How effective will couple's therapy be?

[lm0905]

We have been together for 3 years, living together for about 1 year. We moved in together when we relocated across the country. When we moved, we agreed that we would try the new city for a couple of years before we moved back to our hometown (do it while we are young and don't have kids).

 

Well, turns out that I did not like the move as much as he did. My job/company was terrible (I've been here for a year; Long story short: reported to HR a few different sexual harassment comments made to me by my direct male supervisor, and they did nothing, as well as just not a good company). I also did not try to go out and make friends (no excuse for that, really). Whereas my boyfriend found a great opportunity and a good company (he hasn't gone out and made friends, but did join a couple of sports leagues).

 

I have decided that I am going to move back home in 3 weeks, while he stays for an extra 2 months to help his company transition is replacement well. This will be the first time we'll be 'apart' for 2 months, as for the past year we have literally spent all day, every day together.

 

On to the issue: for the most part, we have a great relationship. We share the same deep, important life values, have a lot of the same interests, as well as we just get along great. There has been a few issues that popped up, such as him feeling like I act immaturely sometimes, me not being as emotionally strong, and me not growing as much/working on myself. This has come up a few times in the past year.

 

Things came to head a few weeks ago where we just had a serious talk about our relationship and everything. We kind of worked it out, but then this past Monday he told me that he's 'not sure' what he wants. Part of him wants to be with me and spend his life with me, but then the other part is worried that we are growing apart too much (which honestly, I think saying that after this 1 hard year is not a fair assumption. I can see how he'd feel like that if it was continuous, but this only started happening a couple of months ago).

 

I also told him that these 2 months apart, albeit not ideal, but it'll be good for us since for the past year, we have spent pretty much all day, every day with each other (outside of work) and that us having our own lives outside of each other will be good. It'll also show him how much I'm growing since seeing me every day makes it hard to notice any difference (it's like having a puppy and not seeing it grow every day since you are seeing it all the time, whereas someone who doesn't see the puppy often will notice the growth). He thinks that me thinking the 2 months apart is 'good for us' is 'unhealthy', but I just think he doesn't get it.

 

I know that there is some things that I need to work on, I have been reading articles, books, and listening to self-help podcasts.

 

He said that if after the 2 months apart, if things aren't 'better', then maybe we just don't talk for a month or so, so I can can 'grow' and mature without him being there to 'coach' me, but that seems like a last resort and if everything that I plan on fixing gets worked out when we are apart for the 2 months, I don't think this will be necessary.

 

I offered that we go to couple's therapy, as I think that seeing a third-party person to help us talk out our problems will be very beneficial. I also told him that him thinking that he could find a 'perfect partner' is unrealistic/naive since not one person is perfect, and couples are able to have some differences.

 

After Monday, I told him, 'maybe we should go see a couple's therapist' and BF's response was, 'if you think it will help, then make an appointment'. So we have a therapy session scheduled this weekend, and if that goes well, I'd like to go again one more time for I move back in 3 weeks.

 

I've tried not being emotional with him, but it's been pretty hard. Last night, I told him, "I am not giving up on us" and he told him, "if me coming with you to therapy on Sunday that I am not giving up either, then I don't know what else to tell you". But when I've been crying, he's told me that it is only hurting me if when something gets hard, I just cry. I need to be strong because that's when things 'get done'. I know he loves me, he tells me it all the time, but our relationship at the moment isn't the same because we can't just act like everything is ok, when it is not. So while we are being civil and fine with each other, it's not all lovey-dovey like it usually is

 

I don't think my relationship is over, I think we can get through this 'cross road' (it's really been our only crossroad we have been through together). I think seeing the therapist will help me with being strong, independent outside of him, and my personal growth outside of the relationship. And help BF with seeing that not every relationship is perfect, you are allowed to have some differences, and these 2 months apart will be good.

 

Will couple's therapy help or will it be a waste?

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend wants you to be someone you're not, you don't need therapy, you need to call it quit.

 

Therapy is something you try when you're in a long term relationship with children. When you're dating and cannot survive your first year living together it simply means you're not compatible and therapy cannot fix not being compatible.

 

Sure you're stressed from moving and everything at work, but difficult times should bring you closer, not rip you apart, especially it's just the 2 of you with no children. If you cannot survive your first year together, how can you make it 20 or 30 & 40.

 

 

.

[lm0905]

@Gaeta...

