How to deal with Intrusive Ex

[Big Aus]

Ok, so brief history again:

My ex is a narcissistic sociopath with delusions. She rarely considers others, except through her own filter. She takes after her own mother, who was an evil domineering psycho. My ex has never had a decent relationship with any of our daughters, but was closer to our sons.

 

I still loved her, put up with her abuse, and did my best to hold the family together. Almost two years ago she decided her life would be better without us and simply walked out. She walked out at Christmas, and left at a particularly stressful time for our youngest son.

Since that day she has not provided any support or help, or any description, for any of her children. In fact she has hit them up for loans.

 

Over the years she has made several bizarre delusional allegations against me, all without a scintilla of truth. After walking out she told other people that I was the one who broke up the marriage.

She has further alienated our daughters not just with these lies, but by telling them how much better her life is with nobody to care for but herself.

(Which is a sick joke, because she never took care of anyone but herslef anyway.)

 

My daughters are happy to have nothing to do with her. I PUSH them all to make sure they visit her and buy her gifts for Mothers Day and her Birthday.

I always ensure she is invited to birthdays and Christmas.

I gave the kids the options of two Christmasses, or have it with their mother or her family, but they're not interested.

 

Whenever she wants anything, from anybody in the family, she will get our youngest son to ask. (He's 19, but still very upset over her leaving, and struggles emotionally.)

The way she uses him is manipulative and really pisses me off.

 

I still loved her, and it took me a long time to get past the breakup.

I don't hate her, I just want nothing more to do with her.

 

We have a family tradition, a day that we spend. We've done it every year, going back over 20 years. It continued and adapted, even as the older children transitioned into adulthood. I instigated it, I have always paid for it, and she would sometimes only participate if bribed, and sometimes not all.

 

I don't rightly recall the last time she participated. It obviously wasn't last year, and not even the year before when we were still together.

 

Now she wants to push her way back into this day, and of course she has tried to do it through our son.

It's a full day, and its not a passive activity where we can just sit and ignore each other.

Even my daughters have said its not a good idea.

 

My son doesn't really understand. He would just like things to go back to the way they were and have both his parents.

[Maddie82]

Sounds like you will all be much better off if you just cut her off completely. You and the kids need to completely block any contact from her. She is just a thorn in everyone's side. None of you need that so why make any effort if she just doesn't care and is only out for what benefits her.

[d0nnivain]

Your children are adults. You no longer have to facilitate their relationships with their mother. It's now up to them & if she burned those bridges, well you can't force the adults to spend time with her. You can & should encourage but maybe less then you are doing.

 

Do not tell the 19 year old anything. Ask him questions. Does he think it's fair to his siblings to force them to spend time with mom? Assuming that things can't ever go back to a happy family, what is it that he wants? How does his ideal relationship with his mother look? Make sure he knows that your favorite thing about his mother is that she gave you him but beyond that you just can't make it work with her despite how much you love him.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's a full day, and its not a passive activity where we can just sit and ignore each other.

 

Why on earth would you want to do this at this point in your life?

 

You put in the hard yards and held things together while your kids were young. Now that they're all adults, your 19-yr old included, let them find their own way with her, all or nothing.

 

(Beyond) time to let this go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

My son doesn't really understand. He would just like things to go back to the way they were and have both his parents.

 

He's an adult. Explain to him that neither you nor his siblings want your ex wife there and that it's normal for divorced people to no longer share family traditions because they're no longer family.