OLD etiquette

[Ellener]

Ok, the world's most inept social media person here again- question:

 

what do I write when I send an unsolicited message to a man I like his profile?

 

Is it supposed to be formal, informal, long/short and what about- something on the profile? Introduce myself?

 

???

[SumGuy]

Short I understand is best. Let your profile introduce you. I think it’s good to mention something in his profile he likes to do if you do to. Then consider ending with a simple fun question, such as do you also like x, have you tried y, etc.

 

Though if he likes your profile a “hi. I like your profile you seem like a very interesting man” is more than enough.

[Gretchen12]

Whether or not to be formal depends on how you are in real life. I tend to be more formal. Just be yourself so your messages match how you really are. Of course be courteous, and don't repeat what's already in your profile. Don't write a big essay, you may not even hear back. Don't make it seem like a form letter. Basically just say (in your own words) that you're interested. Then go from there.

[Rayce]

It can be super simple. This is what I used with the guy I have a date with on Monday.

 

Hi xxx... nice to meet you. I really liked your pictures. I love camping. My dream trip is visiting all of our national parks. I hope your staying dry in this wet weather. Hope to hear from you.

[Ellener]

Thank y'all! That's all really helpful.

 

It *is* proving difficult to be myself with this...I'm still trying to work out where the compromise line is if I'm serious about a relationship, and I suspect with many of the men by the comments in their profiles they expect to be the person doing the asking anyway. I tend to be way too direct for a lot of the men my age here in TX, but I'm not good at 'playing coy' or whatever it is I'm supposed to do

 

I thought I'd met the perfect person for me in real life too which I've still been a bit preoccupied with ( but less and less )

 

Life now seems so much simpler staying single

 

I'll persevere with OLD website for a bit but my philosophy tends to be if something's too difficult it's not meant to be and find something else...

[Twizzlestick]

Op as a girl you’ll be standing out above 99 percent of girls if you

 

A- send the first message and

B - it isn’t “Hey”.

 

You can’t go wrong really as a woman in the first message, just send something nice and ask a question to invoke response. Nothing too clever. I had one girl ask what I’d write as a last text on a phone before it died, far too taxing for my brain .

 

For all the flack us guys get off Women this is one area we’re pretty good with the empathy. We’re much more forgiving to women about their first messages and know it’s hard and don’t bin off just because of a silly little first message (unlike girls!). I even respond to “hey” if I like them. It’s girls who tend to expect a complete stranger to send some impressive, comedic, witty first message like a court jester dancing before a Queen who decides what happens with his head

 

You’ll be fine. An example as a guy of things that would stand out mega above 99 percent of messages I ever got would be something like...

 

“Evening (add his name - bonus points). So, you like (insert something from his profile)? I once tried that, and ended up with (insert funny story if you have one) all over my face! Do you find..(a question)? Nice to match (wink smiley).”

 

That’s just an example. But be yourself, let your character show. Write what sounds like something you’d say

Edited October 6, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Ellener]

Thanks Twizzlestick!

 

I met with one man last week, he was so nice but I don't have romantic feelings toward him in the slightest, but he wants to meet again. I have no aversion but though he says friendship is fine, he then hinted at more and 'a proper date' whatever that is...He is fairly newly bereaved so I would want to take it slowly anyway.

 

There are comments in lots of threads about women not wanting to post lots of detailed photos, and I don't particularly, since my appearance does seem to attract the wrong person in real life, ie someone who has no interest in a relationship but wants to meet up anyway. I did put my BMI in the profile, since photos can be out of date or deceptive.

 

I'm not liking the match.com website, and would not recommend it, huge timewaster sifting through it. Leave it to the daily matches there isn't a single person I have been shown so far who matches!

 

I imagine very few of the profiles are real people actually looking for dates/actively dating. But match.com sends email messages with links as though there's a message or special match etc then if you follow it you're logged into the site- making the profile look active.

