Why women often don't remarry

[AMarriedMan]

On 10/1/2019 at 9:39 AM, WorstFeelingEver said:

 

Quote

 know I WILL NEVER marry again. I am a one marriage guy...one & done... been there, done that... da,da,da that's all folks!!

If I got divorced, I'm sure I wouldn't get married ever again, either. I'm almost completely sure I wouldn't ever consider living together with a woman, either.

It's funny how I get to hear from my wife how she "supports" our family. She buys 80% of the groceries, our kid's clothes, has paid for maybe 60% of all the new furniture and household appliances we have bought in the last two years, and a few travel packages that I thought we should've gone without. She gets boxes from online shops delivered to her every week or every other week: yarn, ceramics, clothes for herself etc. etc. I pay for *everything* else. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

On 9/25/2019 at 10:50 AM, HappySenior said:

My group of senior women talked about marriage the other day and all but one said they would never consider it again.

I've been dating my long term girlfriend for almost 8 years.  We get along GREAT!!  Very early in the relationship I told her I've never been married and never want to get married.  She told me that was perfect, that after her divorce she never wanted to re-marry.

 

We are also in agreement that we don't want to live together, either.

 

I never asked her about her divorce or the divorce process, I think there was a lot of pain involved and she doesn't want to re-hash.  So, I just left the subject alone.

 

For the record, we are both over 50 and retired.

[Steve40th396]

Not sure the general age group of this thread, but many people bring good insight to divorce, marriage and dating etc. I am 52, and am in a separation. Some of this brings a little idea of whats to become later or can be.

[Angelflower]

I am defective I guess. I'm 58 and have been single since I was 27. I haven't had a relationship in over 20 years now. I can't even get to a second date. I haven't remarried because I have met anyone that wanted to marry me. I am not sure how I managed to get married in the first place. It's very depressing if you really want to know. It has finally taken it's toll on me and thinking about give it up every day now waking up most days with tears in my eyes.

[Steve40th396]

1 hour ago, Angelflower said:

I am defective I guess. I'm 58 and have been single since I was 27. I haven't had a relationship in over 20 years now. I can't even get to a second date. I haven't remarried because I have met anyone that wanted to marry me. I am not sure how I managed to get married in the first place. It's very depressing if you really want to know. It has finally taken it's toll on me and thinking about give it up every day now waking up most days with tears in my eyes.

You need some more positive people to hang out with and get your self esteem rocking.. Relationships can drain your life.. Dont let it.

[Angelflower]

Unfortunately no one wants to hang out with me. Believe me I have tried and I continue to try different things. Currently I am taking class and going to the gym so I can be around people. Sure I make friends where I go but they don't want to "hang out"... This is mostly because of their own life stuff going on... marriages, kids, jobs other commitments. 

[Steve40th396]

2 minutes ago, Angelflower said:

Unfortunately no one wants to hang out with me. Believe me I have tried and I continue to try different things. Currently I am taking class and going to the gym so I can be around people. Sure I make friends where I go but they don't want to "hang out"... This is mostly because of their own life stuff going on... marriages, kids, jobs other commitments. 

If there is a hobby you enjoy, go immerse yourself in that.. People will notice and if that is their hobby, maybe you will meet like minded people. But you need to get out..

[Angelflower]

Gosh… of course I have tried that so please stop with the suggestions already. And I do get out I go to classes and I go to the gym, I go shopping, I go to the movies, I go out to eat by myself, I travel by myself, I go to concerts... blah blah blah....  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 hours ago, Angelflower said:

I am defective I guess. I'm 58 and have been single since I was 27. I haven't had a relationship in over 20 years now. I can't even get to a second date. I haven't remarried because I have met anyone that wanted to marry me. I am not sure how I managed to get married in the first place. It's very depressing if you really want to know. It has finally taken it's toll on me and thinking about give it up every day now waking up most days with tears in my eyes.

I'm so very sorry, Angel.  You sound very lonely :(.  

[Midlife with Sweet T]

I've been divorced over 10 yrs and when the kids are gone the quiet is bliss for a while.  But, then you start to miss things like eating with someone, sharing your plans, dreams, or worries, commenting on tv shows.  There is just no one to laugh with or pull you up when you are down.  You are not getting the full picture just yet since you are dating each other.  When/if that ends it is much quieter as others have said.  It definitely took me a while to even want to open up and date again but living together is still not the same as marriage.  Living together is not a 100% "we" until the end-there is always the threat of a different ending but then again after 1 failed divorce it may always be that way.  Who knows?

