why do people leave?

[Blind-Sided]

Hi All,

 

 

In the last few months, I've been trying to wrap my head around a simple question... Why do people leave long relationships?

 

 

OK.. at face value, that's an easy one with 100's of answers. But, I'm not talking about the biggies like, Abuse, drugs/alcohol, infidelity, gambling... and so on. I'm talking about a relationship that has moved well past the "honeymoon" stage, and into regular life, where the couple is truly "Family" and not just romantic partners. The reason I'm thinking about it is... as I read on this board... I'm seeing it all over the place. So it's very common.

 

 

1) In my case, I thought everything was great, but the ex snapped, blamed me for the world, and didn't want me to fix it. AND, never talked to me about the issues. She basically just wanted to be out... and to be angry. Heck, my family treated her nicer than her own. Why leave that?

 

 

2) I just read a post about a 13 year relationship doing the same. Basically she just doesn't feel the love anymore and wants out. (But no indication of the big issues)

 

 

3) I've talked to many older couples and I hear things like "Sure, I could have ended it a bunch of times, but I hung on because that's what you do." (from someone in a +50 year relationship)

 

 

So there it is... when the passion is gone, and it's just bonded family... why would someone want to leave for trivial reasons? Or even want to destroy what they built over a good chunk of their life? To me, it would be the same as going up to my folks and simply saying... I'm not happy with you, and I'm looking for some new parents. (idiotic at it's core)

 

 

My only thought is... I was raised in a "Norman Rockwell" perfect family. Mom and dad worked, had most of the things I needed growing up, there was nothing but love, and never any real arguing in the house. Even now... I'm 47, I went to my mom's house, and she handed me homemade cookies, and wanted to know what I wanted for lunch. I think my idea of a bonded family is so deep, that I can't think of how to walk away from something.

 

 

FYI... this is basically a philosophical question, and not me looking for help.

 

 

Anyway... let me know what you guys think.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Gaeta]

No one leaves a marriage/relationship for trivial reasons. If you feel your spouse left for trivial reasons it's because you haven't really listened to her.

 

I was also raised by the perfect parents, they've been married for 55 years now. Then when I reached my 50th birthday I started seeing only then what my mom had to endure to make it to 55 years. I had no clue my father had been treated for severe anxiety all his life, I had no clue he had to file personal bankruptcy twice, I had no clue he was extremely judgemental of my mother's family and hurt her feelings with it over and over. Oh he was a good man, a good husband and father, he never raised his voice, he was a good provider, he took his family man role very seriously. But what appeared as perfect.....was far from being perfect...for mom.

 

I left a 15 year marriage. I had given so much in this marriage with nothing in return. After 15 years I had nothing left to give. Being partners, parents together wasn't enough. I was unhappy and miserable. From the outside people people saw a good hard working man, a nice house, a good career, a good father....but inside it was empty and lonely, and at 33 I wasn't ready to live the rest of my life empty and lonely.

 

 

.

[Gretchen12]

I think in many of these cases, she is not leaving the man but leaving the situation, she's not leaving the relationship but leaving what the relationship makes her feel about herself. Of course it's not possible to leave a marriage or partnership without physically leaving the person.

 

To use your analogy of leaving a family, it would be for example if the folks are in a rural area and the son with some ambition wants to leave and spread his wings. Well, the difference is the parents won't disown him for that. But if a wife wants out, she knows she's all the way out. Although I know cases of the ex partners staying on friendly terms and continue to support each other and be a "family" because of the kids.

 

Probably this person would have been unhappy for awhile before deciding to make a break. The unhappiness is from lack of satisfaction with life. I know women that are currently unhappy. The husbands have not done anything wrong. It's just that the women are bored or feel isolated day to day and feeling their lives have no meaning.

[Blind-Sided]

No one leaves a marriage/relationship for trivial reasons. If you feel your spouse left for trivial reasons it's because you haven't really listened to her.

Sure, Understood. But in reality, she never talked prior to the "End".

 

I left a 15 year marriage. I had given so much in this marriage with nothing in return. After 15 years I had nothing left to give. ......... I was unhappy and miserable. .........

OK... but why? I think this is the core of what I'm trying to get at. And unfortunately... I think it's just a difference in the sexes. I see it time and time again about being unhappy... but did you ask your partner to help you be happy? Point blank? In my case, once the end was inevitable, I asked, and got... "I shouldn't have to tell you". And when I said that I can't read minds... I got "now you are just looking for excuses." I guess my point here is... she didn't want things to be fixed, and just wanted gone. AND... I'm seeing this in a lot of other threads.

