Recovering from childhood trauma / parental abuse

[Soak]

Honestly, i wish i didn't have to post this bundle of joy,mbut it's been on my mind lately.

 

To summarise in dot points (to make it easier):

 

- mum had a sudden personality change when i was 8 and my parents divorced.

 

- turned from a fairy tale mother into a hateful beast who openly admitted to having children was a way to move out of strict catholic home, and that having children ruined her life (stopped her from having opportunities / a career)

 

- used to fly into ascerbic rages, mostly targetting me, and physically beat me, including dragging me out of the shower at age 8, punching me in the back. Punching me in the back on several other occassions.

 

- slapping me across the face on several occassions, ranging from age 8-10, 11

 

- frequently putting me down emotionally and verbally

 

- favouring my sibling over me

 

- ignoring any signs of distress and NO soothing behavious for any issues i experienced growing up

 

- constant ups and downs and mood chanes for 11 years (until i left home at age 19)

 

- frequent blame and constant paranoia for things i did not do

 

All of this made me feel unworthy. I turned to drugs and alcohol as a comfort. I turned to drama- filled, crappy relationships as a distraction. I've constantly accepted scraps as a substitute for 'love' (thinking that if somebody is nice to me, they love me).

 

#%%^, i am a screwed up human being.

 

I'm in my late forties and don't believe there is any hope for me.

 

It's only recently that i've been able to accept love, and that is from older family members who recognise this has been hard on me (the verbal abuse continued well into my adult life).

 

Right now, i don't want to see or deal with my mum, and don't really want to deal with people intimately at all.

 

I feel that my whole self-concept has been an illusion, eg, the reason i looked down and devalued myself is based on a false premise- that i am a ****ty person and derserve **** in my life.

 

It has never occurred to me that i might be alright and that this is a story i was bought and sold on.

Thanks for getting this far if you have. Maybe it's been cathartic for me. One thing for sure is that i can't hide my head in the sand anymore.

 

In a way, i have to embrace how **** i feel and how empty i probably am. There's no other way.

[Mr. Lucky]

It has never occurred to me that i might be alright and that this is a story i was bought and sold on.

Thanks for getting this far if you have. Maybe it's been cathartic for me. One thing for sure is that i can't hide my head in the sand anymore.

 

In a way, i have to embrace how **** i feel and how empty i probably am. There's no other way.

 

Well, it's almost a cliche to ask about therapy, but it's very difficult to work through these FOO issues on your own. And, as you said, so far drugs, alcohol and "drama- filled, crappy relationships", haven't worked for you .

 

Have you spoken to a counselor about these feelings?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soak]

Have you spoken to a counselor about these feelings?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have sought therapy at various stages over my life Mr Lucky. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find a good counsellor, well a good-fit. It is also extremely expensive, which is prohibitive imo. I'll keep my eye open though.

 

I think just admitting this to myself will make a world of difference. It's like i have to reframe my entire self-concept from i was a crappy child, therefore i deserved that (didn't deserve love) to 'i might be a worthy human being that actually deserves what most other people have', which is normality, consistency and love.

[amaysngrace]

Check out a women’s shelter. They deal with abuse all day every day. If there’s no one there who specifically deals with parental abuse they may be able to suggest someone who could help you but it’s a very good place to start.

 

It’s very impressive that you have enough self-awareness to be able to recognize the damage that’s been done. That puts you far ahead of so many others out there.

 

You’re going to be okay, just try to go easy on yourself. There’s a reason you numbed up and it’s because you weren’t ready to handle it then so try not to beat yourself up about the time that’s passed either. You were getting by on coping mechanisms but thank goodness for whatever they’ve been... they helped you cope and you’re still here so that makes you a survivor.

 

Love and hugs xo

[Beendaredonedat]

In a way, i have to embrace how **** i feel and how empty i probably am. There's no other way.

I don't think you have to "embrace" it but rather work through it, process it and then let it go.

 

Start by googling "Nurturing Your Inner Child" and go from there. With knowledge and the help of a good therapist proficient in inner child nurture, you just may be able to put all of it behind you and flourish.

 

Good luck. I hope you have the motivation to do Inner Child work so that you can move on from the unnurturing administrations of your mentally ill mother.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll keep my eye open though.

 

Not sure if you're in a major city, but many universities and affiliated hospitals have affordably priced counseling through their teaching programs, some charge based on your ability to pay.

 

A good therapist can get to heart of the matter fairly quickly, assuming you're cooperative. You seem motivated to change, hope you take some proactive steps...

 

Mr. Lucky