ItsAllConfusing Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 We've been together for near a year and a half. From the start I've been questioning our relationship. My biggest fears are him dying before me and me worried about having kids with him (due to our 14 year age difference). I'm 33 and he's 47. The other fear is him relapsing. He's 1 year and 8 months clean from drugs. The straw that's going to break the camel's back is his relationship with his ex wife, I'll call her Sara . I was fine with it. They're friends, like family and she's the main force behind his recovery. I respect that. I'm annoyed with the relationship because he's always talking about how good of a person she is and then goes into this whole thing about all of the things she's done for him and his family. Lately he's been doing it more than usual maybe it's because Sara is sick I don't know. He says she's an angel and like a mother to him and he's lucky to have a person like her in his life/our life and that I should be thankful because it's because of Sara that he is the person he is now. They were together for 6 years and she is pretty much a step mom to his son so I cannot expect for her to not be in his life but her level of involvement just makes me feel at odds. For instance, she came to give him a ride somewhere and found that he wasn't feeling well so she helped him organize his medicine, drove two towns over and to her house and back to his to get him some extra medicine. When he told me this story I was just annoyed with it all and despite seeing me bothered he went deep into his whole thing again about how good of a person she is and all the things she does for him. Whenever he needs a ride he calls Sara. He talks to Sara about our relationship. The very first time he had to go the ER he called Sara, she drove him there and stayed with him. I didn't find out until 2 days later that he was sick. Whenever there's health forms to fill out he calls Sara because according to him she knows everything about his health If he misses his bus he calls Sara for help He offered me some food that I didn't want and he said he'll give it to Sara He calls me Sara sometimes and says the sounds are similar, I sometimes call him my kid's name and I take it as this happens because she's always on his mind just like my kid is always on mine One day I was unable to come and help him when he was sick and he said well if it was Sara she'd drop everything she was doing and come right away.... I talked to him about this and he said that he was joking I have to hear about how good of a person she is at least 2 to 3 times a month. He thinks I'm being selfish and I think he needs to loosen this closeness up a bit. To understand their relationship Sara gave him everything, did everything for him. He abused her (financially, and probably emotionally) but she never ever gave up on him. He married her for citizenship, not love. He feels indebted to her. He never met a person like Sara. I'm at the point where I just can't do it anymore. I can't expect Sara to not be in his life and i wouldn't not want her to be because i know how important she is. I dont want to destroy their relationship so the only choice I have is to leave or accept it. What else can I do. I honestly feel he'll always compare me to Sara and I could never ever be her. He told me that she would be in his life and I need to understand that. Besides the whole Sara thing him and I are so different, sexually it's a hit or miss and i can't seem to find the time to balance our relationship, being a mom, working and going to school. I feel strerched thin and he's pissing me off more than usual. There's more but I'll stop here. If I break up with him I'll be single and I don't think I'll find someone again. I'm nearing my mid 30s now and sadly I don't think I'll have any more children as I'm getting older. I was single for over a decade before I met him. Maybe I am selfish but do you think I'm being unreasonable? Any advice?
BaileyB Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Without a doubt, I would rather be single and childless than in a bad marriage with the wrong man. Holding onto someone when you are not happy out of fear is a recipe for an unhappy life. There are lots of red flags here OP, that have been there since the day you met... Whether you chose to pay attention or ignore them is entirely your decision. 4
Gretchen12 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Oh please, you can do better than this. Should I make a list? - 47 year old. Too old for you. - 47 year old junkie. Ok ex junkie but it's recent, he was still using in his 40's. - he may relapse - he's helpless, he needs rides - sex no good - you two are too different - you have a child to think of What are you doing?! Sara is good news for you. Since he already has her, and probably always will, you can leave him without feeling bad. He will be ok with her in his life. You are free to leave him. You worry about being selfish? It's not as if you are with him out of charity. Go volunteer at a real charity if you want to. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 He is just a walking red flag. Run away. . far away . . as fast as you can. Let Sara have him. He's not worth fighting for. 1
Marc878 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 No one wants or needs an X in the mix. If you're smart you'll get out of this and stop wasting your time. Huge consequences if you stay in this and they're all bad
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 He is still in love with Sara. I don't know what you've been telling yourself to convince yourself that he isn't, but he is. You need to end this. It won't end well for you. 1
Maddie82 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 I agree he's still in love with Sara. You're clearly not happy and just spending your life in fear while with him, while he loves someone else, so what are you doing? Why are still there?