[HappySenior]

4 hours ago, Midlife with Sweet T said:

  But, then you start to miss things like eating with someone, sharing your plans, dreams, or worries, commenting on tv shows.  There is just no one to laugh with or pull you up when you are down.  

Well as it happens, I am not dating my ex anymore. Found out he lied (again) about something important. So I told him that was it for me.

I was looking back at our photos over the last five years - I look quite happy.  I suddenly figured out that it wasn't so much HIM I was happy with, it was the stuff we were doing together. (trips, adventures, etc.).  The little bits of happiness I got from him never seemed to last.

As for missing. Well, every day (tomorrow morning as a matter of fact), I go down to see my friends at the center. We laugh, we play games, we give and receive hugs as needed, share coffee, food, go places on the bus we use, do puzzles, watch movies, etc.  Hard to miss. Yeah, perhaps I miss sleeping with someone (who doesn't have restless leg syndrome or plays with their phone all night) but maybe I'll get 'round to it someday. But it'd have to be someone who adds to my life more than they take away. And undoubtedly I'd have to be that for them. Easy going but open and honest is what I would look for.

As for divorce with my ex - prenup, no alimony and we had no children together. Previous ex paid alimony for ten years and we split the retirement fund. I wanted just enough to get by so didn't go whole hog on anyone.

In the last month I have gone alone to two big events and a flash mob in my town. It's been fun. There's not a lot of available people dating in my town anyway -- but I do plan on going fishing a lot this summer, as well as possible canoeing - so that might yield some possibilities. 

Really the hardest part is missing the one I was married to for three decades to before. You'd think after twelve years, I'd be over it... but no, not really. I had a chance with the last husband, but he turned out to be just plain mean, so that love kinda died s slow but certain death. It's hard not to look back in time. I doubt I will ever stop missing him, but I've kinda learned to live with that. It's almost like being widowed I suppose.
 

[HappySenior]

On 1/20/2020 at 7:47 AM, Angelflower said:

I am defective I guess. I'm 58 and have been single since I was 27. I haven't had a relationship in over 20 years now. I can't even get to a second date. I haven't remarried because I have met anyone that wanted to marry me. I am not sure how I managed to get married in the first place. It's very depressing if you really want to know. It has finally taken it's toll on me and thinking about give it up every day now waking up most days with tears in my eyes.

I'm sorry to hear that. Just so you know, sometimes when I am thinking about my previous husband I get sad or even mad too.  I usually take an allergy pill because crying messes up my face (allergic to my own tears). It doesn't happen a lot, but every so often.  I feel defective at times myself: I have attention deficit disorder and find it hard to follow through on anything without a definite routine. And if my routine gets interrupted, I can get way off track and the house becomes a total disaster until I have quiet time enough to put it all back together. 

You need friends first, before anything. It helps me a lot! People to exchange hugs with. I read that people need six hugs a day, and that is just for maintenance. I used to have trouble making enough friends, but something changed and now I find friends everywhere. I think it starts inside, when you start to be your own best friend then you can fall in love with life again (tentatively at first) and it starts attracting people. 

 

[HappySenior]

One more thing to add, and that is, I guess, that other than a warm body to sleep with, the only advantage I can see to being with a significant other at this point is the idea of someone to survive with, rather than surviving alone. That is to say, I am living pretty darn well considering. But there are days when I wonder how I would handle it if the hill behind me cast an aversion layer (mud) on my house, or a tornado, or I got in an accident or whatever. There's something strengthening about having someone at your side who you can partner with through any disaster that befalls you I think.

My friends probably couldn't help me in those cases. But I know they'd visit me in the hospital anyway. A few years back, I didn't even have anyone to do that!

[Pastypop]

I would love to remarry.  Currently, I’m separated from my husband and live in another state.  He decided that his job was more important than family.  Whenever we would argue he would always say I’ve made him miserable for the past 26 years. Over time that really wears away at your self confidence. I am still going through the needy depression phase and just want to hide in the bed every morning.  Can’t wait for that to pass.  It’s been 7 months of that so far.  I just think it would be great to find a companion who shares my interests and would travel the world with me.  My husband never wants to go and just complains about the money.  I now live in a town full of older men so who knows, maybe one day when all this is over someone will cross my path.  

