Thinking of divorce, Husband pissed about smoking pot?

[DragonzRoost]

I have thought about this on and off for the past year, with my feelings becoming stronger each time. Sometimes I would sway back to feeling content, but the urges end up coming back. Just recently my Husband got off the phone with his Mother who speaks another language. (I cannot understand) Once he got off the phone he randomly bitched at me saying "You remember the party? Did you smoke?" (Weed) I hounded him to know what his Mother said that urged him to argue with me about it, but he continues to say that she said nothing.

 

Mind you, I had asked him if I could that evening of the party (Over a week ago) and he said "yeah that is fine." and nod his head. I looked at him confused and said "Yeah....I did...whats the problem?" He didn't even know I smoked and later mentioned it at the hotel saying "Wow you are very talkative when high." We even joked about it. He is very against pot because he had a bad experience in the past with (having a bad high) and comes from a Country where it is very illegal. I have always turned down the offer each time, but during the party I was offered a puff. I told the house owner I wanted to ask my Husband first and he gave the okay. I get very relaxed, talkative and it greatly reduces my anxiety levels. I become much more open and friendly.

 

Now all of a sudden, he starts jumping down my throat about it and responded "Don't do it again, I will let this time pass." (Wtf?) Before when in California (Where it is legal) He said I could only smoke pot if he smoked it too. I said "When would you ever smoke it?" He said "Exactly...never.." There are many other instances he can be controlling and each time he does this, I just want to print the divorce papers and get it over with. I'm tired of feeling locked down in this marriage. How do I push myself to take that step? How do I remain firm in telling him that I feel its best we just separate? Because these mind games and random fights are starting to grow on me. At times I also feel I'm best when being alone.

 

This is not the first time I've thought about divorce and I have encountered similar controlling issues with him n the past such as, controlling what I wear or whats fashionably acceptable, tone of makeup foundation, how to wear my hair, ect.

Edited September 30, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you feel like it's mostly a cultural thing? Is he from a country where "men rule?"

[DragonzRoost]

He comes from China and most times, their wives are in control with a lot of things. They mostly have stronger connections with the relatives, but he is by far the most controlling person I've ever met. I'm not sure where he got it from and I've asked him before when in California. Because before this, he didn't want his Mom going on a hill ride that her newly wed Husband suggested during their honeymoon. Later that night I asked him why he is so controlling and not just letting his Mother make those decisions as an adult herself and he said "I have to make those decisions for her because sometimes she doesn't know how unsafe it can be. I need her to be safe." When I asked him where he learned it from he said.. "I don't know, I just learned it when young..its just the way I am." I believe he learned this by being an only child or from his Father. I feel it is unhealthy in our marriage to control every decision I make, just because he feels its bad. I can't ever just be myself.. He also knew I use to smoke a lot of pot in the past, but I quit entirely because it made him so offensive. The one night I get his permission to and he jumps my ****. Now I keep thinking

(What if this ends up being my future? Always being controlled and made to feel like a child who asks their parent for permission.)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

(What if this ends up being my future? Always being controlled and made to feel like a child who asks their parent for permission.)

 

Thanks for the clarification. Yes, he may very well just be like this - thinks he knows the best for everyone in all situations. That's very hard to live with .

[Veronica73]

Was he like this when you were dating?

[DragonzRoost]

At some points yes he was like this. He would say every time "I am only suggesting or giving my opinion to change you for the better or to better you." When I would get upset, he would do the same and would think I was being unreasonable. Eventually I put my foot down and said I wasn't going to put up with his controlling behavior, to which he would say "I am not controlling at all." It stopped for a few months and then it just exploded after marriage. I went shopping for clothes and purchased an outfit, but he ended up not liking it, so I took everything I could back, because otherwise I could never wear it. It got to the point where I hated clothes shopping and then I told him that was enough.

