doh Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 I instigated our separation after a number of years of issues that couldn't be resolved. We've been together for 20 years. We agreed we would get together on the weekends to work on us. After some time I (and with the help of my therapist) have realised that I'm too badly broken. I can't fix us, I need to focus on me. It has taken me a long time to get to this position. In couples therapy recently I outlined my position, I want proper separation for a while to process everything. My partner didn't respond well (angrily), further confirming my decision is correct. It's been a week now. I have such conflicting feelings. How can I feel like I need to leave and want to stay at exactly the same time?? It's like my inner compass is completely broken. I feel horribly guilty for hurting them so much, but I can't keep disregarding my own mental health by continuing as things are. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm in constant 'flight' mode. Our home is no longer a safe space for me (I'm staying elsewhere right now). I just can't handle the dichotomy of my feelings. I really don't want to hurt them any more, I need to make a decision. Why do all choices feel like the wrong ones??? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 What are the issues that have "broken" you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 1, 2019 Author Share Posted October 1, 2019 It's hard to quantify, years of psychological abuse. Lots of stuff that looks trivial when you look at things individually, but built up over many many years. Where breaking point was a possible affair. Too many small lies. Complete lack of trust, and in the past year after coming to a head, no real sign of progress. I know it's partly my fault for enabling it. "If I do THIS then things will get better...", "Maybe if I act this way they will see the error of their ways...", "They had a tough past, they don't mean it...", etc... I'm really sad, kind of relieved, and afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 You are just wallowing in the pain and forcing him too also. Divorce - quickly. Limbo is the worst possible destination and you are trying to vacation there. it won't help. Tell him you are just too broken and have decided to divorce and it is not a question. Then do it. Brighter days are ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 It’s natural you would feel the need to run back... that’s just knowing what’s familiar. But it’s not healthy if it hurts you to be in the marriage. Everyone will adjust. If you were used to being abused that was normal for you back then...and now maybeyouve learned it ISN’T normal and no one should stay when a partner is abusive and hasn’t completely changed their ways! Be on your own. Learn how to be happy on your own - it’s a gift you give to yourself! I would stop meeting him weekly - that creates a false hope. Don’t be afraid - it gets better with time and practice doing things differently. Change is good... change brings hope! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I really don't want to hurt them any more, Why all the third person pronouns? You don't separate to work on your relationship, it's to prep for dissolution of the relationship. Time to decide, in or out... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 Why all the third person pronouns? You don't separate to work on your relationship, it's to prep for dissolution of the relationship. Time to decide, in or out... Mr. Lucky I have my reasons for the third person. But yes, I think you're right. It's time to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
6dGayleMaree Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) I hear your pain and the indecision is adding to it. The decision you're looking for is one of relief. Which decision feels like relief, this one or that one. It doesn't feel like the right one, because you are a long way down the rabbit hole. But just take one step at a time. You sound like you need space and this environment is not going to provide it. 'He's' angry because his life will change and it's inconvenient. If you are outside the web, then you aren't under control anymore. Yet, for you, being outside that web will give you a clearer perspective. It doesn't have to be a separation. Take baby steps. Take a vacation for a week or two, then make another decision. They're baby steps. One feeling of relief and then another. That's when you'll restore your inner compass. There is no better advice you can receive than from your own inner being. So restoring that is important. Relationships are so much better when you are balanced. Be brave and make a decision for your own well-being. Gayle Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 ever think your getting Bad advice from your therapist ? I certainly haven't seen any good advice in my life. to them it's all about the money Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Where breaking point was a possible affair. Too many small lies. Complete lack of trust, and in the past year after coming to a head, no real sign of progress. Sounds like all speculation. What made you think he was possibly having an affair? I'm assuming it was him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 28, 2019 Author Share Posted October 28, 2019 My therapist is really good. I don't think it's all about money, I find their advice helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doh Posted October 28, 2019 Author Share Posted October 28, 2019 Sounds like all speculation. What made you think he was possibly having an affair? I'm assuming it was him. There's a lot of stuff I don't want to go into right now, it was my wife I think had an affair. But it's more than that anyway. Emotional abuse over the course of years, my own issues and inability to stand up for myself, always trying to keep the piece etc.... It's come to a head now. And therapy, couples counselling have only brought it all to a head. Link to post Share on other sites
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