Can couples live in separate States and remain in a healthy marriage?

[DragonzRoost]

Hello again guys, I am back to ask a serious question that relates to my marriage. I love my Husband dearly however, he has expressed so many countless times how much he adores California. He is absolutely head over heels for the State however, I am a Floridian and very much enjoy living in Florida. I have made it clear that I do not wish to move to California and would also like to remain in the Florida State. (Mind you, I also do not like being on planes and suffer terrible jet lag. Love to see them take off, hate to be the one in them.)

 

We had a trip this month for MIL's (Mother in laws) wedding and during this trip he had opened up to me about living in California. I agree that my assumptions about California were false however, I still remain firm about remaining in Florida. He came to the US from another Country and his Mother lives in another State, same with his Father. All my Family lives in Florida, so I am not use to being away from them. Farthest I've ever moved was nearly 2 hours away and that was awful..

 

I understand we should have had this conversation before marriage, but we didn't and married fairly quickly. He knew I wished to remain in Florida though, prior to being married and had no desire to live in California. (He hoped this trip would change my mind) We have the same wants for a future Family and he keeps reminding me that my Family is now with him to build. If he goes to California, he would like me to be there with him. When I went to visit California, I really thought it was beautiful and enjoyed the mountains on one side and ocean on the other. After a while, I got sick of seeing mountains and ocean on either side and started to feel very deserted. The trees were dry and there was no moisture in the air.

 

The guy (We will call him Micheal, who lives in California and is fairly wealthy with a nice home.) who is my MIL's Husband's friend, really praised California and raised reasons for us to live there. Opportunity, nice weather, ect. He told me that his Mother said to him, "You should leave and go travel." which he did. Mentioned that even though we have a home State that we grew up in, you have to travel to sometimes find better professions, money, ect. That night my Husband mentioned living in California again, to which confessed my feelings to him about not leaving Family behind, as well being in Florida. We had a pretty bad fight that night and I cried in bed, telling him how painful it was having to give up the dreams of having a Family with him, due to having different wants in our future.

 

Since I have been home, I have greatly thought about living in California. (I know this is very WRONG of me) but last night I told him he could consider going to California to try and find opportunity and the POSSIBILITY of me living there. I told him I am very much unsure still and there is no promise. Again I know this was wrong, but I feel so guilty that he can't live his dream of being in California and I do not want to prevent him or stand in the way of that. Now I feel different, with a feeling deep down that is telling me, (You cannot go, this is not your path, not your future plan, never was.) I don't know what to do and then a thought dawned on me that kinda twisted my stomach. What if our paths are truly different? What if his heart is set in California and mine is here? He shames me for not wanting to be in California to seek a better life, but I am not so sure what is best. Its kind of like looking down two foggy roads that have no clear direction.

 

The thought that crossed my mind was this.. If letting someone go, to be happy, live out there life without regret is considered love...should I let him go? Perhaps tell him "Listen, if you want to chase your dream of living in California then I support you however, I cannot go with you. If you wish to be in California, we will have to separate. I will never be upset with you, or angry, neither judge you for leaving, but my life is here." I don't know what to say to him anymore. What should I do and what is the right thing?

Edited September 26, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[DKT3]

This is a genuine impasse. No matter what happens there will be resentment and anger. If you go you will resent him, if you stay he will resent you if the marriage ends you will resent one another.

 

At the end of the day, I'm not sure you love him as much as you believe. Or at least not as much as you love the ideal of being in Florida. It would be one thing if you had tried it and it didn't work, you reject the idea so its difficult to see how you could love him as much as you say.

[DragonzRoost]

I do love him deeply (I do not question that, even if someone else might think otherwise on here.) and there is no doubt about this.

Would I resent living in California? Yes I would. Would I resent him for going? I would be heart broken, but I would not resent him. (That is the question I am asking)

Is it best to let him live that life, instead of being in this marriage with the chance that he will resent me for not living in California. I don't feel like he will truly be happy being with me and never being able to live in California again. I just have my heart stuck in this State and I've told him this. Its going to be difficult and very unlikely that I will live in another State. I've always wanted to remain in Florida to start a Family.

I would go with him to California, but I don't want to be away from my Family and made this clear to him before marriage.

I question whether he loves me though, more than the dream to live in California. I won't resent him if he leaves, because I've never had really a bad break up and hate when things are all about drama. I don't like it at all, so I do my best to avoid it. I feel he has a change of heart since getting married and now as he has a status to live anywhere he pleases, with the open opportunity for work, I feel his path has changed. When in California he was greatly happy, but coming back here is not.

