Stood up on long distance meeting to another country. What now?

[health]

How should I approach potentially being Ghosted in a LD Creative Relationship?

 

I met this girl online over 2 years ago. We do film and artwork together.

We met over 6 times and we did get intimate.

 

It was never an exclusive relationship, I knew that from the start.

 

The pros are

- She inspires me

- we have a lot of real moments together

- the creative work we do is amazing and actually sells

 

The cons are

- In a sense it's open - which I've never done before - but it's not even that it's more creative/intimate but never 100% a real solidified relationship

- she drinks and smokes weed daily

- she has anger outbursts

 

So I've known and met her for 2 years.

 

What happened now - we recently just met for four days - we had some fights and ended on a bad note.

 

She lost her id, I gave the hotel her email info.

 

I messaged her - the next day at the airport she texted back and said "thank you"

 

I reply and said "Are we okay?"

She opens the message - no response.

 

Two days later I writer her telling her what she did and the fights scared me, that I'm sorry for anything I did to hurt her and I want to be on good terms with her again - also if I can use a photo we have for an upcoming product.

 

She doesn't open the message.

 

Two days later I message her on another social media app for her to check my message.

 

No reply.

 

It's been 2 weeks now with no reply. And I'm scared she ghosted me.

 

Within these two weeks - she did "like" a new photo of my cat and did view a snapchat story of mine. Like a tease I don't know what that is.

 

Also in the past one year and half ago she blocked me off all social media.

I was going to send her a sorry letter - then before I could she unblocked me and said "I forgive you, we can move past this" and I was so thrilled!

I was so happy we were cool again.

 

She blocked me here and there and unblocked me. Where I thought it would have ended at the second visit we ended up meeting 6 times in total.

 

Also business wise I need this photo but if she doesn't approve I won't use it. And she totally is not communicating. Hopefully she will or I'll have to create something new.

 

I know I know "Never mix business with pleasure" but this was like an almost muse, connected, artistic relationship.

 

It literally inspired me and lifted me these last few years because she just inspires me so much.

 

I am prepared to just let it all go - because I think her not even talking is hurtful. Like if there is no communication there really is nothing you can do.

 

All my family and friends tell me to leave her. She even doesn't care as much as I do and she's insulted me in horrible ways even publically.

 

I put up with a lot of her behaviour for the sake of her beauty and this "Inspiration"

 

But really when I think of the travel costs and the lose/win I get from this and how she changes things around last minute I am ready to leave it.

 

However deep down I want to see her again. I want us to be on good terms, I want to continue this art/business relationship with her.

 

Because when I'm with her and we have these moments it's the most amazing thing and brings my life another level of meaning and purpose.

[The Outlaw]

Anyone that ghosts you, or goes out of their way to humiliate you like she did, isn't worth SO much of a second thought. Trust me, I've said this before on here many times and I'll say it once more, she did you a favor. Forget the relationship and how she made you feel. The silence can and will speak for itself. She thinks very little of you at this point. And it's best to find someone else that actually appreciates you, because she doesn't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

However deep down I want to see her again. I want us to be on good terms, I want to continue this art/business relationship with her.

 

Because when I'm with her and we have these moments it's the most amazing thing and brings my life another level of meaning and purpose.

 

Be careful to not equate emotional angst with emotional connection. They are not the same thing, and it's easy to lose sight of that if your relationship has been emotionally volatile.

[health]

Anyone that ghosts you, or goes out of their way to humiliate you like she did, isn't worth SO much of a second thought. Trust me, I've said this before on here many times and I'll say it once more, she did you a favor. Forget the relationship and how she made you feel. The silence can and will speak for itself. She thinks very little of you at this point. And it's best to find someone else that actually appreciates you, because she doesn't.

 

Thank you so much for that. I'm in my 30s and she's mid twenties.

 

Everyone knows of these texting games. Making people wait for replies etc. All horrible communication tactics that would never work in actual work environments.

 

A favorite quote I read is "Games belong on the playground not adult relationships"

 

Also not sending a message is sending a message. That my messages don't matter.

 

She said I put her down - I never meant to intentionally and always appologized.

 

I am going to let this go. I don't want to be a martyr. I want mutual respect.

 

I do wish her the best.

 

I do feel hurt and scared over this though. Sometimes angry but rarely. I got myself into this and I wish her nothing but love. Also love for myself and my goals.

 

Thanks so much again!

[health]

Be careful to not equate emotional angst with emotional connection. They are not the same thing, and it's easy to lose sight of that if your relationship has been emotionally volatile.

