Affair Reflection

[Hrgirl915]

This message board is so sad. Full of broken lives and broken hearts. People come here to tell their stories as part of healing. Trolls pounce without compassion.

 

I wish I could turn back the clock to the girl who existed the day before my affair. I would tell her to stop and go the other way.

 

A medical professor at a well known university. A doctor. Educated, charming, and interesting. He knew everything to say. Build me up with all the attention and compliments possible. But words are just that, words. The thrill of the chase to the bedroom I suppose.

 

After six years all I have is deep sadness and a rearview mirror of memories now blackened with the reality I was just being used.

 

While he told me he loved me, talked of having a child with me and asked me to be patient, he was continuing to build a life with his wife. The day after “making love” with me and “wanting to make a baby”, he closed on the vacation home he secretly built with her. The next time it was buying her a new Mercedes just days after being intimate. Meanwhile the dress he told me to get that he would buy for me - he was only able to give me part of the money. How ludicrous is this story?

 

He once called me a whore upon return from a three day trip away together. I forgave him. But this became the name for myself when we fought. It would anger him. Another time he told me I was an ugly person on the inside. Maybe I am? Clearly these examples are only the surface of six years. I was in complete adoration of him. He could have physically killed me and I would have believed it was out of his love for me.

 

But this was the stupor of which I existed. Blind and hopeful that what I felt was real. All along, just a game to a man using me to make the mundane of his current life more tolerable. At first it was the excuse he couldn’t hurt his mother by leaving his wife and when she passed it morphed into a mistake he had to live with. “If only I knew you existed, I would have waited” he would say.

 

Affairs are fantasies. For you a fantasy of a life together and for him a second life of thrill fantasy. There is nothing real and in the end you are just a shell. Living hurts and dying is scary. So you feel trapped and ashamed of the fool you became.

 

Keep your dignity or reclaim your dignity. Whichever it is, walk away before you waste anymore precious time. Time heals. As my AP said, “time heals over long periods of time.”

[Artdeco]

He sounds like an abusive piece of ****, and I’m sorry you had to go through this. I think you said above in your OP that he might have been just looking for something to distract himself from his mundane, boring life. I know there isn’t much people can tell you that will make you feel better and get over your pain quickly - But just take this piece of knowledge that you have about him: his life being boring and mundane, and that he will never be satisfied and happy, and that you on the other hand can make your own life awesome, and that you can create your life in a way that you want it to be. And that he cannot.

[LivingWaterPlease]

HRgirl915, I'm so sorry you put yourself through this. From reading your post you sound like a beautiful person, actually, who made a very bad choice.

 

Who on earth would want to be married to that guy (your ex AP)? His poor wife is stuck with him. Be glad you got away from him and enjoy a life of freedom now.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear you went through this Hrgirl.

[WB6989]

So sorry to hear what you went through. My heart broke with each sentence you wrote. I hope for your happiness and peace of mind. Has your affair ended?

[Hrgirl915]

So sorry to hear what you went through. My heart broke with each sentence you wrote. I hope for your happiness and peace of mind. Has your affair ended?

 

Thank you for your kindness. This experience certainly does not leave one feeling worthy of anything yet alone sympathy so I am thankful for everyone’s support.

 

In regards to your question, yes, it has ended. While I have found myself stating this before, it definitely feels different this time. You can get busy living or get busy dying. I am tired of dying and I want better for myself than to be dessert for his ego.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He will not change, but you have. Good for you.

 

You are worthy of redemption.

[Starswillshine]

HRgirl,

 

This MM sounds cruel and abusive. I am glad you can see what he is and have backed away. I cannot believe he called you that. I am glad you are seeing your self worth and walking away.

[elaine567]

How long ago did it end?

Who ended it?

Was there a dday?

How old are you now?

 

Six years is a long time.

Time now to choose you.

[Abetterme]

OP - I am sorry you are hurting and glad that you are moving forward. I think for many to walk away it takes hitting your emotional rock bottom. I really agree with your phrasing that by staying in the A you’re choosing to die a slow emotional death, or free yourself from a toxic cycle, and live.