 

He hasn't said anything ever since, when I refused to change my outfit and would wear whatever I felt like. Then I did the same with my hair or whenever he would say something. Since getting married, I have never really heard him say (You are beautiful or pretty), to which he would just say, you blended the hair well. He would put up a fight at first, then just give in because he would know I wouldn't change.

 

Now he controls in very subtle ways such as, telling me he doesn't want me smoking weed without or around him. That I cannot smoke weed no matter what the circumstance. Then if I had my foundation a lighter tone, he would say it doesn't look good and I should go darker. (Which looks odd) Its small but, very important things to me that he tends to control. Even if that control lasts for just a minute. I just miss be independent with my own decisions in life. I have told him that I just don't think we are working out, but he makes excuses and reasons as to why we should and says "That is called responsibility." (By remaining in marriage or getting married.)

[Veronica73]

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

Don’t get me wrong...I don’t think I could tolerate living like that. But maybe marriage counseling could help? Help him see he is being unreasonable (or at least the way he is being isn’t going to work with your personality/values). It sounds like he isn’t respecting you as an equal, and maybe a decent marriage counselor (probably best if it was a male) would help him see the light. I don’t know. But I think he is the one who is being unreasonable. Or maybe you are just incompatible. I’m sure there are women who are fine with being bossed around like that and are fine always deferring to their husbands. But that doesn’t mean that that’s what you should do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now he controls in very subtle ways such as, telling me he doesn't want me smoking weed without or around him. That I cannot smoke weed no matter what the circumstance. Then if I had my foundation a lighter tone, he would say it doesn't look good and I should go darker. (Which looks odd) Its small but, very important things to me that he tends to control.

 

DragonzRoost, I understand he mentions things, hard to believe he's not entitled to his own opinion.

 

But how does that "control" you? Not sure why you'd feel foundation color, fashion choices or legal pot usage is up to anyone but you. He can offer input but any reasonably self-confident person would see the ultimate decision as being up to them.

 

He only has the power over you that you give him...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 30, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

I many times tried to influence my wife's decisions and many times she just overruled me.

 

Sorry, but I don't view it as controlling her behavior. My only hard rule was that if she made the mess she had to clean it up.

 

I remember years ago complaining about her running yellow lights just on the verge of going red. All I got were noncommittal promises about doing better until she got T-boned.

 

I never criticized her at all, I just said, "get it fixed."

 

After she had to take of from work, deal with the insurance company and rent the car for the time ours was in repair she stopped running yellow lights.

 

So I suggest when he is going through a tirade about not smoking you light up right in front of him and blow smoke in his face.

 

That should solve your problem as to whether to get a divorce or not.

[eleanorrigby]

I many times tried to influence my wife's decisions and many times she just overruled me.

 

Same here.

My husband doesn't smoke cannabis and he wasn't crazy about me smoking it.

However, he realized how much it calmed my anxiety and smoothed over my rough edges like nothing else has or does and he decided he was OK with it.

He now grows it for me.

 

Had he really not been able to stand it, I would have taken to smoking it only when he wasn't around, which would have sucked because I hate hiding.

I'm glad he came around because this would have been one of those issues that weren't worth divorcing over, but would have been a constant thorn in both our sides if we stayed polarized over it.

 

My husband has also been controlling about things in the past, he'd get bent out of shape if I showed too much skin when out.

I've found I don't care enough about fashion to make a big deal about it, so I'll throw on a sweater or whatever if he's having issues.

But with cannabis, I had to stand my ground.

 

You'll have to decide what's worth it to you to stay firm on, and then see what he does.

[vla1120]

(What if this ends up being my future? Always being controlled and made to feel like a child who asks their parent for permission.)

 

My controlling husband was from Greece. I thought it might be cultural, but on the three occasions I have visited Greece, it was clear that his mother and sister were equal partners, if not outright rulers of their roosts.