 

All of his points are valid, they have also been noted by other people. There is several things that I do that one would call, 'immature' and 'not acting your age'. I never felt the need to change, but I guess I just never cared? But now that I have the desire to build a career (where I didn't before), I want to change and be the most mature person that I can be.

 

The living together part was fine. We never have argued once about it. I just think maybe we should have lived together for a little bit before we moved across the country,

 

But I have to disagree with you on the 'timeline' for when you should or shouldn't be in couple's therapy. You don't have to be married or have children to do therapy together. We've been together for 3 years and are adults, we are allowed to do therapy together.

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

You're allowed to go to therapy after 1 month dating if you wish but what does that say about your relationship? I personally don't believe in couple's therapy. I believe in working on yourself then it helps your relationship - if both parties are genuine.

 

If you feel you are the one that needs growing than maybe you should seek personal therapy. Is your boyfriend willing to stick around while you take 2-3 years to mature? Maybe it'll take longer. I have a cousin that matured at 40, I was married and a mother at 21, considered extremely mature. You don't know how long it'll take for you to reach the maturity you're looking for, you may never get there.

 

What are those things you do that your boyfriend doesn't consider mature? Might it be caused because you come from different background?

 

 

.

[lm0905]

You're allowed to go to therapy after 1 month dating if you wish but what does that say about your relationship? I personally don't believe in couple's therapy. I believe in working on yourself then it helps your relationship - if both parties are genuine.

 

I think couple's therapy is good to have a third-party perspective.

I feel myself already growing and making changes. Honestly? I feel like I can make the needed/necessary changes in just 3-4 months. It won't take me years. When I focus on something and put my mind to it, I can get it done well and I can get it done quickly.

 

I was going to individual therapy, but since moving here, I had to stop going since I was living on my own and it was expensive. Since I will be moving back and, in the mean time, moving in with my dad, I won't have any rent to pay and I will resume my individual therapy. I know this will help me a lot,

 

In terms of backgrounds, we both grew up in upper-middle class families in the same city and the same religion. But, my parents definitely 'babied' me more than his and, you could say, gave me most anything I asked for. Compared to his family, where he was sent away two separate times in high school because him and his mom butt-heads a lot and didn't get along (they are good now). So he definitely had a different childhood than I did

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

I read a bit of your history and answered my own question. You do seem self-centered and not considerate toward others, especially toward your boyfriend. You pick battles that aren't worth it like fighting over toiletterie bag in baggage, your bf and you make common plans to move across the country for 1 year and you don't stick to it and move back without him leaving him there, you both make plans to get engaged on a certain date and you want to move it up because you saw a pretty ring??! and you cry and nag for days and days when you don't get your ways.

 

I don't know what to tell you. You are who you are, some people are selfish all of their life and never understand why they're called selfish.

 

I really think you need personal counseling not couple's counseling and I don't even think therapy will change anything in you. Maturing is a personal process, not something you teach someone.

 

And unfortunately often people mature when they lose someone precious.

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

But, my parents definitely 'babied' me more than his and, you could say, gave me most anything I asked for.

Bingo, that's what you need to work on. You were taught about taking, not about giving, and relationships are all about give and take, and sometimes to make it work you have to give more than you take.

[lm0905]

I read a bit of your history and answered my own question. You do seem self-centered and not considerate toward others, especially toward your boyfriend. You pick battles that aren't worth it like fighting over toiletterie bag in baggage, your bf and you make common plans to move across the country for 1 year and you don't stick to it and move back without him leaving him there, you both make plans to get engaged on a certain date and you want to move it up because you saw a pretty ring??! and you cry and nag for days and days when you don't get your ways.

 

Ugh I know. I hate looking at my post history, because reading it makes me cringe. I have changed a lot since some of those older posts. It's very face-palm worthy.

Since bf's and my original discussion at the beginning of this 'crossroads' about a month ago, I have already felt myself making some changes. I am not as over-the-top, over-reactive, or getting overly excited about things.

I also regret making the decision to leave a year earlier than planned. I feel like I took the easy road out and that wasn't fair to my boyfriend.

I know they're not perfect, but reading a lot of the 'self-help' and personal growth books and website have helped me a lot.

 

But I will definitely be going back to therapy for, at least, once a week when I move back

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lm0905]

Bingo, that's what you need to work on. You were taught about taking, not about giving, and relationships are all about give and take, and sometimes to make it work you have to give more than you take.

