wtm78 Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 I have problems in my marriage. And I think it's my fault. Maybe I don't love her enough, maybe I am not man enough. I don't think I can take care of her anymore. I don't think I can bring her happiness. I know it's the husband duty to love and to cherish the wife and to protect and take care of her. I don't think I can. I know I'm selfish, but I don't want to clean up her mess anymore. I'm tired of making sure she don't drop into a hole and nagging to watch out and see her eventually step into that hole anyway and having to pull her out again. Perhaps that is he job of the husband to always clear up the wife mess. But I maybe I'm selfish or I don't love her enough. I am tired of that. For a while now, I have been thinking of a life as a single man for the rest of my life verse the life being married with her but miserable for the rest of life. I'm miserable. I have not been happy. Neither has she. She is a trooper still hanging on. But I'm the opposite I don't know what I am hanging on to. I don't think I can make her happy and be happy myself. My business is also failing, I don't know if I am going to be in debt. But I'm very certain if she marries someone else,, she would be taken care of and she would be happier. Maybe I just need to pick up my courage and get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Why do you think it’s your job to rescue her? If she’s broken in some way she’s an adult and it’s her responsibility to get fixed. I’m not sure why you are doing for her what she should be doing for herself. That’s an unhealthy dynamic and you’re both contributing to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted September 29, 2019 Author Share Posted September 29, 2019 Hmm.. I'm not sure if I'm trying to rescue her. I am trying to stop her getting both of us into trouble. But she does anyway even though I told her what to avoid. Then I got to get us out of the trouble. If I tell her to go solve the problems and get us out of the trouble. Most like we will end up in deeper hole. I can't trust her for anything now. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Does she work? And what trouble is she causing? Be specific. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Some people are not good at taking advice and always have to "learn the hard way". Can you be more specific about what the problems/screw ups are? If you think you might be going into debt, spousal support on top of that is not going to help, so that's something to think about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Can you be more specific about what the problems/screw ups are? Agreed, without context almost meaningless. If she's dealing drugs for the Mexican Cartel, the OP should run far and fast. But if she keeps misplacing the car keys, he might consider the other pluses in the relationship. My ex was like a petulant child, so I know the feeling of being the only adult in the relationship. If it's three steps back for every two forward, might be time to more seriously consider alternatives... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 What kinds of messes and holes is she getting herself into that you need to get her out of? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Op must’ve fallen into one of those holes yesterday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I'm not really following, and there is very little information provided. It sounds to me though OP that you are the one that is broken, not your wife. Husbands and wives take care of each other. It's not all one sided. Although you make it sound like it is one sided. Can you provide some more details so we can better understand your situation better? Link to post Share on other sites
Peacemaker1 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 It seems that you already have a plan on how it should end. Consider going to a marriage counselor, together and maybe individually as well. Sometimes it is just a matter of perspective. Married people see the same situation from different angles and having a mediator can clear up things so that you can have some form of harmony. I might be wrong but from the limited information, it seems like there is hope in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 My business is also failing, I don't know if I am going to be in debt. But I'm very certain if she marries someone else,, she would be taken care of and she would be happier ^^^ This I guess is the main issue... It is a crisis of confidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
6dGayleMaree Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 It's time to sit down and talk to her. Say exactly what you told us. Two people should enhance each others lives, not debilitate it. You really have to go with what's in your heart. It's guiding you and is the only way you'll be happy. Talk to her. She's an adult. She may surprise you if you tell her you're hurting too. Link to post Share on other sites
staygrateful Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) I have problems in my marriage. And I think it's my fault. Maybe I don't love her enough, maybe I am not man enough. I don't think I can take care of her anymore...... I can relate to much of what you posted. I had so many of those same feelings/thoughts. She finally gave me what I thought I wanted and left and now we are separated, going through a divorce and she has moved on completely and is with someone else. Part of me feels like maybe I dodged a bullet and she never loved me if she could move on so quick and already be with someone else. The other part of me is miserable and feels like I pushed her right into the arms of another man. You think you want the single life until you're living it. At a younger age I wouldn't mind but I'm at a time in my life now where it's strictly work and raising my kids which makes it next to impossible to find someone else once our divorce is final. I see myself dying a lonely old man. Edited October 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 It's time to sit down and talk to her. Say exactly what you told us. Two people should enhance each others lives, not debilitate it. You really have to go with what's in your heart. It's guiding you and is the only way you'll be happy. Talk to her. She's an adult. She may surprise you if you tell her you're hurting too. Actually we have this talk so many times. Once we talk she blames me for a whole list of things. But what I brought up was never address. Even if I address her list of things she is blaming me for. She will just have a sweeping statement for me saying that she is just like that, she can't control herself. My frustrations just keeps building up Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Actually we have this talk so many times. Once we talk she blames me for a whole list of things. But what I brought up was never address. Even if I address her list of things she is blaming me for. She will just have a sweeping statement for me saying that she is just like that, she can't control herself. My frustrations just keeps building up I suggest marriage counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 If your concerns are only answered with her own then there will never be a resolution. She’s (and maybe you are too) an ineffective communicator. That’s not going to change without some effort on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
