If you made a conscious choice to be a parent, why did you?

[Els]

25 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

 I really do not think I could do a child with mental illness and want to minimize the chance of it as much as possible... 18-20 years old is the age of woman I want to have kids with, hopefully no older than that. I have always leaned more towards surrogate.

 

You better hurry, then, because the father's age has an impact on the risk of mental illness as well. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5412832/

 

12 hours ago, Pastypop said:

I only had kids because my husband wanted them. 
 

so glad that I only have 5 - 10 more years of this.  Looking forward to having a few bucks in my pocket, nice clean stuff and no having people always eating my special food all the time. Planning on going to work overseas or move far away from them because I don’t want to be stuck babysitting or raising their kids. 

 

I'm sorry to hear this. FWIW, I have read similar experiences from other people who were pushed into parenthood against their will as well. You're not alone and I hope you get to a better place in life eventually.

[RecentChange]

25 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I have not had kids yet, but when I do, I either want to have a surrogate mother to the woman I choose to raise them with or just have kids with a much younger person... I have saw the struggles my entire life of mental illness, between my older brother who I have helped raise, to my job now, I really do not think I could do a child with mental illness and want to minimize the chance of it as much as possible... 18-20 years old is the age of woman I want to have kids with, hopefully no older than that. I have always leaned more towards surrogate.

 

Surrogates carry the fertilized egg of another woman. I am curious as to what your rational is here. 

 

It is true that women - and men who are younger in their reproductive years have less instances of genetic issues - for example Downs syndrome.

 

But that is dictated by the age of the egg and sperm - a surrogate carrying the egg of an older woman wouldn't have a decreased chance of age related genetic issues.

 

If you have a generic component that increases chance of mental illness or genetic disease, a surrogate wouldn't negate that.

 

A young woman with a young male donor would. 

[major_merrick]

Sometimes I don't understand why people face this choice about being parents - that you either get to have nice things OR have kids, not both.  I think there's some ways around having kids run wild and trash your stuff, and having all your income go down the drain.  I'm not very far into the motherhood game yet, but my husband's older kids don't make messes or trash the house.  They are kind of loud at times, but the really rambunctious stuff happens outside.  Aside from mopping up the mud they bring in on the floor, our house stays very clean. 

So if you want kids but don't want some of the downsides that other parents experience, figure out a way to plan around some of these things.  As an example - flooring.  One practical fact in my family is that floors must be durable and moppable.  Might be a bit cold on the feet in winter, but better than having dirty carpets.  There's ways to compromise and get most of what you want in life. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I have not had kids yet, but when I do, I either want to have a surrogate mother to the woman I choose to raise them with or just have kids with a much younger person... I have saw the struggles my entire life of mental illness, between my older brother who I have helped raise, to my job now, I really do not think I could do a child with mental illness and want to minimize the chance of it as much as possible... 18-20 years old is the age of woman I want to have kids with, hopefully no older than that. I have always leaned more towards surrogate.

If you would go to these lengths to avoid a child who isn't 'perfect', you are one of those people who should never ever have children.  Ever.  As the parent of an autistic child, I'm here to tell you that children do not come with guarantees.  Not only that, but there are some in my circle who's kids are challenging despite having no diagnosis whatsoever.No matter how young you and the mother of your child is, you cannot avoid risk.  If you can't deal with the hand you are dealt, then don't do it.   

Edited December 14, 2019 by basil67

[Piddy]

My wife and I chose not to have children.  Some see that as a selfish decision, but I could argue the opposite.  It could be argued that having kids is selfish.  Does the world need more people?   Is wanting your name carried forward in future generations selfish? 

 

Do you just want to see what your offspring look like?  I'm being somewhat facetious, but some people do think that if you don't have kids that your strange.

 

We've had people ask us why we never had children.  The best answer I've heard regarding that question was given by Marlo Thomas and she answered with a question.  "Is there a polite way of saying it's none of your business?" 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Piddy

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Piddy said:

My wife and I chose not to have children.  Some see that as a selfish decision, but I could argue the opposite.  It could be argued that having kids is selfish.  Does the world need more people?   

I would argue that people’s choices to have or not have children are a personal decision and that nobody has the right to judge them.   Also, I would never ask why someone didn’t have kids - it’s none of my business.   

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by basil67
Formatting

[OpenBook]

My daughter was unplanned. I got married and we *'d like rabbits, so of course I was going to get pregnant. That was my family planning experience. I had no idea what I was heading into. My entire parenting experience has been feeling my way through it. I still don't know if I raised her the right way. All I know is I am extremely proud of the way she turned out. Don't know if I can take the credit for any of it. Did she turn out so magnificent because of me, or in spite of me? No idea.

 

I remember the exact moment my "mother instinct" kicked in - when I saw the crown of her head as she was coming out. It's a very primitive thing, not something you can do anything about. It's just THERE.

 

Now I'm a grandmother and loving it. With each of them, I fell in love all over again when they arrived. It really is like falling in love, except without the sex part of course. I look into my grandchildren's faces and I see myself. They have taught me how to play again. And they really really love me! I can't get over that. Why they are so overjoyed to come to my house. Yes I spoil them, but that's my job. I can get cranky and grumpy, and they love me right through it.

 

I completely agree with those who say having children is selfish. It has enriched my life in ways that I don't think anything else could have - not money, not a fabulous house, not a great career, not a fine romance. None of those things really worked out the way I wanted, but I'm so glad I had my daughter. My life would be empty without her and what she has brought to my life. I love, and I am loved. By my own DNA. Definitely my greatest accomplishment.

