Family Relations

[JuneGirl]

I've always kind of been the black sheep of the family.

 

 

My dad used to be emotionally abusive towards me, he passed away a couple of years ago.

 

 

I have siblings who have like extroverted personalities and kind of naturally took the personality of my dad.

 

 

Me and my other sibling are quieter, but the other sibling has had more successes than me, my dad liked him more than me.

 

 

Me, I seem to stumble and fall on my face all the time, and then I feel like even if I'm in a good place, the label of me being the "failure" is still largely part of the family dynamics.

 

 

Whenever something goes wrong, somehow its always my fault. Even when I have nothing to do with any of it.

 

 

 

I am tired and I don't want to be part of this family dynamics anymore. I just want to leave, live separately, figure out this life thing on my own. I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

 

My only best friend in this family is my mom..

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to leave, live separately, figure out this life thing on my own.

 

JG, hard to advise you without knowing your age. You have a lot more options at 25 than you do at 15.

 

Assuming you are an adult, certainly nothing wrong with striking out on your own. You'd get to find out a lot about life, good and bad, outside the context of your family dynamic. Maybe they're right about some things, in some ways perhaps you've been your own worst enemy. The proof would be in the proverbial pudding and, given your background, you may find the effort to be an empowering experience.

 

If you're waiting for permission, I say "go" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneGirl]

I don't want to believe that they are right. If I believe what they say about me, then they win, and I have given up.

 

 

No matter how much I have done to prove myself worthy, the label seems to always be there.

 

 

 

I'm applying for jobs all over the world right now. I will go once I can.

 

 

Just felt like venting, sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to believe that they are right. If I believe what they say about me, then they win, and I have given up.

 

Didn't mean you'd buy into their opinion of you. However, they may be correct that you're responsible for some of your own challenges and obstacles. One way we all self-sabotage is by allowing the beliefs of others to influence our own.

 

No one can put a label on you that you don't accept. Live your own life and to your own standards, they're the only ones that count...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

Join the Military June. The Air Force would be a good choice. That would be a 4 year obligation.

 

You will get good training and learn to stand on your own. The family will not recognize you after about a year. You can save money towards more schooling when you get out. You can see other countries in relative safety and experience the culture as a resident and not a tourist. The best thing is that you will learn how to handle problems and what direction in life is good for you. It will change you for the better.

 

The only thing to be careful about is to know what you want to do before you join and not allow them to place you where they want.

 

If you just want to clear your mind try to get a seasonal job at one of the National Parks like Yellowstone. Live in the dorms and commune with nature when you hike the trails.

 

Good luck

[Gaeta]

June: You're an adult, you should fly on you own. There is no reason for you to still be living with your parents.

 

Also maybe you are responsible for the negative around you. I've read your other thread and you got engaged to a man after knowing him only for 2 months and he turned out to be a very bad person. You lack judgement, you need to gain some life experience that will help you make better decision. Life experience is achieved when we live on our own and we fetch for ourselves.

 

 

.

[vla1120]

I don't want to believe that they are right. If I believe what they say about me, then they win, and I have given up.

 

 

No matter how much I have done to prove myself worthy, the label seems to always be there.

 

 

 

I'm applying for jobs all over the world right now. I will go once I can.

 

 

Just felt like venting, sorry.

 

Vent away! That's what LS is for! I want to share something about myself and my daughter. We often go toe-to-toe and, sometimes during our discussions, she'll say "That was (insert time here) ago! I've changed and you never give me credit for improving or changing my ways!"

 

I had the same problem when I was still at home (I was a troubled teen, problem child, and I joined the Navy when I graduated HS.) Once I was out on my own, no one could say squat about me because they were not privvy to how I lived my daily life! If they did talk crap about me, I called them on it immediately.

 

I'll admit, I probably do sometimes judge my daughter based on her past behavior, which I realize is not fair. I have told her there is only one way to break that cycle. She needs to get out there and start living her OWN life on her OWN terms and not depending on me nor anyone else for anything!

 

I believe you will find peace when you do the same.

[preraph]

Well, you should definitely get out on your own as soon as you're legally able to do so. Get some roommates, get two jobs if necessary. You can always ask your mom over. Get away from the negative messaging of the rest of your family. It really can be toxic. You will be very surprised once you get away from their influence how quickly your self esteem grows without them tearing you down all the time and just being around normal supportive people. And also just making your own living gives you better self-esteem. Once you build your self-esteem up, it will take a lot more to get to you, although siblings and family will try to tear you down till the day you die. But as an adult, once you're out, you control how much you are around them and whether you react to them or tell them to piss off. Do NOT let any of them get in the habit of visiting you either.