Edited September 26, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[DKT3]

I dont understand you logic. If you consider giving up on your marriage as an option rather than try then it cant be the love you describe.

 

How you feel you love him but question if he loves you because you are on opposite side of this makes no sense.

 

Listen, what I'm hearing is you want things on your terms. As people we grow, adjust and move on. I once heard a father tell his daughter "your mother and I will be here another 25-30 years if lucky, this man offers you the prospect of 50-60 years of happiness." Point being he is your family.

[d0nnivain]

. What should I do and what is the right thing?

 

It's your life & only you know what is the right thing for your marriage.

 

Personally since you are married, unless something practical is holding you in Florida -- like family obligations to a dying relative -- I think you owe it to your husband to give him the chance to follow his passion. That said I would marshal the pros & cons of both states. Look at practical considerations like the costs of moving; the costs of living; where you will work; earthquakes vs hurricanes etc. then show your husband the list & really talk about it. Following a while hair would be an impractical expensive exercise but if there is a real plan & a good future, don't you think you need to give that a shot?

 

You say this has been solved but don't share the resolution. What did you two decide?

[basil67]

Sounds like both of you love your environment more than you love each other. To me, love is following your partner to the end of the world if need be.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand how something this important could be resolved between 5:30 when you 1st posted & 6:10 when you said it was resolved.

 

Do you always make such monumental decisions so quickly?

[RecentChange]

I am really curious to hear what the resolution was.

 

I am California born and raised. I have tried hard to fall in love with somewhere else and move away - but so far I just can't bring myself to it.

 

That said, I don't recommend moving here - not in it's current state to just about anyone.

 

The cost of living here has sky rocketed. The bay area where I live is more expensive than NYC.

 

Food is expensive, gas is expensive, housing is OUTRAGEOUS, commutes are long, over crowding is bad..... I could go on and on. It's not a place I would recommend for anyone wanting to start a family. Our young families are leaving in droves. The public schools are low ranked, private schools are expensive. Not a family friendly place.

 

Now, if you are a young single professional, tech, healthcare etc, and are guaranteed a salary north of $150,000 a year then perhaps it's an okay place to live. You could afford to rent an apartment here.

 

To buy in San Francisco for instance an income over $200k a year is needed. For a family of 4, an income of $100,000 is considered poverty line.

 

Granted our area is the most expensive, but also has the most opportunity. LA, San Diego etc are a bit more affordable, but not by much.

 

The middle class is getting priced out of the state.

[DragonzRoost]

I looked for other sources of advice on topics that were similar on other forums that were solved, many stating you cut the apron strings when married. Many also state the same thing in terms of being married and following your spouse, not refusing the possibility of moving somewhere new. Regardless this is going to be something we need to seriously sit down and discuss. I appreciate this advice though and will greatly consider it. Its far more helpful and I guess this is something I should had known before marriage.

Edited September 26, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[DKT3]

@recentchange...huh? Where in SD and LA is cheaper then SF? SoCal is much more expensive. That's funny

[DragonzRoost]

My Husband and I sat down to have a very serious discussion about the possibility of moving to California. I expressed everything in my previous thread to him about not wanting to move from FL (My home State) and he was surprisingly understanding about it. He then suggested that he apply for jobs in California and see if he can find a sturdy position there, as well establish some security before having me move there. In the meantime I could be down in FL going to college and trying to focus on finding a better career path. He said it would give me time to adjust and transition, given I've never lived outside the State. We are both unsure if this idea could work or if this is something that should be avoided.

 

Can marriages work if one spouse lives/works in another State and the other somewhere else? We are both seeking this advice and are greatly curious if others have done so successfully.

Edited September 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

It's possible in the short term if there is a concrete plan for the distance to end. Here you two have sooooo many other issues. I doubt you have the emotional maturity to do this.

 

You married for better or worse. As far as I can tell the only thing holding you in Florida is your own fears. Move with your husband already. At least at that point you can say you tried.

[devilish innocent]

Have you tried being apart while one of you was away for a week or two? My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for years before we were able to move to be together. At that point, it was the way the relationship had always been and we made it work. Then after we married and lived together, we had a situation where we had to be apart for just a week or so. Once we had gotten used to always being together being apart was much harder. I don't think I could go back to a long distance relationship at this point. That is not necessarily to say it might not work for other people. If you do decide to have him go to California before you, you might want to start by trying it out for just a week first to see if you feel you could survive a longer separation.

[alphamale]

it depends...do you have kids?

[DragonzRoost]

I agree that we have a lot of other issues that we have currently been trying to resolve and that might be one reason its not a good idea. He has stayed in California for a month due to work. We did pretty well however, we did have some fighting along the way not relating to distance. We currently do not have any children.

