Best Friend Forgot My Birthday Twice

[preraph]

I guess I will get everyone's opinion on this. So the woman I call my best friend and she calls me her best friend I'll call Margo for purposes of this question. we've known each other and been close friends since about 1980 so about 40 years. we live in the same town about 10 minutes from each other.

 

She is married with two kids, 1 still in school and she has a full-time job.

 

she's always been a little off on my birthday like usually late, even before she started working, but she never completely forgot it until last year. now admittedly for many years up until the last maybe 10 years, I used to just call all my friends and ask them to dinner to celebrate my birthday. But I quit that mainly because she started having trouble being able to go on the exact day of my birthday for one reason or another. But she had younger kids then, and she had trouble going but she did go.

 

So I stopped trying to get everyone together for it. I always thought that should be preferable to them because they're all going to end up buying me dinner and it would be cheaper if they could split it with other people.

 

So after that I didn't make a plan and I just waited to see who remembered and asked me to do anything. and that's when I started spreading out my birthday over an entire week to give the ones who were late and weren't going to do anything right on my birthday plenty of time. And shortly after that is when I decided I should make my own plans for my birthday and just go out of town because people we're not making much effort to do it right on my birthday which is important to me and I have explained that to the best friend before. My birthday is my favorite holiday and really the only one I care much about.

 

So everyone, which is just a handful of people, both in town and out of town, still remembered my birthday until last year when Margo completely forgot and didn't remember for months. Now I knew she had been ill or had back trouble or something around that time so when she did remember I told her I remembered she wasn't feeling good during that time and she was forgiven. but at the same time her son's birthday is 2 days after mine and if I can remember when her son's birthday is she can surely remember that mine is two days before his, and I guarantee you she has never skipped his birthday for any reason.

 

So this year everybody remembered but her. so as far as I know there's no good excuse this year certainly not one that I'm aware of. Not that she always tells me when she gets sick. But I know if she had remembered it at all whether she was sick or not she would have at least called. So she's just not making a very good effort to remember it and I find that hurtful.

 

I would understand if she didn't have time to get together but I would at least like a phone call.

 

So now I'm trying to decide what to do about it. We exchange presents at Christmas. I had giving her a nice gift for her birthday in July and taking her out. I'm trying to decide if I should just not do anything for Christmas.

 

I mean I would gladly give up Christmas gifting entirely because I'm just not that crazy about that or most holidays.

 

I'm not going to just call her up but will probably wait until I hear from her and see if she's figured it out yet and what she has to say about it. and if she never brings it up I'm going to buy her a Christmas present and it's going to be a calendar, and I can write my birthday in on it, but I know what she'd say. She'd

say oh I use my iPhone for reminders. So I figure if she says that, I'll just point blank asked her then why don't you have a reminder on there for my birthday.

 

Any other suggestions for what I could do or say, please let me know. I have let her know just some years ago that my birthday is important to me.

 

My friend in California is also married with a kid in school and working and very busy (aren't we all?) And she always gets a card in the mail.

 

I have to admit there are times I get tired of the busy excuse from my best friend because I mean we're all busy.

Edited September 25, 2019 by preraph

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Happy Belated Birthday .

 

You've already told her that your birthday is important to you and it sounds like a long friendship.....I'd just remind her gently. A good friend will take it well I think. I would use the word "sad" and not "hurt" or "mad."

[Rayce]

Happy belated Birthday! I hope you had a good day! You know some people (me included) have a hard time remember stuff like that. My own son has forgotten mine 3 years now. I wonder if that means I haven't aged in 3 years? lol... maybe you can have a conversation about it. Maybe she needs to set up some of notification that could help her remember in the future.

[FMW]

I put my friends' birthdays on my work calendar so that the reminders pop up along with deadlines I have to meet for work.

 

If I didn't do that, I would probably forget them. It's not a reflection on how much I care about my friends, it's about my own view of birthdays. Once someone is an adult I've never related to them being a big deal. But again, I do put them on my calendar and do at least send a happy birthday text.