 

Thank you so much for that. And it has been volatile. It's just when she does come back and respond I light up.

 

The thing is it's all scraps of love. Tiny pieces instead of her all.

 

I will try to move on. I used to smoke ciggarettes socially and only on vacation. Haven't since last Nov. This trip I wanted to show that I completely quit. But she smokes and I gave in. That one over me. Now I quit again. I need to love and take care of myself more.

[The Outlaw]

Thank you so much for that. I'm in my 30s and she's mid twenties.

 

Everyone knows of these texting games. Making people wait for replies etc. All horrible communication tactics that would never work in actual work environments.

 

A favorite quote I read is "Games belong on the playground not adult relationships"

 

Also not sending a message is sending a message. That my messages don't matter.

 

She said I put her down - I never meant to intentionally and always appologized.

 

I am going to let this go. I don't want to be a martyr. I want mutual respect.

 

I do wish her the best.

 

I do feel hurt and scared over this though. Sometimes angry but rarely. I got myself into this and I wish her nothing but love. Also love for myself and my goals.

 

Thanks so much again!

 

 

Trust me, I can relate. I briefly dated a girl that I had the misfortune of falling for five years ago this past July, and believe me, she was everything I'd thought I'd ever want. But after a series of great dates, boom, she ghosted me, and at the time, it put me through hell over someone that really wasn't worth it, and I'm thankful that it didn't work out. Actions speak louder than words and when you ghost, that says enough. Keep your head up, man. I swear it will get better with time.

[Rayce]

I'm so sorry you are having to experience this. I can relate to this post...

 

My story is different but similar in the creative sense... so I totally get that part of your post.

 

I'm 6 months NC with xMM. He was my sweetheart 40 years ago... lost love reunited... so it's complicated... anyway... he brought out a level of creativity that really surprised me. He created music and asked if I could created some videos for him… I said sure I can give it a try. In the span of a couple of years I created a several for him. I was having so much fun! I loved it! It really tapped into an area of me that had been lost for 40 years! lol... Then something happened on social media that hurt me deeply. I could no longer handle the situation so walked away... it still hurts...

 

I miss creating but I'm not feeling very creative because of what happened. It hurts every day... I hope it gets better. I still miss him. I wish things wouldn't of happened the way it did. No understanding here... just pain. Now I'm faking it till I make it sort... one day at time trying to put it behind me. I hope someday I will feel that creativity again... but right now. It's lost...

 

I deactivated all my social media... I'm figuring if he ever wants to say "sorry" he has my phone number and my address.

 

Thinking about those in my past that made apologies to me for something... those who did that meant the most to me.... were either done in person. phone or in a handwritten letter. Not an email.... not a text message...

 

I recommend writing a letter.

[health]

Trust me, I can relate. I briefly dated a girl that I had the misfortune of falling for five years ago this past July, and believe me, she was everything I'd thought I'd ever want. But after a series of great dates, boom, she ghosted me, and at the time, it put me through hell over someone that really wasn't worth it, and I'm thankful that it didn't work out. Actions speak louder than words and when you ghost, that says enough. Keep your head up, man. I swear it will get better with time.

 

Thanks. Ya, I read that it says about the person doing the ghosting rather than who they ghost.

 

"Ghosting" I look at as the trash taking out itself.

And not disrespect and call those who ghost trash. It's just that I have no time for it. It is a hurtful act as well.

 

Yeah, I've dealt with a 5 year break up before in my neighbourhood. That was the tough break up I learned alot from.

 

This one I feel better about because I knew what it was. It's just about editing these films now.

 

One is completed. If it does well financially great.

I'll edit the other 2. It'll show me how to separate work and an intimate thing.

 

If the first film doesnt do well I may not edit the others. If Looking at footage does affect my ly emotions in a bad way I wont pursue it. However now it's all okay.

 

I spent thousands on the production and travel so I do want to complete them.

 

I do feel I'll be okay on this.

[health]

I'm so sorry you are having to experience this. I can relate to this post...

 

My story is different but similar in the creative sense... so I totally get that part of your post.

 

I'm 6 months NC with xMM. He was my sweetheart 40 years ago... lost love reunited... so it's complicated... anyway... he brought out a level of creativity that really surprised me. He created music and asked if I could created some videos for him… I said sure I can give it a try. In the span of a couple of years I created a several for him. I was having so much fun! I loved it! It really tapped into an area of me that had been lost for 40 years! lol... Then something happened on social media that hurt me deeply. I could no longer handle the situation so walked away... it still hurts...

