My ex boyfriend manipulated me & used me for a type of sex I wasn't comfortable with

[bluesunflower]

Study showed men in general are mostly friendly with exes to gain access to sex.

Women in general are friendly with exes mostly to just be friends or because they want them back...

 

It really does make sense. It's a shame it's so common. Thanks for the insight!

[bluesunflower]

Refocusing your efforts to expand your friend circle sounds like the best bet. Best wishes.

 

I'm definitely working on it! I've made a friend at work and am trying to build up that circle. I also asked a new friend to do something this weekend instead of going to the other friends. Thank you!

[bluesunflower]

If he has long-term history with this friend group, it may make sense to remember the old adage "birds of a feather flock together." Although it may take a little effort to form a new group of friends, in the long run you may end up being much better off for it!

 

Thank you for your input! This was a very kind and warm response.

 

I always wondered what it would take for them to break away from him, and yes he has treated them all poorly as well. Each of them has multiple examples of him being awful to them, but he's always easily forgiven, especially from me. I'm actively working on building a new friend group. It's scary and I'm already dreading the loneliness but it's definitely for the best. Thanks again!

[bluesunflower]

He used and abused you. You let him in hopes of reuniting. Then he just dumped you again.

 

I beg you to now realize and fully understand that he is not the man who hoped he was nor a man you can continue to give your love to. You need to face the reality that he is not a good boyfriend for you and he's not who you hoped he'd be and the move on and leave him thoroughly behind and block him every way possible.

 

I definitely plan to. He's still blocked on all platforms and his number is blocked as well. Thank you for your support!

[bluesunflower]

What an utter and complete douchebag.

 

Be kind to yourself, OP. I'm glad you've gone NC with him, be sure not to waver in that. In the future, stand firm with your hard limits and don't give in to anyone - if they don't respect your limits, they don't respect or care about you, and you really don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about you.

 

I completely agree. I'm happy to report he's blocked on everything and I intend to keep it that way! Hopefully in the future I do stand firm with other guys and learn to put up with less. I'm worried I'll end up in a similar situation since I seem to take a lot. My therapist always says, "You'll accept the unacceptable." We're working on changing that. Thank you for your input!

[bluesunflower]

OP, i completely feel you. I have gone thru similar phases in my life when I fell for manipulative and evil guys and was used and abused many times till I learnt to stay away from them.

 

I have few things to tell you:

 

 

Thank you for your comment! It's upsetting that a lot of people on this website have gone through something similar, but it is good to know that we can all relate to each other and vent while being understood.

 

I am currently in therapy, working on what you suggested. She has looped it back to my childhood, as I think a lot of therapists do. At first I was skeptical but there are a lot of parallels so I do think that it deserves some exploring. Hopefully that will help fix the problem a bit and make me stronger.

 

He is blocked on all platforms and his number is blocked so I am doing well there!

 

Making new friends is top priority for me right now. I've been inviting people out and socializing as much as I can, specifically at work. Hopefully I'll have a new group of friends to focus on soon.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate them and it made me feel better.

[vla1120]

It sounds like you have everything under control, right down to the therapist telling you not to accept the unacceptable! I just wanted to share that my daughter had a rough breakup with a guy from her friends' group (a lot of them have been friends since elementary school.) She finally decided she had to distance herself from this group of friends in order to move forward. That was over a year ago. It was rough for awhile, but she is making new friends and finding new interests and you will, as well. Best of luck to you!

[bluesunflower]

I agree with this. It's never a good idea to only have friends who are connected to a bf/gf because of cases just like this. You break up and now you only have his friends to hang out with when you should have your own. It's different with married people who know they are going to be in each other's lives for the long haul. I always keep 3 sets of friends because ya never know.