 

With my husband, it started out as "suggestions" out of concern for my welfare (always park the car in reverse for easy access to the engine and battery, for example.) Once we got married, those suggestions turned to "new household rules." Me being the independent, main breadwinner that I am, I told him I appreciated his concern, but that I am an adult in charge of my own life and behavior and, while I might take some of his "advice", for the most part, I'll do what I want (as I have always done) and live with the consequences.

 

After 5 years of constant battle that ended with him making a pretty serious threat of bodily harm against me, I moved out for the last time.

 

I didn't give up, though, without going through five years of intensive marriage counseling with two different therapists (because he did not like the first one) plus individual therapy.

[DragonzRoost]

I think at this point we are both are just tolerating each other. I get the feeling that we both know this marriage isn't working out for the long term and that our paths lead differently. I am debating on filing for divorce after moving back to my home town and officially separating. We are keeping our distance with one another and allowing each other to have our own space in the meantime. We also agreed to both setup counseling and try to resolve the issues in our marriage prior to separation. Thanks again for the help and advice.

Edited September 30, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[preraph]

May I ask, is this the only subject he's controlling on? If not, then I agree get away from him. If so, then I'm guessing he has fears about it, and it is true that if you let a substance mess your life up, that's some degree of addiction or bad decisions at least. But if he's controlling in general, that's not good and I wouldn't stay with him, personally.

[RecentChange]

I have read a few of your threads dragon - and I agree, it sounds like this marriage really doesn't have much of a foundation to stand on.

 

You two have different goals, different visions for the future. You do not have children nor own a home together.

 

I get it that marriage is supposed to be sacred, but sometimes people make mistakes - and it ends up better just cutting your losses before the stakes get even higher.

 

As for smoking marijuana, I enjoy it recreationally. When I met my husband he didn't smoke and had low opinions on it (he associated pot with low achievers - meanwhile many of the most productive people I knew smoked on occasion, so I didn't have the same bias).

 

So, I didn't smoke for many years. I respected him, he was never mean or nasty, or even suggest that I "couldn't" smoke - I just knew he didn't like it, and he is more important than pot is, so I didn't.

 

That is of course until a trip to the Netherlands, and he tried some and enjoyed it. Once he let his gaurd down he was surprised to learn how many people he did respect used it on occasion (like his boss). So now it's something we both enjoy in moderation.

 

As for your husband, I know he has big dreams of living in CA - I would think how openly pot is accepted here would be a culture shock.

[Mr. Lucky]

We also agreed to both setup counseling and try to resolve the issues in our marriage prior to separation. Thanks again for the help and advice.

 

Then I'd think Step 1 would be stop asking for permission for you to be you.

 

Doesn't sound like meeting his demands going to matter much anyway...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Big Aus]

So, you smoke weed, and it makes you paranoid and want a divorce?

 

I'd have thought the solution was rather obvious. . .

 

STOP SMOKING WEED

 

But I guess we have to assume you will be like the majority of potheads and refuse to acknowledge the harm it is doing.

In which case just divorce your husband now, because things will only get worse.

 

Your paranoia will just keep getting worse, till your convinced that not only is your husband "controlling" you, but is actively "plotting against you".

Meanwhile he, watching you get worse, will try even harder to get you off the weed, and things will just go from bad to worse.

Seen it too many times.

 

You don't mention kids, so hopefully you don't have any. In which case you just need to end this either way. Give up the weed or give up your marriage.

[elaine567]

He tested you with the pot, he gave you enough rope to hang yourself and sure enough you did...

He wanted you to resist the temptation, knowing how strongly he felt against it, but you couldn't resist, so he is disappointed in you and angry.

 

He doesn't want to be married to "a pothead", I guess.

[DragonzRoost]

Some people in the thread get why this isn't working out and its not due to not smoking pot, like some believe. Even he knows this and has admitted that there are things he does, as well as myself that makes it hard to remain in this marriage. We are just not working out and for several serious reasons that are not easy to set aside or explain.