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 He needs a Mom and his ex fills that position, if you marry him one day you will be his Mom... Run.... 1
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Two month ago you had a thread about feeling nothing when you kiss him. Why are you still in this relationship? why are you in this relations AT ALL? Are you THAT afraid of being single? 2
kendahke Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 (edited) If I break up with him I'll be single and I don't think I'll find someone again. I'm nearing my mid 30s now and sadly I don't think I'll have any more children as I'm getting older. I was single for over a decade before I met him. Maybe I am selfish but do you think I'm being unreasonable? I think you're selling yourself short and not really extending yourself out of laziness. So many women marry and have children in their 30's and later. If children are what you want, you can always go to a sperm bank and get that handled, so the children angle really isn't a valid argument here. Sara is very important to him, clearly. So important that he doesn't fear your reaction when talking her up to you. There's not much you can do to change that for him---he's got to be the one who determines that Sara's value has diminished. That is "what is" in your relationship. "What you wished would be" ain't going to happen unless he decides of his own volition that Sara needs to be demoted. Your choice is to either stay with him and stomach his talk of Sara or end this and find a man without so much baggage he refuses to let go of. Edited September 27, 2019 by kendahke
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Staying with this bad-for-you-guy who is using you because he can't have the woman he loves -- Sara -- simply because you have poor self esteem & fear being alone is a lousy plan. Break up with him. Regain some dignity. Get some counseling & read books to improve your self esteem. When you become mentally healthy you will be able to attract a solid, stable good man.
emeraldgreen Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 He traded one dependency for another. Sara might have fewer side effects but she's still an addiction he doesn't want to shake. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Their codependent relationship is unhealthy. I agree with the above that she is just another addiction of his. I also agree that I'd rather be alone than the third wheel in a relationship. Do you have friends and family that can help you to feel fulfilled in your own life so that you don't stay in a situation that isn't fulfilling? Do you even love him? You don't mention that you do.
preraph Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 To me, it sounds like he's completely codependent on Sara. So you didn't mention why they aren't together. I mean, she's still doing everything for him, so why aren't they together?
Lotsgoingon Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Your feelings of being sick and tired of this mess ... trust them! Now ... this feeling that your life is somehow at a crossroads ... and there will be no opportunities on the other side of dumping this guy ... well this is complete rubbish and that's to your benefit. If I break up with him I'll be single and I don't think I'll find someone again. I'm nearing my mid 30s now and sadly I don't think I'll have any more children as I'm getting older. I was single for over a decade before I met him. Please don't believe this nonsense. Your life will not be over because you can't have more kids. You could easily meet someone wonderful who's fine with not having kids. Or ... I know you can't count on it ... but my mother had me when she was 43. More kids or not, you have tons of life ahead of you and many opportunities to meet people. Now here's a key thing for you to take with you as you move on. You spent a year and a half dating this guy. That's a year too much--at minimum. In the future, you want to screen out guys like this so you never date them in the first place. If you date them, you want to go no more than three months, six months at absolute, stretching-the-limit max. Something tells me that your fantasy plans and your view that you're reaching the age beyond which your romantic and family dreams won't be possible ... led you into holding your nose and putting up with this mess for far too long. Plan instead on this ... plan on dumping people quickly who don't meet your standard ... and that way you'll waste less time and you'll meet more people and raise your chances of meeting someone you really like. And life overall will be a lot more fun. 1
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