[alphamale]

since you don't have any kids by all means you can live apart

[DragonzRoost]

Also he had previously lived in California back in college for two years and had to leave due to the cost of living. He thinks its best that he move there first to see if its any better, before both of us up root our lives and move together. (In case he needs to return)

[Artdeco]

For me, living together in one household makes me cringe. I just don’t enjoy it. I just don’t want to do it. Most people think differently, but for me, LD or at least two homes is the only acceptable way of having a relationship. No kids here, btw.

[alphamale]

any where except LA would be good to live in, but it is very very expensive anywhere in CA

[Artdeco]

The OP is not asking whether or not living in California is a good idea. She is specifically asking about long distance relationships, and I don’t think it matters to her what U.S. states are involved.

[DragonzRoost]

Thanks for the advice, we agreed on trying this and him coming down to see me every few months or me going up there once in a while. He doesn't know how much California has changed (cost wise) and whether it will still be too expensive for us to live there. We also agreed about giving it possibly a week or another month and him staying with a relative friend to see how we do apart. We agreed to avoid living in LA, as its way too expensive and traffic is crazy.

[major_merrick]

For a short time, it might work. But distance allows fighting to increase and you also risk infidelity due to lack of physical contact.

[Artdeco]

M_m, That’s not my experience at all. But like I said, everybody’s different. Fighting actually decreases. Because fighting comes from resentment, and resentment comes from the same old same old day-in and day-out monotony. You just lose patience more quickly. And there’s a lot to talk about when you actually do meet up. Which, ideally, is twice a month for extended weekends. And, if you’re lucky, you get to enjoy 2 entirely different climates.

 

If both people have decent jobs, and are independent (and have no children), how can a R get any better? And even with kids, having (married) parents living in two different households, maybe in two different states, can teach them so much more than the average child will ever learn.

[d0nnivain]

You two need a better handle on the numbers before you try this. You say he's still there. Then why the heck doesn't he already know how much it will cost to live there. If he's clueless about the practicalities of chasing his dream then perhaps you would both be better served staying in Florida at least until he can figure out how he's going to support you in California.

 

 

DragonzRoost -- the more you post, the more I get the sense that neither of you plan anything & you both just act on impulse. That rashness will cause problems in the long run & reek havoc on your tenuous finances. In another thread you complained that you couldn't raise $500 by Christmas. If that is truly the case do not waste money being apart -- paying two apartments etc. plus spending money you don't have flying back & forth trying to hold your marriage together-- while he's trying to figure out if living in California is financially possible for you two. It's probably not.

[DragonzRoost]

I never thought about experiencing the two different climates, but that is something to look forward to for sure. I agree that us being apart, will help us to both build ourselves for a better and more stable future. As for the fighting, we never fought nearly as bad, as compared to when we were together prior to his work trip in California. We still bickered, but it was nothing too dramatic. I also understand Major's point as well, because there is always a risk of being apart for so long however, if I ever felt that I would drift to infidelity, I would either end thing or seek counseling. I could never cheat on my spouse and not place myself in their shoes, as I've been cheated on before and know how painful that is. I would need to further discuss with him about what to do should fighting increase or become a problem due to distance. I think once we have came to an agreement, the possibility of moving to California will be less fearful. It would give me a chance to experience the two back to back.

 

Thank you again for the much needed advice, it greatly helped us to see this from all angles. We still have a lot to consider before making this happen, but it helped us find a middle ground that is comfortable for the both of us.

 

He is not in California, but is back home in FL with me. We went there for 3 days to attend his Mother's wedding and came back two days ago. We are currently moving back near my town and I will be going to college and staying with Family. They suggested and offered to let us stay with them, because my Grandmother also needs help doing things she cannot do for herself. He knows California is expensive and left for that reason after going to school there years before we met. Now he wants to return (After going to Cali for the wedding) to see if there is opportunity and if the cost of living there is any better. I agree that I don't think its a good idea that we move there, but he loves California so much, that he is set on the idea. I've mentioned not wanting to move to California various times, but he will bring it up again. As for impulse, I am far from impulsive and will spent months on a decision before taking action. I am not comfortable doing things without great consideration. He on the other hand, is pretty impulsive. I still cannot afford a $500 gift because I am moving in less than a month and changing jobs. I am hoping to afford a nice gift for him, but agreed with getting him a gift card for the holidays if I cannot make that happen. I have been trying to not focus so much on getting him the wallet, than focusing on preparing for college.

Edited September 27, 2019 by DragonzRoost