Can couples live in separate States and remain in a healthy marriage?

[d0nnivain]

California is one of the highest cost of living states in the US. He needs to factor that in. The fact that neither of you seem to understand that is frightening.

 

Whether you can or should change schools since you are starting college also needs to be factored in here.

 

I truly believe that him moving without you at the juncture will destroy your marriage. Both of you are too self focused to see what your stubbornness is doing to your marriage.

[Blind-Sided]

..........

 

That said, I don't recommend moving here - not in it's current state to just about anyone.

 

..............

 

I too grew up in SoCal, and there was no better place to be a kid in. I lived between Disney Land, and Knot's Barry Farm. (Could ride my bike to either) I was close to the beach... an hour drive to the MTN's to ski... deserts for off-roading. I grew up in a tourist attraction. I loved it, and miss it. But, with that said... I agree that the cost of living has gotten nutz, and politically... well... it's nutz too.

 

 

I moved in my mid 20's to finish collage, and got trapped far way from there. At the time, my serious GF said she would love to get away from this "Hill-billy" part of the country, and go to SoCal. Once we were married... she changed her mind, and "Couldn't leave her family". I was crushed, but I loved her and stayed where we were.

 

 

Now that she has gone loony... and torn this family apart (20 years later) I'm truly trapped here since I can't relocate. (can't relocate the kids) I guess It's something I've always regretted in my marriage... but I wanted to be with her.

 

 

Now... with my story out of the way... if you really don't want to be there... get an agreement drawn up spelling out what will happen if you two divorce. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm now living your potential future. You are going for him... he should understand if you need to leave, what you expect.

[DragonzRoost]

I do understand that California is the most expensive State in the US. He has told me last night, that he plans to go no matter what I say, so there is not much I can do to convince him otherwise. His heart is set entirely on going and I've done everything I can to make him realise that it is not a good desicion or in our best interest. He made the suggestion of him going there first, and I've tried meeting him in the middle. I still expressed that I felt it was a bad idea to move to Cali in the next year however, when I would say this he would become annoyed. I'm not entirely sure how its stubborn, but in many ways I can see your point.

 

That does sound like my potential future and a scary one at that. Last night I told him that if he chooses to go, with complete disregard to my feelings about the matter, then he needs to accept the potential consequences of doing so, which is that our marriage could possibly end. (Neither of us want the marriage to end) This needs to be given extensive thought and both our feelings should matter in this. I would go for the sake of being with him but, I fully committed to college and can't move anytime soon in the next few years. He knows how I feel and though I am understanding that he wants to live in Cali, and he is willing to think of the possibility of our first discussion, he is becoming firm on the idea instead of just seeing it as a discussion and not a set plan. He wants to live in Cali (A dream to him) and says no one is going to stop him. Anyways I appreciate the help and this has allowed me to read back on these posts to consider everything. I have been taking a week to seriously think about this.

Edited September 27, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[d0nnivain]

Have you reminded him that he made a commitment to you too. Have you sat with him & shown him the #s? He's being selfish too.

 

Would you consider staying in Florida finishing your degree then moving to California with him? Have you told him that? To me, that sounds like a solid compromise because then you would be in a position to bring money into the marriage. If he can't see the logic behind that & insists on being a selfish impulsive child you best reconcile yourself to the idea that your husband is abandoning you & the marriage.

[Blind-Sided]

.............. He has told me last night, that he plans to go no matter what I say, so there is not much I can do to convince him otherwise. ..........................

 

Well.......................

 

 

Honestly... if that's his attitude, and he has no interest in hearing your input... then that's a huge red flag, and will only lead to problems later. In my story... I was already here, and was here for almost 4 years, and wanted to move back. That's entirely different than relocating. Not to mention, CA is a big state, and has every weather climate available. Almost tropic down in San Dago, beautiful around LA (but lower humidity than FL)... HOT in the deserts... rain/snow in the MTN's... fog/cool San Fran and up. Where does he want to go? At least if it's close to the weather you are in now... it won't be so bad.

 

 

I would hate to say to end it... but honestly... it may be the right thing. (Less pain, and fanatical issues now rather than later)

Edited September 27, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[mark clemson]

IMO LTRs are about being willing to make reasonable compromises and being able to sort out the tricky issues that life throws at you together so that each partner's needs are met to some extent.

 

There can be times when one or the other has to "give" in order to maintain the LTR, but simply declaring that I'm going to do this no matter what isn't particularly well-reasoned or fair. There seems to be a lack of ability to make reasonable compromises here.

 

This is setting a bad precedent. It sounds like you're going along and I don't actually think that's wrong BUT this needs to be a one time thing, not "the way decisions get made" in your marriage IMO. And yes, there is a real risk of this tanking the marriage that he should be made aware of. Definitely gauge his reaction when you bring that up.

 

A relationship can survive almost anything if both partners want it to continue. But this definitely isn't a good sign.