 

I hope with this reflection on past choices, you’ll be in a better place to welcome a healthy relationship with an available partner. All the best to you!

[jah526]

I think it’s the hope that’s so addictive (I’ve seen it called hopium on another site). That takes some real inner strength to walk away after six years. Chalk it up to a learning experience, albeit a painful one, and build on that strength.

[WB6989]

HRgirl915

what made you decide to end it? Was there a D day? What's the longest time you've gone without contacting each other in the 6 years?

[Hrgirl915]

WB6989 -

 

I tried ending it many times. Him too. The longest we ever went without communicating in some form was probably 2-3 weeks. Although once we didn’t see each other for over 4 months. The minute you see each other the vicious cycle ensues.

 

This time is different however. I am tired of dying. I want my life back. He’s been living while I’ve been dying. In some ways I don’t even know if I love MM anymore. He’s hurt me so much and I could never trust him. There is zero chance of a healthy relationship. Everything I think or feel is minimized. I am also tired of feeling like I’m in competition with a woman I don’t even know. I watch his wife on social media - which infuriates him - and it devalues my self worth to be kept in the shadows when I am just as good as her. He says he chooses me but that he made a “wrong choice that now he has to live with.” I feel sorry for her in some ways that after 6 years I know what a liar he is but after 25 years she does not? How could someone be so duplicitous?

[preraph]

Well, you got burned real good. Choices have consequences, and the fact is affairs with married men rarely work out for the OW. You have to remind yourself going in that if he would cheat on her, he would cheat on you. It's one of those "it is what it is" things. Never overlook the obvious.

 

And I hope you did get away with some dignity left. Steer clear of married men or cheating men, even if they're not married -- if you can tell.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

He will not change, but you have. Good for you.

 

You are worthy of redemption.

 

^^^^Seconded! Lift yourself up rather than beat yourself up, so you can move beyond this quicker. You've already taken the knocks and learned the lessons. What will beating yourself up accomplish? Instead, you might be able to turn this into something positive, like being a beacon for someone else who can learn from you rather than through hard experiences. All the best and keep moving forward!

[Starswillshine]

WB6989 -

I am also tired of feeling like I’m in competition with a woman I don’t even know. I watch his wife on social media - which infuriates him - and it devalues my self worth to be kept in the shadows when I am just as good as her. He says he chooses me but that he made a “wrong choice that now he has to live with.” I feel sorry for her in some ways that after 6 years I know what a liar he is but after 25 years she does not? How could someone be so duplicitous?

 

You have a HUGE piece of the puzzle that she does not.

 

Stop comparing yourself to her. Usually the OW is pretty different than the BW. They want different. They are tired of the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... they want some dessert. It isnt about choosing. Why should he choose, he has both. But if made to choose, he is choosing his wife. It doesnt matter what he SAYS. His actions say over and over, he chooses her. Who knows the reasons for that. What matters here is just because he chooses her, does not mean that you are less than. Your worth is not tied up in what this scumbag values.

 

Some guys are cruel because women allow them to be. You should never allow a man to use you and then call you derogatory names. I want to kick him for you.

[BaileyB]

He says he chooses me but that he made a “wrong choice that now he has to live with.”

 

Ah, so he is the victim here... at least, according to him. Typical.

 

I feel sorry for her in some ways that after 6 years I know what a liar he is but after 25 years she does not?

 

Indeed, you have a piece of the puzzle that she does not.

 

You really shouldn’t follow this woman on social media. To do so, is self-injurious. Her life is probably not wine and roses, so stop creating a fairy tale ending for this woman - the fairy tale ending that you wanted and could not have... Nobody has a fairy-tale ending when they get involved with the evil villain disguised as the handsome prince.

