Should I confront the guy who loves my wife and let her know?

[tiredandsad]

I had just started checking my wife's IM(Instant messaging) and have found out that (what I have been suspecting) he called "I" loves my wife. They meet or talk on a regular basis, and I have found out that when he came back from a long trip, he asked her if she missed him. She certainly did. I am devestated. We have 2 kids, (8 & 4), and I am not sure what to do. We have been going thru hell and back. I can not leave my kids. But, I can not leave with this deception either.

 

I will probably not trust any woman in my life again. If I can not trust a wife of 12 years, who can I trust anymore. I am lost and confused. I have been for her and my kids all the time. I know I have not been able to make her happy and that is why she has accepted his love. I do not think they have done anything (95% sure), but knowing my wife loves another and live our lives like nothing is wrong, I will have a heart attack in no time.

 

We have talked, and she has said that she knew our marriage was a mistake the very first year of our marriage, and I said then why have 2 kids? I am saddened and not sure where to go from here. I think I will go to a marriage counselor even if she does not want to. But I know where this will end.

 

I am thinking to have a talk with "I" and set him straight. But I can not change other people's feelings. We see him and his wife and 2 kids all the time. Maybe even saying something to his wife.

 

If we do separate, my 8 year old will have a nervous breakdown. She is seeing what is going on, and one night she was crying very hard and said I had a dream that you and mommy got a divorce and I was very sad. I am very scared about my kids' future and their well being. However, they can see what is going on.

 

What am I supposed to do?

[RecordProducer]

You have 3 options:

1. Ask the emotional affair to stop and work on your marriage;

2. Accept it;

3. Get divorced.

 

Obviously the first option is the best for you and the children. Yes, I think you need to confront both your wife and the other man about the EA and demand that they stop any communication. Then visit a mariage counselor.

 

I don't know if involving the OM's wife is wise, it's up to you to decide. But you definitely have a right to demand from your wife to quit talking to him.

[portableversion]

i think I spelled it right.

 

It's an ancient Indian (Hindu) text on how to live your life.

 

There is a story about a son who was the rightful heir to the throne, but his corrupt uncle stole it from him, and now the son was confused. so he went to local guru who advised him thus: that what is rightfully YOURS is YOURS. So do what it takes to get it BACK. And then the son killed his corrupt uncle and allies, and thus sat on the throne that was his.

 

The book went on and applied this advice to other difficult situations, one being the one YOU are in now.

 

Your FAMILY is at stake, and this azzhole doesn't seem to care. Confront him, threaten to beat his ass, trash his car and tell his wife if he doesn't back

off. It is YOUR life and YOUR family that is at stake here. With him sniffing around, it makes everything hard. IF someone tried to steal your car in front of your face, what would you do?

[portableversion]

Also tell the OM that he better not tell your wife about your 'conversation'. It's best if he just 'break it off' without her knowing what really happenend.

[Cecelius]

I dunno if you want to dignify this other POS by speaking to him at all, and you sure don't need trouble with the law over him, and, apparently, a faithless woman. I would avoid it completely.

 

You can, however, talk to your wife and get that straightened out. Marriage is not fair and there is nothing that you can do or get from her that will make this right (how the marriage was so wrong but she still stuck around and took the advantages of the security you provided, etc., etc.). But you can end this affair on your terms.

 

Personally, the emotional health of a child is paramount but that does not mean becoming someone's chump. Part of taking care of her CAN or MIGHT be showing her that a man doesn't take this kind of crap and that there are consequenses for actions.

[reddog63]

Check out marriagebuilders.com........think that is name of site.......has concrete steps for you to take if interested in saving marriage. I am not pushing site, but I have read it and they do have others in your situation and a certain game plan for these type situations.

 

Just a thought that may help.......good luck.

[reservoirdog1]

You say she's told you she knew the marriage was a mistake during the first year. That's huge, and not something to be brushed off.

 

What she's in is an emotional affair. Do you know if it was her first? Or if she's been faithful to you physically during the marriage? If she's been on-and-off miserable for twelve years, it may not have been her first.

 

Absolutely, there has to be no contact with that guy. Then, she has to come clean to you. Your situation is starting to sound like my own.

[RecordProducer]

threaten to beat his ass, trash his car and tell his wife if he doesn't back

off. It is YOUR life and YOUR family that is at stake here. With him sniffing around, it makes everything hard. IF someone tried to steal your car in front of your face, what would you do?

 

Portable, with all respect, a spouse is not your possession like a car and you can't rape anyone's love. Eventually his actions will tumble down on his head. His wife will find another emotional affair if this guy is forced to stop communicating with her. His wife needs to have the desire to stop the EA and work on the marriage rather. Otherwise, it's humiliating and futile.

You don't achieve anything by cutting the branches, you need to cut the roots.

[alphamale]

You don't achieve anything by cutting the branches, you need to cut the roots.

so then RP....you think TIREDANDSAD should shoot his wife multiple times?

