My friend has been diagnosed with cancer and I want to know if I can help.

[ironpony]

My bff, ever since we were kids and until now, has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and I want to know if I can help. I was unable to put what kind of cancer, cause it says that I cannot post the word cause it violates community guidelines on the site. But I was trying to read up a lot about it. She has undergone radiation treatments but the cancer has spread to her kidneys. Either that or is hasn't but is causing problems with kidneys. I am not sure how it works, as even when I read up on it, there are unanswered questions.

 

But I would like to help in anyway I can. I don't want to pry by asking her a lot of questions but I think she has accepted that she is going to die, or at least that seems to be her demeanor towards it so far.

 

If it would help her live to give her a kidney transplant, I am willing to do so. However, I don't know how to bring this up to her or ask her if it would. But I am willing to do it. What do you think, should I speak to her about it, or try to be put in touch with her doctors, if it would help?

[basil67]

She's lucky to have your love and care.

 

With the kidney transplant, ask her if a kidney transplant is an option. If she says Yes, then the next question is about the criteria for choosing a donor. More broadly, ask her what ways you can help. She may need people to run errands/shopping for her. Or perhaps someone to look after her when she's just done a round of chemo. Ask her how you can help.

[schlumpy]

I'm going to assume that her medical care is up-to-snuff and that everything that can be done on that front is being done.

 

Mental attitude has some bearing on the ability of the body to fight off disease. You should attempt to keep her attitude positive and looking forward. That means spending quality time with her and encouraging her to be involved in interactions that require a future commitment. Make plans for future engagements but have back up plans in case she's too sick.

 

Don't treat her like a china doll but like the best friend she has always been. Make sure she knows that nothing has changed between you.

 

Then pray for her when you are by yourself. Even if you don't believe in God she's your friend, so you have to cover all the bases.

 

I've suffered loses of friends and family over the years and it's like losing a piece of myself.

[alphamale]

If it would help her live to give her a kidney transplant, I am willing to do so. However, I don't know how to bring this up to her or ask her if it would. But I am willing to do it. What do you think, should I speak to her about it, or try to be put in touch with her doctors, if it would help?

 

you should talk with her parents or family first ironpony

[ironpony]

I'm going to assume that her medical care is up-to-snuff and that everything that can be done on that front is being done.

 

Mental attitude has some bearing on the ability of the body to fight off disease. You should attempt to keep her attitude positive and looking forward. That means spending quality time with her and encouraging her to be involved in interactions that require a future commitment. Make plans for future engagements but have back up plans in case she's too sick.

 

Don't treat her like a china doll but like the best friend she has always been. Make sure she knows that nothing has changed between you.

 

Then pray for her when you are by yourself. Even if you don't believe in God she's your friend, so you have to cover all the bases.

 

I've suffered loses of friends and family over the years and it's like losing a piece of myself.

 

Okay thanks, I'm doing these things already, and treating it this way already. It's just I feel she is closing me out, maybe to make it easier on herself. I am not sure if she is closing others out as well, though.

 

I'm not sure how cancer works but as far as I understand if it's stage 4, then there is a large chance an organ transplant might not do any good cause the cancer will end up destroying the newly transplanted organ. But I'm not sure if it will work that way or not.

 

All I know is, that it seems to have gone to stage 4 fast, cause about three weeks ago, she was absolutely fine it seemed, and now she is already at stage 4 in a hospital bed. So it does damage fast it seems, and so if I do it, I feel I need to know the facts fast.

 

you should talk with her parents or family first ironpony

 

I don't really know them well. I mean I knew them from when we were young and she was living with them, but if they may not remember me, almost 15 years later I am assuming, since I never was in contact with them, after she moved out.

Edited September 28, 2019 by ironpony

[The Outlaw]

She's fortunate to you in her life. Many people wouldn't know what to do or how to react given the circumstances. Again, you might want to see if a kidney transplant is viable at this stage, and what her options are.

[alphamale]

I don't really know them well. I mean I knew them from when we were young and she was living with them, but if they may not remember me, almost 15 years later I am assuming, since I never was in contact with them, after she moved out.

 

i'm sure they'll remember you ironpony

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. If I ask her, if that is what she needs will that upset her and make her not want to talk about it more, should I be blunt and straightforward and just ask her?

[alphamale]

Okay thanks, but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. If I ask her, if that is what she needs will that upset her and make her not want to talk about it more, should I be blunt and straightforward and just ask her?

 

you should ask her family for guidance

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Should I just email on facebook out of the blue then, not knowing who I am? I don't want to make things more hard for them of course.

