Contacting previous women who have rejected me and asking why they said no.

[Envy123]

I rejected a few women who I wasn’t attracted to.

 

If they were to ask me why I rejected them, I can only give a vague answer (There’s no chemistry). Truth be told, there’s nothing they could do to flip the switch from “unattractive to me” to “attractive to me”.

 

They are great people who are very interesting and I love being friends with them. But I can’t even think of kissing them, let alone the other stuff, as I don’t see them that way.

 

Love is a fickle beast. You’re either attracted to someone or you’re not. It’s not like business where you can get a straight answer. At best, you’re just going to get a vague answer.

[elaine567]

.... if dating were a video game, it would be like an 80 year old grandma playing on the hardest difficulty setting with all handicaps.

 

Ageism and sexism aside...

One needs to know one's strengths and play to one's strengths.

A novice on the easiest setting with no handicaps may find they are surprisingly good at playing the game, enjoy playing the game and have a nice easy and happy life competing on their own level...

Reaching for the stars is not often a very sensible strategy, the stars are a very, very long way away...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well let's see...

 

 

-I have my own place, a car, a decent job. I'm also going to college for IT and visual and graphic design.

 

- I'm fairly fit and like keeping myself in shape. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and like to do some running as well.

 

- I have a fairly active social life. I'm in several clubs at my local college, have a good social circle of friends, and keep myself fairly active and busy.

 

- I have many hobbies and interests. I enjoy playing guitar and the piano, doing photography, some videography, and some audio engineering.

 

- I'm not physically abusive

 

- I'm easy going.

 

Well, then you have a lot going for you. So, just settle down and stop being so obsessed with losing your virginity. You mentioned you're in a small group at your church. Most churches that have "small groups" are evangelical Christian churches that preach abstinence until marriage. If my assumption is correct, your obsession with losing your virginity (to the point of considering prostitutes) would be very out of line with that teaching. How do you reconcile that?

[SumGuy]

GG7

Does sound like you have a lot going for you on paper. A very hard time though talking with and connecting with women. You sir are very much in need of a wing person. Not to hit on women, rather just be good friends with your guy friends and especially if you have women friends. Sounds like you have a big social circle so some day one of your friends can set you up with one of theirs. Maybe focus your energy on your friend group especially if you have friends you can confide in the way you post here.

 

A friend can attest to how good and fun a person you are once people get to know you. Sounds like you’ll have no problem finding someone who finds you physically attractive and your virginity may well be a plus to a woman tired of all the players.

 

Friends hooking up friends is the way it used to mostly work last century.

[thefooloftheyear]

At the end of the day your height is not a hindrance and it's also not a problem. .

 

If he is as small as he claims, its realty disingenuous to say its not a hindrance or a problem....Women in western cultures now are huge...The average American woman is like 170# now, and if you think he would be better served trying to find smaller and petite women, well...those women are the most highly prized and often don't like small guys either....

 

I don't want to validate his struggles, and I don't think its a complete loss, but its also not helpful to tell someone that they don't have a significant handicap, when in fact they most certainly do...

 

Anyway,.,,

 

Don't contact women who have rejected you...Its pointless and you will gain nothing from it....Just accept that they didn't feel it was something they wanted to continue...The reason doesn't matter...nor should you change anything about yourself to be more compliant with what they tell you, because for one you should be yourself, and two, they are probably going to lie to you anyway...

 

TFY

Edited September 30, 2019 by thefooloftheyear

[mr_ybor]

If he is as small as he claims, its realty disingenuous to say its not a hindrance or a problem....Women in western cultures now are huge...The average American woman is like 170# now, and if you think he would be better served trying to find smaller and petite women, well...those women are the most highly prized and often don't like small guys either....

 

I don't want to validate his struggles, and I don't think its a complete loss, but its also not helpful to tell someone that they don't have a significant handicap, when in fact they most certainly do...

 

Yeah, although a bit anecdotal, I've noticed it coming up notably more often as a big deal with the Millennial generation (i.e. in his age range) than ones closer to Gen-X, but it's still there. Maybe Boomers care less (but obsess over other things, like baldness which people like my mom simply won't tolerate). You see "be over 6 foot" pretty often on profiles, for real.

