Affair Reflection

[Hrgirl915]

Hi Hrgirl - I don’t really have any advice, but wanted to send you some support. You sound like you are in a pretty good mindset (albeit a painful one...) so you are already a lot further along in recovery than you might even realize. Facing reality is a huge step. I hope you can find a way to feel good about that.

 

Also, I did/do the whole wife-comparison thing too. Before A, I used to think she was pretty average all around. During and especially now after A, she is on this incredibly tall pedestal. I think part of it is that he chose her, and part of it is my guilt from doing this to another woman.

 

Hope you’re hanging in there. You’re not alone.

 

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you checking in on me. It’s been a tough week as I set myself back. :/ I don’t have the courage yet to delete the connection with her but I’m getting there. It’s rare any pictures of him appear as I think he purposefully refrains from taking pictures with her or has instructed her not to post ones containing him. Around the time we connected, I noticed that died down considerably in comparison to her history. About once per year a picture will surface of them at her work holiday party because someone tagged it. She will still mention him though, like how they traveled last weekend. Just selfie headshots of her. The hardest part for me is I can definitely see the neglect in his marriage since the start of our affair as his wife has let herself somewhat go. Given how I tried to always be everything he spoke about, it frustrates me. He used to tell me I had to look like a “Drs” wife when I met him out near his university. It would stress me as I always thought I did look pretty and professional. His wife no longer resembles that persona in the photographs I’ve seen. Anyways, again, more examples of the stupor of which I existed.

 

I am slowly getting there. Being able to open up in a somewhat neutral environment is helpful.

[assertives]

He used to tell me I had to look like a “Drs” wife when I met him out near his university. It would stress me as I always thought I did look pretty and professional. His wife no longer resembles that persona in the photographs I’ve seen. Anyways, again, more examples of the stupor of which I exist.

 

What the hell does that even mean. I work in a hospital around alot of doctors all the time and their spouses look just like your average man and woman on the street. I bet that "Drs wife" facade is just his own personal whims.

[Hrgirl915]

What the hell does that even mean. I work in a hospital around alot of doctors all the time and their spouses look just like your average man and woman on the street. I bet that "Drs wife" facade is just his own personal whims.

 

Yeah, I wondered that too especially after seeing pictures of his wife. It was for his ego I would presume. Status. Probably made him feel special.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Trolls pounce without compassion.

 

Compassion for whom? Who is it that you think is worthy of compassion and who is it that you believe is not?

[Inspire]

I think it’s the hope that’s so addictive (I’ve seen it called hopium on another site). That takes some real inner strength to walk away after six years. Chalk it up to a learning experience, albeit a painful one, and build on that strength.

 

They say: "hope is is the last thing to go." I am a believer of that.

[LIRR88]

I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing, torturing myself social media spying on the wife. It hurts like hell and it’s not worth it. I don’t feel jealous of her in anyway, it’s the happy family pictures, their wedding, their vacations, the whole “perfect little family” on Facebook thing that gets me. But guess what? It’s all fake, I know the truth and she doesn’t. Social media in general is pretend, people pretending to have perfect lives, when the reality is that behind those photos we have no idea what’s really happening. If you were to see my Instagram you wouldn’t believe that the girl that looks happy in all her photos is the same person on love shack going though something so painful, it’s just a mask. Do not compare yourself to the wife like someone else said, you are letting him put value on you when really that has to come from within. He is nothing and you will realize that in time. You gotta love yourself 100 percent so when the right guy DOES come along you won’t accept any half ass love.

[stillafool]

If you really believed this wouldn't it make sense to stay off of social media?

Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[pepperbird]

op,

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you really need to stop blaming him and spying on his wife. Why is she even your facebook friend anyway? It's actually pretty twisted that an OW would add the wife of the married guy she's sleeping with so she an spy on her. Please stop that. It doesn't sound like it's who "you "really are anyway.

 

 

 

I noticed a lot of focus on him and what he did/didn't do. That can be helpful if you're trying to find reasons why an affair , or any relationship, is bad for you. It won't be helpful if you try and blame your pain on someone else.

 

I say that because what you can't own as being to your own choices, you can't change. You'll be stuck in heartache. Instead, why not try, " I am here because of a series of decisions I made. I gave away my power, but now, I'm taking it back. I will move forward, making choices that are best for me and who I really am at heart".