 

..........

To use your analogy of leaving a family, it would be for example if the folks are in a rural area and the son with some ambition wants to leave and spread his wings. ...........

 

WOW.... to be honest... I think this hits the nail on the head. I didn't consider that. But there is one flaw in that situation. This kid who wants to "Spread his wings" didn't ask to be in the rural life. Where many of the divorces, the life the person is leaving is exactly what they wanted. In my case, I gave up everything to give her what she wanted... but got blamed for it. Regardless... I think there is something to that, and it goes back to some advice I've heard about "the life you have isn't the picture of the life you thought you would have had."

 

 

Thanks for the insight, both of you !!

Edited September 27, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

Sure, Understood. But in reality, she never talked prior to the "End".

 

That is not what you said in your first thread on the subject.

Her answers ranged from feeling trapped, feeling controlled, I'm too angry, she was in fear, I kept he from really leading the life she wanted, and life in general

.

[Blind-Sided]

That is not what you said in your first thread on the subject.....

 

 

Her answers ranged from feeling trapped, feeling controlled, I'm too angry, she was in fear, I kept he from really leading the life she wanted, and life in general .

 

 

That was during the end. Once she voiced her problems last November... there was no turning back for her. AND... I never heard any of that prior.

 

 

But regardless... I'm not looking for things specific to my story... I'm looking for insight on the general, and why I see the same things over and over as I talk with people, and read threads here.

[anika99]

Could be for any number of reasons.

 

Could be that the spouse who is leaving has been unhappy for a long time and has built up a lot of resentment. The other spouse thought everything was good either because their spouse wasn't saying otherwise or because they weren't listening. I would say that in the case of one spouse being adamant about leaving and refusing to give their partner a chance to do better, that they have reached a point of no return. That they have fallen out of love and feel like there is no point in trying to make it better since they no longer love their spouse and no longer wish to be with their spouse no matter what their spouse does to make the relationship better.

 

Could be that the spouse who is leaving is going through a sort of internal transition where they are no longer content with their current situation and just want their freedom to go experience life on their own. Perhaps they fear that they have settled and not lived life to it's fullest. Sometimes something significant has happened to cause this sudden need to go live life harder, like a near death experience, the death of a loved one or another big loss. Or it could result from positive changes as well. If perhaps they always struggled with feelings of low self worth and poor self esteem, then something happens to boost their ego. Maybe they lost a bunch of weight, or they landed a great job, and suddenly they are getting tons of positive attention and they start to think they are too good for their spouse.

 

What I have most often observed when a middle aged woman makes the decision to end their marriage is that they feel like it's their turn. Their turn to be selfish, their turn to have fun, their turn to take care of themself. Time and time again I see younger married couples where the wife is doing the majority of the household/childcare stuff while also working. The husband maybe helps a bit by doing a few tasks, like maybe putting kids to bed or taking out the trash. He thinks he's helping a lot because he has never had to do everything his wife does, he's oblivious to the many multiple tasks she has to handle every single day and the toll it's taking on her. These are the women who suddenly become selfish later in life and I'm never surprised.

[Timshel]

I remember my former mother in law at a party my ex husband and I put together approaching me and asking very seriously how could I be with someone so angry, her son.

I thought at the time that the dynamic between the two of them was quite different than our relationship; over-bearing mother/rebellious son.

He had never raised his voice or displayed any signs that he had anger issues or was unreasonable.

 

I pshawed her and went along to become engaged, then marry him.

 

In the several years before I asked for a divorce, I repeatedly spoke with him regarding his inability to resolve typical marital discourse without turning purple. His mother was in fact correct and over the years, his go to response when frustrated with anyone/any challenge was pure rage.

 

 

I agree with Gaeta, the majority of people married long term, particularly with children, do not divorce for trivial reasons.

 

 

My ex husband to this day would say that I 'blind-sided' him with divorce. That is patently false.

[schlumpy]

I would seriously suggest that you allow your family to pick your next potential mate.

[somanymistakes]

I read a divorce forum elsewhere (this one isn't, there's surprisingly little divorce talk here) and one thing that strikes me is how many people claim to be blind-sided when even their side of the story shows that they were very much not.