 

I tried sending out a few messages to men about the interests on their profile etc. and have had no replies, which acts as a filter of sorts I guess.

 

Not giving out my phone number to anyone at this stage, but I will give an email address to someone I've met.

 

I'm fairly confident and been successful in other areas of my life plus I've survived a few set-backs by this age, or I expect it would be a confidence-draining demoralizing exercise all told, online dating

[Twizzlestick]

You mention your appearance is attracting the wrong sort? Two points.

 

1/ it’s about context of the photos. Do post your good photos with a full body shot. Most guys are suspicious if it’s all head and shoulder shots. You see some girls seem to post photos of them half naked and then moan in their profiles about the number of guys who aren’t looking for anything serious. That’s photos with the wrong context. So post photos of you out an about, doing things. That’s the context bit.

 

2/ with decent photos, the hook up merchants unfortunately come with the decent types. You can’t attract one without the other. For example, I’m not a one night stand guy, but I’m probably just as attracted to a very pretty woman as someone who is. So with good photos you kind of run the risk of attracting one, to find the other.

 

I’ve never tried match. Not heard good things. I’ve ditched POF. Those old school desktop orientated apps are rubbish in the U.K. at least. Prob is tinder in the US seems primarily for sex. It isn’t here in the U.K.

 

Online is full of time wasters and bots. People criticise online but forget it’s concentrated. It would take a year of being out and about to come across as many single potentials as you do with half an hour swiping. So the downside is you get a concentrated amount of time wasters too.

 

I’m 39 and can agree online can be really demoralising . Just when I think I’m unattractive to the online world I get a small uplifting batch of matches with some really nice looking chatty people and get a few dates. It reminds me that it really isn’t how you appear half the time. It’s time wasters/window shoppers/married cheaters/bots/distance/lack of people viewing your profile due sheer numbers online.

[Ellener]

Thanks Twizzlestick. My photos online I have just kept muted, I get quite enough attention from men in real life who are just looking for sex! I don't know what it is, I never dress provocatively and I'm not modelling material, plus I'm in my fifties now...I am fairly confident and I can only think it is that?

 

'It’s time wasters/window shoppers/married cheaters/bots/distance/lack of people viewing your profile due sheer numbers online.'

 

It's been a strange experience I'll say that Twizzlestick!

 

Now I have to decide if I should meet this nice but older ( and recently bereaved ) man again, I really don't see myself with him but given I was so young last time I was in the market for a relationship, and I am fairly young looking for my age ( if I dye my hair I look way younger! ) he seems way older, and I'm still adjusting to the idea of that.

 

Maybe I'm just not ready! I really liked the man I met in my real life, it seemed so easy, until it wasn't! Oh well.

 

Half of me is thinking just stay single...this is going to make me less happy not more!

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP. It’s probably that you are attractive and also that you’re magnetic in personality to these people. Confidence etc, contrary to preconception guys are drawn like flies to certain character traits.

 

Some are downright sexy to a guy. And it’s different to different people. For me kindness, chilled, confidence, compassion and humour are such a killer big 5 combo they knock me for six - rare to find, but when I spot them even a visually average girl can seem very sexy.

 

Speaking of which. Funnily a lot of younger girls on tinder think that announcing they’re “sassy” and sarcastic plus edgy (calling themselves a cxxx even!) are sexy and attractive. As a guy those traits are whopping turn off and a rele red flag ha! know a lot of blokes who hate that stuff. These girls likely think it works because they get attention, but guys who want to sleep with them will do it anyway. And then they wander why they get dumped. Because those traits are not good and saleable.

 

Yeah it’s hard dating. Maybe try a few more with him. Just getting out is good when you’re single. It’s not like you’re having to commit. I started dating too soon after a breakup and it hurt me. I’ve started again, it still hurts and causes pain but I’ve decided I’ll likely feel like that for a long time and it’s like taking medicine. It tastes bad but might be doing me some good

[Ellener]

Thanks Twizzlestick. I don't have any problem attracting sexual partners, but suitable relationship partners is another story!

