Stood up on long distance meeting to another country. What now?

[health]

Go with option number 2.

 

Option number 1 is never going to happen with this girl and thus isn't really even an option for you. She doesn't love you and she never has, man.

 

However, I think you should spend time on your own before dating again. Your self-esteem appears to be very low, and you have poor boundaries - so much so, that you are likely to get involved with another trainwreck of a woman if you don't do some serious work on you.

 

I know. The thing is I've literally spent time on my own for the last 10 years.

In that time I haven't really dated or gotten close to any girls. I asked over 32 girls out face to face. It all ranged from getting their numbers, talking/texting then them flaking out on me, or them having boyfriends etc.

I went to shows, bars, even yoga conventions lol nothing seems to work. Even "not trying" doesn't work. But I am committed to getting into a healthy relationship.

 

You are right that I have a high probability of getting involved in another girl that doesn't love me as much. In the end that's what happened with my ex and I. I always questioned whether she actually liked me near the end.

 

When I think of it - asking the 32 out in ten years equates to really asking and talking to 3 new girls a year, so I should try more often. At least 10 a year.

 

I'm grateful for my health and that I'm still alive, have a great job I love and my side art passion. That's what matters a lot. Thanks again.

[health]

If you keep any ties with her you will have a VERY hard time finding a quality woman, because of her crushing yourself esteem and taking up head or heart space.

 

Quality women will pick up on this and avoid you big time.

 

It really would be worth your money to seek some counseling or self help about how not to accept this behavior disrespect.

 

You're right on this.

 

I used to have bad anxiety issues. I do see a councillor on this 4 times a year. I check in when I need to. Recently I cut off my older brother because he's extremely abusive - even threatening my life and he's in his late 30s.

 

I come from a family with separated parents and it's been my goal to have an intact relationship. I did good with the 5 year one. It's just after that things have been challenging. I'm committed to getting through this. Thanks again.

[Rayce]

I grew up in the 80s and all this STD news scared the crap out of me and people I know from sex in general, which sucks because it's natural.

 

I grew up during the AIDS scare and my ex husband slept with all the women in my small town... I was so scared I was going to catch something because of him that I was getting tested every year for about 10 years after I divorced him.

 

That really messed with my head so much that "causal sex" was not an option. I just care about my health too much.

Edited June 1, 2019 by Rayce

[health]

I grew up during the AIDS scare and my ex husband slept with all the women in my small town... I was so scared I was going to catch something because of him that I was getting tested every year for about 10 years after I divorced him.

 

That really messed with my head so much that "causal sex" was not an option. I just care about my health too much.

 

I too care about my health alot. I never had casual sex and always used condoms 95% of the time.

 

That's what's scary. I have been on a great path that whole time. I'm 37. But now due to a lack of intomate connection I'm tempted to deal with escorts. What I truly want is a healthy intimate relationship. I figure if I just watch porn I'd be better off. That way I'm safe and save hundreads of dollars. Escorts would be all fake and a risk anyway.

 

I'm going to stay busy with work, reading and exercise.

 

I'm committed to staying on the right path.

 

Thank you everyone here for hearing me out.

[health]

There's this girl that inspires me. We're not official but we get intimate. And meet only twice a year. We do creative work.

 

I planned put my vacation dates from work, prepared, prepared the work.

 

It was 4 nights 5 days. Shes always angry, Im always appologizing to settle things. When things are good shes intelligent and good. And shes beautiful.

 

The first night we meet. She drinks at a bar. I quit drinking 5 years ago. We go to a restarant. Eat. I go to the bathrrom. Shes drunk yapping to the bar tender. Within 1.5 hours shes smashed. Staggering. Falling. I catch her 3 times.

 

I ask if she wants to come to hotel. No way she says. I asked for her convienience. Fine go home. I bring her to a boat. She falls on her face! Wtf?

The guys on the ferry boat ask me - what did you give her? Nothing! I said. She kept drinking and had a bottle on her.

 

To be fair shes going through alot. Her Mom died recently etc.

 

On the boat shes crying. Im comforting her.

 

Finally on the other side she says she has no one to call to pick her up home. Finally ppl who know her call family.

 

She accuses me on pushing her making her fall! After I saved her from falling 3 times.

 

She goes home. Says well meet early the next day.

 

Next day she says shes going to the hospital.

 

The next 4 days no response, meeting. Nothing. She opens my message the last two days.

 

Im alone in the hotel for the whole trip. Walking outside reminded of her.

 

Now Im on my way home. $1300 spent, 11 hours travel each way.

 

What the Ft#%!

 

I know were primarily creative partners. But she inspires me so much when shes sweet and shes so beautiful and knows good music.

 

But really. Her character is completely off!

 

What do I do now?

 

Only way Id be cool is if she comes to my city.

 

I felt so angry, hurt and scared. I forgive her. But I just feel bewildered.

 

Anyone else have any similar stories of being stood up long distance?

 

Whats great about thus is it but my emotions through a hard test. Man!

