have children of their own, which is a complicating factor if forming a new family is the goal. Dating is also made more difficult by the existence of children from prior relationships.

[carhill]

OP, as an older man, I do note what you've experienced and shared, and, although my father didn't present the behaviors you outlined (I won't say for sure on the bedroom part because they kept that private), my mom definitely never had any sort of long term thing with a man after he died, and I personally never saw her with a man other than family members. Her 'reason' - caregiving in his final few years wore her out. She didn't desire to take care of a man until he died again and doing that was her style of loving. So, she went off and lived life on her own, did stuff with/for me and lived another 25 years mostly healthy until dementia got her in her 80's.

 

Female friends my age have expressed more similar comments to yours and are preferring to stay single, dating or not, in their 50's and 60's. That's a marked change from the always married mindset I got used to as a younger man. Not the case anymore. IMO, live life for you. A man can be a part of that or not. The beauty of choice!

[2.50 a gallon]

After my marriage, which lasted a whole 6 months, I swore to never let myself fall in love again. I still dated, but the moment that loved reared its head I was out of there. I had a great life, I was never lonely. That lasted 14 years, then I don't know what happened, second date first kiss, and I was in love. I knew I was in trouble when I went home that night I realized how lonely my life was. She too was divorced and had dated around, she had just turned 40 and I was about to turn 50. Me, I was a skinny 5' 6", while all of her previous boyfriends were 6 footers, including her ex husband a 20 year army guy and her latest live in boy friend who had been a heavy weight boxer. I took it day by day, and knew there were a lot of guys hitting on her and expected to some day be dumped for another well muscled six footer. After a couple of years we had the marriage talk, turns out by not asking her to marry me I was doing the right thing. She too had been in a bad marriage and never wanted to remarry. And being a very good looking lady all of her other boy friends had pestered her to marry them. As she put it the sex was good, I was a good cook so that along with washing the dishes were two chores she no longer had to be concerned with, and I wasn't trying to get her to marry, so why not stick around.

We have no been together for 23 plus years, both of us draw our retirement. Tho she still works part time. We still don't talk marriage, but we should have as by not being married she will not get any of my social security benefits when I pass

Edited September 27, 2019 by 2.50 a gallon

[elaine567]

I was married for 23 years before divorcing and I have absolutely no desire to ever marry again.

I like men, I enjoy their company, and I most definitely have a fully functioning libido.

I'm financially independent. I enjoy living alone, I enjoy spending time alone. I have a lot of girlfriends I hang out with and several platonic guy friends. I currently have a FWB that I enjoy very much.

I would like to have a "real" relationship again at some point, but even if I meet a really great guy I'm compatible with, I'm not sure I would want to live with him, much less marry him.

 

Sounds like you may need to change your username.

"Found my way" may be more apt.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just sounds like a bunch sour grapes....

 

"I cant get it, so then it must suck"

 

TFY

[eleanorrigby]

If my marriage ended, I doubt I'd get married again.

It's difficult for me to imagine getting to know someone new the way that I know him. I can't imagine opening up to a new person and feeling free to show my faults and weaknesses and discuss them.

 

A new guy wouldn't have been around to grow up with me as he did and understand me, what things changed about me, what things didn't and how I've come to be the person I am.

[amaysngrace]

As soon as I find a man who’s as sweet as my dog I will marry him.

[Mr. Lucky]

As soon as I find a man who’s as sweet as my dog I will marry him.

 

Does he have to be house-trained to be a candidate?

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

No not really. Outdoorsy types would be okay too.

[WorstFeelingEver]

Many times men seem to women to be a lot of trouble, especially in retirement when they are home full time. My group of senior women talked about marriage the other day and all but one said they would never consider it again. Mostly gave the reason that it is because too many men are too much trouble.

 

I think this goes both ways... Many times women, seem to men, to be a lot of trouble as well. Many men have been burned at times with their wives cheating and initiating divorce. They don't think about the family or the kids... they think about themselves.... Then men usually end up paying CS or/and alimony to their ex.

 

This happened to me, throughout 22 years, I opened up to her, gave my heart & soul to her, was home every night after work, provided for my family & my Ex still divorced me to be with MM or other men...

I am paying CS. Luckily, I fought & spent a lot of $$ on lawyer & got out of alimony, (which she was trying hard for).

 

I know I WILL NEVER marry again. I am a one marriage guy...one & done... been there, done that... da,da,da that's all folks!!

[doh]

I don't think there's anything here that doesn't apply the other way around either.

[Els]

He's totally different as a date than as a husband and it mystifies me...

 

 

I think that's totally fine - like everything else in life, marriage or cohabitation isn't for everyone. There IS a certain amount of compromise that you need to make in order to share your space with another human being (although it's very minimal if you are compatible and childfree, IMO). For some of us the tradeoff is worth it, for some of us it isn't.

 

 

 

Do what makes you happy, be it marrying or not.

[Els]

I have all the freedoms I want. While I enjoy traveling with him immensely, I have also traveled by myself which I find fun. He has traveled solo as well - although I find that we end up texting each other constantly "I found this amazing place! Wish you could see / taste / hear it" or lots of "we have to come back here again together".

 

 

Yes, this! I love solo travel, and I'll always take a couple of days to see the place if work sends me somewhere and he's not able to go. But a lot of the time I find myself thinking, "Oh man, he would LOVE this!" or "I should take a picture of this to show him", dozens of times a day...