 

I miss creating but I'm not feeling very creative because of what happened. It hurts every day... I hope it gets better. I still miss him. I wish things wouldn't of happened the way it did. No understanding here... just pain. Now I'm faking it till I make it sort... one day at time trying to put it behind me. I hope someday I will feel that creativity again... but right now. It's lost...

 

I deactivated all my social media... I'm figuring if he ever wants to say "sorry" he has my phone number and my address.

 

Thinking about those in my past that made apologies to me for something... those who did that meant the most to me.... were either done in person. phone or in a handwritten letter. Not an email.... not a text message...

 

I recommend writing a letter.

 

Thanks for replying regarding the art part. It's tricky.

 

Personally I wouldn't deal with married people ever.

 

Similarly I knew what I was getting into because this girl is a model and is about open relationships.

 

Which after this experience I wouldn't get involved with again. Unless all parties are cool with it.

 

Still the emotional part isn't cool. Once before meeting she said she had a fiance. I never k ew that so I was going to cancel but she begged me to visit her and said all parties are aware.

 

But comparing that to my previous one on one, committed, monogamus, long term relationship. The monogamus one felt more safe and less volatile.

 

My bad if it seemed like was judging you for being with a married man. I don't mean to.

 

I hope it all works out for you as well ❤

[Rayce]

I agree... married men are off limits to me. He was the exception. He was my sweetheart when I was 17 and he was 19. We were separated because my parents moved me away one day. I never even got to say goodbye... so when almost 40 years later he reached out to me and pursued me... well... young love never dies... I'm not sure I could ever say no to him... to be honest. Good thing I live a couple states away. lol...

[health]

I agree... married men are off limits to me. He was the exception. He was my sweetheart when I was 17 and he was 19. We were separated because my parents moved me away one day. I never even got to say goodbye... so when almost 40 years later he reached out to me and pursued me... well... young love never dies... I'm not sure I could ever say no to him... to be honest. Good thing I live a couple states away. lol...

 

That's too bad your parents whisked you away like that. Love is wild.

[ExpatInItaly]

This all just seems like a gigantic waste of your time, OP.

 

You are not her boyfriend, and have only met a few times in the last couple years. She sounds extraordinarily immature, with all this blocking and unblocking and stonewalling. I think you are idealizing her and telling yourself she "inspires" you to give yourself an excuse to keep sticking around for more, but it's well past time to let go.

 

You are crazy about her, but the feeling obviously isn't mutual. If she's as lovely as you say, and this isn't a relationship, she is also surely dating and sleeping with other guys too. She keeps it open for a reason, and that is because you two are never going to be more than casual. It's barely a relationship.

 

Why bother?

 

EDIT: I took a look at your posting history as I thought your story sounded very familiar. I take it this is the same woman you were posting about in November last year. Dude, it's time to wake up, if I may be blunt. You are hanging on to something that was never really there.

Edited May 29, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[health]

This all just seems like a gigantic waste of your time, OP.

 

You are not her boyfriend, and have only met a few times in the last couple years. She sounds extraordinarily immature, with all this blocking and unblocking and stonewalling. I think you are idealizing her and telling yourself she "inspires" you to give yourself an excuse to keep sticking around for more, but it's well past time to let go.

 

You are crazy about her, but the feeling obviously isn't mutual. If she's as lovely as you say, and this isn't a relationship, she is also surely dating and sleeping with other guys too. She keeps it open for a reason, and that is because you two are never going to be more than casual. It's barely a relationship.

 

Why bother?

 

EDIT: I took a look at your posting history as I thought your story sounded very familiar. I take it this is the same woman you were posting about in November last year. Dude, it's time to wake up, if I may be blunt. You are hanging on to something that was never really there.

 

Oh man that was harsh! But you are right. I knew what I was getting into. She's admitedly in open relationships. Thats not what I want at all but just to be with her felt like a win.

 

We had a talk about guys paying for things and she said "Thats not true all the time I bought one of my boyfriends $150 sneakers"

 

And I was like wtf?

 

But I dealt with it to be intimate with her. And honestly it wasn't all that.

 

Im not looking to be a martyr. I've had a hard time finding a girl over the last 10 years so when this worked out I took it.

 

There are times she shows love but honestly its few and far between.

[chillii]

Sorry to say but it all sounds like a bloody disaster between you two and that's with hardly even seeing each other.