 

I totally agree, and even did prior to knowing my ex, but I was in a weird situation. I moved to a new city (Florida to PA!) so it was scary and I was super lonely for the first two weeks. I didn't know anyone and was living in a studio apartment by myself. When I met my ex after those two weeks, it was intoxicating. I saw him all the time, and here I have a whole new group of friends just like that. It was so effortless. Suddenly I had plans every night and I was super happy. If I thought ahead and didn't have this problem of just living in the moment, I could have maybe prevented this issue by focusing on making other friends outside the circle. But it was just so easy and fun, and this group hangs out multiple times a week so I didn't have any free time to even look.

 

In future relationships, this will be a big deal for me. I will always make sure I have friends outside the friend group. Luckily, I intend on sticking in this area for a while so I think I'll be able to have some friends and not rely on the friends of future significant others.

[preraph]

I'm glad you're working with a therapist about it. A lot of naive inexperienced women put up with too much, thinking they can change a man and having faith that he loves them or knows what love is even, so they keep trying and just tolerate everything thinking if they love him enough, he has to love them back and be nice.

 

Simply not true. Like your therapist said, you put up with too much. You need to set some boundaries. It might help to actually sit down with your therapist and write some down, rules to follow, and run them through your mind when you're in a situation. One such basic rule might be, Don't reward bad behavior.

 

Another might be, Am I trying harder or more invested than him? If so, take a step back and wait and see if he ever reciprocates more.

 

Another: Don't stay after someone says or does something mean to me that makes me feel bad.

[bluesunflower]

However, because this guy manipulates to prove he can, I would be very tempted not to remove myself entirely from his social circle, but to stick with my genuine, good friends and to make damn sure he does not get a second chance to manipulate me. By the sound of it, this guy will try again, especially if you seem to be having fun with others. Knowing I was going to turn him down if he even tried to speak to me would be quite gratifying. But, it is your choice how to deal with him.

 

I think once you have recovered from this guy's toxic 'affections', you will find someone special who treats you with respect. It's a hard lesson but you know what kind of person to avoid now and you sound very insightful. I think you are a strong person who can use your experiences to make a better life for yourself.

 

Thank you! I really appreciate you seeing the strength in me, as I certainly do not feel very strong at the moment. Everyone has been so kind and I am incredibly thankful - it has really helped me genuinely feel better.

 

I will be cutting off the group - however, I do intend to keep the only other girl in the group as a friend since she is one of my very best friends and told me she would not care if she did not have to see any of them ever again. Her boyfriend is in the group, which is why she is in it by default, kind of like I was. She is upset by my ex's actions and how none of the guys seem to mind. So, I will continue being friends with her.

 

There's one other guy I may consider still being friends with (we have two concerts coming up together, just the two of us that I do not want to back out of). However, I think it will be really casual and eventually I will cut him off as well; his ties to my ex are really strong and although me and him are quite close, I can't imagine him ever choosing sides. And I don't really want him to either - I just think I need to distance myself from him over time. So, in the end, I will have one friend from the friend group left. She wants to start new along with me and has asked if she can tag along to my work outings. I am lucky to have her.

 

Thank you again for your insight.

Edited September 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bluesunflower]

I kindly suggest you go to a therapist to help you figure out why you keep going back to this guy and why you allowed yourself to do such things with him when you were not even in a committed relationship.

 

Luckily, I am already in therapy and have been for a while so we have discussed in length this issue I have. She believes it is because my relationship with my mother is of a similar nature; sometimes we are super close and share a lot of love and others we can go a long time without talking because of anger and harsh words exchanged. I love my mother of course but we have always had that on-off relationship so my therapist believes this is why I stuck it out so long with my ex boyfriend.

 

I am skeptical when therapists blame everything on childhood but I do see some parallels and it makes sense. Now that I recognize it, I do not know the next step. Obviously there is self-care and affirmations and setting boundaries. I guess it's just going to be working on myself for a while and hoping I build up the strength.

 

Thank you for your input - I'll be hoping to hear about those fleas.

Edited September 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bluesunflower]

Yikes. Resolve to steer clear of this guy.

 

People probably won't like this suggestion, but since you know he'll be back, once you truly have your confidence back, you could let him talk you into going into a bar and then leave with someone else (not necessarily to do anything, but he won't know that). That should stick in his craw pretty well.

