Did I mess up? Will this still work?

[DoSg]

First of all, english is not my first language so apologize if I make an error. Second, I literally make an account here just to ask this, even if I didnt get an answer at least I manage to let it out my chest.

Third, reading this myself, its almost as if this is come out from a fiction so I understand if you guys have your doubts. And its quite long so I put 'TLDR" version below.

 

 

 

I am 23M, was a virgin and never have a serious relationship before. Went to a college last year in engineering major. The college kinda of make it a mandatory to take at least 1 class outside of our major on our first and second years and I took marketing. In marketing class, I met a girl, 24F who would be my girlfriend. At first it was platonic, we didnt share any romantic feelings to each other but we see each other quite common for 2 people who only share 1 class, I am in engineer she in law. I myself is some kind of a nerd and enjoy gaming so its a pleasing knowledge when she told me she shares the same interest. We ended up spending more time together and after a while I took up the courage to ask her out. Now...I am not exactly the best looking guy. I am quite lanky, I am only 5'7, and I know girls like 6'0 guys. And my face is something I considered average too which makes me suddenly very insecure when I asked her out. To my relief she said yes, and we began going out for few times.

 

 

 

Eventually I confessed to her, and she once again accepts, to my delight. She herself, said that this is also her first serious relationship and she is still a virgin too. That is fine, I do not mind taking it slow. I figure the both of us learning romance together would be exciting. Everything feels nice, we texted each other a lot more, we notice things about each other that we didn't know before, both bad and good a lot more, and we were fine with that. She starts learning how to cook to cook for me. She is also quite "clingy" but not in a bad way, more in a sense that she love to hug and snuggle and would rather spend her time with me than with her other friends. I told her she is trying too hard, and reassured her I wont go anywhere. She said she likes doing this so I let it go. I starts to meet her friends more and she starts to meet my friends more, everything feels fine.

 

 

 

 

Fast forward about 5 months, I asks her if she doesn't mind doing sex. She panic, and starts to mumbles things that I know is just an effort to change the subject. I told her I don't mind waiting if she doesn't want to and would be really happy to do it with her because I love her. She agreed. Few weeks later, we finally had sex for the first time. The first was awkward, even though I am the one who ask for it, I ends up wasting time by chatting a lot with her instead of putting my dick inside of her while we were naked. It feels so embarassing. And even when we actually do it, because we have no experience, its just me thrusting and her laying there covering her face. It wasn't perfect but I do love how close we felt when we were doing it. She agreed. Eventually she and I starts to look for an apartment where we can stay together. For the record, we were both working part-time, I helped my brother-in-law with his car repair service, she helps with her aunt jewelry store. We didn't find any apartment that allows us to live in the same room though but we do moved in.

 

 

 

We starts to have more sex since then, it was fun but repetitive, so eventually I grew bored of our sexual life.

 

 

 

NOW THIS IS WHERE I FEEL LIKE I MESSED UP

 

No, I didnt cheat. I asked her if she wants to spice our sexual life a bit more, she was reluctant but she agreed. I didn't know what to do so I just suggest we watch porn together and do whats in the porn and see what would click with us. And we start doing just that and I must say she starts to get more into it day by day, I was the one who mostly initiate sex before but after we watch together, she become more pro-active. Which is something I appreciate.

 

 

Everything feels really good with her, I am not sure if she is the one but I do not mind marrying her one day, not that I will tell her, I am just not ready. One day she got a group project, consisting of 6 people. Her group have 2 guys and 4 girls. She starts to be more busy after that with her group, but I felt pretty secure at the time and there are more girls in her group so I wasn't worried. We still have time together, though, I make sure she can relax, she make sure to spend some time with me despite obviously being tired.

 

 

 

One day, when I was waiting for her to finish her class at the canteen a girl come up to sit across of me. This girl is one of her friend in the major that I've met before. She acts awkward and fidgety which is strange as she looked calm and assured before. When I asked her whats up, she immediately apologize and check her phone. I thought thats just her getting a message from someone and didn't think of it until she shows me whats on the screen and my mind went blank. Apparently she took a photo of my girlfriend embracing one of her group member guy. She told me she saw the both of them ****ing and were sorry to be the one to told me but she feel guilty by keeping it inside. I was furious, betrayed, and want nothing more than to storm to her class and demand explanation but I don't want to create a scene. I told her to leave me alone and she did.