[DragonzRoost]

At times I feel this very well could be the end of our marriage and I know that is not a good way to think. Last night his reaction was just nodding his head and saying "Okay.." when I brought up the possible consequences of going without considering my feelings. Having this conversation was a matter of finding a middle ground, but nothing was set in stone..at least I made it clear that the chance of this happening wasn't a guarantee. Since I've met him, he has always praised California during us dating and been incredibly strong regarding his feelings to go back since marriage. When I married him, I thought we were on the same page about creating a Family here in FL, least that is what we both agreed to at the time. Since the trip to California for his Mother's wedding, his feeling has ignited once again with living in California, making him very firm on the idea of going back to seek opportunity.

 

I am slightly pissed (Might not be right) at my MIL's, Husband's friend (Micheal), who suggested we move up to California to find new opportunities. He really tried to convince me that giving up our life in FL to move else where with better economical living (In his opinion), would be the best thing. Mind you he has the financial means to live there, with a home that cost in the millions. We are not in that same financial situation to move to California (Which I have told H) and I need to stay in FL to continue college, which could take me years. We have talked about divorce in the past and things use to be very rocky with us on and off for the past year.

 

That is another reason why I feel going to California, especially being apart is not a good idea at all. We had plans to go to counseling and coach lessons, but every time I've mentioned these plans they either get swept under the rug, never brought up again, or I end up getting blamed for not pursuing the counseling when he said okay. The issue is that, when I would mention setting up counseling he would say we are fine and never take it serious..so I would just let it pass.

 

What is painful, is the thought of never being able to have a child. (Even though I know the situation is not cut out for a baby and its selfish to do so) There are many times where I have cried and been in a depressive state from it and confessed in California about the awful pain of giving up those imagined thoughts of giving birth, having a baby with the name I chose, holding a baby, throwing a baby shower, ect. Its painful because if we get divorced that will never happen and to an extent it makes me feel like a failure. He held me, but then quickly got upset when I mentioned my Family and that being one reason for not wanting to move. That emotionally and within our marriage we are not stable to live in California and also that I don't want to. Honestly, it feels like I have two paths I could go down and neither one has a clear result. The only difference would be I either go with him or be with myself.

 

I also feel bad for MIL because I am very close to her and I know that it will hurt her very badly if we separated. Neither one of us want this, but I feel the life he wants to live and the life I want to live, do not mesh with each other. We got married very quickly, within months of dating each other because he was going to end up either back in his Country or in another State for school. We were very connected, but I think we rushed so fast (Impulsive) that we truly didn't get to see that our relationship might not be long term. He doesn't agree with that, but its how I have been feeling for a long time. I don't regret my marriage, but I do regret getting married so quickly. I was going based on high emotions and the fog of lust/love that I didn't stop to think that this could be a problem.

 

I will say regardless, this is painful and it hurts to think that this could be the outcome.

Edited September 27, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[DKT3]

Yes its expensive to live...wages are also elevated. I'm in manufacturing, my responsibilities are over plants in 7 States California being one. As an Example, its common for my CNC machinist to make $50 plus an hour in California, by far the highest of the 7 state's under my coverage.

[basil67]

I'm loathe to call him selfish for wanting to go there despite you not wanting it when you're wanting to stay without him wanting that either.

 

I stick to my original comments on your last thread: both of you love your environments more than you love each other. If you can't work how how to live together, you may as well end the marriage and save the angst of LDR.

[BTDT2012]

We got married very quickly, within months of dating each other because he was going to end up either back in his Country or in another State for school.

 

 

Which one of you was pushing hard for marriage?

[chillii]

You two are sure at cross roads that's for sure.

l can see how you were in a corner with getting married but at the same time he sounded pretty set on California even then. Btw , a baby shower is a ridiculous reason to wanna get preg, but do you actually want children ?

l'm thinking counselings a waste of time it's not gonna make him wanna stay in your state or stop him wanting to live in California , l mean that's the issue causing all the crap.

Thing is , he might stay there for awhile but sooner or later he'll wanna follow that dream l'd say and it'll just hit the fan later.

l think it's more for you, whether you could live there and be happy because that's what it will come down to in the end sooner or later.

Maybe he could go over alone just for a few mths see if he can find work and a place to live , then you could just go over for 6mths say, give it a try. Never know, might like it.

[d0nnivain]

l'm thinking counselings a waste of time it's not gonna make him wanna stay in your state or stop him wanting to live in California , l mean that's the issue causing all the crap.

Thing is , he might stay there for awhile but sooner or later he'll wanna follow that dream l'd say and it'll just hit the fan later.

 

I disagree. I think couple's counseling may help you two. Right now neither of you knows how to compromise.

 

He needs to understand that his attitude of I'm going to California no matter what you want is destructive.

 

But your attitude of I'm never leaving Florida isn't helping.

 

You both need to work toward doing what is best for your marital unit not just each of you individually.

[somanymistakes]

Couples CAN do all sorts of weird things and stay in healthy marriages.

 

That doesn't mean you can though.

 

Some couples are happy in unusual arrangements, but that's no good for you if YOU aren't happy in them.