 

You'll feel so free. The albatross will be gone.

[Amethyst68]

It sounds like you have not actually ended the affair but are just thinking about it. I'm sorry if I've got it wrong.

 

I think after 6 years there's little to no chance he's leaving, especially if he's in a high visibility job. I hope I'm wrong but I don't really see much force for change in your posts, as if you're waiting for him to take action one way or another.

 

Please stop spying on this innocent woman and taking cheap shots at her personal appearance, it doesn't reflect well on you.

[Lobouspo]

Send all evidence of the affair to his wife. He's wrecked a world of havoc on you. Hold him accountable

[Amethyst68]

Send all evidence of the affair to his wife. He's wrecked a world of havoc on you. Hold him accountable

 

The OP is a grown woman and is accountable for her own actions.

[LIRR88]

If you really believed this wouldn't it make sense to stay off of social media?

 

It does make sense, that’s why i stopped checking. I use to all the time months ago and I realized it’s a waste of time and counter active to my healing process. But hey we’re all human and sometimes we can’t help but be curious.

[stillafool]

So does this mean you are now off social media and have blocked him from contact?

[LIRR88]

So does this mean you are now off social media and have blocked him from contact?

 

MM and I were never social media friends, I would see his facebook because it’s public and obviously his wife is tagged so I use to see her photos also. I haven’t blocked his email but I’m confident he’s not coming back anytime soon as he is the one that ghosted me. Wouldn’t make a difference if he contacts me anyway, I’ve accepted the fact that it’s not meant to be and he’s not leaving her.

[Hrgirl915]

Send all evidence of the affair to his wife. He's wrecked a world of havoc on you. Hold him accountable

 

Lol. Would be lying to not admit the thought has crossed my mind. But there is no good reason to wreck her life too. If anything it risks taking me backwards in my progress.

[Hrgirl915]

It sounds like you have not actually ended the affair but are just thinking about it. I'm sorry if I've got it wrong.

 

I think after 6 years there's little to no chance he's leaving, especially if he's in a high visibility job. I hope I'm wrong but I don't really see much force for change in your posts, as if you're waiting for him to take action one way or another.

 

Please stop spying on this innocent woman and taking cheap shots at her personal appearance, it doesn't reflect well on you.

 

Thank you for the apology. There are many things you got wrong.

[Hrgirl915]

I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing, torturing myself social media spying on the wife. It hurts like hell and it’s not worth it. I don’t feel jealous of her in anyway, it’s the happy family pictures, their wedding, their vacations, the whole “perfect little family” on Facebook thing that gets me. But guess what? It’s all fake, I know the truth and she doesn’t. Social media in general is pretend, people pretending to have perfect lives, when the reality is that behind those photos we have no idea what’s really happening. If you were to see my Instagram you wouldn’t believe that the girl that looks happy in all her photos is the same person on love shack going though something so painful, it’s just a mask. Do not compare yourself to the wife like someone else said, you are letting him put value on you when really that has to come from within. He is nothing and you will realize that in time. You gotta love yourself 100 percent so when the right guy DOES come along you won’t accept any half ass love.

 

You are so right! That’s why they call it “Fakebook”.

[LIRR88]

Lol. Would be lying to not admit the thought has crossed my mind. But there is no good reason to wreck her life too. If anything it risks taking me backwards in my progress.

 

It’s better not to, for all you know she could be one of those that forgives him and puts all the blame on you. A lot of women will look past the cheating just to keep the comfortable lifestyle, keep the family together etc. You've already wasted enough years and energy on this guy, why throw more gas to the fire. Go NC, get yourself a therapist and don’t look back.

[Hrgirl915]

It’s better not to, for all you know she could be one of those that forgives him and puts all the blame on you. A lot of women will look past the cheating just to keep the comfortable lifestyle, keep the family together etc. You've already wasted enough years and energy on this guy, why throw more gas to the fire. Go NC, get yourself a therapist and don’t look back.

 

Yes. As I stated, I have no desire to wreck her life or risk my own progress.

[pepperbird]

It does make sense, that’s why i stopped checking. I use to all the time months ago and I realized it’s a waste of time and counter active to my healing process. But hey we’re all human and sometimes we can’t help but be curious.

 

 

the difference is you added her as a Facebook friend. why? unless she was a friend before, why add her, unless it's to spy on her?That's not idle curiosity.