staygrateful Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 Actually we have this talk so many times. Once we talk she blames me for a whole list of things. But what I brought up was never address. Even if I address her list of things she is blaming me for. She will just have a sweeping statement for me saying that she is just like that, she can't control herself. My frustrations just keeps building up Wow this really sounds so similar to what I just went through. At the beginning you said maybe you didn’t love her enough or weren’t man enough. Why do you say that? Is she making you think that or are there personal reasons for why you feel that way? You also spoke of always having to clean up her messes and falling into these holes? Would you mind elaborating further? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 I suggest marriage counselling. i did... 2 years ago, we went marriage counselling. initially we went together.. she just sat there and cry. then the counselor made us attend sessions separately. i went for my sessions for a year... she went for another 2-3 sessions, which the counselor mentioned that wife just sat there and cry. after that, she refuses to attend.. so counselor and i thought she might want to change a counselor. then wife went to find one and i went counselling with her. and in less that 3min into the sessions that senior counselor did not stop bombarding me that i have a defective brain and that brain of mine is beyond repair and is dysfunctional. for 90 mins he bombarded me while wife sat there quietly. i wanted to leave but i stayed for my wife.. i went back to my own counselor and told her about this incident. and she ask me why did i not stand up and walk out of the room. i told her i stayed for my wife. some weeks later my wife booked another session and i told my counselor that i dont want to go back there and becoming a punching bag, but my counselor encourage me to continue with that counselor for my wife sake. so i did. i went the second time. and again that counselor keep bombarding my that i have a faulty brain once he enter the room. that second i stood up and left. i continued with my own counselor for another few months until she told me there is nothing left she can do for me. so i ended counselling. i went another 1 year without counselling, nothing changed. even though wife promised to go see a psychiatrist for her depression. she didnt. few months back i went back to see another counselor... and i told wife if she is not going then its best to get divorce. but the counselor wants to get to know us individually first.. but i keep telling them i dont want to end up like the last time, she just attend a few sessions and then stop going... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 If your concerns are only answered with her own then there will never be a resolution. She’s (and maybe you are too) an ineffective communicator. That’s not going to change without some effort on her part. you are right! last sunday i asked her out to have a meal then have a talk. so i asked her if she wants to continue the separation or what? she say she does not want status quo so she guess its either working together or get a divorce. i say thats right! so how does she suggest we should do that? and her answer was "my only issues were that you are 1. xxxx, 2. xxxx 3, xxxx ..... " so i said "am i the only one with the issues to change? she said " no.. but my only issues were that you are 1. xxxx, 2. xxxx 3, xxxx ..... " i said "seriously, are you suggesting that i am the only problem here? you have no part to play?" she said "no.. i never said that, but my only issues were that you are 1. xxxx, 2. xxxx 3, xxxx ..... " this conversation goes on for 2hrs... it didnt end well... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 Wow this really sounds so similar to what I just went through. At the beginning you said maybe you didn’t love her enough or weren’t man enough. Why do you say that? Is she making you think that or are there personal reasons for why you feel that way? You also spoke of always having to clean up her messes and falling into these holes? Would you mind elaborating further? At the beginning you said maybe you didn’t love her enough or weren’t man enough. Why do you say that? - everyone just immediately assumes that it is my fault since i dont know.. she is a girl.. i guess.. everyone keeps telling me to give in to her.. to let her have what she wants... be a rock.. dont be affected by her emotions... be tough.. you are a guy... but noone knows how she hurts herself when she is emotion, how she threaten suicide. how she stab herself with scissors, and smash a mug into her face and it broke and she wants to continue smashing into her face.. and how she left herself roll down the staircase... so ya, everyone tells me i am not man enough... ou also spoke of always having to clean up her messes and falling into these holes? Would you mind elaborating further? - sometimes i see things about to happen and i warn her and i tell her how to avoid it.. but she doesnt listen.. sometimes its small issue, sometimes its big... once i bought a photo frame as a souvenir for my grandma.. and she was packing it into the luggage, so i told her no.. dont do that, the glass on the frame will break, and even if she manages to get it into the luggage, when we check-in, the airport staff might throw the luggage and break the frame, it will be best hand carried. she nodded and the very next thing i heard cracked, she continue to squeeze the frame into the luggage. another time we were travelling, she had 2 huge check in luggage, so when we landed i asked her to take my hand carry and wait for me at the taxi stand while i go get the 2 huge luggage. while i came out with the 2 luggage, i saw some bags in the middle of the airport. guess what, it was my hand carry, with my passport, house keys, wallet, my ID.... these was after the previous time while we were travelling, i lost my hand carry with my passport, house keys, wallet, my ID.... because i ask her to help to take care of that while i get her 2 huge luggage. she left my bags on the bus on the way to the train station. so should i have told her to carry her own 2 huge luggage herself while i handle my own hand carry? of course, some (like her mom) might say, i should carry my own hand carry its my own responsibility and at the same time go carry the 2 huge luggage below the bus in the cargo section because i am the guy... so yeah.. not man enough to do everything... Link to post Share on other sites
