CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 How do you have coffee at 8pm though? I mean, I'm not crazy about "drinks" either, but there's no denying that it's convenient for short meetups after dinner. When you get to know each other better you can pick wherever you both like, be it lawn bowling or gelato ... or indeed coffee at 8pm. I can't think of a more boring date than decaf coffee at 8PM 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Speak up. If you don't drink & don't like bars you have to say something. It's part of who you are. Yes you could go to a more restaurant place, sit at a table & order a non-alcoholic beverage but if that's not your scene offer an alternative. What you can't do is remain quiet then be all pi$$y about the fact that you don't like the venue or her indulging. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Go someplace that has tables and not just stools. I hate that too. Maybe just say, Let's go somewhere we can get a table and chairs instead of stools. Some places have stools even at the tables. But you just order a nonalcoholic beverage, a soft drink or some juice or iced tea. Of course, you'll have to see if alcohol is central to her existence eventually, but on this first meet, it's just a typical first meet thing. If you like her, ask her to a restaurant that doesn't have alcohol and just make sure she isn't jonesing for alcohol or thinks that's weird. She might. But even when I was drinking the most, I didn't enjoy drinking with dinner. So you never know. Don't fool her into thinking you're drinking alcohol. Dates are to get to know each other. If you order a Coke, she might order a drink or follow your lead. Just learn what she's like. Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I guess you really never go to bars :-) Your feet do not dangle unless you are a small child's height. Most adults can reach the foot rest. And if you don't use the foot rest and instead dangle your feet, it's not a cool look and you said you don't want that. Maybe you have a narrow idea of what a bar is. There are many types. Some are business like with people in suits, some are loud sports, some are pick up joints, all kinds. Don't assume you need to order alcoholic drinks. At restaurants if you're not having a meal they won't let you take up a table. Better go with the bar at an expensive hotel. You can get a table and usually the people there are not a bunch of regulars. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Or you can go to a restaurant that has alcoholic beverages. She can have her drink, you can get some food or something. I wouldn't even mention that you don't drink beforehand, just meet up with her and don't order alcohol. If she asks about it you can tell her you don't drink. You never know if you will get along unless you give it a try, the non-drinking could be an issue or it could be nothing at all. I wouldn't sweat it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 If she suggested drinks then I wouldn't turn it into a dinner in a restaurant. Just tell her you don't drink and go from there. Come up with an alternative beverage in a cafe that stays open late. Hot chocolate, milkshake, soft drinks. Do it. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 It sounds like the first sign of incompatibility. Although I rarely go to bars, I would not want to date someone who would be miserable doing so. I think you ought to tell her if you seriously do not like something. What is the point in dating someone if you are going to be at odds about leisure activities? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 please don't come off as high maintenance to her, complaining about stools and why you don't drink, etc... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 IDK, I DD plenty and go with friends to bars and don't drink. Heck, my exW who does drink, sometimes robustly, has been living with a recovering alcoholic (27 years if memory serves) for the last 10 years. They worked it out. I see the 'meet for drinks' thing as more a social deal. However, if not enjoying socializing like that, yeah, suggest something else. I usually liked quiet places for first meetings so fewer distractions and easier to communicate and enjoy each other's company. Plenty of opportunities there. I think my last 'first' date since divorced was meeting a lady at a sushi place for lunch. We had a fun couple hours. Didn't work out but didn't need any alcohol even though we both drink. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I don't recommend quiet places for a first meeting carhill. if the meeting goes south at least you'll have something to talk about if the place is busy. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 please don't come off as high maintenance to her, complaining about stools and why you don't drink, etc... ^^^ This. You are a grown man. You can surely "meet for drinks". It is a social ritual. You do not want to be considered "weird". There are so many non alcoholic drinks available that noone is going to turn a hair if you want to remain tee total.