 

 

 

In the end I never confront my girlfriend about it. In my mind, I tried to reason that since I didnt see the photo of them actually doing the deed maybe its just a bad accusation. The insecurity is suddenly back however, and I began to became more paranoid. I started by stalking her social media and her messages and calls. Yes she calls and chat a lot with the guy, and yes most of those can be reasoned for group project. Although at the same time among her other members, he seemed to be the one she talked the most with. That did not makes my insecurity feels better. I starts to pay more attention to her behaviour and found...nothing change? She is still very caring, very "huggy", and overall very affectionate. I decided that what her friend said was false and confront her friend another day. Her "Friend" insists in what she saw, and I am starting to doubt myself again.

 

 

 

Thinking back, maybe most of those "agreed" are just her agreeing for my sake. Maybe I indirectly forces her to do things she didn't want to do? but I told her I didn't want to force her. Maybe she thinks I am only after her body? but I do put effort in our relationship. Theres just so many negative thoughts running in my head and its killing me inside. Eventually their group project is done, she starts to have more time with me again. I insist on more time and sex, to "make up" the time we lost. But really I just need validation. No matter what though, I cannot push away the negative thought on my mind and against my better judgement, I started to stalked her in real life. Yes I know its bad, but this is my first serious relationship and I want to know if there really is a problem with her.

 

 

 

And yes, sadly, she did went out with this guy. Twice. And she seemed to still hang out with him after the group project. The first time was only at something that looks like bookstore that I have no idea about. It looks quite innocent but it doesnt make my mind feel better. The second time however, was them going inside an apartment that I assume to be this guy's.

 

 

Now why would she do all of this when her group project is done? and why didnt she tell me?.

 

 

 

I didn't confront her again, mostly because the year's final exam was coming soon and I'd rather not face the monster with a heartbreak from a revelation.

 

 

Fast forward again, Final Exam passed, holiday starts and I see that she spends most if not all of her time with me or her family. The guy also didn't call or message her anymore after that.Once again, that makes me question if she truly cheats on me and its eating me deep inside. Eventually we approaches new semester. Weeks passed by and I never see her spending time with the guy anymore. The suddenly she announced that she got another group project and to my horror, its with the guy again. This time I didnt wait. That night, A.K.A 24 September 2019, I asked her if she cheats on me. She denies it, but after I told her what I know and what I did, she confess.

 

 

She said she still love me and wants to be with me. She said that she was fine with how our sex was but because I want more she feels the needs to do more. She said she doesn't want to look slutty and feel embarassed if she asked for my help. She said she wants to please me and so for some reasoning I didn't understand , she though asking this guy for help is better. Apparently the guy have a lot of EXes and is the one with the "most" experience she can ask and wont feel awkward doing it.

 

 

 

I asked her what she were doing with him, and she said its mostly just him sharing his experience with girls to her, and sometimes watch porn too and simply just talk. I asked if she ever have sex with him. She said yes, they got anal sex at his apartment before, I almost can't keep my composure. She said she feel guilty afterwards and called it off with him. He sometimes still asked but she ignored him. Apparently she blocked his number on her phone so thats why I never found his call and messages. Their relationship is very short, according to her.

 

 

I asked her how she truly feel about me and she said she is really glad she date me, she said she didn't like betraying me, she also said I make her feel special and she didn't want to break up. Unfortunately or fortunately...I feel the same, so I decided to give her another chance. But no matter what there is this feeling that makes me second guess myself. Did I mess up by asking for more in our sex life? Is she being truthful now? how can I differentiate between her lies and truth? all of these "Signs your SO is cheating" articles on the internet didn't help because she literally act the same. This is just couple of days ago, and I feel that its very hard for me to trust her, simply because I can't be sure if she didnt hide something from me again. What if she do it with another guy? the thoughts just keep torturing me. And I feel pathetic if I asked those question myself so I asked here.

 

 

What should I do? Is it wise to gave her another chance? I am a firm believer to "give someone a second chance" but at the same time, if I cant find out she wasn't being truthful by myself before, how could I tell now? There is also this bitter feeling in my mind that makes me wants to cheat on her but I didn't. After all, if she truly wants to repent, cheating on her back isn't fair either. But how could I be sure she won't do it again?...

 

 

 

Help me sort my thought?

 

 

TLDR: Got my first serious girlfriend, lost our first time together, found out she strays, gave her second chance. Now second-guessing myself.