staygrateful Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 (edited) At the beginning you said maybe you didn’t love her enough or weren’t man enough. Why do you say that? Is she currently prescribed meds? Sorry if I missed that in the thread if you already covered it but cutting herself with scissors and smashing her face with a coffee mug is def very scary behavior. Do the family members know of those incidents when they expect you to be the rock? I completely get that feeling of needing to be the man and the one who remains strong through everything but her behaviors are extremely odd. Rolling herself down the staircase, like wth? Don't be scared to divorce and move on with your life because of what others will think of you. Doesn't sound like a very happy relationship. Edited October 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Honestly, your relationship sounds more like a parental role. No one should have to exert themselves that much to keep their partner out of trouble, honestly. And once you get a parent/child relationship going, it isn't sexy anymore and isn't what it should be. But you need to think about why you chose her. Her needing you, is that why you were drawn to her? So are you going to make the same mistake next time too? So sort all this out because if you are, no sense in trading the one you know for the one you don't. Look, needy people are just not good partners for most people, nor supremely disorganized people who can't stand on their own feet for a minute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 26, 2019 Author Share Posted October 26, 2019 Honestly, your relationship sounds more like a parental role. No one should have to exert themselves that much to keep their partner out of trouble, honestly. And once you get a parent/child relationship going, it isn't sexy anymore and isn't what it should be. But you need to think about why you chose her. Her needing you, is that why you were drawn to her? So are you going to make the same mistake next time too? So sort all this out because if you are, no sense in trading the one you know for the one you don't. Look, needy people are just not good partners for most people, nor supremely disorganized people who can't stand on their own feet for a minute. oh nooo... she wasnnt like that at all before marriage... a completely different person... before she was strong, reliable, independent, she listens when i speak. when we quarrel, she will be willing to fix things, not just saying it.. she does what she says.. after marriage, she is so fragile like thin glass, her esteem can be broken if i said the wrong thing... she say she wants to fix things, but i dont see her efforts.. she continues with her life as if nothing happens.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Ok so after marriage she is now a shell of her former self... why? She says that her only issues are that you are 1. xxxx, 2. xxxx 3, xxxx ..... What are those issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted October 26, 2019 Author Share Posted October 26, 2019 Ok so after marriage she is now a shell of her former self... why? She says that her only issues are that you are 1. xxxx, 2. xxxx 3, xxxx ..... What are those issues? Ok so after marriage she is now a shell of her former self... why? --> she is a people pleaser, her self esteem is based on how please others are.. so when there is something that i am not happy about, her whole inner self collapse... and i told her, her self confidence should not be based on me.. she cannot be look at me to give her her self esteem... and so the issues are 1. dont blame her, 2. dont be harsh, 3. be patient... before anyone jumps at me, pls see it through my lens for a moment and i wish that someone can understand what i have been going through... there is only 2 of us, and i am presenting something she did that hurts me.. and she is ultra sensitive.. no matter what i say and how i say it.. she is hurt.. simply by informing her that she hurt someone... do you know she told me now that noone in her life had told her that she hurt them and its only me... and hence i have become that terrible person in her life that is her biggest critique, because no one has told her that she did anything wrong before in her life... and patience.. you know, last year i plan a whole day out with her doing everything that she loved and places she love.. and end off with a surprise where all her friends are at this nice cosy restaurant are there waiting for her.. we had a nice dinner and it was past midnight.. one of her friends suggested second rounds of drinks.. but i was very very tired.. so i said i would pass.. and she gave me an upset, disappointment look. i told her, she can join them and be safe.. i need to go back as i was going to crash.. but she didnt want to.. and say she will go back with me.. but continue to sulk and pulk... while waiting for uber, i ask her whats wrong, she can join her friends, i am really physically going to crash.. she started grumbling that i didnt want to join her friends... so i told her i am really very tired and drink quite a bit i was going to black out soon and ask what's wrong.. then she just suddenly burst into tears and when to squat in a corner in the public space crying uncontrollably.. that day i was thinking to myself what had i gotten myself into.... she just squat there and cry and cry for 1.5hrs... i just stood there helplessly.... so yeah.. got to give it to her.. my patience had run out... Link to post Share on other sites
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