[schlumpy]

What is it that he claims you do that makes his life miserable?

Is there a history here where he is the main bread winner and you would uproot, quit your job and follow him as he moved up the pay scale?

We rarely get what we want in life. For the majority of people their dreams in their 50's are not what they were in the twenty's. Experience as to what works and the give and take of relationships changes everything.

Many people dream of traveling and experiencing the delight of discovering something new each day but it's not something that just falls into place or comes without a price tag. 

What have you been doing for 26 years to make that dream of travel come true?

 

[Pastypop]

I’ve been traveling every year since 2014 and sometimes twice a year.  I have seen some amazing things and usually travel alone.  It would be wonderful if he went with me, which he does sometimes.  As far as my career goes, it is now amazing too.  I have to pinch myself to actually believe this career is actually happening to me.  I make quite a bit more than he does and at this juncture will not give up my career, move my kids back to bad schools and to a city that I absolutely despised for 25 years.  I did that once before 17 years ago and regretted every single day until I went back last year.  There of plenty of good jobs in my city and he could make much more and be more satisfied with the job than he is now.  His company is firing people every quarter.  I am secretly hoping they lay him off soon so he has absolutely no reason to stay. He told me if I would find him a job, clean out our house that we’ve lived in for 17 years and sell it, he would move.  Not sure how I would do all that on top of my working and raising teenagers.  He won’t even do the dishes.  When I go back into that home, the dishes are still in the sink from our last visit.  He says he doesn’t have time to do them.  I’m not real sure why.  It doesn’t make any sense for him to remain there.  All he has there is a job and co-workers who he considers friends.  It’s all so strange.  Think he’s just happy to have us gone. 

[schlumpy]

It sounds to me that you made up your mind and without a drastic turnaround in his attitude you are done.

Thankfully you have a career and a sense of purpose to carry you through. I guess the question now is who files for the divorce? If you want the best possible outcome for yourself I suggest you do it. It may seem like you are taking on the stigma of the "bad guy" but if you are calm, reasoned and deliberate and stay away from drama that will dissipate.

Good Luck 

[Pastypop]

Right now, I’m leaving it opened ended so that I still have full access to all the funds, help when I need it, and have him take care of the kids while I travel without the drama of parenting agreements, hurt feelings and so forth.  I’ve watched way too many of my friends deal with all that drama who have no lives or money due to an angry ex-spouse.  It is just much, much easier at this juncture to keep everything as it is until my youngest graduates high school.  Once they all graduate, they go back to him and it’s his responsibility to pay for cars, insurance and college.  So even though I do not like my current arrangement, it works best for now for the kids.   I  don’t have too much longer to go as everyone is teenagers. So far, I’m enjoying my career and travel and don’t want to mess that up but everybody knows in our job markets, our jobs can be here today and gone tomorrow.  So who knows we may end up back in those awful schools and town.  I am keeping all this to myself, paying off debt, not starting drama and making sure everything seems normal until that last one is out of high school.  

[YOLO66]

Just my take on this:

I see a lot of women who are essentially in the same boat as my ex.  
No, they're not all psychotic narcissists, but for a variety of reasons seem to have the same view of marriage.  That they were somehow shortchanged, and now its their turn to get something back.  It's almost as though they want any new man to "pay off" the "relationship debt" left by their previous husband.

I think that part of the problem is that many women never got quite as "liberated" as we might like.  
Let me give you the example of someone I know quite well:  Apart from a few years when her kids were very young, she went back to work to help support the family.  She had to change careers and accept part-time work as she juggled school, sick kids etc.  All the while still in reality being a traditional wife & mother.  Her typical weekend, for around 25 years, involved groceries, laundry, cleaning, kids sports, and gardening.  Whilst his involved going fishing, playing footy, and mowing the lawn once a month.  Their "together time" consisted of going to the footy & cricket together, so that he could get drunk, and she could drive him home.  He always made more money than her, yet they always contributed equally.  Over the years he spent "his" money on cars, bikes, and boats.  She spent "hers" on the kids, home decor, and a new kitchen.  As empty nesters, they agreed to spend more time travelling.  She dreamt of Paris, he bought a new 4wd and boat so they could go fishing up north.

I think its fair to say, that at this point many men still want the same thing they wanted 30 years ago.  They want a lover, and somebody to look after their domestic life.  But after 30 years of doing that, you can understand why many women want something different.