 

I even had one personal experience with it on a date, where we had a really good date, and I got told after the fact when I followed up that I was too short at 5'-10" for her. It SAID 5'-10" on my profile. She messaged me, and was quite short herself. Heck, they say to round up (I'm like 5'-9 3/4"), and since then I just put 5'-9" these days as it's such a sticking point with some people. Everyone's entitled to their preferences and I'm not against that, but it is a more common thing:

 

https://miro.medium.com/max/480/0*upmzlEYUhMiHfy-k.png

*Source: 'Dataclysm'

 

As you can see, tall women get a similar treatment, but I do have to wonder if that's because men actually tend to be unattracted to tall women, or that's the bell curve, and average (and shorter) men don't think it's worth bothering with women taller than themselves, because the rejection is pretty much guaranteed. I know I hesitate even though I don't care in the least. I've only known one guy that's ever mentioned that he had an aversion to tall women (and he was super tall himself). His wife isn't super short or anything, just not 6'+.

Edited September 30, 2019 by mr_ybor

[mark clemson]

-I have my own place, a car, a decent job. I'm also going to college for IT and visual and graphic design.

 

- I'm fairly fit and like keeping myself in shape. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and like to do some running as well.

 

- I have a fairly active social life. I'm in several clubs at my local college, have a good social circle of friends, and keep myself fairly active and busy.

 

- I have many hobbies and interests. I enjoy playing guitar and the piano, doing photography, some videography, and some audio engineering.

 

- I'm not physically abusive

 

- I'm easy going.

 

 

I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic, you do have a lot going for you actually, esp. in today's world of overweight service economy men.

 

 

One thing you should realize is that the 20's is when things are most stacked against men. The women are at their best and getting chased by all kinds of horny guys. Esp. the top 20% attractive ones - most of those have more interest than they know what to do with.

 

This switches sometime around the early 30's for a variety of reasons. So, time is genuinely on your side.

 

The initial stages of "the game" are visual and social. You may be having issue there for the reasons you mention. For that reason I still think:

- You should do everything reasonably possible to make yourself as attractive as possible. Do you have clear skin, a nice haircut, and nice clothes (in college wearing a dress shirt around

might

set you apart)? You could ask a

platonic

female friend or two (not prior dates) for honest feedback on these points.

 

- Socially, consider trying to appear as relaxed/casual/confident as possible when speaking with women. Being smart is fine, but try not to come across as too left-brained or always steer the conversation to intellectual interests. Try to let your artistic side "flourish" a bit, including in how you converse. Remember that each woman is a unique individual and try to experience and appreciate her as such, whether or not you end up together. Playing some guitar or even writing a song for her might go over quite well, just don't be overbearing about it and make sure you do that in an appropriate social context.

 

- The goal of looking good is to make YOU the prize to some extent. This does not (FOR ANYONE) work with all women.

So

, you have to see which ones respond to you.

 

- Some women are quite sensitive to body language. How's yours? Do you walk with hunched shoulders or leaning forward as if overly focused? You want a straight back and shoulders, chest out a bit. The way you walk is a trigger for some women too. It should show confidence and energy but also control/finesse. As a left-brained exercise, consider experimenting with this to see if you can get any reactions (such as looks or smiles) from women as you go about your daily life. For some women this appears to create strong interest. I find the trick is to have my body language "announce" that I'

m

a total stud without taking it too far and looking ridiculous. It can be a fine line.

- I'm easy going.

 

I'm not 100% convinced given your posts here. As tricky as it may be if one is frustrated, try to remain genuinely, consistently easy going while dealing with women, particularly during the initial stages.

[ZA Dater]

Life is not a porn movie or a Rom com.

Ordinary people are not entitled to pick the best looking one off the shelf, just because...

The best looking one is reserved for the superlative, the extraordinary, ie the best looking people, people with charisma, people with money, people with potential, people with class... etc etc.

