6 lessons I learned from dating

[scooby-philly]

Tried posting yesterday, but I didn't submit before I closed the browser. D'oh!

 

Not sure what category this belongs in. Really just need to get this out of my system as writing (and speaking in my head as I type) helps me.

 

If you're going to respond - don't belittle me. I realize that this may not be "aha's" for a lot of people, none of them are rocket science - but everyone isn't an expert on relationships and maybe someone needs to hear this and I'm just writing to help me.

 

Lesson 1 - Don't be with someone just because they say yes

 

I've had three ltrs since I started dating as an adult. All three taught me - don't just be with someone because they say yes. A lot of people don't know what they want or have such low expectations and low self-esteem - they settle (and I mean the other people, not you) for whatever they can get. Or they're so used to not getting attention they say yes. Of course, you both need to say yes, that's a given. But just because someone is willing to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean you should say yes. My ex-fiancee and I really weren't that compatible. She didn't have the qualities/personality I want in a woman (which I know now) and we didn't agreed on a lot of long-term things.

 

Lesson 2 - Don't be with someone just because they have most/all of the qualities you want.

 

My recent gf (5+ weeks apart) taught me, in painful hindsight, that just because someone has a lot of the qualities/traits you want in a partner - that's not enough. You need to also both have the same level of commitment to the relationship, you need to be open and honest, and you need to show the world you love each other. They can be exactly what you want, but if they're not all in, if they're not making actual commitments to the relationship, if you're doing all the bending to make it work and spend time with each other - and/or if they're not all lovey dovey to see you - it's a sign something is off and you need to at least talk, if not leave.

 

Lesson 3 -Be yourself and good things will come

 

The relationships I've been in, even short-term (6 to 12 dates) - was when I was myself and when I was just living life. Yeah - some came from oneline dating - but I was using it as another tool in the toolbox, not reliant on it. If you live a happy life, pursue your passions and dreams and work on it a little bit every day or a couple of times of week - it will be like the gym....you'll be happier, healthier, and things will just start to click.

 

Lesson 4 - Self Respect and Self Love Come First

 

My crazy-ex disrespected so often I can't even pick just one story. One alone would suffice to show you how crazy she was and how crazy I was for staying. (And look, I'm not a pig, everyone who ever met her (including women) classify her as a psychopath). And my most recent ex - there were several incidents where I put up with things that if I did those to her or if anyone ever found out how she treated me she would have died and her fake "nice girl" persona would have been shattered. I say that to point out - I stayed when if I had more self respect and self love, I wouldn't have tolerated more than one episode from either of them. Know your worth. Even if you're imperfect (we all are), not rich, etc - you're worth more than you think if you're basically a good person.

 

Lesson 5 - Do not ignore your gut.

 

Being raised to be "smart" and good in school has hurt me in several ways as an adult, probably none so much as with dating. Dating isn't just about the head. Yeah, you need to be able to pick up on things and then analyze them, but the first place those signs start and the way to know if your analysis or plan to evaluate something you noticed will work is your gut. With my last ex I "knew" she was immature and not ready for a relationship and that when things got tough or she simply changed her mind, she'd be out the door. Or when push came to shove, she didn't love me enough to confront her family. And that's what happened. People can initially hide things for several months and of course there is and should be a honeymoon phase. But even early on we can pick up signs that something might not be kosher.

 

Lesson 6 - You don't need to be the "nice guy"

 

I've seen a lot of that "nice guy" literature out there - the stuff trashing being "nice". And I get it - there is a fine line. What they mean is don't be a push over, don't avoid getting your needs met, and don't let an SO dictate everything on their terms. I think for a lot of guys we're conditioned to be the "good boy" growing up and that turns into being the "nice guy". There's nothing wrong with working hard, supporting people, providing, be the "man" in a relationship and family. But I think a lot of guys end up sticking around bad relationship (or bad for us) because we're either afraid of being judge for it failing, we're afraid of being alone, or we think people won't think we are "good men". Well...a good man is also very clear, doesn't ignore themselves, and doesn't let people @$$! all over them. It's okay to tell a partner you're not meeting my needs and it's okay to walk away if they can't or don't try to (or if it's crazy, or drama filled, or they won't make a commitment) - everyone deserves to be happy and healthy above and beyond being in a relationship of any sort.

[d0nnivain]

Far from belittling you, I'm gonna give you a pat on the back. Some people never figure that stuff out.

 

To sum up your post: be confident in who you are. Value yourself. Nice, as in polite is wonderful; being a doormat is bad.

[FMW]

I like it

[spiderowl]

Valuable lessons indeed!

[scooby-philly]

Far from belittling you, I'm gonna give you a pat on the back. Some people never figure that stuff out.

 

To sum up your post: be confident in who you are. Value yourself. Nice, as in polite is wonderful; being a doormat is bad.