[chillii]

Sorry man rough time but ,,sorry again she;s just not that into you yet knows you are her so she can get away with acting and treating you like that.

l wouldn't be going back for more no way or having her come over either after that one myself.

lt is a shame you meet someone that has all these things to you but they just aren't quite feeling it so just drag you around by the tongue if you let her .

Edited September 30, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

You've got a bit of history with this woman. Including one post in May of this year where you had a different disastrous trip to see her.

 

Forgiving her is great in terms of not hanging onto anger, but why on earth are you giving her the opportunity to do this to you repeatedly. The woman sounds like a raging alcoholic.

 

Disentangle yourself from her both professionally and personally. Or else you'll soon be writing a fourth post about how badly she's behaved with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's not into you, OP.

 

Not the way you want her to be, anyway. Don't bother trying to keep this going, either on a personal or professional level.

 

You have to wake up, man. Your past threads combined with this one clearly indicate that this is never going to become a relationship.

[Maddie82]

There's this girl that inspires me. We're not official but we get intimate. And meet only twice a year.

 

To be fair shes going through alot. Her Mom died recently etc.

 

But really. Her character is completely off!

 

She girl recently lost her mother. She is grieving. Anyone's character is going to be off after a tragedy like that. It sounds like she had taken it really hard too. She was definitely not in the right frame of mind and that should've been expected. I think you should go home and leave it because in all honesty, it doesn't sound like she is really interested in you anymore.

Edited September 30, 2019 by Maddie82

[d0nnivain]

She may have been into you at one time. You mentioned having been intimate once before. At this point she's lost in the bottom of a bottle & will not be available to date anyone until she sobers up. If you really don't understand what I'm telling you, go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people like you who love alcoholics. You can't do anything right now. If she comes to your city & is sober maybe you can put the pieces back together but not now.

[health]

Sorry man rough time but ,,sorry again she;s just not that into you yet knows you are her so she can get away with acting and treating you like that.

l wouldn't be going back for more no way or having her come over either after that one myself.

lt is a shame you meet someone that has all these things to you but they just aren't quite feeling it so just drag you around by the tongue if you let her .

 

I hate that popular quote She/he's just not into you" because it's thrown around so much. However there's truth in it. If it's not a win/win it won't work.

 

I haven't messaged her back and won't. It should be easy to disengage since we only saw heach other 2 - 3 times a year but I have to stop communicating with her as well.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[health]

You've got a bit of history with this woman. Including one post in May of this year where you had a different disastrous trip to see her.

 

Forgiving her is great in terms of not hanging onto anger, but why on earth are you giving her the opportunity to do this to you repeatedly. The woman sounds like a raging alcoholic.

 

Disentangle yourself from her both professionally and personally. Or else you'll soon be writing a fourth post about how badly she's behaved with you.

 

Thank you, and I appreciate you seeing the history and patterns.

 

I quit cigarettes in August. I wanted to show her I quit to be an example. She smokes. She didnt see me smoke this time. But on my alone days I bought packs. I decided to quit today and suddenly Im.fiending for smokes. Everything about this was pulling me down.

[health]

She's not into you, OP.

 

Not the way you want her to be, anyway. Don't bother trying to keep this going, either on a personal or professional level.

 

You have to wake up, man. Your past threads combined with this one clearly indicate that this is never going to become a relationship.

 

Expat with the harsh truth again. Thank you. It sucks cause when it was good is was amazing and passionate. As of now I won't contact her.

 

If for some reason she 1. Shows she longs for me 2. Would meet in my country 3. Appologize 4. Not drink around me

 

Then cool, Im all for it. If the above criteria arn't met. Forget it. As it stands now.

 

Thanks again Expat.

[health]

She girl recently lost her mother. She is grieving. Anyone's character is going to be off after a tragedy like that. It sounds like she had taken it really hard too. She was definitely not in the right frame of mind and that should've been expected. I think you should go home and leave it because in all honesty, it doesn't sound like she is really interested in you anymore.

 

Yes. Her Mom was sweet but an alcoholic and died from a medication mix up. There were opiods involved so who knows.

 

I read alot of people are in such pain they lash out at others in the worst ways.

 

This girl is so beautiful to me. But she even said on this trip she hates and wants to kill herself. When were good thats why I like seeing her. Filming and doing creative is better than her killing herself.

 

But again I cant drown with her. I hope she gets okay.

 

I hate ppl not communicating and stonewalling. Ghosting bull****. That doest work in work situations ever. Her doing it here killed me.

 

Im committed to getting over this.

[health]

She may have been into you at one time. You mentioned having been intimate once before. At this point she's lost in the bottom of a bottle & will not be available to date anyone until she sobers up. If you really don't understand what I'm telling you, go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people like you who love alcoholics. You can't do anything right now. If she comes to your city & is sober maybe you can put the pieces back together but not now.

 

Thank you so much for a fresh prespective. I appreciate that. I quit alcohol 5 years ago.

 

Yes if she 1. Sobers up and 2. Longs and wants to meet with me. Then it can work. As of now, no.

 

I plan on disentangling and focusing on my 9-5 job, my health, reading and solo creative work.