Anyone with "flaws" needs to stop hankering after "the best" and start being more realistic...

 

As for asking women why they rejected you... you already know the reasons why.

You want to call them out on it and tell them they were wrong, but life doesn't work like that... you don't get to dictate what other people find attractive.

Suffice to say you were not what they were looking for.

 

I don't really agree with this because value is very subjective and two people looking at the same person will value that person differently.

 

Why not try punch above, its called being ambitious, if nobody was ambitious the world would still be very basic indeed.

 

I maintain the attributes society dictates people find attractive are largely irrelevant. Height, irrelevant, bust size, irrelevant, hair colour irrelevant and I could go, none speak to any degree about the person. I have been out with overweight ladies and where your argument falls down is they don't even try spin themselves in a positive way, most are so down about their weight that it effects their entire persona. They lack confidence and more than that some are really desperate. Very few people have legitimate excuses for being obese.

 

Sure the best will apparently land up with the best but when you strip away the apparently desirable attributes are many of these people genuinely nice people? My experience is many are not particularly nice human beings, they simply cash in on the traits that society has mandated that we find attractive. Many great looking ladies are manipulative and use their looks for this purpose and likewise many good looking men are players.

 

OP you cant change the rules of this game sadly, you can simply try and adapt to it the best you can, how much you choose to sacrifice is up to you but personally I am where you are, albeit older and my conclusion is, if you can have what you find attractive and that aim is reasonable then its better to simply have nothing.

 

What you can do is see this whole thing as a reason to evolve and try different thing with no expectations, expectations don't work well in dating, at least in my opinion. No lady will ever point out why they don't like you because for them its simply a case of "next" which its largely pointless investing and why many guys just look to get laid because here they look to invest to only be rejected anyway so they as well resort to pick up techniques and invest nothing.

 

Lastly you need to believe in something, at 24 you have lots of time to adapt and eventually you will either feel like you did the best you could or you feel you can do more. Me, at 35 I have given up, conceded I have probably had as good experiences as I am ever likely to get and what's available doesn't interest me at. I sleep relatively peacefully in this knowledge. I am smarter than most, more articulate than most, better able to debate than many so when I see that loud mouth sitting with the pretty brunette, I sit there knowing I am probably better than him. You need some arrogance, it'll make you feel better about dating and crucially make rejection a LOT easier to stomach.

 

A good example of this was a dinner I went to once, I am the sort of guy who doesn't speak for the sake of speaking so there was one loud mouth pontificating about some political fact which was in fact completely wrong, I let him continue down this road till the point he was metaphorically beating his chest that everyone thought he was so smart. I then got involved in the debate and subtly but obviously pointed out his error, rendered his whole monologue irrelevant and mad him look very ill informed. My point is, he left with the hot blond, I left alone but I left looking clever. Decide what you want to project in life.

[normal person]

So as a short skinny guy, my only options are big fat chicks i'm not even attracted to. Great...

 

Well, the situation you're in illuminates the fact that you don't fit other peoples' criteria either.

 

If you aren't attracted to overweight women, that's within your right. But then you also need to accept the fact that someone else might not be attracted to a 5'3" guy with Asperger's. If you dish it out, you need to be able to take it.

 

Peoples' standards, realistically speaking, will generally correlate with how desirable they are themselves. It's the matching hypothesis.

[normal person]

I know, but it’s different.

 

I hate being compared to fat people. No comparison. I’m short because I can’t control it, someone is fat because they’re lazy and eat like ****. It’s in their control to change their weight but they choose not to. I’m not lazy at all, I watch what I eat and workout. But no matter what I do, I’ll always be short. Trust me, if there was a way to get taller, I would do it in a heartbeat but I can’t.

 

It's not different, you just don't understand the point. You need to look at things from someone else's perspective and then reconsider your own. Whether or not your limitations are your fault doesn't affect how attracted to you people are going to be. It doesn't change anything. Even if they know, they don't care. Kind of like if you thought an overweight girl was unappealing, then found out she's only overweight because of a glandular problem, you still wouldn't be attracted to her because you're not attracted to overweight women -- the reason she's overweight is irrelevant. It's not something you, or anyone, can rationalize.