 

The fact that you did remember hers and took her out and gave her a gift should have inspired her to make an effort to at least remember yours and made a note to herself so she wouldn't miss it.

 

Happy belated birthday preraph:)

[Art_Critic]

Well.. I forgot too

 

 

I think this can go 2 ways, one is that she just forgot.. When I was younger I went a few years where I was so busy and wrapped up in my own life I missed my Mom's B-day a few times..

I recovered and fixed it though..

So your friend might just be wrapped up in her own life right now and forgot your B-day...

 

or she is making a point.. providing everything seems okay then if most likely isn't her making a point.

 

I say you just ignore it all and catch up with her one day on the phone...

[RecentChange]

Does she make a big deal out of her own birthdays?

 

I personally don't care about birthdays - and have been known to even forget my own!

 

Most of my friends and family really don't make an event of birthdays. I try to make my husband a nice dinner for his, and greet him with a happy birthday when he wakes up, but that's about it. My dad sends me a happy birthday text.

 

I am not good about recognizing my friends birthdays but they tend to be of like mind, "it's just another day".

 

To me the little "this reminded me of you!" notes or tokens are more important to me than remembering a specific date.

 

But I also opted out of exchanging Christmas gifts long ago - just felt like a consumerism burden rather than a source of joy.

 

Is she a good friend of yours in other ways? Outside of calendared holidays?

[preraph]

^ Yes, she's a friend. I mean, we don't get together often, but not just at holidays, though I do have one friend who is on that status with me ever since she got a boyfriend! But she took me out to eat and gave me a nice plant. I even asked that friend this time if it was getting to be too much and mentioned because now we only see each other on birthdays and Christmas. She said she wants to keep it up. Her bf keeps her real tied up and she's tired through the week (she has some bad arthritis), but she said she looks forward to it. So that was nice. She and I used to go out a lot on Sundays. To me, it is weird only seeing her twice a year.

 

But yeah, Margo, dunno. Margo and I text and call some and try to get together every 2-3 months, which is fine. Right now she is on a diet, so she's not as open to doing things right now trying to stick with that. It's not a one-way relationship. She calls or texts as often as I do. We have old gang in common so there's sometimes a bit of gossip to talk about. Recently someone's wife died, that sort of thing. We are girlfriends.

 

Cautiously Optimistic, you're right, I will use "sad" rather than "mad as a wet hen" when we talk.

 

Thanks for all the points of view. I'm taking it all in and appreciate them all as well as the BD wishes. I'm still on my birthday week, though today something possessed me and I mopped the floors, which is strictly against birthday week tradition, but it sure feels better in bare feet! Next on my bucket list: The dogs' semi-annual hose bath.

 

The good news: Due to inclimately hot weather, I still have hummingbirds. Sometimes they go right on the day before and it's been rare are around on my actual birthday. But just saw one, although the Big Mama seems to have flown. She was so big.

[The Outlaw]

I know birthdays are more important to some than others, but the best thing I think you can do is just to sit her down and tell her how you really feel about it. I guess that's what I'd do given the circumstances, because we all want to feel special or acknowledged on days that are important to us. Since you like hummingbirds, check this out

[preraph]

Outlaw, I wish I knew what the secret was how people get there hummingbirds to all feed around each other and at the same feeders because mine have big fights about it. This year was a little better than any other year in that the male two words here first did try to run off the next bird that came for a couple of days but eventually left it starts feeding. But I have never seen two at the same feeder at the same time.

 

Then the male migrated and the scrawny female he had tried to fight off that he finally let feed was here for a little while and then she migrated.

 

Then a massive female showed up and she only put up a small fight but let the smaller one and I think the big one left. It's time for them to migrate. but really that is the most tolernce I've seen in all my years here feeding them.