 

But really the mature (and correct) thing is to do whatever you need to do to emotionally heal from this and move on completely.

 

If you do ever encounter him again, realize that A) he'll almost certainly never change and B) if he claims he did, let him apologize but then have nothing further to do with him. Life's tough enough without people like this in it.

 

I like your suggestion! It would feel pretty great. However, I am cutting him off completely at this time. I have him blocked on everything still which is so weird for me (as usually I am at his beck and call) but it feels amazing knowing he can't hurt me. It's like I have a bit of power because there is no way he can reach out.

 

The one thing I'm not sure about is birthdays of our friends. I think I'll see how I feel at the time (I still have two months until the next one) but I'd hate to miss out on birthday parties because of him being there. I'll take it day by day - I may skip out but I'll see how I feel. Otherwise, I do not want to see him at all so I will be saying no to everything else (and have already turned down two invitations, which is unheard of for me, especially knowing he'd be there).

 

An apology down the road would be awesome, but I won't be counting on it. And no worries, I know now that he'll never ever change.

[preraph]

For the nearest birthdays, don't go if it's a party, but get together with your friend ahead of time and let them know you can't come to the party but don't say why, just that you already have plans, so she can't gossip to him about that. I'm glad you have him blocked.

 

 

Then maybe after a year has passed, you can be in the same room, though I wouldn't bet on it. He's going to be a problem probably.

[bluesunflower]

It sounds like you have everything under control, right down to the therapist telling you not to accept the unacceptable! I just wanted to share that my daughter had a rough breakup with a guy from her friends' group (a lot of them have been friends since elementary school.) She finally decided she had to distance herself from this group of friends in order to move forward. That was over a year ago. It was rough for awhile, but she is making new friends and finding new interests and you will, as well. Best of luck to you!

 

Thank you so much. I don't feel very in control but I'm hoping I'll gain some strength soon. I am happy to hear that your daughter has found a new circle and new interests - that is amazing. Hopefully I'll be on my way there too!

[bluesunflower]

I'm glad you're working with a therapist about it. A lot of naive inexperienced women put up with too much, thinking they can change a man and having faith that he loves them or knows what love is even, so they keep trying and just tolerate everything thinking if they love him enough, he has to love them back and be nice.

 

 

That is exactly how I felt. Unfortunately, this is not even the first time this has happened to me. I always thought I could change guys in the past and hung around too long because I thought if I loved them enough, they would eventually love me just as much back. It's definitely a serious problem I have.

 

Thank you for your input!

[bluesunflower]

For the nearest birthdays, don't go if it's a party, but get together with your friend ahead of time and let them know you can't come to the party but don't say why, just that you already have plans, so she can't gossip to him about that. I'm glad you have him blocked.

 

 

Then maybe after a year has passed, you can be in the same room, though I wouldn't bet on it. He's going to be a problem probably.

 

That would be difficult only because they're always planned a while in advance. Our friend group is big on birthdays and many of them rent out rooms in restaurants, make big facebook groups, etc. It would be hard to say that I had other plans when I knew about it at least one month in advance.

 

However, I could still not go but maybe say something else. At this point, they all know about our back-and-forth nature so I'd probably be transparent and just say I didn't want to see my ex. And if that did get back to him, I wouldn't really mind as I'll have him blocked and if he's not in my life, I won't be caring about what he thinks of me. I know that it is best to seem unaffected and confident for sure after a break-up, but I have been incredibly candid with my friends in the past about how he has made me feel so it would be phony-seeming if I cited another reason for not showing up.

 

And yes, he'll probably always be a problem! Thank you for your advice.

[preraph]

Well, I still would avoid it at first. Wait until you are less vulnerable and give him time to settle down and accept it's over.

 

But then what you should do is take a date to the party and explain to them that you do not want them to leave your side and why. Don't give him a chance to catch you alone. If you go to the ladies room, your date stands outside the door. If you don't have a real date, have a male friend do this as a favor for you.