[alphamale]

on face book I guess it would be ok but in person would be better since it is a sensitive issue. in your email tell them who you are and how you know her, then tell them your proposal. don't go into to much detail, keep it as short as possible

[ironpony]

But I don't know where they live though. They moved to a different town since I last saw them 15 years ago.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't want to pry by asking her a lot of questions but I think she has accepted that she is going to die, or at least that seems to be her demeanor towards it so far.

 

If it would help her live to give her a kidney transplant, I am willing to do so. However, I don't know how to bring this up to her or ask her if it would. But I am willing to do it. What do you think, should I speak to her about it, or try to be put in touch with her doctors, if it would help?

 

Here's the deal. Your friend is terrified right now, scared. frightened, of being sick, of dying ... of getting treated, meeting with doctors, the possibility of chemo and on and on.

 

Her fear and worry are on her mind 24/7+. She lives not a moment free of this terror. You cannot scare her any further with anything you say other than something extremely dumb like "I want you to die"--which you're not going to say.

 

Here's what she's also feeling ... lonely ... and like a freak. When we get an illness like this ... especially at a younger age ... people sometimes feel like total freaks ... like something is wrong with them ... that they're defective ... and she'll have existential questions ... has she lived a full life so far?

 

So here's a bit of a script or outline for you ...

 

First of all, you're going to be scared ... and feel awkward. That's fine ... and that's not a sign to keep distance. Keeping distance is what your friend does NOT need. She needs friends who will go with her to doctor's appointments, hold her hand during an appointment, hold her hand during any treatment, take her to dinner, let her cry on your shoulder. Hug her. Isolation is her enemy right now. She needs human support and warmth.

 

Notice all the above doesn't cure cancer. That's fine. What she can get from friends is a sense of love, peace, not being alone, not being abandoned. People are terrified of death ... but they're equally, if not more terrified, of dying alone and unappreciated ... and she'll need friends in addition to whatever family she has.

 

People in her situation often don't have the confidence and strength to tell YOU what they need. They actually need friends to take the firm initiative visit them, talk to them. Don't wait for her to ask. My ex was way too fragile to call people and ask for favors. Take her food. Take her out. Call and say you want to take her to dinner ... and then you can walk and talk. I want to take you to dinner this week. I'd like to take you to dinner today. I want to come visit you.

 

The magic potion of friends--hugs! ... Just hugging and holding her is amazingly healing. You give her hugs and love and make clear that you are going to be there ... she can push aside the loneliness and feeling like a freak and feeling like the universe has picked on her ... and just get on with the treatment. Oh and you can hug and simply cry. No need for words. Words are somewhat useless right now. She needs to feel your warmth and connection, human skin and touch.

 

It's OK for you to cry ... sob when you see her. Don't feel any need to suppress sobs and tears. Tears from a friend, strange as it sounds, are actually a sign that the friend deeply cares to the core of their being. It's incredibly moving to the other person. Remember, there is no such thing as making her sadder. She has stage 4 ... she is sad and scared 24/7 literally. It's always on her mind.

 

And if you are ever disturbing her, she will tell you. But trust me: that's not the danger. The danger is "let me know what I can do." Again, people with serious illness are too stressed and fragile to call up people and say, "I need X on Y day" ... They feel so vulnerable.

 

 

Some specific things to say.

 

"I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this." "I love you." Some people might say "it's so unfair that you have to deal with this. You're a wonderful person." Again you can say this with tears and that's fine.

 

Tell her what she means to you ...

 

The main thing is to push your fear aside ... you can't help her without being scared ... Think moms taking injured kids to the hospital. Moms are terrified ... that's fine ... doesn't stop mom from caretaking the kid ... the fear is part of caretaking the kid!

 

Other things:

 

You can ask, "when are your treatments?"

 

"Do you have someone to go to your treatments?"

 

"I'd like to come to one of your treatments."

 

"I wanna come over and say hi and bring you a dessert. What do you want?"

 

"I wanna come over and bring you food? What do you want?"

 

"I talked to X. Y and Z ... They all said hello and they were so sad to hear about what you're going through."

 

You can also ask, "are you comfortable telling me about your condition?"

 

It actually gives some patients a feeling of power to talk about their condition, what the doctors said and so on. Definitely ask if you feel like asking.

 

It's also likely that she'll want to hear about your life ... and even the great things in your life. Don't feel some need to hide that your life is going well. Friends get a kick out of our life going well. Strangely enough, it can give them hope. Share for real ... good ... bad ... funny ... and that intimacy will be so soothing to her. Even silly stuff like gossip ... might be fun ... for her. Let's her be light about life for a moment.