 

The reality is that no one's going to suddenly give you credit, or likely even the benefit of the doubt for things beyond your control because they're under no obligation to, and they have nothing to gain by doing it.

 

Is it unfair? Yes. Does that change anything? No, unfortunately. Attraction is not equitable. Life is unfair to most people one way or another. We all have to play the hand we're dealt to the best of our ability.

Edited September 30, 2019 by normal person

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

if you thought an overweight girl was unappealing, then found out she's only overweight because of a glandular problem, you still wouldn't be attracted to her because you're not attracted to overweight women -- the reason she's overweight is irrelevant.

 

Exactly. Read this over and over, GG.

[basil67]

Why not try punch above, its called being ambitious, if nobody was ambitious the world would still be very basic indeed.

 

If one accepts that the risk of being figuratively knocked out cold on the first round is much higher and has the emotional resilience to keep trying, fight after fight, there's nothing wrong with punching above.

 

But if they get hurt and frustrated then punching above only does damage.

[nospam99]

Everyone's entitled to their preferences and I'm not against that, but it is a more common thing:

 

https://miro.medium.com/max/480/0*upmzlEYUhMiHfy-k.png

*Source: 'Dataclysm'

 

As you can see, tall women get a similar treatment, but I do have to wonder if that's because men actually tend to be unattracted to tall women, or that's the bell curve, and average (and shorter) men don't think it's worth bothering with women taller than themselves, because the rejection is pretty much guaranteed. I know I hesitate even though I don't care in the least.

 

First, the big drop in the curve for women is between 5'11'' and 6'. As for me (5'8") I rarely even read the profiles of women my height or taller. When I do, I see them all looking for guys 6'+. A good 40-60% of the women under 5'7'' also write that they're looking for 5'10'' or taller. Most frustrating to me is the 5'3'' women looking for 5'10'' and up. What is is - as you say, rejection pretty much guaranteed.

[Ellener]

I can honestly say it would not bother me much that someone is short if they have good manners and are accepting of themself and others, and it would totally put me off no matter what they looked like if they seem disrespectful or judgmental or negative.

 

We've all got something. We're all a mix of good and bad qualities, the things we can change, the things we learn to live with.

 

A woman who isn't hung up on appearances, her own or other people's, might be just what you need in your life.

Edited September 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

A woman who isn't hung up on appearances, her own or other people's, might be just what you need in your life.

 

Excellent point!

[GuitarGuy7]

It's not different, you just don't understand the point. It doesn't change anything. Even if they know, they don't care. Kind of like if you thought an overweight girl was unappealing, then found out she's only overweight because of a glandular problem, you still wouldn't be attracted to her because you're not attracted to overweight women -- the reason she's overweight is irrelevant. It's not something you, or anyone, can rationalize.

 

Is it unfair? Yes. Does that change anything? No, unfortunately. Attraction is not equitable. Life is unfair to most people one way or another. We all have to play the hand we're dealt to the best of our ability.

But then again, I did say I wanted the cold hard truth right? The funny thing is that I always knew the truth why women didn't like me. I tried running from it, hiding from it, fighting it, but the truth always catches up to you eventually.

 

 

Maybe I just have to accept the fact that i'll never find anybody. I tried my best, I really did. But I wasn't equipped mentally to handle the obstacles that were given to me.

 

 

Maybe love in the traditional sense wasn't for me. You know as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. Which is why iv'e been thinking of several options I could do to try and fix my dating problems. Iv'e seriously considered all of them.

 

 

- Getting leg lengthening surgery which would give me an extra 2-3 inches of height to increase my dating prospects

 

- Getting plastic surgery on my face so women would find me facially more attractive

 

- Moving to the Phillipines where women are usually short and allegedly they are very attracted to white men.

 

- Going to a prostitute with the hope that it would give me sexual experience and maybe take away some of the need for sex.