[preraph]

Her mom dying probably did throw her off some, but that's not the main issue. She does sound alcoholic, but the bigger problem for you is she is not interested in you romantically. She might have been once, OR she might have been too drunk to be responsible for her own actions, but the fact is when someone is into you and locked onto you and really interested in you, you won't have to make excuses for them and it will be obvious to you and it won't be a struggle.

 

You're putting a lot into this -- and she can't even show up, so I'm afraid it really is time to leave her behind so you can move on. Find a new inspiration. Good luck.

[health]

@preraph...

 

Exactly! Especially about the part of her not showing up.

 

Im okaynow, but I hope I don't break down or obsess over this. I dated a girl for over 5 years and broke up in in 2008. 11 years ago. Since then It's been next to impossible for me to find a girl. I've only been with like 6 in the last 11 years.

 

I have asked out over 30 that I got rejected by. And I mean I planned, befriended and tried to ask out.

 

I hope I can be in a healthy relationship soon.

 

Im grateful Ive never been married before or have kids.

 

Online dating never works for me either.

 

Im just going to focus on my work and health.

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[The Outlaw]

She isn't worth it, man. No matter how intelligent or beautiful she maybe, being stood up says an awful lot. Let her go and as preraph put it, find a new inspiration. Don't give her anymore thought.

[health]

@The Outlaw....

 

Exactly, and being stood up in another country 11 hours away for that matter.

 

She was drunk stealing the ketchup and hot sauce from the restarant. The server caught her and made her put it back.

 

I've learned a woman can be so beautiful and speak intelligently. But if she lacks character it's all off. Men or women.

 

People have lost thousnads of dollars, wasted time and endured emotional pain for the sake of beauty.

 

I do believe I can still meet a girl who I think is beautiful who loves me as well.

 

It's all in the eye of the beholder. Alot of people told me this woman looks average more than anything. It's not worth it.

 

I'm committed to learning and growing from this. Thanks for the support everyone.

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you have asked out a lot of women and been turned down. Based on your attachment to this woman, I have to wonder if your picker is broken and you're going after women who are not good matches for you or don't otherwise show any romantic interest.

 

There are red flags all over this, yet you insist on continuing. That's on you. If you keep banging your head against the wall, the dent in your head is only going to get bigger. The wall isn't suddenly going to become softer. You keep doing this even though she is not giving you reason to believe this is going to become anything serious. Your past threads very clearly show that.

 

At some point, you need to take accountability for your own poor choices. You are not powerless and have no reason to be scared. Stop positioning yourself as a victim of this woman, and take control of your own love life.

[health]

@ExpatInItaly.....

 

What do you mean by "picker" the way I choose women?

 

Thank you for the empowering reply. I like what you said about the dent getting bigger.

 

I have to look into myself because It looks like I have emotional self harm.or masochistic tendancies that I have to understand and fix.

 

I take full responsibility for this.

 

On another note were my old threads consolidated to this one?

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you mean by "picker" the way I choose women?

 

Yes, that's it.

 

I don't know you so can't say with certainty, of course, but the way you've been pursuing this dead-end for so long does make me wonder if you have a habit of going after women who similarly aren't right for you.

 

Naturally, we won't click with everyone we meet. It happens. But if you're constantly getting turned down, it's worth examining what role you are inadvertently playing in this. Perhaps it's your choice of women, maybe it's something in the way you're approaching them. I just think what's happening with this current woman is reflective about your overall mindset when it comes to relationships, and that could be standing in your way.

[Mrin]

Not to be crass but there is a saying "don't stick your D in crazy"

 

It is doubly true when it comes to problem drinking crazy.

 

Move on. Don't look back.

[health]

Yes, that's it.

 

I don't know you so can't say with certainty, of course, but the way you've been pursuing this dead-end for so long does make me wonder if you have a habit of going after women who similarly aren't right for you.

 

Naturally, we won't click with everyone we meet. It happens. But if you're constantly getting turned down, it's worth examining what role you are inadvertently playing in this. Perhaps it's your choice of women, maybe it's something in the way you're approaching them. I just think what's happening with this current woman is reflective about your overall mindset when it comes to relationships, and that could be standing in your way.

 

Yeah. It's like I want love, but choose girls who're abusive. It's kinda like seeking out my Dad's attention when young but he was absent and abusive.

 

At the same token when I get a new woman in my life, I want one I'm excited about and I like. Not to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.

 

I'm tapering off her. We have talked since this crap happened but I'm tapering off her now.

 

Unless something hapoens where she shows massive love and respect. Not waiting on it and tapering off.

[health]

Not to be crass but there is a saying "don't stick your D in crazy"

 

It is doubly true when it comes to problem drinking crazy.

 

Move on. Don't look back.

 

You're right. I quit alcohol for almost 5 years now. Getting drunk. I have had a drink here and there but not drunk.

 

The cravings are there.

 

I'm dealing with a way crazier problem in my life now. I just got demoted at work. My responsibility but the upler management was unforgiving after my 5 years of work.

 

I'm grateful I still have work but less money.

 

An issue way important to tackle than women who don't care issues.

 

Im committed to getting back on point.