 

I didn't smoke pot without asking him, he said I could at a party we were attending and that it was fine, so I did.

If he said no, I would had not smoked, but he did not decline when they offered several times, he said "Yeah that is fine, go ahead." with a smile.

I am not a pot head for smoking just once out over 5 years that I quit. (Assumptions that are false)

We settled this a few days ago, but other issues have came up as well.

Its been a marry go round with the same issues that we have had before and that I have expressed in very old threads.

We both agreed to attend counseling to fix the deep down issues that have yet to be resolved.

We both know and agree that this isn't working out and that something needs to be done to save it.

 

(SOLVED)

Edited October 1, 2019 by DragonzRoost

[preraph]

Good! Where there's willingness, there's hope. Be sure and be candid in counseling.

[spiderowl]

DragonzRoost, I understand he mentions things, hard to believe he's not entitled to his own opinion.

 

But how does that "control" you? Not sure why you'd feel foundation color, fashion choices or legal pot usage is up to anyone but you. He can offer input but any reasonably self-confident person would see the ultimate decision as being up to them.

 

He only has the power over you that you give him...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The kind of controlling comment she gets can be very wearing over time and particularly if she is feeling a bit low. Some people think they are entitled to tell their partner what to do and, in the process, denigrate them in some way, but no-one should have to put up with that. While it is true to say some would shrug this kind of thing off and not let it affect their self-esteem, for others it could feel too controlling.

 

Controlling behaviour isn't just about major things, it can be little things that gradually wear the person down and damage their self esteem.

[Mr. Lucky]

Controlling behaviour isn't just about major things, it can be little things that gradually wear the person down and damage their self esteem.

 

Which just circles back to what I and others have said throughout the thread.

 

Only the OP can put herself in a healthier position, one where she makes her own choices, married or not. She’s aware of her discomfort with the current situation, so next step up to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SumGuy]

He tested you with the pot, he gave you enough rope to hang yourself and sure enough you did...

....

 

If that is the case I'd consider that unacceptable. She is not subservient to him, but equal, that he felt he had the authority to "test her" is offensive and immature. It's even worse when he says it is OK in the moment then later changes his mind, that is not honest communication, that's just BS at best. Even worse if it was a conversation with his mother that got him to bring it up.

 

It's also her body, she can put in it what she wants. He can be upset about the consequences of when she is high (which actually seems pretty good she is talkative, and she fulfills life responsibilities fine) as one could get upset if someone is a mean drunk, drives drunk etc.,

 

So it comes down to he doesn't like it because he didn't enjoy it.

 

He may well hate weed, and have issue with it and see nothing good in it, but a good number of Americans (and certainly Canadians) feel otherwise hence legalization.

 

If we were talking about her having a glass or two or three of wine and getting tipsy, instead of weed, I don't think any one would come to his defense.

[Lauradlou]

I am so glad you have agreed to try counseling before making any major decisions. I think that talking about these issues and finding new ways to work with each other may be incredibly helpful. It may be cultural, but I know in any marriage communication can be a challenging hurdle to overcome. I will be praying that you find healthy ways of communicating and that your marriage will continue on a more healthy path.

[Buffer]

I am glad you both have started talking and are going to have some IC/MC.

 

 

Unfortunatly his childhood may have given or made him so controling. However; seeking D over smoking some pot, that to him is bad. Harsh, don't you think?

 

 

Glad you can talk it through.

 

 

Good luck

[S2B]

I hope in counseling you are blunt with him - making it crystal clear that the controlling behavior is a deal breaker for you.

 

And that includes doing as you wish - things that make you happy - without the need to “ask his permission”!

 

You’re an adult. Unless you are breaking your marital vows he should trust you to make your own decisions.

 

If he doesn’t like it then end it. Living with a controlling a hole is pure misery.

 

He can treat a new wife as his possession/subservient.

 

It sucks being squished and life is WAY too short to be miserable.