 

Yup. It's something I've been working on recently - in general, trying to be more selfless and taking less than I give in the relationship. Definitely hasn't been easy, but I know the change is growing and I'll get there.

[BC1980]

After 3 years, my question would be: where is this relationship going? Do you want to get married? Have kids? If so, do you have the same goals?

[lm0905]

We had previously talked about getting married and future children. For the most part, we have the same goals but where his and mine differ are that he wants to make as much money as possible and grow a career, while of course money is good, I'd rather have a stable, strong career that doesn't pay as much.

But in general, our base/life values align

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BC1980]

Is there a timeline to get married? What are your ages?

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lm0905]

We originally talked about getting engaged within 6 months after October 2019 (obviously this is probably not going to happen, at least even if we fix things, it still wouldn't be our original timeline).

I just turned 26 and he's turning 29 in December

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BC1980]

It's encouraging that he wants to do couple's therapy, but, if you aren't even married yet and you're in therapy, I'm not sure that bodes well for the future. After three years, it's time to fish or cut bait with regards to marriage. It sounds like he's reconsidering if he actually wants to make that big of a commitment to you. Saying you are going to get married in the future is one thing. Actually doing it is another.

[kendahke]

Will couple's therapy help or will it be a waste?

 

How amenable is he to going to any therapist?

 

It will only be a waste depending upon why you are going to couple's therapy.

 

If your motivation is for him to adopt your way of thinking and abandoning what he truly wants for his life, then it'll be a waste of your time.

 

If your motivation is to correct issues that are sprouting in your relationship, individual therapy first might be the better alternative--and one your couple's therapist might suggest before going any further with her/him.

 

If I was you, I'd look into individual therapy first.

[lm0905]

How amenable is he to going to any therapist?

 

I've never asked him about seeing an individual therapist because I don't think his insurance covers any 'mental health experts', and it has been too expensive for him to go see one.

The couple's therapy is to help us with the issues in our relationship. I was going to a therapist by myself before I moved, but since moving here, it became too expensive. When I move back, and move in with my dad (hopefully only for the 2 months), then I will most likely go back to speaking with the therapist. I know I have my own things to work on individually, but I think the couple's therapist will be helpful as a third-party perspective

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Adding a sentence

[basil67]

With the couple's therapist, what are the things which matter to you which you think he doesn't understand?

[d0nnivain]

Couple's therapy is not going to help your relationship. The relationship isn't the problem. You are the problem.

 

I was a spoiled only child too but at some point you have to grow up & take responsibility for yourself.

 

You & your BF made the joint decision to move across country. He thrived in that move but you didn't. Instead of getting yourself a better job or trying to make friends, you expected him to be your sole source of everything: support, friendship, entertainment etc. Then you demanded that he move back home with you. For reasons I do not understand he said yes & his company is giving him 2 months to train the new person.

 

Yet, you are so selfish you can't even sit still for 60 days. You are running back home to mommy & daddy, where you will live because apparently you can't afford to put a roof over your own head even though you are the one who demanded the move back. Now you are whining that you don't know how you will survive two months without your BF. Are you kidding? How weak & needy are you? This man is doing everything you ask. You are dragging him around the country by his . . . & you're still not happy? OMG.

 

Your relationship will improve when you stop thinking the world revolves around you & you start taking responsibility for your own happiness & well being. Couples therapy won't fix that. Individual counseling might but you said you were in therapy before you & your BF moved so I have my doubts.

 

Frankly I wouldn't waste the money on couple's therapy at this point. Until you can become a mature fully invested partner who pulls her own weight nothing will improve.

[Lotsgoingon]

So what are the immature parts of yourself that he complains about--those ares where you need to "work on yourself"?

 

Couples counseling can work ... but you should know "talking" doesn't produce the result ... Deep mutual understanding and respect and learning how to negotiate and support each other is what produces the effect of any successful couples counseling. But really couples counseling requires both partners to be working equally hard, and both partners being equally open to insights.

 

The problem is that I don't think your partner thinks he needs any help. He's agreed to couples counseling, figuring the counselor will take his side and simply point out all the ways you are flawed. Nothing good comes from that.

 

I also sense you are working too hard to prove to him that he should date you. That doesn't work. Think about it: if you really don't believe that your partner knows what he wants to do as far as romance ... that a little persuading and talking ... will change his mind ... then implicitly you're saying your partner is an idiot. If we can't trust people when they say they do or do not want to date us, then we're saying we don't trust their judgment.

