My friend has been diagnosed with cancer and I want to know if I can help.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh okay, it's just I'm going by my friend's uncles experience, where the uncle sought a treatment outside the scope of the doctors which seems to have helped better, so I thought someone should mention options to her that are elsewhere, just so she knows all options.

 

SHE KNOWS. She will not need you to tell her.

[ironpony]

Well I don't know if she knows. I have had aunts and uncles die of cancer, and none of them new about any cannibis treatment. This is the first I have heard of it, so it seems that not everyone knows about this therefore.

[basil67]

Ironpony, what evidence are you finding for cannabis curing cancer? When I say evidence, I don't mean one person who took cannabis and didn't die of cancer. I mean actual trials.

[ironpony]

I'm just going by what my friend told me about his uncle. But I feel if you are already at stage 4, you might as well, try it, cause at that point, what you have you got to loose right? I think at stage 4, you shouldn't be not trying anything.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm just going by what my friend told me about his uncle. But I feel if you are already at stage 4, you might as well, try it, cause at that point, what you have you got to loose right? I think at stage 4, you shouldn't be not trying anything.

 

But at stage 4, you'd be online (and elsewhere) researching anything and everything, and also having a zillion people giving you their opinion. You would not be the first, so maybe just be different and not do that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

@ironpony, I have a friend whose teenage daughter has had a continuous migraine for 3 years. She had to drop out of high school because of it (got her GED) and it's been a horrendous journey of trips to specialists, week-long stays in hospitals, etc. They have tried everything. Still, the migraine persists.

 

I ONLY send her messages with suggestions if I hear of something so totally outside of the norm of what has already been suggested for migraine relief. I assume they've heard about Botox, acupuncture, cannabis, chiropractic care, because this is their life. So I would never suggest anything like that because it's almost like an insult......that I think they are so dumb they would not have researched all this already. I read a story about a young woman whose years-long migraine went away finally after she got pregnant and gave birth. This is "outside the norm." So I told her about it.

 

Just trying to give you some perspective: people with debilitating or terminal illnesses are already researching every possible treatment or cure because the Internet exists.

 

Now, if your friend lives in a remote area with no Internet access and/or is otherwise very ignorant, by all means, share your opinions. If that's not the case, do not do this.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, well right now she is just doing chemo but I don't want her to think that is the only thing she can do.

[basil67]

You have no evidence that there are other options. Please let it drop.

[ironpony]

Okay, i just want to do make sure all options are being explored. I still feel I should mention the cannibis treatment cause I think my friend was telling the truth about his uncle living longer as a result, so I still think it should be mentioned therefore.

[basil67]

So you're going to say to her "A friend of a friend is still alive allegedly because of some cannabis treatment. I don't know about the research behind what he did. His cancer wasn't the same as yours. I don't know if it was as bad as yours. Most importantly, I don't know what other treatments he used concurrently...but you should know"

 

Do you realise how nuts this sounds?

[Lotsgoingon]

Go visit your friend. Call her. Quit this procrastinating and fantasizing.

 

Trust me: not just her ... but her entire family has spend hundreds of hours on google. No, get out of denial. She's most likely in the process of dying, and there is most likely no cure ... probably only a possibility of getting lucky to extend her life a bit ... which can be great!

 

To go in thinking you've got magical answers because of a story of someone's uncle is the equivalent of hearing that a friend's house is burning and going there and telling her there are superhero ways of stopping the fire and magically rebuilding the house on the spot ... because "My uncle's cousin did this."

 

OP, I'll link to a favorite thread on LS. It's a thread by a woman whose boyfriend was ill ... and who was in the hospital the final months of his life. She ended up marrying this guy (he wanted to get married) and she posted here about dress choices and all of that. People here coached her in the most compassionate way as she was dealing with the impossible: the man she loved was dying (though it wasn't always obvious that he was dying).