 

Thanks d0nnivain! I think related to my lessons in dating is a larger issue of abandonment, attachment disorder, and not living my life. I grew up with my paternal grandmother in the house. She was "shamed based" (look up John Bradshaw - great research on the subject) - my father was a p-whipped momma's boy who could travel the world but could never satisfy his mother and let her walk over him (abuse him in a way) emotionally. My mom was abused as a child leading to her becoming an addict - which led her to drugs when i was about 10-12 and also had mental health issues. When the three of them would fight or two of them, I would be force to play the "good boy" trying to defend the one being attacked, they would threaten to abandon each other and us - even sometimes straight threatening to abandon me. And since my grandmother was afraid of everything, didn't have a lot of money, and slowly lost her family as she shut her world down, she became angry and shamed me for wanting - to go to hang out at other people's houses, to do x, try y. So - I've been working for 10 years on recovering from that and still it seems in some cases I let myself fall for women romantically who aren't emotionally available or mature, who in some cases try to threaten that again. Related - I had a best friend growing up in h.s. and college and beyond who I ended up walking away from after he wasn't there for me after my break up with an ex fiancee 6 yrs ago. I realize now that we didn't have a ton in common or that I placed a higher value on the relationship then he did and there was that theme of the fear of losing it before it happened, but cutting off the ties made me realize that had I not been the one initiating contact a lot, had I not been the one doing x,y,z then we probaby wouldn't have stayed that close anyway. Now part of that reason is that I was an emotional wreck and not in touch with or able to express my feelings - so who knows if I had been recovered more if things might have ended differently, but the point of this never ending post - in friendship and relationship I need to stop "stopping" my life for other people - and if someone is really that attracted to me romantically then they'll put in as much effort as I do.

[S2B]

I agree... it’s also valuable to understand that every relationship has a beginning and an end - knowing when it’s the end is important.

 

Don’t stay in any relationship when the partner you’re with isn’t making effort to treat you right.

[Marc878]

Never make someone a priority when you're just an option.

[scooby-philly]

I agree... it’s also valuable to understand that every relationship has a beginning and an end - knowing when it’s the end is important.

 

Don’t stay in any relationship when the partner you’re with isn’t making effort to treat you right.

 

I agree. It's been a hard five and half weeks since my previous relationship ended. But a lot of realizations about her, "us", and me have managed to come from it so far. To your point, it's important to recognize not just effort to treat you right, but simply "effort". I realize now that while she could say a lot of sweet things and and be cute - I was there simply to fill the empty void in her life and validate her feelings. She really wasn't interested nor capable of something long term and real.

[scooby-philly]

Never make someone a priority when you're just an option.

 

Totally agreed. With the last one had I been more aware of the fact that I had deprioritized my needs and wants and not gone out of the way to make myself fit to her life, it would have ended a lot sooner.

[scooby-philly]

And I should say regarding my latest ex - it was partially my fault for not recognizing that in the long run, she not only wasn't ready for a relationship, but she has no clue who she is or what she wants and she can't just be herself - and that long term there would have been a lot of pain and drama as she has a lot to learn and grow.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Scooby

 

I’m in my 4th month post break up and am in the shedding the relationship baggage phase. I have been working on myself and have stayed single on purpose. I have not gone online looking or anything like that.

 

But part of the working on myself has been trying to figure out what my future relationship would look like. I have been asking myself those same questions and share very much those same views, it is really helpful to see them laid out clearly in words that can be re-read later.

 

I thank you for sharing. It is helping me.

[scooby-philly]

Scooby

 

I’m in my 4th month post break up and am in the shedding the relationship baggage phase. I have been working on myself and have stayed single on purpose. I have not gone online looking or anything like that.

 

But part of the working on myself has been trying to figure out what my future relationship would look like. I have been asking myself those same questions and share very much those same views, it is really helpful to see them laid out clearly in words that can be re-read later.

 

I thank you for sharing. It is helping me.

 

That makes my heart melt!

 

I think a lot of people like me struggle in relationships for a number of reasons. For me, I realize it's because I wasn't given direction and emotional support as a child so I settle for people or rush into things too quickly because I feel like - this is good enough - I can't do better. I was threatened with abandonment so I don't stick up for my needs and I don't walk away when I should. And I was teased mercilessly at school, stuck with friends I didn't have much in common with, and I had a family growing up that didn't let me express emotions so I can sometimes shut down and sometimes have problems recognizing my emotions and if I do recognize them, have a hard time letting myself feel them, but also doing something healthy about them.

 

I am back on a dating website myself - but I don't expect to meet anyone or at least anyone worth dating right off the bat - but it's as cheap to do 6 months as it is 3 and it's just part of my overall plan to just get right back to living, doing what I enjoy, and just working on life, myself, but also recognizing I don't need to be perfect and that I can enjoy life!