And this open thing bs , her moods, the way she treats you.

Man , even when she starts talking again , really, there is nothing you can do with this and she'll just go on being her .

You got a thing for her but really, that's about all there is in it for you , the rest will just keep cycling and send you to the nuthouse.

[ExpatInItaly]

Im not looking to be a martyr. I've had a hard time finding a girl over the last 10 years so when this worked out I took it.

 

When exactly did it work out?

 

Based on what you have written, it's never gotten off the ground as anything more than a very casual and infrequent FWB-type arrangement. I don't quite understand how that means it "worked out."

[Orokotikki]

Cut all ties. You can do better bud, and she may be talented but there's other talent out there without the drama.

 

And in future - don't **** where you eat.

 

I'm sorry and it must be painful but she sounds like a bucket of drama and exploitation - you don't need that bud.

[health]

Sorry to say but it all sounds like a bloody disaster between you two and that's with hardly even seeing each other.

And this open thing bs , her moods, the way she treats you.

Man , even when she starts talking again , really, there is nothing you can do with this and she'll just go on being her .

You got a thing for her but really, that's about all there is in it for you , the rest will just keep cycling and send you to the nuthouse.

 

Thank you. She once made fun of me in front of another guy in public - in a service area. When she went to the bathroom the guy said - don't allow her to treat you like that. I told him I traveled to meet for a film etc. It was right when I touched down and he said well you'd better getting something from this. You should insult her back. I'm for letting people fester in their own negativity if the disrespect. On our way back - the guy was there again - and I did in fact insult her back and it was good. But then when I left I heard her say to the guy "I apologize for all of this" almost behind my back laughing at me with the guy now. And I couldn't help but think - was this guy being real with me and helping me out? Or is he laughing with her at me now? I felt bullied and I'm in my late 30s.

 

All in all - she doesn't even look that great. She looks great in my mind my family and so many others don't think she's much of anything - and she drinks daily, smokes weed daily and smokes cigarettes like crazy.

 

- There were times she was horrible to me 60% of the time on meeting

- she once said openly I don't give a **** about you

- with the art a lot of times she's absent minded and doesn't care about my part

 

These is just a few things. And I put my self in this for the sake of being around someone beautiful. To be side by side in film and photos and artwork with this person. Because for the past 10 years after my 5 year relationship break up - I haven't been able to find a girl to be with. Maybe 3 that were just flings.

[health]

When exactly did it work out?

 

Based on what you have written, it's never gotten off the ground as anything more than a very casual and infrequent FWB-type arrangement. I don't quite understand how that means it "worked out."

 

Thanks so much ExpatInItaly. I saw your replies to me in the other thread that expred. My bad for not responding, I didn't see them and thank you for all your support.

 

When I thought it was good was

- just the energy of seeing her

- she kissed me first

- when she acts nice

- her intellectual thoughts/words

- us walking in nature

- being around her when she dressed nice/cool (A lot of times after I didn't like how she dressed at all and she wouldn't change it for my film and direction it was all her - which sucked)

 

You're right in that it's never worked out. It's never gotten off the ground.

It's not worth it and at this point I don't care if she texts back.

 

What sucks is because I've been so disconnected from women sometimes I feel like seeing escorts. And I don't want to - I know the risks - but then I hear of people dealing with them and everything working out. You get to be with a beautiful woman - if there are no signs of stds on her and you're fully protected with condoms etc - you can be 100% safe from stds etc etc

 

But then I look at my life and think what have I done to be here? I've never cheated on a girl in my life, I was always loyal, graduated College, got promoted recently.

 

But this drive for love and companionship is so much sometimes.

 

Deep down - even with her I don't want to be a cuck or some girls bitch or something like that. Even with her I'd want her true love. True affection/ I did feel I got that from her on maybe just our 3rd trip but from there - not much at all.

 

I'd feel worse than my exes who rebounded and more if I dealt with escorts. But at the same token I feel like I've wasted my body not being sexually active much from around 26- 36.

 

In the end from her or any girl - I want loyalty, love, passion, commitment, and special moments. Self respect, love. All of that.

[health]

Cut all ties. You can do better bud, and she may be talented but there's other talent out there without the drama.

 

And in future - don't **** where you eat.

 

I'm sorry and it must be painful but she sounds like a bucket of drama and exploitation - you don't need that bud.