Edited October 1, 2019 by DoSg

[Maddie82]

She cheated on you and admitted you are not enough for her sexually. How long before he wants 'more' again and goes back to this guy? In my opinion, once that trust has been broken by cheating, things will never be the same again. For me cheating is unforgivable.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, it is not wise to give her another chance. It is incredibly foolish and naive.

 

The chances that this relationship will work out well are just about zero. She isn't invested the way you are, at all, and will openly disrespect you by lying and having sex with other guys.

 

Get rid of her, OP. This will happen again. I guarantee it. Why? She isn't in love with you and isn't mature enough for a relationship. That is a recipe for disaster.

[DoSg]

But why would she still act loving towards me then? I see that she put effort in our relationship. We didn't talk about this problem anymore, in my case, I just need to sort my thoughts.

 

 

 

I feel like she really love me, but I just can't get over her betrayal. And I keep asking myself if its my fault. Yeah I am self-blaming and playing the victim and I hate it, but idk how to fix this.

 

 

I am not sure I am ready to break up too. Idk what to do.

Edited October 3, 2019 by DoSg

[Maddie82]

It doesn't matter how loving she is being or how much effort she is putting in. She broke the trust and cheated. There's no fixing that. It's not your fault either so you can stop with that too. At the end of the day it's your choice if you want to stay with her, but you'll always have that worry in your mind every time she does group projects or every time she goes somewhere alone. You'll always be wondering if she is cheating again. Can you live with that?

[ExpatInItaly]

But why would she still act loving towards me then? I see that she put effort in our relationship. We didn't talk about this problem anymore, in my case, I just need to sort my thoughts.

 

Because she doesn't want to be single. Acting loving and actually loving someone are two completely different things. She took a giant crap all over your relationship - that isn't loving at all.

 

This isn't the type of girl you will be able to have a healthy and lasting relationship with. You won't be able to forget a betrayal of that magnitude. I have a feeling you two will carry on dating for a little while longer, probably with a lot of highs and lows, until one of you finally concedes it isn't working anymore and leaves.

 

I get that since you have never had a relationship before, you don't have much to compare this to. But take my word for it - your relationship with her is usually not the type to have a happy ending.

[preraph]

It was long, so maybe I missed it, but I am not seeing where you and this girl have any kind of exclusive arrangement where you're not seeing other people. If you haven't asked her to be exclusive, then she can assume she can see other guys.

 

I guess it's time you sat down calmly and just asked if she's seeing anyone else. If so, ask her where she sees it going with you, then. I mean, she probably isn't going to marry the first guy she has sex with, to be realistic, and neither are you.

 

Maybe you already had that talk. In that case, still ask her where she sees things going. But I have to tell you, it sounds like you're both still in school and probably too young to be making marriage plans. You should probably both date other people and get some experience.

[DoSg]

It was long, so maybe I missed it, but I am not seeing where you and this girl have any kind of exclusive arrangement where you're not seeing other people.

Yeah I didn't. I just expected that to be the case once we got into our relationship until our partner says otherwise. She do act like she regrets her action though. So maybe she think that was the case too?.

 

 

Thanks for the tip btw, we didn't have that kind of talk but she did claim she love me and wants to stay for a long time. And I do want to make this works if possible. Arent there more worse relationships out there that works out in the end? is this really hopeless?

 

 

Its not the cheating that bothers me the most. Yes it is heart-breaking, what bothers me is the fact that she still act very loving despite doing those behind my back. If not because of her friend I won't know. What if she act so nice and affectionate to me in the future but still betray in the back? How am I supposed to know whether she is being truthful or is she straying if she acts normal in both cases? Negative thoughts just keep coming back into my mind, I even have nightmare recently that I didn't tell her.

 

 

 

I feel like we need a way to convince me that she won't cheat again. And a way to make her more open to me. But, again, idk how.

 

 

 

I get that since you have never had a relationship before, you don't have much to compare this to.

Ugh, I think its because of my wording, but I DO have relationship before. Its just not serious relationships. This is just the first time I actually feel "Oh I love this girl" and those past relationships usually ends in a good and short, sometimes-very-short terms.

[ExpatInItaly]

Y Arent there more worse relationships out there that works out in the end? is this really hopeless?

 

Define "work out."

 

There are couples who stay together even after one person has cheated, yes. That is not to say the relationship has not been severely damaged and that all is well, though. The only couples I know who truly made a go of it after cheating were married or otherwise much longer-term couples, who were older and had a lot more invested in their established history together. Those couples also did a heck of a lot of work together, sometimes years' worth, to get the relationship back on a healthy track. Some time apart, couples' counselling, those sorts of things.