 

 

Because at the end of the day, my desire for women will never go away, so that's not an option. I'm not some aromantic asexual being, so being a kissless dateless virgin until i'm 40 is not an option for me!

Edited September 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GuitarGuy7]

 

A woman who isn't hung up on appearances, her own or other people's, might be just what you need in your life.

 

 

 

Hopefully someday I can find her.

[Ellener]

This on the BBC website today ( with perfect synchronicity )

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-49567527

 

This guy says 'When I look back at some of my prouder achievements, I have to admit these might not have happened if I was just an average guy and not an awesome shrimp.'

 

Societal norms are changing all around us, I can remember when people were reluctant to admit they were for example gay or atheist or socialist, yet today despite the pockets of prejudice half my friends are openly gay or transgender, almost all are atheist and almost none identify with a mainstream political party or ideology! And I live in Texas

 

Aspire to be yourself, the best you you can be.

[mark clemson]

Since you have a decent job and this is so important to you, one thing you could seriously consider is a sugar daddy site such as SeekingArrangement or similar. Just be quite cautious to make sure you're not taken advantage of and that you don't do anything that's technically illegal. If you're seriously considering prostitution, I think this would be a better option for all involved.

[preraph]

Just know that any hired call girl is only pretending to find you attractive and like you. Their whole job is to convince you of that and take your money. I worry about you being vulnerable to that and getting hurt, honestly.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But then again, I did say I wanted the cold hard truth right? The funny thing is that I always knew the truth why women didn't like me. I tried running from it, hiding from it, fighting it, but the truth always catches up to you eventually.

 

 

Maybe I just have to accept the fact that i'll never find anybody. I tried my best, I really did. But I wasn't equipped mentally to handle the obstacles that were given to me.

 

 

Maybe love in the traditional sense wasn't for me. You know as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. Which is why iv'e been thinking of several options I could do to try and fix my dating problems. Iv'e seriously considered all of them.

 

 

- Getting leg lengthening surgery which would give me an extra 2-3 inches of height to increase my dating prospects

 

- Getting plastic surgery on my face so women would find me facially more attractive

 

- Moving to the Phillipines where women are usually short and allegedly they are very attracted to white men.

 

- Going to a prostitute with the hope that it would give me sexual experience and maybe take away some of the need for sex.

 

 

Because at the end of the day, my desire for women will never go away, so that's not an option. I'm not some aromantic asexual being, so being a kissless dateless virgin until i'm 40 is not an option for me!

 

Here's another option. Don't give up. You are ONLY 24! Stop it with this fatalistic and dramatic "I tried my best, I really did" nonsense. YOU ARE ONLY 24. If you are 44 and still have had NO luck because of your height, maybe then you can gripe about it. Honestly, I think your attitude is keeping you from a relationship more than your height.

 

Stop online dating. Women are much less apt to focus on your height if they meet you in person. I'm thinking of a few men I know that I didn't even "know" they were short until it was pointed out to me (i.e. my friend mentioning something about her short husband....oh yeah, I guess he is short, never really noticed that!).

[GuitarGuy7]

Since you have a decent job and this is so important to you, one thing you could seriously consider is a sugar daddy site such as SeekingArrangement or similar. Just be quite cautious to make sure you're not taken advantage of and that you don't do anything that's technically illegal. If you're seriously considering prostitution, I think this would be a better option for all involved.

 

 

Haha my dad once told me that if I ever get rich, I might want to get into being a sugar daddy. He also said, don't tell mom that we talked about this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Haha my dad once told me that if I ever get rich, I might want to get into being a sugar daddy. He also said, don't tell mom that we talked about this.

 

What would your dad say if you told him you were ready to give up at age 24?

[GuitarGuy7]

What would your dad say if you told him you were ready to give up at age 24?

 

 

 

He'd either tell me to be quiet because he doesn't want to hear about it, or he'd probably tell me to stop focusing on women so much and just focus on making a lot of money.

[Twizzlestick]

Have you seen the film High fidelity? He does this, it doesn’t go as planned . Juts makes him realise he didn’t like those people himself haha