 

And I think, even if we make the same mistake a few times in dating, or it's variations of a similar them - the break through is recognizing it AND thinking forward of what will be different. I realize now that after my two previous relationships I focused only on what the person would be like and blamed myself too much. So in this most recent past one, I settled for someone who had most of the qualities I was looking for, but did not realize at first that they were pretty superficial and I settled for a dynamic that was giving me my needs and was getting breadcrumbs (new idea to me I just discovered out on the boards and online) to keep me hooked. So yes - I realize now I need to think about any future relationship with a lens that focuses on me, her, us, the dynamic, and the overall relationship at the same time.

[scooby-philly]

Had a terrible night last night. Couldn't sleep. Got maybe 2 hours of straight sleep with 15/20 minute intervals before that. Will be a long day. I was angry. Perhaps angrier then I had been in the past five and a half weeks. And nothing I did or tried to say to myself could get her out of my mind. It's ridiculous. She walked away from me when I did nothing wrong. Not that I was perfect. There were plenty of mistakes that I made and times I wasn't as loving, caring, considerate, and supportive as I want to be. But in reality she broke my heart 3 times previous to the final breakup. Each time I should have walked away if I had more self respect. Each time I should have stopped to realize that my needs where not being met and that no matter how much I asked she was not ready to try and meet them. Read a lot the past few days about something she actually showed me a year or so ago - about how we love only three times in our lives. I though my crazy-ex was #2, and perhaps she was on some level, but I realize now that this latest ex was really #2. They call it the "hard love". And it was hard. I realize that we weren't meant to be together. The writing says how in some regards #2 is about discovering what's still wrong with us and holding a mirror up to us and also teaching us how we want to be loved and helping us discover our self worth. While I'm still raw (and god awfully tired this morning!) I can understand that. Before her no one I date - short-term or long-term was what I needed and want - someone gentle, kind, affectionate, quiet, a champion, a true friend. While I wish this would have worked out - she's too young, too inexperienced, and not able to admit when she was wrong and that while a decent person, she's still capable of hurting people. Three times, twice on separate vacations and then lastly on my birthday this summer, she threatened to just leave and go home. And on the two vacations we were half way across the country. I would never do that to anyone. Or even threaten it - I was threatened enough with abandonment as a child. But in reality I was hooked with the same feeling I had as a child - what if I lose her? Well, I did - and what have I learned? I learned how to love someone - how to communicate, how to support, how to champion, how to accept them unconditionally, how to be there for them with thoughts, words, and actions. And I learned that I need and deserve to have my wants/desires/needs addressed. I'm a pretty simple guy and I don't ask for much. But I need to be touched every day, I need someone who is gentle, kind, affectionate, simple, open, loving, sweet, generous, considerate - and that I know now I can give that back. I know I can be loved. I know I can find someone who will accept me for me. I know now I can love someone else and make them happy and fulfill their needs as a partner. And I'm not talking about "needy" - but the healthy sort of dynamic in a good relationship. I don't need to be with anyone. I want to be with someone but I don't need to be with just anyone. Funny, I told her that several times when we argued and she either shut down or was immature and yet I never could force myself to accept the fact that this wasn't the right love. No matter what I did - it was never fully appreciated. We were 2 hours away from each other. On a few occasions I was late heading up to her place by 30-60 minutes because I overslept. And she would get mad at me. Like okay, I know I need to work on getting up consistently and going to be consistently but in 2 years it happened maybe 6-8 times. And I always went up to her - it's like, I'm trying my best cut me a little slack. Anyway - I think that's it for the update for right now. I had a terrible night Friday for an hour crying uncontrollably and then an hour or two yesterday morning and of course, last night. I guess I have to cry and expunge two years of hopes, frustrations, and putting my life on hold and realize that while I have some things I want to work on with myself - lose 25lbs, become more patient, get back to reading, continue to work on my career, and let myself enjoy life and pursue some bucket list items - I'm not a bad man nor a bad partner, nor a bad catch.

[scooby-philly]

Somewhat terrible day today. Cried or wanted to cry a few short times. This one has hit me harder than other breakups. I know it's because I invested so much in waiting/hoping/praying for the future where we could be fully together instead of just saying I deserve it now and if she can't commit for whatever reason, it's time to move on. Funny how she can so easily move on (I know, that's an assumption) after spending so much time talking about the future. But I guess that's either the immaturity in her or the lack of understanding that she can emotionally hurt people. It's funny, I though I had been working on the shame I had since childhood for 10 years and made such great progress, yet this breakup has torn me apart and left me to realize that I was still in need of work, I was still settling for people, not speaking my voice, not voicing my needs, and worrying about losing someone who I both treated way better than she did me, and in the end, someone who left anyway without any seeming reluctance or hesitation. Now I realize she may have spent weeks or even 2-3 months slowly falling out of love with me, but it's the unknown, the silence, and the fact that she ended things or refused to talk in person with me that hurts the most. As if I didn't deserve at least some mature closure.

Edited September 30, 2019 by scooby-philly
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