 

The others? Most reconciliations did not last, in my observations. The betrayed party either realized they simply could not rebuild trust, or the cheater did it again or left because they realized they were not in love and could not stay and hurt their ex all over again. I will be honest that I have not seen a young, relatively inexperienced couple survive cheating and stay together in the end.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I know you are looking for hope, but I really see very little chance of this relationship going the distance.

[Maddie82]

Arent there more worse relationships out there that works out in the end? is this really hopeless?

 

Its not the cheating that bothers me the most. What bothers me is the fact that she still act very loving despite doing those behind my back. How am I supposed to know whether she is being truthful or is she straying if she acts normal in both cases? Negative thoughts just keep coming back into my mind, I even have nightmare recently that I didn't tell her.

 

Firstly, the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship is cheat. The reason she is acting all loving is out of guilt. Now that seed of doubt has been planted in your mind it wont go away. You will always be wondering if she is off cheating again. These negative thoughts and nightmares will only get worse. It's up to you if you can live with that.

[DoSg]

Firstly, the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship is cheat. The reason she is acting all loving is out of guilt. Now that seed of doubt has been planted in your mind it wont go away. You will always be wondering if she is off cheating again. These negative thoughts and nightmares will only get worse. It's up to you if you can live with that.

But she was already acting loving even before she cheated. Is there really no hope?...

 

 

I am still happy remembering the time when she said she is glad she dated me.

Edited October 5, 2019 by DoSg

[ExpatInItaly]

But she was already acting loving even before she cheated. Is there really no hope?...

 

Right, and look how sincere that turned out to be.

 

You are not going to find many people here who will tell you that staying with a cheater is a good idea and that there is hope here, OP. I know you are likely going to go ahead and stay anyway, but you will learn the hard way that relationships like this almost never last.

[Maddie82]

But she was already acting loving even before she cheated. Is there really no hope?...I am still happy remembering the time when she said she is glad she dated me.

 

But she still cheated with anither guy. What does that tell you? It means you are not enough for her. She deeply cares for you sure but there is something that she is not getting from your relationship. You are a safety blanket for her.

[DoSg]

Tnx everyone, since I already told her I will give her second chance it will be awkward if I back off this early, I think I will wait and see how things goes from here.

 

 

All the while preparing my mental state for the eventual break up.

 

 

Still...Any more advices?

 

 

And I still find it hard for me to do this. I havent talk about this with her again too. Dammit!

 

 

But she still cheated with anither guy. What does that tell you? It means you are not enough for her. She deeply cares for you sure but there is something that she is not getting from your relationship. You are a safety blanket for her.

 

 

But if I am just a safety blanket for her, wont that means she didn't care enough for me? I am confused. Also if it helps, I kinda can confirmed she is a virgin before me if the blood that day were any indication...

Edited October 5, 2019 by DoSg

[Maddie82]

It's you're choice. But things won't be the same as before. She betrayed you. How long before she's looking for more again?

[ExpatInItaly]

Also if it helps, I kinda can confirmed she is a virgin before me if the blood that day were any indication...

 

Bloodshed during intercourse is not always an indication of virginity. I can speak from experience on that. Perhaps she truly was a virgin, but that alone is not confirmation.

 

I really don't know how you intend to give her a second chance while mentally preparing for a break-up at the same time. You can't do both. There's not much we can advise when you're attempting to achieve two contradictory objectives. It's like trying to turn right and left simultaneously.

 

If you intend to stay, accept that your relationship won't ever really be the same. You will never trust her the way you once did. Expect that when she is distant and distracted or has to do group work again, your anxiety and insecurity will hit the roof. If she is too tired or otherwise doesn't want to have sex some night, you will probably twist yourself in knots wondering if she's getting it somewhere else. This is going to take a long time to settle.

 

In other words, buckle up. You are in for a very bumpy ride ahead.

[elaine567]

Tnx everyone, since I already told her I will give her second chance it will be awkward if I back off this early...

 

Awkward? Who cares about awkward?...

Without being able to trust her you will find yourself in a very bad place... your self esteem will suffer... and it will be heartbreaking if she cheats again...

[JS84]

It's your choice. Personally, I think you knew you were going to give her a second chance the second she offered. You just want some confirmation you made the right decision. You didn't, but again it's your choice.

 

Tnx everyone, since I already told her I will give her second chance it will be awkward if I back off this early...

 

Dude, what???? Anymore awkward then her cheating on you???? Come on man....