 

I had a bit of a sh*tty week so far and just aren't in the mood for socializing...this guy I saw last week is super nice, I cancelled Monday for Thursday and he said I hope I can see you next week instead, I'd like to, I felt totally unpressured.

 

It's kind-of taken me by surprise how many awful experiences people have had of being messed about or blown off last minute or 'ghosted', I definitely don't want to treat people like that. Or be treated like that, but I can't control that!

 

But this week I am just not up for having much fun, or even for making an effort.

 

What do other people do if you've made plans then don't feel up to it?

 

If you're going through a bad patch with work or health or something do you still look for or go on dates?

[SumGuy]

Thanks Twizzlestick. I don't have any problem attracting sexual partners, but suitable relationship partners is another story!

I hear that.

 

It's kind-of taken me by surprise how many awful experiences people have had of being messed about or blown off last minute or 'ghosted', I definitely don't want to treat people like that. Or be treated like that, but I can't control that!

. I think we have a bit of internet selection bias here...as a person is much more likely to leave a bad review than a good review. Friends I know who have a much more positive (not perfect) OLD experience don’t frequent forums.

 

But this week I am just not up for having much fun, or even for making an effort.

 

What do other people do if you've made plans then don't feel up to it?

 

If you're going through a bad patch with work or health or something do you still look for or go on dates?

In my opinion no one worth dating wants you to force it and you don’t need to explain. Stuff comes up. Just realize if you cancel or reschedule too regularly you appear flaky or disinterested...,or you may be the subject of some internet thread

 

I try go on dates even if I don’t feel up to it, as often getting out makes me feel better, I get into it (a drink or two doesn’t hurt) and if feeling very tired or low energy I will be up front about it and let them know really wanted to meet them though.

 

I’m not even sure if it matters if one is on to find a real connection. My view is a real connection is about more than charm but shared views and a fundamental chemistry that isn’t dependent on being ones most social best. Yes, don’t be a downer or emotionally vomit on ones date when not feeling it, but don’t worry over much about impressing them.

 

Last but not least I’ll say I’m an introvert so when life really sucks just want to sit by my dog, read a book and have a beer. Even then I’ve come to realize engaging with people can make things better.

[Ellener]

Just read this https://graziadaily.co.uk/relationships/dating/dumbing-down-on-dates/ 'If I mention any of my accolades I’m either met with a look of disappointment or I’m hit with a barrage of their achievements in a combative attempt to prove they, too have it all together.' Yes, it does seem that most of what people write about dating is the negatives SumGuy.

 

I was introduced to a man yesterday who met his husband on match, so I guess it can work for some people. It still doesn't feel like me though, and makes me anxious so we'll see!

 

'Last but not least I’ll say I’m an introvert so when life really sucks just want to sit by my dog, read a book and have a beer. Even then I’ve come to realize engaging with people can make things better.'

 

I don't drink these days, or it would be a love affair with alcohol! Losing my home after a flood was the last in a series of tests...and I too am happiest with my dog, a book, like most closet introverts.

 

Starting to think I like the idea of dating and a relationship better than the reality

[mr_ybor]

Ok, the world's most inept social media person here again- question:

 

what do I write when I send an unsolicited message to a man I like his profile?

 

Is it supposed to be formal, informal, long/short and what about- something on the profile? Introduce myself?

 

???

 

As a guy... IF you read my profile (this seems to be an epic hurdle for people for some reason ) and you find that you're most likely what I'm looking for in a potential date and/or prospective future girlfriend, this super-complex syntax is the only thing you need to get a conversation going with me:

 

'Hi'

 

For real. That's it. Type more if you want.

Edited October 10, 2019 by mr_ybor

[Ellener]

Got it Mr_ybor!