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I don't recommend quiet places for a first meeting carhill. if the meeting goes south at least you'll have something to talk about if the place is busy. I'm not interested in filling time, meaning I head out if the meet doesn't pan out, and noise tends to annoy me when I'm trying to pay attention to someone. The OP struck me, being bar averse, to not like noisy social situations. OP, you good in busy places as long as they're not bars? If so, suggest an alternative. There are plenty of non-bars that have live entertainment that could fill that bill. Others are right though, get overly detailed and/or picky up front and people move on. Who knows, with the right gal you might enjoy your feet dangling just fine Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 If you don’t like being in a bar then say so. You are certainly capable of showing up anywhere and ordering a soda. Maybe see if the lifestyles meld well... I wouldn’t wish to be with someone who constantly needs to hang out at a bar - but meeting there is a different deal. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I don't drink either. If and when I meet someone for drinks it's usually coffee (if during the day) or if it's an evening I get iced tea or a non alcoholic beverage (ex. juice). If the other asks why I tell them I don't drink. And that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 Lots of interesting comments here for me to think about. Ideally I would prefer a woman who doesn't drink, but I realize that using that filter would severely limit my ability to find anyone and as long as she's not an alcoholic I'd hope it wouldn't be a problem. I certainly don't have any kind of clinical fear of bars, but they are not my "cup of tea" so to speak. Even if my feet are resting on something I just don't like the feeling of sitting up high on a stool. to Me a regular table is much more comfortable. Sometimes I go out with friends and order a non-alcohohlic drink, but we usually order food along with drinks. I've never met someone just "for drinks" in my life. I know I may sound like an alien, but I didn't know if they implied that I would be buying alcohol. I'm certainly fine with busy places that aren't bars, but I don't like loud places that much. Just last week I went to a restaurant with fantastic food, but that had horrible acoustics where I couldn't hear the people at the table with me. I don't think I'd ever go back there. There are times when I'll order "bar food" and like those little bites, but I just can't stand alcohol and don't like loud music. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Then suggest a place that isn’t loud. Nobody is expected to order alcohol just because they are in a bar. The distaste about barstools seems...weird and overly picky to me...but whatever. You do you. If you have enough options that a barstool is a deal breaker, good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Ok, any decent bar has normal tables, too. I can't remember any bar I've ever been to that didn't have bar seats and table seats. You can even look at pics of the place online to verify beforehand. I think your preference for non-drinkers or light/social drinkers only is fine. I drink a little when it's around on an occasion, but I wouldn't miss it that much if I never drank again. There are tons of people out there. Given how particular you are about the location, why not reply with your own idea and spot? You don't have to explain your objections to hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I would suggest you suck it up for a first date and be willing to at least sit at a high table in the bar area. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to sit AT the bar (bellied up) on a first date (or ever), but to stipulate you won't even sit at a high table is a bit much. That preference can be reserved for later dates if you get that far. (And it's fine to have that preference, but I would not make that a demand on a first date). Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 I would suggest you suck it up for a first date and be willing to at least sit at a high table in the bar area. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to sit AT the bar (bellied up) on a first date (or ever), but to stipulate you won't even sit at a high table is a bit much. That preference can be reserved for later dates if you get that far. (And it's fine to have that preference, but I would not make that a demand on a first date). Definitely I'm not stipulating that I won't ever sit at a high table. Just saying that I'd prefer a regular one and feel a bit more comfortable there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Definitely I'm not stipulating that I won't ever sit at a high table. Just saying that I'd prefer a regular one and feel a bit more comfortable there. Step out of your comfort zone a little bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 ok wow this is quite a debate! I think OP (hi Max!) needs to be creative. First of all, while it's nice to see it from your perspective of what you like and don't like, one thing to consider is that she may have suggested that because of what she likes, which i'm sure you've slightly figured out. I think you might have erroneously attributed her "wanting to meet for a drink" to be about alcoholic beverages. It might or it might not