 

You may have the instinct to say "you're going to be fine." Do NOT say this, and that's not necessary in any case. Hugs, love, visits, food ... time, tears ... that will give her to strength to have hope. Just do that! And you'll give her hope.

 

My ex's treatment starting with biopsies and leading to the mastectomies and the breasts reconstruction ... took about a year ...

 

The verdict: people kept way too much distance ... she didn't need "time alone." She was alone with her thoughts and fears 24/7.

 

Just show up ... aggressively so ... and pay attention. You'll know what to do over time ... The main thing is to drop this weird idea we have that people suffering a terrible condition need space. Well if she has chemo later, sure she may be too tired for company ... but let HER or her family say that ... and you do not want to ASSUME that.

 

Prepare to go on a journey. Again, you'll be scared ... but this is one of those situations where the fear is not a signal to back off! Just the opposite.

 

I've rambled ... here are some links ...

 

 

https://www.cancercare.org/blog/cancer-i-care-i-weighs-in-what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer?gclid=CjwKCAjwibzsBRAMEiwA1pHZrij0tEQDA9AO7papfmKWstXgD-02hmevhcPXvGNUZgx8kDyPsCFl8BoCmuMQAvD_BwE

 

https://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/talking-with-family-and-friends/supporting-friend-who-has-cancer

 

She's lucky to have you!

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks, but when you say drop this weird idea to keep distance, am I keeping distance though? I didn't think I was.

 

Also, I know the cancer is spreading fast. I am not doctor, but it seems to me that if she has surgery and has her cervix removed along with other parts around that area, that may be infected, that she has a chance of getting rid of it then. But the doctors say surgery is too risky, but since the spread of stage 4 cancer is deadly, wouldn't that be worth the risk though? It seems maybe the doctors are hoping for that will very well not come later perhaps? Or maybe they have the right answer, but I hope they are exploring all the best options to try to stop it.

Edited September 29, 2019 by ironpony

[schlumpy]

I live in the USA and it is generally recommended that people get a second opinion when the illness is life threatening. Be prepared to accept that the prognosis will be the same.

 

Cancer comes in varieties. Some types are very aggressive and others with the right treatment can be lived with. Outcomes and reaction to treatment can be different for everyone because our genetic makeup is different.

 

I have read recently where they has been some success in a technique where researchers use a sample of the cancerous tissue to create antibodies that rev up the patients immune system to destroy cancer cells. You would have to talk to an expert about it.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, so should I advise her to get outside opinions then? Cause she seems to be doing whatever the doctors say.

 

My friend also said that his uncle had stage 4 cancer but was able to live a lot longer so far cause he had some sort of cannibis treatment. But he had to go outside the scope of the hospital doctors to get such a treatment. Should I recommend that she look into that, or ask about it?

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh okay thanks, but when you say drop this weird idea to keep distance, am I keeping distance though? I didn't think I was.

 

Also, I know the cancer is spreading fast. I am not doctor, but it seems to me that if she has surgery and has her cervix removed along with other parts around that area, that may be infected, that she has a chance of getting rid of it then. But the doctors say surgery is too risky, but since the spread of stage 4 cancer is deadly, wouldn't that be worth the risk though? It seems maybe the doctors are hoping for that will very well not come later perhaps? Or maybe they have the right answer, but I hope they are exploring all the best options to try to stop it.

 

Worrying about “prying” is keeping distance … I’ll exaggerate … imagine you’re driving or walking on a road … and you see a car carsh and you see a person thrown from a car, and this person is now lying in the middle of the road. You’re going to stop, call emergency services and then see what you can do to help the person in the middle of the road. You’re not going to worry about “prying.” There is no such thing as “prying” in this situation. And yes, you’ll be terrified as you approach the person on the ground. Their body might be disfigured … distorted, shredded, but you’ll want to go right up to the person to see what you can do.

 

Well your friend is very much like someone who’s been thrown from a car in a nasty car crash … and is now lying in the middle of the road. She doesn’t need distance or someone worrying about "prying." The cancer diagnosis itself has already pried into her life and taken over. She needs someone to come right up to her and hold her hand … throw a blanket on her … encourage her … hold her hand until emergency help arrives … and she might need someone to ride with her in the ambulance as she goes to the hospital.