 

"Okay, we'd been going through a few rocky years and we had our ups and downs like any marriage and we separated for a week once but we got back together, and we tried going to counseling but we stopped because it wasn't helping, and then this week my spouse dropped divorce papers on me and I am COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED!"

 

Absolutely not a difference between the sexes. I see it said by both men and women.

 

What it usually comes down to is that the poster knew there were problems, but refused to believe those problems were important. And that was, itself, the biggest problem.

 

There are a few total blindsides. Those usually involve cheating, where the cheater has been hiding a second relationship up until the point that they're ready to leave the first one, then drops the whole load of bricks on someone at once.

[mark clemson]

Some potential reasons:

 

- GIGS/unrealistic expectations

- Feeling trapped, lonely, "stuck", etc

- Missing the excitement strong feelings of NRE

 

 

There's a saying "half the fun is getting there". I think for some folks once they're "there" then part of what's missing is the anticipation/mindset of something to look forward to. So they have to leave/break the current stability in order to re-experience the condition of "having something to work towards/look forward to". I think some folks need that as a sort of mental buffer/filter as they go through everyday life. Take that "anticipation" mindset away and things can seem pointless, so they take less pleasure in the day to day as it's now meaningless to an extent.

 

Their safe, stable situation, which they'd probably hang on to if they were wise, is seen as the impediment to whatever it is they think they "really" want. But I suspect what they really want is to just feel better, and to feel better they need to be "working towards" something, not "there".

 

Not sure if any of that applies to your xW or not.

[Timshel]

What it usually comes down to is that the poster knew there were problems, but refused to believe those problems were important. And that was, itself, the biggest problem.

 

 

Yes, to all but most importantly this.

[vla1120]

I have gone over this exact question in my head thousands of times because, like in your situation with your wife, my first husband's family treated me better than my own. They were my family for 32 years. When I walked away from him, I (understandably) lost them, too. That was really the worst part of divorcing him. I put up with quite a bit during my 32 years with him, including infidelity and his arrogance, believing there was nothing about him that needed improvement - while I was in a constant state of being a "work in progress", trying to become a better person.

 

The straw that broke the camel's back was when I went through my second bout of cancer on my own. There were eight weeks of radiation treatment while I was still working. By the end of treatment, I was exhausted. He never once asked me how treatment was going. He never offered to drive me, especially that last week when it was so hard for me. I only lived a block from my work, but my place of treatment was almost an hour away from where we lived. He just didn't care.

 

I could have stayed another 32 years and endured that apathy, but why? Facing cancer again made me face my mortality. We only get one ride on the merry-go-round. Who wants to be miserable for the entire ride? I decided to make it my best ride.

 

Sure, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire by marrying the WRONG guy again, and now I am paying dearly for that mistake. But I won't make that mistake a third time!

[vla1120]

I would seriously suggest that you allow your family to pick your next potential mate.

 

This is actually good advice. It wouldn't have been so much asking my daughters and trusted friends pick my next potential mate, but I wish I had consulted them more and listened to my own instincts instead of feeling sorry for him and believing I needed to "save" him. I do believe we should listen to the feedback of those closest to us when selecting a mate.

[primer]

I left a ten year relationship because my ex became impossible to live with. There was nothing that I could do right - I even looked at him funny and talked to him in the wrong tone of voice.

 

 

After I found out he did a few sneaky things behind my back, I knew that was it. (changed mailing address)

 

 

Did he want me to kick him out? It worked.

 

 

Edited: He may have had GIGS because he wanted to come back. I had to remind him what a terrible person I was.

[Gaeta]

OK... but why? I think this is the core of what I'm trying to get at. And unfortunately... I think it's just a difference in the sexes. I see it time and time again about being unhappy... but did you ask your partner to help you be happy? Point blank?

I did many times over the years, I told him 'I am unhappy because XYZ' and I offered solution like 'lets do XYZ', and he never took it seriously. When I left him he acted as if he had no clue I had been unhappy for years, begged me to give him a chance!!! I answered I had given him 12 years of chances. I am not sure he EVER understood why I left. He got remarried after me, and he repeated the same pattern with his 2nd wife.

[Blind-Sided]

I did many times over the years, I told him 'I am unhappy because XYZ' and I offered solution like 'lets do XYZ', ..............

OK... you are very similar to a friend of mine right now. She has been telling her H that he needs to pick up the slack for years, and even leaves him notes on exactly what to do. (They often don't sleep in the same room) He's not even a particularly handy guy... so he can't say that he's doing labor around the house. (by fixing things) In this case... you had your reasons, regardless if he wanted to see them. I was never given that chance. But like I was saying... I see this too much to not think about it. (The 13 year thread is what pushed me to ask)

 

 

Thanks.