 

I know this is a small point, but it's actually important. It shows the mental gymnastics you're playing just to square this away , even with yourself.

[pepperbird]

Lol. Would be lying to not admit the thought has crossed my mind. But there is no good reason to wreck her life too. If anything it risks taking me backwards in my progress.

 

 

I mentioned mental gymnastics. this is an example.

OP, really think about this. You slept with her husband. hoped he would leave her for you, would have been a-okay if her marriage ended so he would be with you, her pain didn't matter then if it meant you got what you wanted. You would have been quite happy to ruin her life ( and please, don't say " it wasn't intentional"...that doesn't matter)

 

Now that it no longer matters to you that he stays with her or goes, you can't tell her the truth because you don't want to wreck her life?

 

op, is that really who you are at heart? I could be wrong, but I don't think it is.

[Hrgirl915]

I mentioned mental gymnastics. this is an example.

OP, really think about this. You slept with her husband. hoped he would leave her for you, would have been a-okay if her marriage ended so he would be with you, her pain didn't matter then if it meant you got what you wanted. You would have been quite happy to ruin her life ( and please, don't say " it wasn't intentional"...that doesn't matter)

 

Now that it no longer matters to you that he stays with her or goes, you can't tell her the truth because you don't want to wreck her life?

 

op, is that really who you are at heart? I could be wrong, but I don't think it is.

 

I don’t think there is a definitive right or wrong on this topic and opinions vary widely. Some would say I was vindictive for telling her, others (like you) may think I’m vindictive for not telling her. I had years to tell her and always chose not to. Why do it now?

 

The signs were there but she’s happy and confident in her marriage. Maybe she had suspicions and doesn’t care. I don’t know or understand the dynamics of their relationship. It’s very different than what I would want for myself.

 

As I said in my original post, I wish I could rewind time and make better choices. I do not deny wrong doing. My goal is to move forward and put this sad chapter of my life to close. There are no winners in affairs.

[pepperbird]

 

As I said in my original post, I wish I could rewind time and make better choices. I do not deny wrong doing. My goal is to move forward and put this sad chapter of my life to close. There are no winners in affairs.

 

 

You didn't understand my point. My point was that you were perfectly willing to sacrifice her marriage/happiness for your own, when they A was on. Now that you've stepped back, you suddenly care?

 

 

I know it might sound pedantic, and it's not an exercise to try and make you feel guilty. What was it that allowed you to act this way? It's so important to figure out the "why" you felt entitled to do this, so you won't make the same choices in the future.

[Bittersweetie]

I know it might sound pedantic, and it's not an exercise to try and make you feel guilty. What was it that allowed you to act this way? It's so important to figure out the "why" you felt entitled to do this, so you won't make the same choices in the future.

 

I agree with Pepperbird that this question is a good one to ask oneself in the aftermath of an affair. Not that it means "tell the wife" but more to examine one's own thinking in order to prevent making the same choices again.

 

For example, in my affair, MM's wife was basically a non-entity to me. She was his problem, not mine. Looking back, that thinking is horrifying to me now. Who the hell did I think I was? Examining those trains of thought helped me become less selfish and a more considerate person overall, not just to my husband but to everyone.

[DKT3]

I don’t think there is a definitive right or wrong on this topic and opinions vary widely. Some would say I was vindictive for telling her, others (like you) may think I’m vindictive for not telling her. I had years to tell her and always chose not to. Why do it now?

 

The signs were there but she’s happy and confident in her marriage. Maybe she had suspicions and doesn’t care. I don’t know or understand the dynamics of their relationship. It’s very different than what I would want for myself.

 

As I said in my original post, I wish I could rewind time and make better choices. I do not deny wrong doing. My goal is to move forward and put this sad chapter of my life to close. There are no winners in affairs.

 

There are benefits to telling for the other person, one is had you told this wouldn't be taking up mind space for you at this point. Another is you would likely feel like you've rectified the situation a bit. Both would aid in you moving past this.

 

I wanted to disagree with your point of no winners in affairs. In your situation the MM is a winner. He got to carry on with you and then went back into his marriage with no consequences, while you have struggled and his wife doesn't know the whole truth...I say that because I firmly believe that betrayed spouses are never clueless about affairs, some just choose to ignore.