 

On the treatment, tread really cautiously here … I would say talk to her family about any treatment ideas you have … any treatment questions you have. With your friend, just ask “can I ask about what the doctors are saying?” And then listen … and do NOT dismiss her by suggesting she do x, y and z.

 

I don’t mean this in a mean way … really I don’t … but when you focus on making sure she gets the right treatment … it’s 99 percent of the time very unhelpful. Cancer doctors unfortunately are quite good at figuring out when someone’s cancer is fast-moving and deadly. And pathologists are quite good at examining biopsies and figuring out what kind of cancer strain the person has. My ex got a second opinion on her cancer, but her primary cancer surgeon, the one who oversaw her treatment, told her (and me—I was there) that my ex’s cancer was pretty easy to determine. She got the second opinion anyway from another pathologist … and the determination was the same.

 

Just background: when a cancer metastasizes, you can remove the tissue that the cancer was found in originally ... and that often does no good. You can google this if you want ... but once the cancer spreads ... you're in real trouble.

 

But you really do NOT want to get into this … And again, I don’t mean this as an insult though it may sound a bit like an insult … The people you want to ask questions about treatment with … are her family … or other friends in the know.

 

So here we go:

 

There is nothing ruder than to be suffering some major confirmed condition and then when you tell people, they say something like, “have you tried vitamins?” … “Did you go to the right doctor?” "Have you thought of X? Have you thought of Y?"

 

Totally rude to the patient … totally dismissive … totally frustrating for the patient to be asked this … The patient is usually past that … is now trying to focus on what is! … what has been diagnosed …. When we ask about treatment, it can come off as assuming the patient is an idiot, like they’re so dumb that they wouldn’t think of asking the doctors about their treatment plan … so dumb, they wouldn’t think of getting a second opinion. Sure, you can ask “I don’t know if you’ve already done this … and excuse my ignorance please … but does it make sense to get a second opinion?” Ask the question that way.

 

But questioning the diagnosis most of the time ... is sorta like having someone tell you their house has burned down ... and saying to them, "are you sure it's your house? are you sure it's no longer standing?"

 

What is fine is to ask “are you comfortable telling me what the doctors are saying?” And shut up and listen … and let yourself react and assume the doctors are right. If you have concerns about the competence of her doctors, talk to her family about this—unless she directly asks.

 

My mother got diagnosed with cancer near the end of her life. Her geriatric doctor diagnosed this through a blood test, I think, and through my mother’s symptoms. But she sent my mother to a top oncologist of course. The oncologist was clear: my mother’s was an extremely fast-moving cancer … and the medical community did NOT have any good treatments for it. Sure we read around and checked … but my mom’s geriatric doctor had said the same thing. The husband of a friend of mine is an oncologist and I briefly asked him about the diagnosis. He agreed that the strain my mother had had a terrible treatment record. Translation: no chemo would be of help. My mom would die soon of the cancer.

 

The reason you want to tread really cautiously here … is because you risk reverting to being a juvenile, a kid (and I mean this not as an insult again!) … Kids don’t want to face reality, can’t really face the dark side of reality … Kids don’t want to believe that mom and dad are really separating, that people really die, that some people get conditions that are not treatable, that people who are good people get bad conditions all the time and often die from these conditions, just through bad luck.

 

Your friend needs an adult friend …someone who can look the worst of life directly in the face and hang in there and hold her hand and hug her and comfort her through this darkness … as she approaches this darkness. She doesn’t need kid-like fantasy … of avoiding reality ... unless she is in that space of avoiding reality.

 

But most of the time, if a friend presents as a child … then the patient has to then take care of the friend! … which is just enormous emotional work and not what a patient should be doing as they confront mortality. It used to drive my ex nuts and drive me nuts when people acted as if they could figure out this situation … in ways that we couldn’t. We had asked the doctors, multiple doctors, a hundred different questions … and these were tops at a top national medical center ... had them repeat their answers … visited the oncologist who did radiation, talked to the oncologist who did chemo, talked all along with the surgical oncologist, talked to the hospital social worker who had worked with hundreds of patients with my ex’s diagnosis.

 

It's hard for a patient to come out of denial ... it's not helpful--it's downright frustrating, alienating and exhausting--for the patient to have friends still in denial ... and yes too much optimism can lead to "denial."

 

Now … cancel all the above is your friend tells you that she doesn’t believe the diagnosis … and has hope that the diagnosis is wrong and is looking for new doctors and new opinions about treatment. And by not believe, I don’t mean your friend says, “This is so hard to understand.” That’s just a statement of confusion that is typical as we face mortality and illness. But if she literally says, I think the doctors are wrong and I’m going to live til 90 … then you can say “Ok, that sounds like a good idea” that she is getting a second opinion. But don’t go overboard here.