be or it might be that she drinks but that it's relatively unimportant or a small part of her life. I'm guessing some reasons she suggested "drinks" is because lots of "bars" have a good environment for a potentially romantic or flirty date (darker lighting, cozy booths or seating). Also it's a short date potentially that does not impose much in the way of time or money, nor is it uninspired. These are all equally valid reasons why she may have suggested a drink. Also it's just a thing lots of people say. IMO, you are getting too hung up on a limited view of bars. There are many things that would be a place to meet for a drink that fit that description. Go to a lounge or a good restaurant and sit in the bar area for a drink (alcoholic for her if she wants, non for you and an appetizer). It seems like you like good restaurants so this is the perfect time to give one a try for the ambiance. Also a hotel bar or outside pretty locale with fresh air and a variety of drinks (regular and alcoholic), like a wine garden I think you need to be somewhat flexible on some of these things unless being in a place where alcohol is served is problematic for you. There are so many places it is served that you just need to tailor it to the two of you a bit (unless it is a problem overall which doesn't sound like the case). The biggest point is if you are rejecting the idea altogether because you are misinterpreting what she means or what you willing to try, you run the risk of coming off as inflexible and rigid or unwilling to socialize. To go out to a crowded, loud sports bar might not be your thing but your willingness to SOCIALIZE with a girl who would like to date you in a setting that you can pick or influence is a must IMO. Basically, I think it's good to show that the date is about wanting to meet with and talk to her and that you are open and social enough to go out and creative enough to figure out where. There is enough variety available that you can be true to yourself and show yourselves a good time. So lastly there is validity to the fact that if this (any bars whatsoever, the fact that you don't drink or don't like certain places) is a deal breaker or such a part of you that you can't accept a partner who is into these things or if you don't want a partner who does these things, then of course now is the time to deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Hey OP What you mention about bars - loud music/high chairs and alcohol. There’s loads of bars where that doesn’t figure. Plenty with squashy chairs where you can’t get comfy, or normal chairs. Plus loads with low level music, nice cosy atmospheres. I was at the pub last night with a mate. Like I say, I dont drink. It wasn’t loud. Just chill and enjoy. Some mention don’t explain why you don’t drink lest you appear weird. I totally agree not because of appearing weird, but more because - why should you explain yourself? You wouldn’t walk up to a date, sit down, order a drink and suddenly blurt out you don’t like mushrooms. Only mention if asked. But sometimes the “why” gets forced by pushy nosey Parker’s who react like you don’t breath air - so the not mentioning “why” is not always an option. As I said just be ready to field it. I usually just say “I just don’t”. Not everyone likes mushrooms (back to mushrooms). ultimately if someone starts being a dick about it and not just settling with “I don’t drink” and keeps pushing like they’re Poirot, then that’s their weird little hang ups coming out not yours. Most girls I’ve dated aren’t bothered, in fact the last two didn’t drink that much themselves and I think were quite relieved I wasn’t someone who drink was a big thing (they’re thinking he’s less likely to be constantly out on lads nights out). There’s plenty of profiles on tinder mentioning they don’t want someone who thinks drink is important. So I wouldn’t mention it and don’t expand on it unless forced to. Even then, play it down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Plenty with squashy chairs where you can’t get comfy, Yep, my fave pubs have sofas. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 She probably just suggested it because she figured mostly everybody drinks. You can just tell her the bar scene isn’t really your thing and come up with a better idea like a movie. If she wants a bar because it’s an easy out then a movie is even better because you don’t have to talk too much plus you’ll also have something else in common when it’s over. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Sometimes I go out with friends and order a non-alcohohlic drink, but we usually order food along with drinks. I've never met someone just "for drinks" in my life. Whoa, really? I'm extremely introverted and even I have gone for drinks with friends a fair number of times, lol. Also, co-workers, etc. Do you live in a culture where this is taboo, perhaps? Don't your colleagues ever go for after-work drinks? I know I may sound like an alien, but I didn't know if they implied that I would be buying alcohol.No, not necessarily - everyone here has agreed on that at least. It is 100% fine to go for drinks and order a non-alcoholic beverage. Link to post Share on other sites
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