 

Sheesh you're right, it is really hard to put into words what are the benefits to having children. That's the closest I can come to explaining it for me.

[mark clemson]

That's true, along with the headaches of parenting many if not most people will get a major oxytocin high as well as the "pride" of seeing them slowly grow up and start to accomplish things. Also seeing a part of you in them - like they are part you, part someone else, which is very strange but also very special. So a lot of subtle benefits that can (not always do) counteract the downsides.

[The Outlaw]

I don't have any children and I may never at this point, but should I ever meet the right woman it will be a conscious choice I believe for both of us. And truth be told, I've always wanted them and I'd be a good dad. 

[submart]

My husband and I don't have any children and we live a very happy and fulfilled life. In our free time we garden, read, do home projects, watch T.V., attend local festivals, take walks, and travel. And we get to sleep in, eat what and when we want, and do whatever we want when we want (outside of work of course). We never had the desire to have children. I'm 36 and I've never had a ticking biological clock.

 

I'm obviously really glad people are having children because we need people to keep stimulating the economy and such, but I'm surprised so many people have kids. In today's world we have effective birth control, nearly equal employment opportunities for women, and a lot more expenses. I couldn't imagine for a minute having to take care of children after a full day of work. I look forward to exercising, watching T.V., and sleeping. 

 

As other posters mentioned having children can be very selfish. People do it to keep their last name going, to live the American dream, to make their parents happy, to pass on their DNA, and to have someone love them etc. I feel some people don't even take the time to think about if they really want children. It's important to not just have them because society says you should. There are many others ways to spend your time, energy, and money. 

[Mr. Lucky]

8 hours ago, submart said:

I feel some people don't even take the time to think about if they really want children. It's important to not just have them because society says you should. There are many others ways to spend your time, energy, and money. 

 

Having children was never a conscious decision, I just came into adulthood knowing I would have them.  It also wasn't an option I compared to hobbies or interests - "Hmmm. kids or more TV time?".  For some, this choice is made at a deeper level...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Artdeco]

On 12/20/2019 at 9:45 PM, submart said:

I'm 36 and I've never had a ticking biological clock.

I'm surprised so many people have kids. In today's world we have effective birth control, nearly equal employment opportunities for women, and a lot more expenses. I couldn't imagine for a minute having to take care of children after a full day of work. I look forward to exercising, watching T.V., and sleeping. 

 

Couldn’t agree more with all of the above.

I’m older - but still no bio clock and no regrets! As a matter of fact, I cannot imagine all the money that I’d have to spend to raise a kid....in my neighborhood, honestly, there are big families with 3+ kids each. It’s a more suburban, affluent area, and it seems having more offspring - in my neighborhood - equals more money ..... It’s almost like a status symbol. And now they are sending them off to colleges and I don’t know how they pay for it - if you have four kids? 4 college tuitions? It’s just ridiculous.....

Edited December 29, 2019 by Artdeco

[stillafool]

On 10/1/2019 at 8:57 AM, Mr. Lucky said:

 

 

 

Quote

 People also complain and struggle with their boss, coworkers, neighbors, family members, etc.

Yeah we may struggle with these people but we don't have to struggle and pay for them too.  Plus they aren't with us 24 hours a day either.

I

 

[jeff0011]

Money is boring to me.  Let’s say you save the money from raising children.  What did you do? Buy an expensive purse? New  Mercedes? Live in a bigger box? That all gets old immediately. 
 

For me, nothing replaces the daily joy I have in seeing my son. And if you ask 99 percent of the parents you see, whom you think are “unhappy”, none of them would trade their decision. 
 

And nobody on their death bed is saying “I wish I didn’t have kids so that I could climb the corporate ladder and work more”

[jeff0011]

I have noticed the opposite.  
 

I own a home improvement business. 
 

Women whom are usually married, have kids, or grandkids around seem far more laid back, content, easy going and happy. But then again we aren’t in low income neighborhoods with single moms whacking their kids.  
 

women who are married and never had kids seem very neurotic.  As if their entire life revolves around being super super picky about a blade of grass out of place.  A deck board that is a different color.  A spot on the driveway etc. 

 

I think you could also say the same about anything that is difficult.  Why do people own a business? Why do people work out? Why do people work full time? Why do people have a pet?

of all of the above, the biggest reward is raising a child  

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by jeff0011

[pepperbird]

To me, it makes sense for someone who doesn't feel that being a parent is for them to not have kids. there's nothing wrong  with that.

Every time one has a child, they roll the genetic dice. There's a hugely complex interaction between genetics, the environment and even personal issues that can impact the "final product" human being. Some people can handle that,  but other's aren't cut out for it. In my opinion, if they have that self awareness, it makes sense to act on it.

[sothereiwas]

On 9/29/2019 at 4:01 PM, Artdeco said:

Why do people have children? When do they decide to have children, and why? I’ve never had that motherly instinct, and I never wanted kids, so I really can’t understand what the benefits are. It’s expensive, it takes all your freedom away, and motherhood/parenthood - to me - seems just so frustrating!

Yeah, it is. I have the money for it, and I wouldn't trade the kid for anything but if people can't afford them or don't want them they definitely should avoid making them . 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

22 hours ago, pepperbird said:

To me, it makes sense for someone who doesn't feel that being a parent is for them to not have kids. there's nothing wrong  with that.

Absolutely.  My 19 year old daughter and I were talking about this (AGAIN) last night.  She does not want to be a parent, never has. She has never held a baby, even her baby brother.  And that's fine.  She probably wouldn't make a good mother because she doesn't want to be one lol.  

[thefooloftheyear]

For me, I'm just a glutton for punishment...😂

TFY