 

I remember years when I had my favorite black-chinned who came back year after year for a and he came in the spring but then when theand he came in the spring but then when the rubies showed up he had to leave because they bullied him. I tried putting more feeders but the dominant bird would just try to guard them all, plus I couldn't keep ants out of the ones hanging from trees. Also I'm down to one feeder right up by the window now.

 

I have lots of neet birds. I get these mixed small bird finches in chickatee flocks that come around more than once a year.

[The Outlaw]

I’m sure there’s a how to guide on how to attract more than one. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen more than one at a time myself, and it’s been a few years. My mother loved them, among butterflies and dragonflies. Not trying to get sentimental at all, but sometime after she died, I went to visit her grave. And all three made an appearance.

[crispytoast]

Perhaps having more than one feeder might encourage them to get along. When there's only one source, they might not recognize that there's enough for them all to eat. If there's more sources the more dominant hummingbirds might not be as aggressive.

[preraph]

I had two further apart for awhile, but they still fought. But also, ants get in all of them except the one I have hanging under the eve, so more than one isn't very practical. Well, maybe if I had someone to install another hook under the eve, but I don't....There are nearby neighbors who are also feeding them.

[The Outlaw]

I guess it was just right time right place for whomever took that video. But like I said, I've never seen more than one and I can believe they would be very territorial just like other animals.

[Foxhall]

I guess it is different for everyone but maybe this is an example of the slight difference between friends and family,

 

family will always remember birthdays, but friends sometimes will not, particularly if they have their own troubles at a particular time, or are mentally somewhere else.

 

You still have a reasonably good friendship so perhaps best to say nothing or very little although I understand it being annoying for you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ya know, I was thinking about this post last night because something my daughter said/did reminded me of my friend (whom my daughter adores) and then I realized today was her birthday so I sent her an early text. I've been friends with her for over 25 years and there's no way I'd ever forget her birthday or she'd forget mine. I have a handful of friends like this. And while I really do not care at all about my birthday, not having my closest friends remember would really hurt. And as I tried to analyze why I felt that way I realized it's not because of my actual birthday being acknowledged, but the friendship and longevity of it. It's an opportunity to say, "Isn't it so awesome that we have each other and are still great friends after all these years?"

 

Of course you can say that any day of the year (and I'm blessed that my friends and I do this), but it hurts to not have it said on your birthday .

[preraph]

Thanks, CO. My feeling is there's this little thing called a calendar and reminders.....I switched back to paper calendar after reminders began expiring or charging. I put a note a couple weeks before so I remember to get something for them and then on the day of, but I remember it all anyway.

 

I do have some of that thing I talk about on here sometimes, where I expect friends to do what I'm willing to do for them. I mean, not on a grand scale. Just make the effort to remember and acknowledge it. There's no excuse for that anymore. Send a card or at least a phone call. But remember, that's the important thing. Act like you care.

 

Sometimes less is more, though. I have one friend who will get some little something gifty and then enclose a gift certificate, and then I try to reciprocate in kind and I know she loves gift certificates best. But this year, it was a gift (plant, nice one), no certificate, and I'm kind of relieved because I'd rather do gift or certificate, and not both necessarily. I've got to get that plant in the ground though.

[preraph]

Update: So over the weekend (after my BD a few days), my friend called just as a matter of course. So just chatting. I waited to see if she would bring up my BD and she didn't, so I just told her I'd taken the week off around my birthday and who I'd seen and what I'd done and took y'all's advice and told her it made me sad I didn't hear from her.

 

Then I made plans to do something with her daughter the next day and when I went to get her, my friend had gotten me a belated card with a donkey on it and a bouquet of lillies. She just said she had been too tired/busy. I know she felt bad, but I'm still probably going to get her a calendar....I mean, tired and busy, we're all tired and busy. Point is, she didn't even remember. But anyway, back to business as usual. Thanks for letting me rant and all the good advice.

[The Outlaw]

Just one more thing, sometimes people get tangled up with other things in their lives and just unfortunately tend to forget, but I'm glad she made it right.