 

Thank you. I appreciate that. It's just that there's something about her that draws me in. She's introverted and super shy - but then does all these crazy things and acts out. Then she seems all quiet and shy. She also suffers from anxiety and threatens her own life a lot. When I'm with her part of what works she laughs, smiles and seems to truly joyful without drinking at times - and that's what I feel I draw out of her.

 

But really the travel costs, the hurt feelings, the fear, the frustration of not being replied to for days on end - now weeks, the blatant disrespect. Once I paid for an art piece from her and she didn't even deliver it - she basically stole my money! The only way I got some art from her was months later when we got cool again and met - she gave me a piece of her art. But if we didn't - she was ready to up and go steal my $100 I gave her and that's it!

 

I'm grateful I at least didn't have kids or marry this girl.

 

I decided to leave this all alone. While scary sometime I feel like I won't be with an as beautiful girl - but that's what I thought before and ended up with great girls - beauty and intellect.

 

Also I've seen way better girls in my own city - it's just when I approach them it usually doesn't go anywhere.

 

The goal is either be cool with her where she shows 100% love and devotion.

Or find a girl in my city that's 100% better than her and shows me real love and devotion

[The Outlaw]

Again, feelings you may have aside, she did you a favor. She isn't just unhealthy for you, she'd be unhealthy for anybody. I'd wager that you're torn on the subject, but the best option on the table is for you as it would be anyone-leave her, and forget that she ever existed. She isn't good for you. Any connection or longing you have for her is one sided. Trust me on that, like I said, I've been there. I was better for it and you will be too. Find someone else that actually appreciates you and won't disrespect or humiliate you.

[Rayce]

What sucks is because I've been so disconnected from women sometimes I feel like seeing escorts. And I don't want to - I know the risks - but then I hear of people dealing with them and everything working out. You get to be with a beautiful woman - if there are no signs of stds on her and you're fully protected with condoms etc - you can be 100% safe from stds etc etc

 

I think you are misinformed about stds… for example their is no approved test for males to see if you have the human papillomavirus. Condoms will not protect you from this. Some strains of this virus will kill women. Some strains will give you warts. Some strains don't do anything. Some people will always carry this virus.

[ExpatInItaly]

The goal is either be cool with her where she shows 100% love and devotion.Or find a girl in my city that's 100% better than her and shows me real love and devotion

 

Go with option number 2.

 

Option number 1 is never going to happen with this girl and thus isn't really even an option for you. She doesn't love you and she never has, man.

 

However, I think you should spend time on your own before dating again. Your self-esteem appears to be very low, and you have poor boundaries - so much so, that you are likely to get involved with another trainwreck of a woman if you don't do some serious work on you.

Edited May 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[Orokotikki]

If you keep any ties with her you will have a VERY hard time finding a quality woman, because of her crushing yourself esteem and taking up head or heart space.

 

Quality women will pick up on this and avoid you big time.

 

It really would be worth your money to seek some counseling or self help about how not to accept this behavior disrespect.

[health]

Again, feelings you may have aside, she did you a favor. She isn't just unhealthy for you, she'd be unhealthy for anybody. I'd wager that you're torn on the subject, but the best option on the table is for you as it would be anyone-leave her, and forget that she ever existed. She isn't good for you. Any connection or longing you have for her is one sided. Trust me on that, like I said, I've been there. I was better for it and you will be too. Find someone else that actually appreciates you and won't disrespect or humiliate you.

 

My bad for the lag on my reply. Thank you. I'm not going to message her and haven't for over 2 weeks now. It hurts waking up in the morning because that's when I'd look at my phone and see a notification that she'd reply. But whatever. It was never mutual. Even art wise she never gave her all. In my mind I fired her regarding that as well. I wish her the best and am committed to moving on.

[health]

I think you are misinformed about stds… for example their is no approved test for males to see if you have the human papillomavirus. Condoms will not protect you from this. Some strains of this virus will kill women. Some strains will give you warts. Some strains don't do anything. Some people will always carry this virus.

 

I didn't know that condoms can't protect you from the human papillomavirus. I don't know much about that one. I'll look into it.

 

The only STD I'm concerned about is herpes - because I heard it can be spread through skin to skin contact even with a condom and people have it for life. Still I went to my doctor and he said if there's no signs on the person and you wear a condom you're pretty much safe.

 

I grew up in the 80s and all this STD news scared the crap out of me and people I know from sex in general, which sucks because it's natural.

 

I know a guy who had sex unprotected with a long term girl with aids. She died from it - he never got it.

 

I knew others who've never used condoms a large part of the time and haven't gotten any stds.

 

It's a roll of the dice.