I also think, that around our age particularly, there is an especially extreme disconnect.  
For men my age, we still think of retirement as a long way off.  And if anything having an empty nest means we can concentrate even harder on work and business, and even devote more time to personal projects.  But for a woman who views her life as having been about raising a family, she sees NOW as retirement.  Time to cut back on work, travel, become a theatre buff, etc.
In short, most men would settle for a return to the "domestic bliss" they have known, but women want to move on to the next phase.

[Fletch Lives]

Perhaps you need healthy space - which means more time apart, and separate rooms. Or even separate homes. It sounds like that's what you two are trying to do now, but calling it quits.

That said, anger issues are often a deal breaker.

Healthy space can be a good thing.

 

 

On the other issue - why don't women want to remarry? - because they are gunshy. However, let's see what happens if they fall in love with a man. Some will change their tune.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[2.50 a gallon]

It is not only the women.  My marriage lasted a whole 6 months, when I caught her kissing a guard where she worked.  It was going to cost me thousands of dollars to officially end the marriage.  That was it for me, no more marriage. 

My current GF of almost 25 years is another who will never marry again. 

But as we are both now retired, it would have been best for her had she remarried.  Even though she worked for decades, it was almost always at minimum wage, there fore her monthly SS check is less than a thousand a month.  I am older than her by several years, and looking down the road she will probably out live me.  By not being married she will not be able to collect any of my SS benefits as would a spouse of 7 to 8 years.

 

[notbroken]

I'm not sure it is all that different for men and women.  I (a man) don't want to remarry because I've been there done that and it was very painful the last several years.   Just can't see signing up for that ever again.   I can afford to retire on what I have left but couldn't if I had to split it - just WAY too risky and doesn't make financial sense at all.   It is hard emotionally and financially to split things up after a marriage.  I've worked way too many years to risk what's left.   I do love my girlfriend deeply but believe 'forever is a very long time' and I can't control what someone else does (they could decide to cheat,  leave on a whim, the grass is greener on the other side,  etc.)  While I am loyal I've seen many people that are not. 

I have also come to believe that a relationship with me seems to have a shelf life.  Maybe 8-10 years.   

 To me, marriage makes sense when you are raising a family.  After that, it makes WAY less sense.   I am a 'one and done' guy on marriage and become more convinced by the day it is just not for me ever again.    The Disney fantasy has died in me. 

I enjoy my alone time and have traveled and lived alone.   However,  I actually prefer to be with someone.   I just don't want the formality of a marriage and the risk to my financial assets that brings.  I may get flamed for this (though women get congratulated for it), but it is how I feel.  

[HappySenior]

I should update this thread by mentioning that my divorce was finalized November last year. Only cost what Florida charges to file - no lawyers and we did it ourselves. I didn't even have to go down there for the hearing, but was allowed to do it on the phone (for $65 - but that's less than gas would have cost me to get there). 

Surprise to him though: when you finalize divorce before the end of the year, you cannot file as "married" for that year. He's high income and he lost my personal exemption (which I must say was higher than what it cost him to live with me). I, on the other hand, will get a nice fat refund because I am "technically" below the poverty line unless and until I get a job. We had a prenup in which I agreed to get nothing from him in the event of a divorce and that's fine. 

As it may turn out, my daughter is looking to buy a house down south (with a mother in law suite or guest house) this year. So in the future, should I become incapacitated or simply want to escape winter - I have an open invitation. However currently I am still hobnobbing with my seniors group quite happily and up until recently we all exchanged hugs quite frequently. 🙂 It isn't the corona virus that scared our bunch - quite a few of us had either a cold or the flu recently. Mine turned into bronchitis which I am still getting over.  I am still working on downsizing, even in my tiny house.

 

[Shining One]

It hasn't been mentioned in the thread so far, but some women may not remarry due to lifetime alimony. If there's a stipulation that alimony ends on their next marriage, that's a direct financial reason to not get married. My mother lives in a retirement community and several of the women there remained unmarried for that reason. One of them is getting married soon to her long-term boyfriend since her ex-husband passed away last year.

On the other side, some women may choose to not marry a man who is currently paying alimony due to the marriage increasing his household income, potentially entitling the ex-wife to more alimony coming out of the new wife's salary.

[snowcones]

We get it.  You had a bad experience living with your husband and never want to live with a man again.  Just get a divorce, live alone and you'll be happier once you get over your divorce.