[lindya]

If we do separate, my 8 year old will have a nervous breakdown. She is seeing what is going on, and one night she was crying very hard and said I had a dream that you and mommy got a divorce and I was very sad. I am very scared about my kids' future and their well being. However, they can see what is going on.

 

What am I supposed to do?

 

What an awful situation

 

Your daughter is living in fear of the very real prospect that her parents will split up. As long as this uncertainty (about what's to be done with the marriage) continues, that fear will continue.

 

People always advise against issuing ultimatums in relationships, but I don't think you can prevaricate for too long in making a decision in this case. Not when there are children involved, and those children are experiencing the extreme stress of witnessing a marital breakdown.

 

I'd advise you to fix up an initial appointment with a marriage counsellor so that you can find out a bit more about what relationship counselling could offer both of you. Then it would be an idea to make an appointment with a family lawyer. A reputable one will want to establish whether the breakdown of the marriage is irretrievable - so if you find yourself talking to a lawyer who's keen to dive right into divorce proceedings, please find yourself another one.

 

Once you've found a suitable lawyer, they can write to your wife acknowledging the marital difficulties and emphasising that at this stage you don't see the situation as being irretrievable (assuming, from what you wrote in your post, that that's your current position). They can give her a time limit to respond to a proposal that the two of you attend marital counselling. If she doesn't respond, or rejects the proposal, then you need to make a decision about what to do next. A combination of personal counselling and independent legal advice would seem to be the best means of equipping yourself to make the right decision.

 

It's vital that from day one you not only take the action that is in your children's best interests, but that you DEMONSTRATE that you're doing so. If the marriage does end, then custody of or contact with the children may well be an issue.

[Bryanp]

It is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife to let her know what is going on. This is called exposure and it is absolutely essential according to marriagebuilders. By not telling the OM's wife you are in fact enabling the affair to continue and get stronger. Most of the time the OM will ditch the affair partner and go back to the marriage. You must expose the OM to his wife as soon as possible.

[reservoirdog1]

bryanp's right. An essential component of an affair is secrecy. By telling his wife, you're removing that. Not only that, but you're (hopefully) getting his wife working on her marriage from her end, and making it harder for the OM to keep going after your wife. Two sets of eyes are better than one.

[RecordProducer]

That's all correct and will lead to results, but it's in his best interest that the wife ditches the other man, not that she is forced to stop communicating with him! Now how come you don't understand this? You're advising him to force his wife back in the marriage. Then she will find another EA.

 

The point is not that the OM goes back to his wife, but that TAS' wife goes back to him by her own choice.

[jonybgood]

I have to agree with Record Producer on that one. You must remember that she is not your posesion, but your partner. You cannot rightfully force anyond to do anything.

 

I am in a situation very, very similar to yours except I was not lucky enough to find out about the emotional (possibly physical) affair till after we had already broken up. You know what is being done, but do you know why it is being done? You have to get to the why or it will continue. She is lacking something in her life and only she can figure out what it is. Closely examine yourself. It is very hard I know. I recomend checking out Marriage Builders.com and reading the book "Tough Love". Don't make any rash decisons like telling her to get out until you have exhausted every possibility. it is a lot easier to fix a marraige when you are together than when you are seperated.

 

You do have to let her know though, that under no circumstances do you, nor will you, condone any kind of affair. Physical or emotional. You have to let her know where you stand and have the guts to go through with it. If she does end up going it will take some time, but you will be better off for it. You and your children deserve better than she is giving any of you right now. whatever you do do not beg or chase her, it will only make her run harder from you.

[Coffee Gal]

I TOTALLY agree with the person who told you to visit a divorce lawyer and get him to send your wife a letter giving her a deadline to go to marriage counselling. That sounded like some real sane advice. And if you and the kids were able to stay with your Mom and Dad meantime, that would probably be better for all of you. It must be hard for your little girl to see all this fighting and tension happening.

 

I DON'T agree with the stuff about thinking you can get some marriage building website to solve all your problems. What if you just end up just being sucked into reading psychobabble on that website all day, trying to apply it to your own life in some half-assed way (without 1-1 assistance from someone who's actually qualified in this sort of thing) and ending up sinking into even more depression?

 

You need to be practical and no-nonsense here, setting down deadlines for your wife to deal with this problem and looking after your kids' interests.

 

It'll be better for them if they can see you act confident and in control of the situation, without getting all nasty about it. They might not want you and your wife to break up, but in the long run it'll be even worse for them if things drag on and on the way they are just now.

[Cecelius]

That's all correct and will lead to results, but it's in his best interest that the wife ditches the other man, not that she is forced to stop communicating with him! Now how come you don't understand this? You're advising him to force his wife back in the marriage. Then she will find another EA.

 

The point is not that the OM goes back to his wife, but that TAS' wife goes back to him by her own choice.

 

I agree with the facts of what you say.

 

I also believe as a personal matter that what is more important than getting the woman back (because she clearly has diminished value now and always will) is his dignity and pride. That comes before a faithless partner.

 

I just don't think its dignified to beat up the other guy. Why trouble yourself that much over that kind of woman.