 

If you're hanging in because you're in school, do that, but if possible at least start a weekend or after school job and start saving money into a bank account with only your name on it and don't even tell everyone or they'll want money. Then you'll not only be home less but be ready to move out sooner. You might even be able to afford to move out while in school if you get a little job and enough roommates.

[Tagalz]

 

 

I am tired and I don't want to be part of this family dynamics anymore. I just want to leave, live separately, figure out this life thing on my own. I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

 

My only best friend in this family is my mom..

 

I have been going trough that myself. My father was aggresive and got mad alot even if it was small or big thing. When he got mad he always uses he’s slippers to attack me or say everything what he has in mind. I can see you have the same problem.

 

I sort of took care of it and I can tell you what I did. The best thing here would be to tell your father the honest truth.

 

I told my father that he has to speak calmly and not aggresive because it’s easy for him to go out of control. He listened to me couple of times before he went back to he’s old habits... he has kind of an anger issues or something. This might work it all depends.

 

As for siblings I have a little brother who is toxic and completely forgot that he is a little brother. We were on vacation in Japan and it got ruined just because we were arguing all the time.

 

Even if my father has spoke to him about it he won’t quit. I have deleted my brother contact info and all that.

 

The result I got? I have peace now and not even my family can be toxic back. I have freedom to do whatever I like. I live alone which can be boring at times but you still have the option to play games with online friends or to join a community. I have gone my own way and I don’t regret cutting off my family.

[JuneGirl]

Thanks for the support you all.

 

 

Gaeta: At least I was extremely smart enough and had more than enough judgement to end it. As for looking back on your threads, seems like you have a billion problems as well. You're well into your late 40s and probably 50s. I'm in my early 20s. So dial it back a bit.

 

 

 

People come onto the forum to vent and ask for support, no one's perfect. Else this forum wouldn't exist. just FYI. If you have nothing good to say other than offer harsh judgment, feel free to scroll past and ignore.

 

 

 

Tagalz: Wow I am so sorry you have been through that. I agree getting away from toxicity is so calming. I've finally done that and the peace is so amazing. Once you attain mental peace, other more meaningful things become so much more apparent to you.

[MsJayne]

Some families need to have a "black sheep" that they can all look down on because it makes them all feel better about their own failings and shortcomings. It's called scapegoating and often goes on in families where there may be a bit of, (or a lot of), narcissism going on with one of the parents. There's a lot of information available online about this and the family dynamic it creates, and, if it does apply to you, you will recognise it immediately because the patterns of behaviour are fairly specific and common to families with this problem. If that is in fact what's going on, one of the best things you will ever do for yourself in this situation is to remove yourself from the arena. Doesn't mean cutting ties altogether, but gives you the breathing space you need. You would also need some counselling or therapy, as, if you've been scapegoated, the damage to your self perception, confidence, etc, can be quite devastating.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sometimes you have to get your support outside family.

 

Do you have friends that you really respect, whose thinking is clear. At a key point in my early 20s, when I felt very alienated from my family, I got lucky and started to look for guidance from really good friends and a few mentors.

 

The trap that families that set up is that you feel guilty going against their suggestions, their ways. But their ways aren't working for you. So to grow, you have to move in directions contrary to what they approve of.

 

The friends and mentors I looked up to ... were so helpful. I literally almost turned these folks into parents ... I would run ideas and thoughts past them, and if they approved, I would feel good about going in a direction different than what my parents wanted.

 

If you can afford it, therapy is also great for what you're going through.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta: At least I was extremely smart enough and had more than enough judgement to end it. As for looking back on your threads, seems like you have a billion problems as well. You're well into your late 40s and probably 50s. I'm in my early 20s. So dial it back a bit.

People come onto the forum to vent and ask for support, no one's perfect. Else this forum wouldn't exist. just FYI. If you have nothing good to say other than offer harsh judgment, feel free to scroll past and ignore.

I am sorry you felt attacked by me. I am not the consoling type, I am the kind of person that goes quickly into solution mode. You have a problem and I offered you a solution which was to move out of your parents.