 

Anyway, this woman, Shauna (see the link) ... spent almost no time trying to second guess the doctors. She spent time trying to emotionally take care of her man, loving him, spending nights with him, cuddling him, talking to him about life.

 

You cannot save your friend ... You can only be a friend ... and being a friend is huge. Go be with your friend.

 

Here's the great thread from Shauna. Her first post was in January. Her husband died in April ... She has recently updated the thread to talk about her ongoing grief. Shauna was amazing. BTW: she includes mentions of times when friends didn't visit her husband ... flaked out ... kept distance ... though she's not judgmental or harsh. Don't be one of those friends.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/675251-date-hospital-after-hospital

[vla1120]

Okay, i just want to do make sure all options are being explored. I still feel I should mention the cannibis treatment cause I think my friend was telling the truth about his uncle living longer as a result, so I still think it should be mentioned therefore.

 

When I was going through cancer treatment (both times), I was probably considered difficult to deal with. I did not want anyone's opinion about what treatment I should or should not try. I sought the best care I could find (by doing my own research), then got a second opinion, then went with the team I felt was best going to address my illness and needs. I actually used to get angry at friends who would bring alternative medications/treatments to my attention.

 

I used to tell my friends - "Come and sit with me while I am going through treatment." or "Go to lunch with me and talk about ANYTHING but cancer." If you want to be a friend to her, then be just that, by asking what SHE needs most, then adhering to her wishes.

[ironpony]

Yeah it's just she has been transferred to another city now that's about a days drive away, so I would have to take time off work, maybe a friday or monday here and there, to drive up on the weekends. But she said she doesn't think it would be a good idea to come visit in the next few months she said. Why would she say that do you think?

Edited October 4, 2019 by ironpony

[vla1120]

Yeah it's just she has been transferred to another city now that's about a days drive away, so I would have to take time off work, maybe a friday or monday here and there, to drive up on the weekends. But she said she doesn't think it would be a good idea to come visit in the next few months she said. Why would she say that do you think?

 

It’s possible she wants to navigate the treatment on her own or with an immediate family member. Whatever the reason, the best thing you can do as a friend is respect her wishes. You could send her a care package that she would probably appreciate with magazines, her favorite snack (though she may not have much of an appetite, it’s always good to have your favorite snacks on hand), etc.

[ironpony]

Yep I was actually thinking of doing that, but don't know where she is. I perhaps could contact her bf for suggestions and help on that but he is a rather new bf and I don't know him to well yet.

[haikss3]

What you both have to lose? Could as well go dont to the church and get Christians praying for her! My church buddies recently prayed about one girl's dad and afterwards, doctors said that its a miracle that he can stand up and walk.

[ironpony]

Oh yeah I am praying for her and have asked others to to. But since she doesn't want me to visit her and seems to be avoiding it, how can I find out where she is staying so I can send her some gifts? I can ask the parents I guess as long as it's not inappropriate since they don't remember who I am.

[basil67]

She doesn’t want your visits because she’s surrounding herself with only her nearest and dearest. We had. A neighbour who died recently who did the same thing when she was really ill. And no, I wasn’t in that list. It it not our place to question the last choices of someone who is dying.

 

Don’t send gifts. Just send a card.

[schlumpy]

She may want you to remember her as she was.

[ironpony]

Oh well we've been best friends for years since our teens and hung out all the time, through good times and bad, so I thought I was the nearest and dearest for sure.

 

She even said I was before. So I thought I would send something more than a card.

[haikss3]

Man it's painful to see someone fade away to the cancer or other illness. Words can't describe. So she really might be doing you a favor.

 

I understand that now there's this drama around her and you have problems too, that's why you are attracted to some people with problems. But in the end ask yourself - do you really need this? It's good that you don't forget your friends when they are in trouble. But perhaps she have enough close people to care about her and with only that much time left there's no space for not so important people. Circle(of close people) is closed now and nobody gets in or gets out.