 

 

Now I'll go back to your original question. My friend has been diagnosed with cancer and I want to know if I can help.

 

Shift your frame. Help in this situation is NOT curing the cancer. Help is accompanying your friend on this terrifying, horrible and lonely journey. That's the help she needs. Talk to her family if you really must ... to sure the basics have been covered as far as diagnosis and treatment. Assuming your friend is not from a totally ignorant family, they will have asked all the questions you have asked. Will have asked them multiple times.

 

But the way you can help ... is to take your friend's hand and comfort her through the rest of this journey, so she feels loved and comforted and not alone. And believe it or not, feeling loved by good friends makes a huge difference.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, well I could send her family and email on facebook then, but what should I say exactly?

 

As for saying have you done this, have you done that, etc.... It seems like a paradox to me cause how am I suppose to be suggesting ideas, if I cannot do it without sounding dismissive?

[Lotsgoingon]

That's the point ... is is NOT your job to be suggesting ideas. That's the point. Going into this situation thinking you can solve it before you have even learned anything directly from her or her family ... is being in kid-like, fantasy denial ... of no help to your friend.

 

It's not your job to be her medical mommy--unless she appoints you as such!

 

So ...what to say? First throw out the idea that you are going to bring some magic potion or insight that she and her family and her doctors have missed. Then be honest ... Trust me: other than being in denial, you cannot make her situation worse.

 

To her family:

 

Dear Mrs. X,

 

I have heard terrible news that Mary (whatever name) is ill and has cancer.

 

Or if you're scared of the C-word:

 

I've heard terrible news that Mary is not doing well. Mary is so important to me because of X, Y and Z. She's such a wonderful person.

 

I'm hoping against hope that what I've heard is wrong. I am devastated. I don't know how to ask this, but can you share any updates on her condition that you are comfortable sharing?

 

I would like to come by and see Mary. Of course, I'm scared and sad and hoping this is all a nightmare that will go away. But I want to support her and hug her and be there for her.

 

I want to come by and see her. Should I contact her directly? Can you tell me the best way to do that?

 

Let whoever respond.

 

In a followup you can ask your awkward questions.

I'm sorry to have to ask this, but should I mention or not mention the word "cancer" when I talk to her? I would appreciate any suggestions.

 

Then contact her ... show up and see her ... Period. Show up! ... Offer to bring food if you want. Wipe suggestions off your mind! ... Just show up.

 

The patient knows how awkward and strange other people are feeling--they feel that themselves. They know you'll be nervous. They're nervous! ... So don't wait for a time when you feel "ready." You'll never feel ready.

[ironpony]

yeah I know I don't know the answers, I just want to make sure all the bases are covered and nothing is missed. Like how my friend mentioned the cannabis treatment that helped his uncle lived four more years now than expected. I feel like all treatments should be mentioned to her before it's too late, if that makes sense. I'm not doing this to be her mommy, I just don't want her to die of course.

[basil67]

Ironpony, I agree with other posters that the discussion of treatment is something between your friend, her partner and her doctors.

 

Re your friend and the cannabis, it's terrific that he lived longer than expected. But the outcome is more likely to be correlation rather than causation. There are also different treatment methods for different cancers and their severity. Your suggestions, while well intentioned, are likely to be annoying rather than helpful.

[ironpony]

I see what you mean. But another post pointed out that I should not, not say anything just cause I am worried about being annoying though. So not sure how to bring such things up therefore.

[basil67]

But the doctors say surgery is too risky, but since the spread of stage 4 cancer is deadly, wouldn't that be worth the risk though?

 

A doctor's mantra is "First, do no harm" Therefore the decision of "Too risky" means that the likely outcome of the surgery is that the outcome would be more harmful than palliative care she will be going through. The result of surgery could mean anything from death on the table to much worse pain while she's dying. While you may be willing to take the risk if it was your illness, she and the doctors don't feel the same as you.

 

If you want to help, offer your services. But don't try and play doctor.

[ajequals]

stage 4 in bad ,it's probably everywhere. not much you can do, they won't do a transplant. just be there to talk to her if she needs you ,it's a painful experience

[ironpony]

Oh okay, it's just I'm going by my friend's uncles experience, where the uncle sought a treatment outside the scope of the doctors which seems to have helped better, so I thought someone should mention options to her that are elsewhere, just so she knows all options.