[Blind-Sided]

....

Could be that the spouse who is leaving is going through a sort of internal transition where they are no longer content with their current situation and just want their freedom to go experience life on their own. .....

What I have most often observed when a middle aged woman makes the decision to end their marriage is that they feel like it's their turn. Their turn to be selfish, their turn to have fun, their turn to take care of themself. ............

 

 

I think you have something there. A midlife crisis. Add in hormonal imbalance, and some antidepressant meds... and that what happens. It's selfishness for the sake of being selfish. Thanks.

 

.......Absolutely not a difference between the sexes. I see it said by both men and women.

..........

 

 

Well.... yes and no. Absolutely, I've seen guys do this. Actually, a friend from collage left his wife because he simply didn't want to be married anymore. He hasn't even told me the real reason... but I'm guessing he's changing teams. (if you understand me)

 

 

BUT... I really see this with more women, and I think it has to do with them feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders, and they just snap. Men tend to be less emotional, and get passed that.

 

...........

There's a saying "half the fun is getting there". I think for some folks once they're "there" then part of what's missing is the anticipation/mindset of something to look forward to. So they have to leave/break the current stability in order to re-experience the condition of "having something to work towards/look forward to". ......

 

I think you are right there too. I've read a bunch of times... "I just fell out of love", or "There was no excitement anymore." And I think that's what I'm having an issue with. To me... daily life isn't "Excitement" or passion... it's just life. BUT family is enduring past emotion. And that's my point.

 

 

With that said... my ex, at one point said "Some couples just drift apart." After 20 years, I just don't believe it. And just to let everyone here know... I'm pretty sure (NOW) she had a new guy during this. But the original question stands.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

Just sitting here thinking... I'm starting to guess all the threads I see that where some one leaves for no real reason, really has a reason, and they just aren't coming out with it. Even if that reason is to be selfish.

[Gaeta]

A midlife crisis. Add in hormonal imbalance, and some antidepressant meds... and that what happens.

How can you claim you had no clue? There is a long process of unhappiness before reaching to antidepressant, you were blind to all this? Or you thought she was just a complainer and didn't pay attention? You don't get to decide what is painful and what's not for other people. She was going through a crisis, and even to this day you don't want to acknowledge that.

[Timshel]

Men tend to be less emotional, and get passed that.

 

 

Lol. My husband and I have discussed men bleeding from their penis and birthing a human, only to have their wives tell them how 'emotional' they are.

You funny.

[Gaeta]

Your wife was unhappy, she felt trapped, lived in fear, felt you were holding her back from being who she could be. She also told you she tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen.

 

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/672280-20-years-gone-updated-feb-25-a

 

 

You cannot stand here and claim you had no clue and she left with no real explanation. You simply did not listen, you refused to acknowledge her distress, be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your lack of empathy, and you'll have an easier time moving on.

[Tamfana]

Gaeta is spot on. Same thing happened in my marriage as happened in hers and I've heard the same tale a dozen times.

 

My ex-husband eventually just decided I must be cheating, that the reasons couldn't really be true. (The arrogance of that was just another point in favor of leaving! lol)

 

Also, OP, men are not less emotional than women. They might deny their emotions more often or be unaware of their emotions more often but they are definitely not less emotional.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you have something there. A midlife crisis.

 

I've always though the term "midlife crisis" was over dramatic. The truth is, we all want different things at different times in our lives. A man who's worked decades as the primary breadwinner may want to sell everything and travel the country in a motorhome. A women who's subjugated her wants to the family's needs may be looking to restart her career. Either one of these avenues may be diametrically different than the direction their spouse is looking to go.

 

It's hard enough to stay on the same page as a couple when things are static, so it's a real challenge as the dynamic evolves and changes over time. Some couples survive this disruption, some don't. Add in the lesser stigma divorce has today and it's not hard to see "why people leave"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

...The truth is, we all want different things at different times in our lives. A man who's worked decades as the primary breadwinner may want to sell everything and travel the country in a motorhome. A women who's subjugated her wants to the family's needs may be looking to restart her career. Either one of these avenues may be diametrically different than the direction their spouse is looking to go...

 

The realisation that "Time is marching on" can be a big incentive to instigate major change.

Its now or never...