ManicMan Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Hi all, I need to vent and/or get advice and/or get a metaphorical slap to the face so I'm just going to plunge into it. Whilst the details are true, the names have been changed. I've been married to Susan for about 7-8 years, and we've been together for a total of around 8-9 years. We've had 3 kids, 6, 4, and 2 years old. Over those years, we've changed greatly and been through much. However, our relationship has grown pretty weak and it's not helped by the fact she has chronic fatigue syndrome. Over those years, I've had crushes on other women, but never done anything about those, partly because they were unavailable, partly because I didn't want to wreck things. Lately, however, things have shifted somewhat - after about a year of low sex and frequent period of not having couple time, I had to go to aboard on a business trip; on the trip with me was Jennifer, who is very attractive, and we had a fair bit of fun whilst over there; we work together on a semi-regular bias and are based in the same office. This highlighted to me how miserable I was feeling back home. Know, nothing happened whilst I was over there, but... I kinda wish it had. She's unattached and might be interested in me (I'd guess 20% chance of that but it's not zero). Once I got back home, Susan and I had a talk about our marriage, even considering the idea of splitting up - probably with some sort of arrangement where I sleep downstairs in the living room so I and the kids get to see each other still. Ironically, on a friendship and parenting level, we still get along very well and have similar views on alot of things - she's a very good mother and wants me to be in their lives no matter what happens between us. We eventually concluded that we should give it another go and try to fix things, and things have been better since then (I got back from the trip approximately a week ago). However, I feel like I'm abit ... smitten? ... with Jennifer and I wonder if it's worth trying still to fix things with Susan. I know things probably wouldn't work out with Jennifer, but part of me thinks if I'm thinking this way about Jennifer, it seems like my marriage with Susan is pretty doomed. There is also the problem that Jennifer is still looking for dates on Tinder and its possible she might find someone. Complicating the matter (aside from the kids) is the worry I have that this is apart of a midlife crisis (I'm 34 and Susan was my first proper relationship - yeah, I know, very late starter, and I think Jennifer is in her mid to late 20's); I also don't want to hurt anyone, and leaving Susan would probably hurt Susan even though she knows its a possibility at this time. I believe we can -probably- keep from hurting the kids as we can work together still, but it is possible we'd hurt them in the process too. So, do I stay with Susan and somehow put thoughts of Jennifer out of my mind (advice on that would be helpful!)? Or do I bite the bullet and separate, and try to date Jennifer, and if that doesn't work out, go on Tinder or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 So, do I stay with Susan and somehow put thoughts of Jennifer out of my mind (advice on that would be helpful!)? Or do I bite the bullet and separate, and try to date Jennifer, and if that doesn't work out, go on Tinder or something? Warning ManicMan, tough love coming. Hard to think of a more cowardly approach. While your wife sits at home caring for your three small children (makes me tired thinking about it!), you're out comparison shopping a relationship you're too lazy and self-centered to invest effort into? And you're doing this by weighing the realities of home life versus the fantasy of a business trip with a twenty-something? Guess what? Separation and divorce doesn't happen "aside from the kids". You run the risk of seeing them once a week while another man moves in and raises your children, that's the reality. And if your game is such that your wife was your first relationship, not sure I'd put a lot of faith in your Tinder fantasies. This isn't a midlife crisis (at 34?), it's cake-eating selfishness. Were "future" ManicMan here, I'd bet he'd tell you how foolishly reckless you're being with some of the more important things in your life. Given the stakes, much of this might be better discussed with a counselor before you go even further over the line... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Give some serious consideration to Mr Lucky's words. You're pretty transparent and he's spot on in advice. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 More tough love. You aren't doing the work to keep your marriage together. Marriage especially with 3 young children is not a walk in the park. You still have to live life: do laundry, get the homework done, pay bills, deal with illness etc Get some MC. Go back to things you & your wife did when you were dating. You probably can't go out all night but you can light some candles after the kids go to bed & have a beverage, even if it's water or tea. Make a point to add romance. Write a stickie post it note that says I love you & hide it in her underwear drawer. Hug her for no reason. You're looking to ditch your responsibilities. Don't do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 You’re seriously thinking of ditching your family because you had a nice time with a colleague on a work trip? *shakes head* Maybe this is a wake up call to work on your marriage and relationship with your wife. Not to ditch her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Jennifer isn't married. You are. You have a wife and 3 children. You have already agreed with Susan that you would both try and fix things but you are are not fulfilling your end of the bargain because your judgement is being clouded by thoughts of Jennifer. If she is active on Tinder then she can't have that much interest in you. Stay away from Jennifer. You owe Susan the chance to make it work like she is doing for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I think if you're REALLY done with your marriage, you'd know. Given that you're not, your best course is probably to work on it as you describe. Get MC if it becomes necessary. Let it stand or fall on it's own. This work romance thing sounds very much like transitory interest in an attractive other person. These things happen all the time to many many people and the overwhelming majority of them mean absolutely nothing. Do you REALLY think this attractive woman is going to settle for a man with the baggage of an xW with chronic illness and 3 kids to support?? Think about that for a while. Unless you're great looking and rich, if you actually do divorce you can pretty much plan on courting the divorced mom with kids set as they will be your peers. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Don't go with fantasy girl no matter what. She IS a fantasy. Easy to have fun with someone you don't share a mortgage, kids, and car payments with. She's new, sexy, and fun - no strings attached. Except those aren't strings, those are ropes the size used to secure an aircraft carrier. You will ruin your life if you go after her - at work, at home, with your kids, your finances, etc. Really BAD IDEA. Repeat - very bad idea. Fix your marriage or break it. Any fantasy girl (or real affair) won't allow you to fix it. Don't do that. Work on your marriage or divorce and get ready to see your kids every couple of weeks and be poor for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 You are about to jump ship when if you wait it out another 4 years, things may smooth out for you. Of course she has chronic fatigue syndrome (or feels like it). She has three kids, aged 6, 4, and 2!! Are you kidding? One toddler is enough to wear you completely out, and she has two! She's going to be exhausted until all those kids are in school. Hopefully, the four year old is about to start school. You've got a couple more years at least to get the youngest into one. Yes, you're having a midlife crisis or whatever you want to call it. Your wife is overwhelmed with this many kids and all very young and wearing her out. You don't mention how much involvement you have helping take care of them and I'm not going to harp on you about that, but I will just tell you that the ONLY way your wife is going to start feeling any better is if she gets some consistent rest, and the only way that is going to happen is if you get her some help, either a nanny or a daycare or a housekeeper. Yes, all expensive. You should do something to give her at least two (preferably three) eight-hour stretches with someone else caring for the kids a week so she can shop unimpeded (do you know how exhausting it is to shop with kids?) and then take naps and rest up and start to feel human again. Raising young kids is grueling work. It's exhausting. She needs help. And you guys should be on birth control or you get snipped or something to prevent this from continuing. Does this guarantee an immediate resumption of your sex life? No and that shouldn't be part of the conversation. Give her some weeks to get feeling normal again and rested up and see if she spontaneously starts coming around. That 20-year-old would never stay with you, and if she did, you'd be sorry. She's a child. If you want to take care of children, start at home. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Guess what? Separation and divorce doesn't happen "aside from the kids". You run the risk of seeing them once a week while another man moves in and raises your children, that's the reality. Why is that suddenly a factor when deciding about divorce? Where's two happy homes now? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Where's two happy homes now? Two happy homes are indeed better than one toxic one, a concept implying the work has been done to establish that’s the case. Not true here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts