jah526 Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 If you loved him, without having told you that first? He was always badgering me about that even though he'd pretty much made it clear to me that from his perspective, it wasn't about love. So why did it mean so much to him that I had feelings for him? Because it was easier to control me and keep me on the hook if I did? Because he's a narcissist and needed the validation? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 My guess - it totally stroked his ego to hear you say that you loved and adored him... made even more wonderful that he never offered those words to you, the fact that you told him you loved him must have made him feel pretty darn special. Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Oh these MM! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlindsidedTwice Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 I agree with both of the above posts Also, I think there is something about “winning” Link to post Share on other sites
Author jah526 Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 I agree with both of the above posts Also, I think there is something about “winning” Yes, I agree with this. For the record, I never told him I loved him. He just kept badgering me to say it. Even at the time, I felt it wasn’t love, but much closer to something like addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 He was desperate to here it. I think it had something to do with his mommy issues and that he wants to feel loved my everyone. He said it to me everyday and I never reciprocated. I viewed that as him “winning”. As much as anyone can win in a dead end affair that is. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 (edited) No, my xMM never asked if I loved him, and I've not asked the same of him either. We both don't say ILY lightly, and we both said it in our own time. He was the first to confess that he had fallen for me, and I was the first to tell him that I loved him, when I realized it. We had an unexpectedly strong connection; it was never a question of who needs to say it first. It was never about who was "winning" or "holding more power". If it was a competition, I guess I "lost" the moment I fell for him. We all lost. Everyone got hurt. Edited September 30, 2019 by spiritedaway2003 Link to post Share on other sites
BlindsidedTwice Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 He was the first to confess that he had fallen for me, and I was the first to tell him that I loved him, when I realized it. We had an unexpectedly strong connection; it was never a question of who needs to say it first. It was never about who was "winning" or "holding more power". If it was a competition, I've already "lost" the moment I fell for him. We all lost. Everyone got hurt. My A felt so similar - the strong connection and it wasn’t about who said it first and maybe he did hurt as badly as I hurt at the end. Now that it’s over, it feels like maybe it was just one big ego fest. Like maybe he got some sort of pleasure out of my pain. I sure feel like I’m the biggest loser. I know affairs all tend to take the same course, but I believe the depth of them can vary. (spritiedaway2003 - it sounds like you have accepted what yours was and that is very impressive.) I’m in NC forever, so I’ll never know his side, but I guess it helps me to move on when I believe mine was just a shallow game between two egos. If it was love, then am I stuck missing him forever. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Well, our situation was strange since we had of course said those things to each other many times long before, when we were originally a couple. And then of course when I came back and confessed everything to him, that included telling him I loved him. He certainly didn't ask for that, he didn't know/believe I felt that way. That was the whole problem. While we were struggling through the sort-of-affair phase, we generally did not say those words. It felt wrong to exchange romantic ILYs while he was still trying to figure out what to do about his marriage. Obviously from a logical perspective this doesn't make sense, since if we were respecting his married state we should have done a better job of keeping our distance. But, of course, tying myself into knots and agonising over it played into my sense of drama and self-punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 He certainly didn’t ask for it, that would be odd. But at some point during our relationship, I said it voluntarily, because he just treated me in a way that just made me love him and cherish him. I couldn’t help it. I was initially very reluctant and cautious, due to the circumstances, but things went well for a very long time, and there was consistency, so I felt safe saying it. It was (and is) a two-way Street. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Yeah, like a couple others, I think it's ego and validation. The trouble with that is he's 1) focused on himself so much he's asking awkward questions and kind of desperate and 2) he may seek ego gratification (or at least be vulnerable to) from other women such as ones at work who might flatter him for their own purposes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jah526 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Share Posted October 1, 2019 He was desperate to here it. I think it had something to do with his mommy issues and that he wants to feel loved my everyone. He said it to me everyday and I never reciprocated. I viewed that as him “winning”. As much as anyone can win in a dead end affair that is. I think there’s something to this. His mom doted on him, as is typical in their culture. He lost her when he was in this country, and I think he felt a lot of guilt about not having been there. Maybe he’s still looking for that adoration that he had from her (in a very messed up way). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I think men who feel entitled to have affairs are selfish and narcissistic by nature. The fact that you refused to tell him you loved him probably really pissed him off... and as entitled and narcissistic individuals do, he badgered you to say it because it was the one thing he could not have - he wanted that control and he wanted the upper hand. I personally wouldn’t read anything more into it than that... Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 He said it first. But looking back, it wasn't because he really did love me, he only loved how I made him feel. Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 He told me the 2nd time he saw me in person. Should have been a warning sign. Your scenario sounds like the other extreme of a man with a starving ego. But who knows for certain? They come from Mars. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jah526 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 Oddly, I ended up in an elevator alone with him today. I haven’t been alone with him in over two years. It was civil. I looked over at him and he asked how I was. We had a little chat. I feel like I’m seeing him with different eyes now, after all I’ve learned here. I miss the guy I know he can be, but I also know it’s just a facade for who he really is - someone who doesn’t care about hurting people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Oddly, I ended up in an elevator alone with him today. I haven’t been alone with him in over two years. It was civil. I looked over at him and he asked how I was. We had a little chat. I feel like I’m seeing him with different eyes now, after all I’ve learned here. I miss the guy I know he can be, but I also know it’s just a facade for who he really is - someone who doesn’t care about hurting people. I’m glad you’ve reached a place where you’re able to see him for the person he really is. Link to post Share on other sites
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