 

Individual counseling would help you work on yourself. But I'm a bit lost here ... maybe this was mentioned in another thread.

 

What exactly are you guys disagreeing and in conflict about? What is this immature behavior that you are saying you perform?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've never asked him about seeing an individual therapist because I don't think his insurance covers any 'mental health experts', and it has been too expensive for him to go see one.

 

I don't think the IC was a suggestion for your BF, it was meant for you.

 

Have to agree with d0nnivain's tough love, seems spot on.

 

A therapist once told me in any relationship there's three entities - the two people involved and the union itself. You were never really vested in nourishing the bond between you two and I suspect your BF's lost interest in doing all the heavy lifting himself.

 

Tough deficit to come back from, though I wish you well in trying...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lm0905]

So what are the immature parts of yourself that he complains about--those ares where you need to "work on yourself"?

 

Couples counseling can work ... but you should know "talking" doesn't produce the result ... Deep mutual understanding and respect and learning how to negotiate and support each other is what produces the effect of any successful couples counseling. But really couples counseling requires both partners to be working equally hard, and both partners being equally open to insights.

 

The problem is that I don't think your partner thinks he needs any help. He's agreed to couples counseling, figuring the counselor will take his side and simply point out all the ways you are flawed. Nothing good comes from that.

 

I also sense you are working too hard to prove to him that he should date you. That doesn't work. Think about it: if you really don't believe that your partner knows what he wants to do as far as romance ... that a little persuading and talking ... will change his mind ... then implicitly you're saying your partner is an idiot. If we can't trust people when they say they do or do not want to date us, then we're saying we don't trust their judgment.

 

Individual counseling would help you work on yourself. But I'm a bit lost here ... maybe this was mentioned in another thread.

 

What exactly are you guys disagreeing and in conflict about? What is this immature behavior that you are saying you perform?

 

My immature behavior is mainly me saying things without thinking of the repercussions of what I say, lashing out (not physically, nor yelling... Just getting a little heated) if something doesn't go my way, and sometimes not being able to have more 'serious' discussions without me getting emotional or offended.

 

I don't think it's more about me 'persuading' him to stay... Deep down, and I have no basis for this other than 'trusting my gut', I don't think he is done. I just think he needs to see the effort that I need to make to start acting my own age. If he didn't, he wouldn't have agreed to therapy in the first place.

 

Last night, after he filled out the therapy paperwork/questionnaire, I told him that I appreciate him agreeing to go to therapy and he said, 'It doesn't hurt to try'.

 

I was going to therapy on my own before moving here, but it got too expensive so I couldn't continue. When I move back, I will definitely be starting again

[lm0905]

Also, I know personally that for the past few weeks, I've been growing and working on myself. I don't think he can really see the changes that I have made, since he sees me every day. I think after the two months apart (besides him coming home for Thanksgiving), he'll really be able to notice the changes, since we wouldn't have been physically together for a couple of months.

It's like having a puppy, you see the puppy every day and you don't notice it growing because you see it all the time. Your friend only comes over and sees the puppy every couple of months, of course they are going to notice the change and growth of puppy more than you, the person that sees the puppy every day.

[elaine567]

I think in the two months apart he will learn to resent you.

In a short time, he has carved out a nice niche for himself and you are blowing it all up.

This was not a vacation, this was a career move and he had a great opportunity with a great company... He will now have to explain the "blip" on his CV...

[Gaeta]

Also, I know personally that for the past few weeks,

It takes more than weeks to change a life time behavior. You also don't know if you've really changed until you get into a disagreement and you can handle it like a mature woman. I know you want to change, and you wish to change, but there are a lot of distance between wishing and doing.

[lm0905]

It takes more than weeks to change a life time behavior. You also don't know if you've really changed until you get into a disagreement and you can handle it like a mature woman. I know you want to change, and you wish to change, but there are a lot of distance between wishing and doing.

 

I know it does. I've been really working hard for the past few weeks, and I know that change isn't going to happen overnight, but I know that if I continue to push myself and make the necessary changes, I can change it in the next couple of months.

 

On Tuesday, when we had our 'serious' talk about all of this, I actually handled it much better than I used to. And even my boyfriend said something. I normally would have just been crying, whining, etc. Instead, I wasn't showing emotion, I was laying out my opinion while being stoic, and having a civil conversation