Edited October 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[WB6989]

HRgirl915, i don't know what it is , but reading your story really breaks my heart. Perhaps my MM gives me the same sense of false hope that created similar emotional dependency as yours. It feels sounds so familiar

let's keep each other accountable and never contact the MM again. Never answer any calls/texts/emails. Leave everything behind . Moving onto a brighter future

[mincrafter]

Are you married?

 

Does your husband know of your affair?

[Hrgirl915]

HRgirl915, i don't know what it is , but reading your story really breaks my heart. Perhaps my MM gives me the same sense of false hope that created similar emotional dependency as yours. It feels sounds so familiar

let's keep each other accountable and never contact the MM again. Never answer any calls/texts/emails. Leave everything behind . Moving onto a brighter future

 

 

You may have hit it on the head - emotional dependency!!! I have a close friend to which I joke I’m Pavlov’s Dog! The A has conditioned me to only feel happiness (albeit brief) when my text or email dings. And of course the sound of his voice. Anyways, I deleted old phone messages yesterday. That was a big deal to me on this path. But I agree, let’s keep each other accountable!!!!

[WB6989]

You may have hit it on the head - emotional dependency!!! I have a close friend to which I joke I’m Pavlov’s Dog! The A has conditioned me to only feel happiness (albeit brief) when my text or email dings. And of course the sound of his voice. Anyways, I deleted old phone messages yesterday. That was a big deal to me on this path. But I agree, let’s keep each other accountable!!!!

 

 

ah i feel like Pavlov's dog too...salivating at the hint of his love ( texts, emails)

felt like a zombie just counting down the days in between him throwing me a bone. Luckily, even though we were conditioned to only feel happiness from MM for a while, we can always de-condition ourselves now. It's by cessation of all triggers/contact.

Great job on deleting his old messages, i know how difficult that must've been. Any old pictures left? letters he wrote you? songs and poems he wrote you? delete all of that. let everything go. and aim for 0.5-1% less emotional dependence on MM everyday.

[Hrgirl915]

You really shouldn’t follow this woman on social media. To do so, is self-injurious. Her life is probably not wine and roses, so stop creating a fairy tale ending for this woman - the fairy tale ending that you wanted and could not have... Nobody has a fairy-tale ending when they get involved with the evil villain disguised as the handsome prince.

 

You are so right!!!! And I need to unfriend her on Facebook. Here I am, was doing so well and now I’m back to square one. Why? Because I saw on FB they were traveling the northeast coast last weekend admiring the fall foliage. She smiles while I’m dying inside.

[Hrgirl915]

ah i feel like Pavlov's dog too...salivating at the hint of his love ( texts, emails)

felt like a zombie just counting down the days in between him throwing me a bone. Luckily, even though we were conditioned to only feel happiness from MM for a while, we can always de-condition ourselves now. It's by cessation of all triggers/contact.

Great job on deleting his old messages, i know how difficult that must've been. Any old pictures left? letters he wrote you? songs and poems he wrote you? delete all of that. let everything go. and aim for 0.5-1% less emotional dependence on MM everyday.

 

There are pictures and emails. I saved them on a thumb drive but deleted them from my phone. Have you deleted everything?

 

I failed our pact. I viewed her Facebook page and took steps backwards emotionally. As another said, I need to not view her. It is self-injurious.

[ABernie]

This message board is so sad. Full of broken lives and broken hearts. People come here to tell their stories as part of healing. Trolls pounce without compassion.

 

Living hurts and dying is scary. So you feel trapped and ashamed of the fool you became.

 

 

 

I can't reiterate these two things more.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Hi Hrgirl - I don’t really have any advice, but wanted to send you some support. You sound like you are in a pretty good mindset (albeit a painful one...) so you are already a lot further along in recovery than you might even realize. Facing reality is a huge step. I hope you can find a way to feel good about that.

 

Also, I did/do the whole wife-comparison thing too. Before A, I used to think she was pretty average all around. During and especially now after A, she is on this incredibly tall pedestal. I think part of it is that he chose her, and part of it is my guilt from doing this to another woman.

 

Hope you’re hanging in there. You’re not alone.